The God Bless Eccles Bible

Donald Trump has sent out the message, Happy Holy Week! Let's Make America Pray Again. As we lead into Good Friday and Easter, I encourage you to get a copy of the God Bless The USA Bible.

The author (no, not really).

I supposed at firat that this would be a Bible written by Mr Trump, in which case it would have the following features:

All in capitals. 
Silly made-up names for people he doesn't like
   (I would never do that, would I?) 
All the disciples wearing red hats.
God referred to as "Donald".
"Make Heaven Great Again" the main message of the Gospels.

But, I admit that I was wrong. It is simply a King James Bible with a few add-ons.

After all, the new Pope Francis Bible includes extra books - the books of Laudato Si', Amoris Laetitia, Traditionis Custodes, and Fiducia Supplicans - and I can't imagine anyone objecting to that!

"Not only did he sack me, but he gave me a copy of his book."

What Donald actually adds are things such as the US Constitution, the Bill of Rights, and the Declaration of Independence. Mere Britons may wonder why the US Constitution is so sacred that it keeps getting amended, but again I refer to Pope Francis's treatment of the Gospel...

Uncle Joe is working on a God Bless Biden Bible, with innovations like the Ten Commandments being deleted, and the inclusion of extra documents, such as advertisements for Planned Parenthood and Graeter's chocolate chip ice-cream.

Recommended to all DEVOUT Catholics!

So finally, we come to the God Bless Eccles Bible. Only $50, so it should outsell the God Bless The USA Bible (which costs $60). With the popular advertising slogans Make Eccles Rich Again and Become Saved By Reading This Book! this is a Douai–Rheims Bible with some of my most popular blog posts (more than 3 readers!) added as bonus chapters to be read out at Mass. These include

Why the Pope is right about everything;
How to preach a royal wedding sermon; 
The toxic tradition of the Latin Mass;
The World Cup of Bad Hymns; and
Is Pope Francis a Trad?

So I'll stop there, as I have to do a few Bible-signing sessions today - Westminster Cathedral, Waterstones, etc.

Melon girl bad!

Some of our leading Catholic commentators (notably Massimo "Beans" Faggioli and Christopher "Lambchop" Lamb) have pointed out that the beliefs of the probable new prime minister of Italy, Giorgia Meloni, are hard-right, fascist, extremist, worse even than the hated orange man Trump, definitely something that would make even Mussolini say "Hang on, you're going a bit far there!"

Melon girl bad!

These beliefs include:

1. Claiming to be a Catholic Christian.
2. Opposition to abortion.
3. Opposition to euthanasia.
4. Opposition to same-sex "marriage" and "parenting".
5. Defence of the Biblical male/female family.

Golly! I can hardly bear to copy down such a manifesto of hard-right fascist filth!

Top commentator Lambchop of the Bitter Pill.

It is vitally important that Italy should have a prime minister more in sympathy with Catholic values, namely:

1. Claiming to be a "devout" Catholic, perhaps of the Bidenesque sort
who has new batteries fitted every Sunday morning so that he can
stagger off to church and fall asleep.

2. Encouragement of abortion, as late-term as possible. 

3. Euthanasia - well, be careful here, for if we are going to get
rid of old useless people then some presidents and popes may need
to worry. Correction. Apparently this only applies to
killing old people who are not millionaires.

4. Support of same-sex anything-you-like and suppression of all
opposition, which is described as "hate", "bigotry", etc. even 
though 50 years ago everyone would have agreed that same-sex
marriage was a joke.

5. The Bible!? Sheesh! This went out with the Synod of all Synods.
Ask Austen Ivereigh, who has been too busy acting as an "expert"
to join the concerted attack on the Melon Girl.

Ice-cream man good!

Melon, lamb chop, beans and ice-cream. A good recipe for indigestion.

Thoughts are better than prayers

Taking our guidance from Britain's most prominent Catholic, Boris Johnson, we learn that thoughts are far more useful than prayers.

For example, in response to the murder of Sabina Nessa, the great man tweeted as follows:

The prime minister thinks.

On the other hand, for totally trivial matters, such as a European Football Championship, only a totally trivial response is appropriate, such as this letter written to the football manager.

Prayers and hope!

Well, if Boris, my spiritual director, says so, it must be so. Prayers are only to be used for trivial matters ("O Lord, make sure the bus is on time" or "I humbly beseech Thee, grant that the shop still has a copy of the Tablet"). For really serious crises, it's THOUGHTS that count.

We used the ECCLESPROBE (TM) to drop in on the almost-empty mind of devout Catholic Joe Biden as he was attending Mass. It was impossible to get a coherent reading, but his thoughts seemed to be mainly of a huge ball of ice-cream flavoured with chocolate chips. Our theologians are still trying to explain this.

Spiritual nourishment.

Take this week's disaster, the volcano in La Palma, which has caused widespread damage, not to mention climate change. So prayers would be inappropriate here: only THOUGHTS are good enough. "Hmm, it must be hot there." "This volcano's CO2 emissions have stolen my dreams and my childhood." That sort of thing. The fact that people are thinking such deep thoughts must be a great comfort to those who've lost their homes.

THOUGHTS: "This is the fault of those Traddy Catholics." "No, this is the fault of Pope Francis."

Today is the Feast of St Wenceslaus (assassinated at the age of 24, so all those photos of an old man carrying pine logs are inaccurate). So, in best Catholic tradition, we think about him. Ready? Go!

This walk is the only thing I'll ever be remembered for."

Pope wins Nobel prize for Boredom

It's the season for awarding Nobel prizes (Roger Penrose got one for his work on Black Holes Matter), and, as was widely expected, Pope Francis has been awarded the Nobel prize for Boredom, on account of his encyclical Tutti Frutti, as everyone is calling it.

This is what it's all about.

The prize-winning work is said to draw on the writings of such renowned theologians as Karl Marx, Maximilien Robespierre, John Lennon, Meghan Markle, and Greta Thunberg, with lots of citations of the humblest pope in history (Pope F*****s). To get some flavour of it, pick three words at random from the word cloud above, and form them into a sentence. Bonus marks if you spot anything to do with religion, such as "God", "Jesus" or "Sin".

So we dipped in and got "world", "people" and "dignity". Our message to you all is "The dignity of the people of the world." Or possibly "Dignity from the world of people." You can probably find both phrases somewhere in Tutti Frutti.

Useful advice on putting duvets into covers!

Of course, not everyone is an admirer of this masterpiece. We have heard two criticisms:

1. The title "Fratelli tutti" is sexist, and so no self-respecting womyn should read the encyclical. Sigh... we know what's in it... just a catalogue of ways that Catholics are encouraged to oppress womyn. Pope Francis thinks that all womyn are good for is putting duvets into covers! Come on, sisters, let's go to the Vatican and have a sit in! Bring your duvets!

2. Pope Francis doesn't like the death penalty. So Catholic teaching has changed. Next week, Catholic teaching on abortion, homosexuality, drug orgies, embezzling money, and framing Australian cardinals may also be changing. Do let us know your suggestions!

Prof. Massimo Faggioli, top gelato Catholic, distributing copies of Tutti Frutti.

So, nothing new, and a worthy recipient of the Nobel Prize for Boredom.

What are you giving up for Lent?

As seen in the Catholic Herald.

We asked some friends of this blog to tell us what they were giving up for Lent this year.

Prof. Massimo Faggioli.

When you live entirely on ice-cream, as I do, there is no food that you can reasonably give up. Likewise, my every waking moment is spent in explaining theology to less intelligent mortals by means of insights so profound that even I don't understand them; so it would be dangerous to make any changes, since civilisation would collapse without my brilliant epigrams.

Pope Francis.

Being the humblest pope who ever lived, I have no luxuries in life that I can give up. Likewise, I have no vices worth speaking of, Eccles. How dare you ask such an impertinent question! SLAP!

Cardinal Dolan.

It is important to show self-discipline during Lent, and so I am giving up health food - salads, spinach, fruit, etc. - and sticking to a diet of giant steaks, suet, and sticky toffee pudding. It will be hard for me, but I know that this penitential regime will do me good.

Prof. Tina Beattie.

What a sexist question! By asking me that, you're implying that women are inferior to men, aren't you? Just you wait until I get ordained and you want ashes on your forehead... they'll be so hot that you'll end up with scar tissue, you pig!

Fr James Martin SJ.

I shall give up reading the Bible in Lent - I disagree with most of it, anyway. Still, I shall miss the absorbing tale of how it took a humble carpenter's son 30 years before He was able to do miracles successfully, and even then everyone misunderstood His teachings until I came along.

Dr Austen Ivereigh.

People have asked me to give up my worship of Pachamama, my idolatory of Pope Francis, and my "brain-rotting" writing. But I thank God that I am unlike other men, and have no vices worth speaking of.

Emeritus Pope Benedict XVI.

I am giving up tea for Lent, and indeed I am handing over my stock of Yorkshire tea to this new chap. I much prefer beer, anyway.

Prof. Richard Dawkins.

Well of course we have all outgrown the idea of Lent, as something that only religious extremists celebrate. So when I mention that, following an outcry, I have decided not to eat any human flesh from now on, this is not to be interpreted as a foolish religious fetish, but merely the wise decision of a venerable professor who is fed up with having bricks thrown through his window.

Fr Antonio Spadaro.

If 2+2 can equal 5, then the 40 days of Lent can equal 32. Thus, for the first week it isn't Lent at all, so why bother?

Costume holly men

Bosco have been gettin very excitin about dem wicked Cathlics, especially costume holly men wiv gold cupps, like dis one. We in de Calumny Chappel knows dat we has found Jessus, we has even saved him a space in de car park, but we doesnt need no gold cupps.

And here's annuver costume holly man. I thuoght at first it was Bosco teechin in de Calumny Chappel Sunday School, but he explaned to me dat it is a Cathlic preist called Abrahham dicsiplining his kid who did somefink wicked like readin de Bibble. Well you gotta be firm wiv kids.

In de Calumny Chappel we doesnt have costume holly men, we has passtors. I fought dat was like spahgettis, but Bosco explaned dat it means shehperds. Now dat may seem like blassphemy, cos Jessus is de sheperd, not Pastor Noodle. So perhaps we had better go back to calling dem fathers instead, most of them got lots of kids and not many has got sheep.

Still, bein a shehperd suonds like more fun dan bein a father. In de Bibble dey sits in de fields and every so often an Angle comes along and says "Ullo, shehperds. Has you been saved?"

Anyways, Bosco is off to Seel Beech again soon, wiv me and Anti Moly. My bruvver have got a new job in de retale trade, he is wot dey call a fast-food magnet like Mr Wallmat and Mr Macdonnald (for Brittish readers, dis is like Lord Assda, or King Burger who is de prettender to a thron somewhere, maybe it's Germmany).

Bosco's job is to stand in de street, but he gotta keep his mouf shut, poeple who wants an ice-creem doesnt like it if you says "Git lost bruvver, no ice-creem for you, you aint saved." Still, Bosco is only doin it for dere own good, dey gonna needs lots of ice-creem if dey ends up in de Lake of Fire.