The Book of St Richard, Chapter 31

Continued from Chapter 30.

1. It came to pass, the following Easter, that strange events took place in the mighty city of Lon-don, of which the mayor was Genghis Khan, a fierce Muslim warrior.

2. For the people were ordered to ignore the holy events of Lent and Easter, but to celebrate Ramadan, a month in which the Muslims fasted in the daytime and ate all night long.

3. Unlike other people, who fasted at night and ate in the daytime.

The mighty city celebrates Easter.

4. And Richard spake out, saying, "I was horrified to see this. For I am a cultural Christian, who likes hymns and carols. Also, I like cathedrals and churches."

5. For Richard had not heard the worst hymns such as "Lord of the Dance" or "Shine, Jesus, Shine", nor had he visited the cathedral of Clif-ton.

Nor had Richard seen this statue of Jesus and Mary Magdalene.

6. Richard went on to explain that he enjoyed hot cross buns, Easter eggs, and sweet little bunnies (cooked in a red wine sauce).

7. However, although the Islamic faith also had its beautiful mosques, its great hymns such as "Shine, Mohammed, Shine" and delicacies such as hot crescent buns and sheep's eyes, Richard could not be a cultural Muslim.

8. For (he said) the religion of Christ was fundamentally decent, whereas the other one was fundamentally indecent.

Richard is obliged to disguise himself when he attends Mass.

9. For was not Islam hostile to women and to those men who chose to lie with other men?

10. Where were the female Imams shrieking "Wakey-wakey! Put your food away! Allah is great!" from high towers at the crack of dawn?

11. And where were the LGBTQ+ Mohammedits writing trashy books about "Building a Bridge"?

12. No, Richard could not say that he was a cultural Muslim.

"All Glory, Laud and Honour to Thee, Redeemer, King. Culturally speaking, of course."

13. "BUT I DO NOT BELIEVE A WORD OF THE CHRISTIAN FAITH," insisted Richard.

14. Which was perhaps a slight exaggeration, as Richard had never been known to murder or steal. Not even culturally.

Continued in Chapter 32.

The Book of St Richard beginneth here.

Donald Trump commits an unforgivable sin

President Donald Trump was roundly condemned today by the Catholic Church when it was revealed that, before going to bed last night, he had knelt at the side of his bed and said his prayers:

"Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner. Also, thank you God for a lovely day. God bless Melania, God bless Mike Pence, God bless Nancy Pelosi, Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, and all the crazy gang. God bless me, and make me a good boy. Amen."

Jimbo the clown welcomes us into his lovely cell.

Father James Martin LGBTSJ was the first to condemn Mr Trump, pointing out that his actions made a mockery of Christianity. "And that's MY job!" he added. Jim also criticised Trump's use of force in removing "peacemakers" (looters and brick-throwers) from his bedroom before saying his prayers, noting that some of them were probably LGBT types who simply wanted the President to build bridges with them. Apparently, Trump squirted them with deodorant (later described as tear-gas).

Donald Trump attempts to make amends.

Next, "Uncle Wil", alias Wilton Ruggery, the Archbishop whose parents named him after a carpet, waded into the row. "Yesterday, the President visited the shrine of Pope St John-Paul II," he grumbled. "This is reserved for very holy people such as myself. I thank God daily that I am not as other men, in particular this great sinner Trump. Now I discover that he is praying to the same God as I do. Is there no limit to the man's effrontery? Get your own God, orange man!"

Wilton Ruggery relaxes in the company of sinless Catholics.

President Trump is struggling to defend himself from these attacks from powerful Catholics, and has even coined the slogan "Orange Lives Matter," but it is clear that he is doomed. Even offering to go out and loot a shoe shop is unlikely to satisfy his critics.

Celebrate Lent the Jesuit way!

As compiled by some of our favourite Jesuits, including Superior General Arturo Sosa, Fr James Martin, and of course Pope Francis.

Soon to be plagiarised as "Celebrate Lent the Basilian way" by Fr Thomas Rosica.

1. Give up sin.

This novel idea seems to originate from the Canadian bishops.

Giving up sin is probably not something that occurred to you before, but it's very easy: most things that we used to think of as "sin" turn out to be simply "alternative lifestyles". Still, there may be some bad habits that you really ought to drop, at least for the 40 days of Lent - speaking Latin, pushing old ladies under buses, hard drugs such as coccopalmerio, etc.

Every time you are tempted to sin, write the sin down on a piece of paper, and save it for later. That way you can have a really Happy Easter when you let it all go!

2. Build bridges.

Are you doing enough for the LGBTQSJ community in Lent? It is not necessary for you to "come out" in Lent, and certainly God is not (yet) asking you to "change gender", but you should certainly try and build bridges with your LGBTQSJ neighbours. Why not ask your parish priest if he is thinking of changing sex? This is guaranteed to put you in a good light, as a loving caring person. Tell him that whatever lifestyle he chooses to adopt, you are not going to judge him, and you think he is doing a fine job.

3. Take up Ignatian Yoga.

Fr Martin's classes start soon. Bring your rainbow leotard!

This discipline is good for your bodily health, as well as your spiritual development. Originating with the Buddhists, Hindus, and Jains, it has not been seen as a part of Catholic teaching until now. However, it is now generally recognised that sitting around cross-legged and intoning the sacred words So Sa, Mah Teen, Reese, Bah Go Lee Oh and "letting it all hang out" is the best way to get on the path of enlightenment.

There will soon be a new book out, "How to twist things," in which Fr Martin will explain how a flexible approach is always the best.

4. Spiritual reading.

Lent is a good time for avoiding the Bible, because, as General Sosa says, "It ain't necessarily so," since there were no tape-recorders available when it was written. Instead, go for the works of deep thinkers such as Leonardo Boff, Hans Küng, Tony Flannery, etc., or sit on a bus reading out passages from the the Tablet to your ecstatic neighbours.

As recommended by Pope Francis. Try screaming on the bus to show your support!

5. Respect the environment.

This really follows from (4), as your spiritual reading should include Laudato Si'. Think of new ways of saving the planet! Old polythene bags can be sewn together to make wonderful vestments for your priest - don't worry if his chasuble bears the mysterious word "Tesco", for it is all part of celebrating God's creation. Plastic straws can be stuck in your hair, and these will add a little colour to your liturgical dancing.

6. Stop gossiping.

Pope Francis SJ has asked us to include this discipline in our list. Gossiping includes trying to find out what is going on in the Vatican, asking Dubia of the Pope, issuing filial corrections, and indeed any embarrassing Church news. In the words of Jesus, when He went into the wilderness: "Give us a break, guys!"

Remember that the Vatican is getting tough on abuse these days. We had a wonderful summit on the subject, in which we agreed that everything is more-or-less fine really, and we can't see what all the fuss is about. So woe on ye if ye say otherwise!

Have a fun Lent!

I invented Fr James Martin

All right, my secret is out. As revealed by the formidable @lamblock, the character "Fr James Martin LGBTSJ" doesn't really exist, he is one of my own creations.

So what's wrong with that? Lots of people find it desirable to spice up their blogs with comic characters once in a while (cf. Fr Z's Zuhlio, Fr Longenecker's Duane Mandible, and the Tablet's Tina Beattie). I've even had a few other visitors to this blog, such as Fr Arthur, Sister Judy Piranha, and Anti Moly, whose existence is not fully established.

So ludicrous you should have guessed it was photoshopped!

Yes, the concept of a Jesuit priest, living in New York, whose hobbies consist of (in no particular order):

1. Promoting LGBT issues;
2. Making up absurd bits of heresy;
3. Moaning about Trump;
4. Writing trashy books;
5. Self-publicity;
6. Making up absurd bits of heresy in order to moan about Trump and promote LGBT issues in his latest self-publicising trashy book...

is frankly absurd.

One of "Jim"'s favourites - pretending the Holy Spirit is female.

Look, you idiots. If Jim was a real person, he would have been disciplined by Cardinal Dolan, his ordinary, or General Sosa, the Big Cheese Jesuit. In any case a wise and orthodox pope such as Francis would never in a million years have asked him to advise on any issue more serious than the time of the next bus. Get real!

Bless you, folks, he is even supposed to have teamed up with New Ways Ministry, a well-known group of freaks, heretics, loonies, rebels, dissidents and all-round not-quite-Catholic fruitcakes. Or did I make them up as well?

"Mary Magdalene was the church." One of my silliest ideas, although I say it myself.

I'll tell you, it wasn't easy to hack into Amazon and make it seem that they were advertising a book called Building a Bridge which promotes LGBT stuff in clear contradiction to Catholic teaching. I hope nobody actually tried to buy the book, as what they will have received is a perfectly orthodox guide to civil engineering for children.

"I cannot recommend this book too highly" - Pope Benedict XVI.

Anyway, the cat is out of the bag now. So I will leave you to work out which of the following comic characters are also Eccles inventions:

1. Fr Thomas Rosica;
2. Cardinal Marx;
3. Dr Austen Ivereigh;
4. Cardinal Baldisseri.

HINT: One of them is real.

Another brilliant bit of photoshopping.

"Go to a gay orgy!" says Pope Francis

In a surprise change to 2000 years of Church teaching, Pope Francis has declared that homosexuality is great, it's what God really prefers, and all gay people should get down to some serious bridge-building^TM as soon as possible.

Admittedly, the comment was made in a private meeting with a homosexual man, the Chilean Juan Carlos Cruz, who may have made the whole thing up, rather than - as is usual for changes to Catholic doctrine - in an aeroplane speech. But Fr James Martin SJ, himself a notorious bridge-builder, has said that it's all true, so who are we to judge?

The new prophet Juan Carlos.

Apparently, Pope Francis explained that God is really fed up with heterosexuals, as they contribute to climate change by having babies. As Jesus said, "I suffer from little children who come unto me." Instead, the Holy Father encouraged Mr Cruz to take part in some serious gay orgies, suggesting that Cardinal Coccopalmerio might be able to give him more information.

A gay orgy at the Vatican.

Rigid traditional parrot-faced Pharisee Catholics were today somewhat disconcerted by the Pope's latest teaching, which contradicts several books of the Bible, the Catechism, and numerous statements by Doctors of the Church, Popes, and other theologians over the centuries. But of course Pope Francis knows best.