The Book of St Richard, Chapter 23

Continued from Chapter 22

1. And lo! Christmas was approaching once more, the season of peace on Earth to people of good will (and maybe some others, too).

2. But Richard was still in those days an unsaved person, and he spake forth, saying "Bah! Humbug!" Or sometimes (for a change) "Bah! Jellybaby!" in homage to Tom Baker, he who had been married to Romana.

Richard displayeth a biological specimen in his living-room.

3. And behold, he went on the attack with a brilliantly-crafted tweet, saying "There are people who believe Jesus turned water into wine. How do they hold down a job in the 21st century?"

4. For he reasoned that the butcher, the baker, the candlestick-maker, and the professor of biology could not do their jobs adequately if they believed in an omnipotent creator.

5. For would they not inevitably produce bad sausages, or bad bread, or bad candles, or bad lectures, if they were men of faith?

6. Therefore, Richard, being of a scientific mind, decided to test the miracles of Our Lord, by showing that they were impossible.

7. Thus he gave a great dinner party, and served unto his guests water, poured from old wine bottles, saying "Marvel ye, this is the finest wine!"

8. And his guests tapped their heads and said to themselves, "Let us humour the old coot, lest he biteth someone." Thus they spake out, praising the water as if it were vintage claret.

William of Gates praiseth the Chateau D'Ocquins wine.

9. Then Richard began to show the impossibility of many other miracles.

10. He invited five thousand members of Oxford University to dinner and fed them on five loaves and two small fishes. They became exceeding wrathful, and telephoned for five thousand pizzas.

11. Then one of his keener disciples was moved to cut off the ear of a policeman, that his master might restore it. The case cometh up next week.

12. After this, Richard walked on the Sea of Galilee, and was rescued by the fishermen.

The miracle of Dawkins almost walking on water.

13. And there were many other miracles that Richard failed to do. Thus he was convinced that nobody could do them. "Well, it would be a miracle if they could!" he said.

14. Now, at about this time men spake of Mother Teresa, she who had spent a lifetime in good works, and was evidently a saved person.

15. And the Pope, he who was called Francis the Merciful, told the world that Teresa's acts of healing had continued, and that she was to be recognised as a saint.

16. And Richard was exceeding wrathful, describing Teresa as "over-rated" and her followers as "gullible".

An ignorant woman who knew little of selfish genes.

17. For had not he devoted his own life to good deeds, namely screaming at people of faith? And had not he performed miracles, in persuading people to buy his trashy books? But, as yet, few spake of Richard as a saint.

18. "Woe!" he cried. "It is not fair!" And again he cried, saying "Boo hoo!"

19. For Richard was angry that a Church to which he did not belong should dare to honour one of its own members without consulting him first.

Continued in Chapter 24.

Sir Simon Jenkins explains Canonization

From the Guardian's "Comment is free and worth every penny" section.

The Catholic Church declared two new saints at the weekend. Although I am not a Catholic, I am a very important person, and I run the National Trust. What's more, I once wrote a book called England's Thousand Best Churches, and so I am definitely an expert on ecclesiastical matters.

A thing of beauty is a joy forever.

Now, I can tell you that what goes for the National Trust should equally apply to the Catholic Church, and canonization is just medieval nonsense. Miracles, Prayer, the Virgin Birth, God, ... these are all things that no intelligent Catholic believes in, and I should know because I am a very famous person who got a knighthood for services to the fishwrap industry - I was knighted at a moving ceremony attended by a million devoted worshippers!

N.B. They said it was a miracle that a dimwit such as I should be given a knighthood, but we know that miracles don't exist!

My journalism has helped to feed the starving millions.

I am less indulgent to the behaviour of religions. More death and destruction is being perpetrated in the name of religion than for many decades past - Pope Francis may claim that Pope John XXIII and Pope John-Paul II never went berserk in a crowded theatre with a machine-gun or crashed aeroplanes into Church of England cathedrals, but I know better.

AAARGH! I HATE RELIGION!! IT'S A MENACE TO MILLIONS!!! IT DESERVES NO RESPECT AT ALL!!!! NURSE!!!!! MY MEDICINE!!!!!! QUICK!!!!!!!

Evangelii Gaudium

Well, the Pope's new apostolic exhortation, at 48,000 words (roughly twice as long as St Matthew's Gospel), is a little difficult to digest instantly, and so we have decided to let technology come to our aid. By seeing what words and phrases appear - or do not appear - we can determine what is considered important.

Our trained staff undertake a detailed computer analysis.

As a control experiment, let's start with St Matthew's Gospel, which most readers probably know something about. Some of the key phrases that occur are: "I say unto you", "The Kingdom of Heaven" and "The Son of Man" (all more than 30 times), with "the chief priests" coming up behind on about 20. I think we can conclude that the book is about Someone who is keen to put forward a religious message, possibly One with an interest in Heaven. Perhaps at some stage He tangled with some priests. I hope that helps.

Should I have said more about custard?

Turning our computer's attention to Evangelii Gaudium, we see that one phrase that comes up over 20 times is "post synodal apostolic exhortation", but that's mostly in the bibliography, so doesn't really count. "The Church" and "the Gospel" score highly, over 100 times each, so the author clearly thinks these are important (this is a good sign). There is also a fair amount about the Holy Spirit, and over a dozen mentions of "Latin American". Watson, we have here an educated person, possibly of Argentine extraction, who is trying to give some religious guidance.

Father Brown meets the Rev Chesterton.

Let's try one further experiment, with The Innocence of Father Brown by G.K. Chesterton, which is a little longer than Evangelii Gaudium. Although at first sight this appears to be the biography of a Catholic priest, perhaps something like the Confessions of St Augustine, the computer never lies, and it reveals that some of the most popular phrases occurring are "said Father Brown", "said the doctor" and "the front door". These do not indicate that we have a religious text before us, more a collection of anecdotes. Also, the last phrase is a bit of a mystery to us - perhaps it is something to do with the gates of Heaven?

Thus, on a scale of spiritual nourishment, I think it fair to say that Evangelii Gaudium (EG) scores a little lower than St Matthew's Gospel (MG), but a little higher than The Innocence of Father Brown (FB). Let us look for points in common, and points of difference.

Points in common.

All three works show a high respect for the office of priest, and both (MG) and (FB) contain examples of priests who are, well, unsaved. All three discuss salvation in a religious context. None of them seems to accept the possibility of ordaining women to the priesthood, and all three seem to show a rather traditional attitude to sin.

Points of difference

Although all three have a main protagonist who is some sort of religious figure, the hero of (EG) isn't primarily engaged in performing miracles, nor at solving mysteries (although he does refer to a "sense of mystery"). Again, in (MG) we encounter a wide range of characters, from the impressive Peter through to the villainous Judas; likewise, in (FB) we meet a range of heroes and villains, some of whom steal fish knives, and some of whom drop hammers off church towers. There is less action in (EG), although the author does speak of crime in cities, and of fish swimming in polluted rivers: by and large, he disapproves.

Thanks, Eccles!