The five environmental mysteries of the Rosary

Today there is, apparently, Earth Hour, or St Mother Earth's Hour, to give it the official title. Not to be confused with Earth Day (April 22nd), and - no doubt - Earth History Month, Earth Awareness Week, etc. etc. for those who are really into environmentalism. Accordingly, the Vatican will turn off lights on St Peter's Basilica tonight. Let's hope they don't accidentally turn off the light on Pope Francis's medical support system, as well.

It has also been decided to add a new set of mysteries to the Rosary (well, if Pope John Paul II could do it, why can't Francis?) As usual it will consist of five mysteries, and they are as follows:

Calming the climate change storm.

In the first century, climate change was a big concern of the Roman Empire, and whenever the weather was unusually wet, dry, hot, cold, windy or calm, they knew that fossil fuels were to blame.

Feeding the 5000 on lab-grown burgers.

Locusts and wild honey were a popular Biblical food, introduced by St John the Billgates, but sometimes people wanted more than this. Turning down an environmentally dangerous offer of loaves and fishes, Our Lord came up with a better alternative, produced in His father Joseph's laboratory.

Replacing the barren fig tree with a solar panel.

When Jesus encountered a useless fig tree, which was producing no energy, He cursed it and replaced it with a solar panel, as the best way to Save the Planet. This is why Protestants often use the term "Solar Scripture".

Saying "just stop" when anointed with oil.

"Just stop oil" is probably one of the best-known Biblical commandments, and its origin is the anointing (John 12) when Mary of Bethany made an environmental blunder by using precious spikenard. Naturally, she was stopped in her tracks, and the oil was instead given to a third-world country, where it could be used without harming the environment.

Riding a donkey fed on methane-reducing Bovaer.

The true message of Palm Sunday is often overlooked. It was not simply that a King entered, riding on a donkey, as predicted in Zechariah 9: it was the fact that the crowd were shouting "Hosanna, blessed is he that cometh in the name of Mother Earth."

Usually five mysteries are considered to be enough. Pope Francis did not want to be so rigid, and he was proposing an extra mystery (any suggestions?) However, the fact that if he did so then Catholics would have to buy rosaries with extra beads dissuaded him. After all, nobody wants to be beaten up by angry nuns!

Catholics keep out!

It is becoming increasingly obvious that Christians - and especially Catholics - are not welcome in public life, and should know that their rightful place is in hiding or on the scaffold.

Crime scene, as seen on television.

Midsomer Murders, episode 3019. Chief Inspector Barnaby (either the one with the crazy wife or the one with the boring dog, it doesn't matter) turns up with his usual jovial cry of "Hello, George, what have you got for me today?". The pathologist, Kate Wilding, gives him a puzzled glance and replies.

"Well Tom, or do I mean John? Anyway, you can see that this chap has had his nostrils stuffed with plutonium (as it is episode 3019 we are running out of original ways to kill people), and he has been dead about six weeks."

"Let me through, I'm a priest!"

An evil cackling priest walks by. Barnaby realises that this must be the criminal, but his contract says that he must wait until there have been another three murders before finally arresting him.

Next, the British Army turns up and asks to drive its tanks all over the place where the dead body is lying. "Don't you realise this is a crime scene? Go away!"

The general in charge replies, "But China has invaded Midsomer and we are the last line of defence!"

"This is still a crime scene. Go away!"

Crime scene, in reality.

A man is dying from stab wounds. The 999 emergency services are called, "Which service do you require: Fire, Priest, or Ambulance? There's no use calling the police, they're all out on gay pride marches."

In fact the priest is the last to arrive. At the crime scene there is already a blood-crazed assassin, several witnesses, an NHS troupe of nurses doing a dance to put on Youtube, and six policemen with alsatians who wandered in having heard reports that someone had been using the wrong pronouns.

A crime scene.

"Let me in, I'm Father Brown, a Catholic priest. I want to give the dead man the Last Rites. This is a fundamental part of the Catholic faith."

"Get out. This is a crime scene. We can't have it contaminated."

A CRASH! is heard as a sergeant in size-14 boots trips over the dying man.

"On second thoughts, Rev, I'm arresting you. On television it's always the priest wot dunnit."

"I want to question you about all those dead bodies in your churchyard."

The Accelerated Dying Legislation.

To their great credit, church leaders are fairly united in opposing the proposed "Yes, you can push your granny off a bus if she's rich enough and too confused to say 'No'" legislation. One exception is George Carey, star of Carey on Killing, the retired Christian who was once Archbishop of Canterbury. But they are put in their place by a learned professor, one Alice Roberts, who has contributed two brilliant pieces to this blog in the past, namely the amazing revelations that Miracles are just a bit... unlikely and Dead people don't come back to life.

Alice hits the nail with her head on the head.

She's got a good point, hasn't she? But we should go further. People with religious views, whether they be popes (no, he won't say anything helpful), bishops, priests, or laymen - even Anglicans devoted to this blog, such as Giles Fraser and Peter Hitchens - SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO COMMENT. We welcome atheist leaders like, er, little Alice in Blunderland, BECAUSE THEY HAVE THE RIGHT OPINIONS.

Got the message, Catholics? You're not wanted. Ask Henry VIII and Queen Elizabeth I. And any Anglicans - or even atheists - who agree with you about the morality of Accelerated Suicide - why, you're just closet Catholics! Get lost!

"It's no use complaining now. Mr Gates's App said you'd consented to dying. Don't worry, we'll get the bug fixed in the next release."

Pope Francis to collaborate with Harry and Meghan

Having sent a nessage to Vax Live, "the concert to reunite the world", chaired by the Duke and Duchess of Sussex (hereafter, Harry and Meghan) - who are having enough trouble reuniting their own family - Pope Francis is anxious to exploit his friendship with the future king of the UK and president of the USA (unconfirmed).

Although Pope Francis himself admits that he is "an old man, who does not dance or sing like you", he has also sent along Cardinal "Chito" Tagle, the world's oldest teenager, who has promised to dance, sing, and burst into tears wherever appropriate.

The present and future popes? Cardinal Tagle shows off his dancing skills.

In return, Harry and Meghan have agreed to write some passages for Ecclesia Woka Sit ("Let the Church be woke"), the Pope's next encyclical. They will also persuade some of their friends to contribute: these include Chelsea Clinton (already a participant in an online Vatican conference on health), Greta Thunberg, professor of climatology at the university of Truanzee, Deacon-in-training Joseph Biden of the Devout Catholic Church of Washington, and of course Bill and Melinda Gates from the charitable foundation known as Help the Rich Get Even Richer.

A harmless side-effect of the Gates vaccine - you turn into a geek.

There are many important issues to be addressed in Ecclesia Woka Sit. A change in the liturgy is planned, in which the priest and congregation will "take a knee" at the start of Mass, in honour of Black Lives Matter*; they will also tear down the statues of any saints who may have links with slavery - for example, by having ancestors or descendants who once wore cotton.

*At least they matter unless they are babies. (Thanks, Chelsea!)

After the recent meddling with the Lord's Prayer ("how foolish of Jesus to get it wrong" as a Pope Francis ally explained to us), more changes are planned, introducing themes such as climate change and transgender awareness and removing the embarrassing bits about forgiveness, temptation, and evil.

Oh praise ye the Floyd!

Priests are also being encouraged to display their pronouns - preferably they/them rather than he/him, although she/her will also be accepted - on sign boards, in church newsletters, and in emails, etc. At the start of Mass, they recommend a form of words such as "Hi, guys, gals and people of all other genders and none, I am Parent James Martin LGBTSJ (they/them), and we're going to have a really swell time today!"

Preparations for the new encyclical are said to be going well, although apparently Meghan has already fallen out with her collaborators. Pope Francis has accused her of bullying, and she has accused the entire Ecclesia Woka Sit team of racism. So it's business as usual.

"It was terrible, Oprah. I called Cardinal Sarah a racist, and he simply laughed at me."

The Book of Covidicus, Chapter 4 - staying alert

Continued from Chapter 3.

1. Then Bosis ceased to harden his heart, and said "From now on a new commandment I give unto you: STAY ALERT. Also ye must CONTROL THE VIRUS and SAVE LIVES."

2. And the people were now allowed to leave their dwellings more than once a day, although they must remain at a distance of four cubits from one another.

Bosis and the three commandments.

3. But the Scottites and the Welshites mocked him, saying, "We cannot ask our people to stay alert, for they know not what this means. So we will ask them to stay at home, watching the box that is called Goggle and Magoggle."

4. And it was so.

5. However, the Scottites also told their people that they might go out if they played the bagpipes, thus encouraging their neighbours to stay at a distance of a thousand cubits from them.

6. Now, many years ago, the LORD had placed a rainbow in the sky, as a sign of His Covenant with Man, to show that never again would the world be drowned by waters, not even in the land of Manchester where it raineth every day.

7. But the dwellers in the Cities of the Plain, which are called Elbee and Geetee, had taken the rainbow unto themselves, saying that it was a sign that they would not be destroyed for their wickedness.

8. Then those who worshipped the doctors, the nurses, the hospital accountants and their equality and diversity officers said "Let us also use the rainbow, as a sign of God's favour to us."

This means war!

9. But the people of Elgee and Beetee waxed wroth, saying "The rainbow is sacred unto us, and cannot be stolen by the doctors."

10. "Moreover, ye have cancelled our parades, that are called Pride, in which we are joined by officers of the law, whereby we may explain to the children how wondrous is our lifestyle."

11. Hence the sufferings of the people of Elgee and Beetee were greater than any others known at this time.

12. Meanwhile, the people continued to argue about the meaning of the words "four cubits", and asked Bosis for guidance.

There came an answer.

13. So Bosis spake, saying, "Take up thy bed and walk, for thy bed is four cubits long, unless thou be Og of Bashan."

14. (For, as it is recorded, Og's bedstead was a bedstead of iron. Nine cubits was the length thereof, and four cubits the breadth of it.)

15. Bosis also suggested that a man might otherwise carry around three cabinets known as fridge, but in the end nobody was strong enough to do this.

16. Then there came a decree from Caesar Agatesus, that all the world should be vaxxed.

Caesar Agatesus, the most powerful man in the world.

17. This Agatesus was a wealthy potentate, who had obtained a vast fortune by selling unto the people windows that would not stay open.

18. And now he had found a strange vixen, with which he claimed to cure all the ills of the world.

19. So Bosis, and his servant Matthew, of the tribe of Hanoch, were deeply troubled, and they thought hard about whether the people of Bri-tain should receive the strange vixen of Agatesus.

Continued in Chapter 5.

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 23

Continued from Chapter 22

1. And lo! Christmas was approaching once more, the season of peace on Earth to people of good will (and maybe some others, too).

2. But Richard was still in those days an unsaved person, and he spake forth, saying "Bah! Humbug!" Or sometimes (for a change) "Bah! Jellybaby!" in homage to Tom Baker, he who had been married to Romana.

Richard displayeth a biological specimen in his living-room.

3. And behold, he went on the attack with a brilliantly-crafted tweet, saying "There are people who believe Jesus turned water into wine. How do they hold down a job in the 21st century?"

4. For he reasoned that the butcher, the baker, the candlestick-maker, and the professor of biology could not do their jobs adequately if they believed in an omnipotent creator.

5. For would they not inevitably produce bad sausages, or bad bread, or bad candles, or bad lectures, if they were men of faith?

6. Therefore, Richard, being of a scientific mind, decided to test the miracles of Our Lord, by showing that they were impossible.

7. Thus he gave a great dinner party, and served unto his guests water, poured from old wine bottles, saying "Marvel ye, this is the finest wine!"

8. And his guests tapped their heads and said to themselves, "Let us humour the old coot, lest he biteth someone." Thus they spake out, praising the water as if it were vintage claret.

William of Gates praiseth the Chateau D'Ocquins wine.

9. Then Richard began to show the impossibility of many other miracles.

10. He invited five thousand members of Oxford University to dinner and fed them on five loaves and two small fishes. They became exceeding wrathful, and telephoned for five thousand pizzas.

11. Then one of his keener disciples was moved to cut off the ear of a policeman, that his master might restore it. The case cometh up next week.

12. After this, Richard walked on the Sea of Galilee, and was rescued by the fishermen.

The miracle of Dawkins almost walking on water.

13. And there were many other miracles that Richard failed to do. Thus he was convinced that nobody could do them. "Well, it would be a miracle if they could!" he said.

14. Now, at about this time men spake of Mother Teresa, she who had spent a lifetime in good works, and was evidently a saved person.

15. And the Pope, he who was called Francis the Merciful, told the world that Teresa's acts of healing had continued, and that she was to be recognised as a saint.

16. And Richard was exceeding wrathful, describing Teresa as "over-rated" and her followers as "gullible".

An ignorant woman who knew little of selfish genes.

17. For had not he devoted his own life to good deeds, namely screaming at people of faith? And had not he performed miracles, in persuading people to buy his trashy books? But, as yet, few spake of Richard as a saint.

18. "Woe!" he cried. "It is not fair!" And again he cried, saying "Boo hoo!"

19. For Richard was angry that a Church to which he did not belong should dare to honour one of its own members without consulting him first.

Continued in Chapter 24.

Nehemiah

So it's welcome back to our class of atheists and other beginners, as we resume the Eccles Bible project after the break. I hope you all had a Merry Christmas (er, just Mas in your case!), and wish you a Happy Nehemiah.

Anyway, to recap, here we are in the 5th century BC, and the Jews have been in exile in Babylon. As we saw last time, Ezra (Esdras) has brought some of them back to Jerusalem.

What ho, Nehemiah! Any chance of one of your pick-me-ups?

This is the tale of Nehemiah, the cup-bearer of King Artaxerxes of Persia, who retrains as a builder (or maybe architect) in order to get Jerusalem rebuilt. Ezra turns up again later in the Book of Nehemiah, and he is now billed as a priest and scribe,

Our hero rebuilds the walls of Jerusalem.

In the above picture Nehemiah is presumably the one reading the plans, rather than the ones doing the actual building, but one can never be sure. Perhaps the other chaps are the sons of Hassenaah, who built the Fish Gate (see Chapter 3); or possibly Malchiah the son of Rechab who was told to repair the Dung Gate. It was a true poet who named these gates.

This is what Nehemiah has on his scroll.

Actually, talking of Gates, we have Bill and Melinda here today in our Bible class for the first time. Welcome, guys! No mention of Windows in this book, I'm afraid, but I suppose you'll enjoy Jeremiah when we get to it, with its For death is come up through our Windows. I wonder whether Jerry was thinking of you there?

Half way through the book, Ezra attends to the spiritual needs of the people (now that their deliveries of fish and dung have been sorted out), and after a bit of prayer and penance they once again promise to keep the Law.

A delivery of fish.

Nehemiah actually becomes the effective governor of Jerusalem; he later pops off back to Persia to do some more cup-bearing, before returning to find that the Jews have gone off the rails yet again. So he fixes that.

In next month's instalment we have a choice: we can follow the Protestant Bible and jump straight onto Esther (so to speak), or take the Catholic and Orthodox line, and include Tobit and Judith.

Tobit or not Tobit? That is the question.

We'll discuss Tobit next. Class dismissed.