Bad Hymns 27

Aujourd'hui nous are writing ce blogue en Franglais, la langue internationale, car nous avons invité M. Claude Joseph Rouget de Lisle to tell us about La Marseillaise. Our own anthem God Save the Queen est un hymne religieux, and a very effectif un, since, spurred on by "Long to Reign Over Us", La Reine has already reigned soixante ans and is in bonne forme for another soixante. La Marseillaise est un peu plus séculaire.

Well, it's O.K., but wouldn't Savez-vous planter les choux be a better anthem?

Curieusement, La Marseillaise n'a pas les silliest lyrics de tous les national anthems. In Delingpoland, ils chantent "Long live the Grand Duke and may his breakfast egg and bacon cause his ears to flourish"; while in West Ed they are moved aux larmes by the mots "Bless the land of West Ed, and its men and women, its dogs and cats, its donkeys and goats, its llamas and possums" (and so on throughout tout le kingdom des animaux); enfin, the Republic of Odone anthem consists of le seul mot "Odone" sung 1728 times, although une version plus courte de 640 repeats is allowed en cas d'urgence.

Patriots singing On les plante avec le nez, à la mode de chez nous!

E: Still here nous sommes, avec M. Rouget de Lisle. Claude, je gather that vous êtes un membre of the sans-culottes?

CJRdL: That's rather une question personnelle, M. Eccles. In fact je porte des "longues-Jeans" knitted by my Tante Fifi. Il fait froid à Paris, mon vieux.

E: Now, your chanson is très bloodthirsty, all to do with des personnes waving blood-stained drapeaux at vous.

CJRdL: La Tyrannie raises son bloody banner, Eccles.

E: Could you donner un exemple?

CJRdL: Well, par exemple, Louis XVI brought in a loi about le mariage bogus, le même-sexe mariage, and his gendarmes used gaz-de-larmes to attack anyone who manifestait pour la famille, dans les rues.

E: Terrible, Claude, and I gather that he decided to sack any maires who refusaient to conduct les même-sexe mariages. Clearly such a personne deserved rien less than the guillotine!

Long-lost cousins? François (L) and Louis (R).

CJRdL: So that's pourquoi we have so many blood-soif sentiments dans ma chanson.

E: Oui, indeed I see that vous voulez remplir some ditches with impure blood?

CJRdL: It's very good for the terre, Eccles. However, by the Commune Agricole Policy, we're no longer allowed to do this. We shall have to rewrite La Marseillaise to make it plus politiquement correct.

E: Ah, les EU bureaucrats, hein? Tous les traditional country ways are disappearing, n'est-ce pas?

CJRdL: I blame the Belges.

E: Claude Joseph Rouget de Lisle (now that's a nom aristocratique!), merci beaucoup.

David Cameron explains same-sex "marriage" to a Belgian.

---

Previous entries for the Eccles Bad Hymn Award:

Lord of the Dance.    Shine, Jesus, shine.    Enemy of apathy.    Walk in the Light.
Kum Ba Yah.    Follow me.    God's Spirit is in my heart.    Imagine.    Alleluia Ch-ch.
It ain't necessarily so.    I, the Lord of sea and sky.    Colours of day.    The red flag.
Go, the Mass is ended.    I watch the sunrise.    Bind us together, Lord.    Our god reigns.
My way.    Ding-Dong! The witch is dead.    If I were a butterfly.
Journeys ended, journeys begun.    The Galilee song.    The perfect face.
Jesus Christ the apple tree.    On eagle's wings.    Moses, I know you're the man.

The Pilgrim's Ogress 1 - Eccles writes

It has been observed that this blog is a little too serious sometimes, as it endeavours to give its readers spiritual nourishment and theological teaching, as well as guidance on hymns and up-to-date religious gossip news. So, inspired by another great blog, we are starting a very exciting serial, which will appear here from time to time. Each instalment will be written by a different person. Today, it is Eccles. Next time it may be his brother Bosco, or Cardinal Murphy-O'Connor, or A.C. Grayling. Wait and see!

A.C. Grayling and a young Richard Dawkins discuss why atheists need honey.

Dis is de story of Eccles, wot is a saved pusson, but who never misses an opportunitty to get more saved. One day he decided to go on a pilgrimage, not sure exactly where he was gonna go, cos he was very anxious to get away from de City of Destructoin (Notting Hill). He had been livvin in de basement of a huge mansoin, owned by best-sellin writer Damain Thopmson, along wiv his Anti Moly, wot is an unsaved pusson who goes "ROFL" at funerals. She is de ogress of de title, and is gonna be goin wiv him unless he can shake her off.

Eccles, the pilgrim.

Anyway, Eccles had had enough of living on custard and cupcakes, so he packed himself a proper pack, wiv spare clothes, Eccles cakes, and books for spiritaul nuorishment such as the Bibble, Shakespier, Lady, don't fall backwards! by Darcy Sarto, and a copy of Damain Thopmson's The Fox, which was thrust on him as a leaving present. Just as he was startin on his way, his Anti Moly, wot had been peacefully sleepin under the table after a long night screemin at the Internet, woke up and asked him where he was goin.

"I is goin on a pilgrimage, Anti," said Eccles, "and I will probably visit many sacred sites, like Walsingham, and Santiago de Compostela, and Fatima, and maybe even de holy city of Croydon."

Vanity Fair, 10 miles.

"All right, I'm comin wiv you," said his Anti. "We can take my donkey, wot is called Micky Ross, to carry our gin bottles wiv us."

"But you ain't a saved pusson, Anti," complained Eccles. "In fact you is banned from most of de churches inside de M25 for goin ROFL rather than AMEN. I been studyin this book by a man named Bunion, and he says dat de way of a pilgrim is hard, and it aint just goin into pubs and drinkin oneself into a stupor. He says you may even meet de foul fiend Apolly on de road (I fink she writes for de Gaurdian)."

"It's time for me to write another foul and fiendish article!"

But even this frightening prospect did not deter the old lady. Thus, Eccles and his Great-Ant Moli began their pilgrimage, heading westward towards the sinful fleshpots of Hammersmith.

What nameless horrors will our pilgrim encounter in Hammersmith?

Continued in Part 2.

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 18

Continued from Chapter 17

1. So it came to pass in the year of Our Lord two thousand and thirteen that Richard decided to write the story of his life.

2. And he entitled it An Appetite for Honey. For he was exceedingly fond of honey.

Richard encourageth a bee to make honey.

3. But his publishers changed the title to An Appetite for Wonder, in the hope of selling more copies, yeah even unto the man who hateth honey.

4. Meanwhile, Richard had been promised his own Book in the new edition of the Bible (that which is called Bible II), but he was not due to obtain any royalties from it.

5. Moreover, he had his own message for the world, namely, "I am the cleverest person who ever lived, and it is a scandal that I am not yet Sir Richard Dawkins, member of the Order of Merit, and Knight of the Garter."

The wicked man himself thinks only of honey.

6. "For I am a man of authority, having disciples under me: and I say to this man, Go, and he goeth; and to another, Come, and he cometh; and to my servant, Do this, and he doeth it. For their brains have been washed."

7. So Richard published his book, and many men mocked, saying "Ha ha."

8. Next, it came to pass that Richard planned a great journey, by means of a huge bird made of metal, which is called Aer-o-plane.

9. And he said, "I shall carry with me a quantity of honey, lest a famine strike me down during the flight, and my tongue cleave to the roof of my mouth." For he was still exceedingly fond of honey.

10. And those who knew more about these things, some of whom were holy and learned men, said, "Think ye that it is wise, thus to challenge the laws of man?" But Richard heeded them not.

Think ye that it is wise, my son?

11. And it came to pass that a man, whose name was Dundridge, said unto Richard. "Oi! thou canst not take thy honey with thee on the flight. For it may be the fabled honey of Bin Laden, which goeth 'Bang!'"

12. And Richard was exceeding wrathful, and spake, saying, "Dost thou not know who I am? I am Professor Richard Dawkins, FRS, he who invented genes and memes, and whose watches are repaired by a blind man. Know ye that my honey goeth not 'Bang!' For is it not written: Out of the pie came forth meat and out of the honey pot came forth sweetness?"

13. But Dundridge took the honey from the hands of Richard, and put it in a large box marked "SWAG", along with nineteen bottles of water, a vial of gin, some cream that protecteth the skin from the sun, and, as it happens, a bottle of nitroglycerine.

14. And Richard was exceeding wrathful and shouted in a loud voice: "WOE IS ME! BIN LADEN HATH WON!"

15. But the friends of Richard clubbed together, and brought him many gifts of honey, so that thenceforth Oxford was indeed a land flowing with milk and honey.

Richard receiveth many jars of honey.

16. And, ever since then, the third day of November has been a day on which men light bonfires, and put a "Richard" on top, and explode pots of honey, so that they forget not the grievous sufferings of Richard.

Continued in Chapter 19.

---

The Book of St Richard started here.

A homily from Fr Arfur

Hello, it's wonderful to see so many people in the church of St Daryl the Apostate this Sunday. It's been a busy week, with four festivals in a row: All Oween, All Saints, All Souls and today - as decreed by the Bishops' conference - All Fools Day.

Fr Arfur

Well the events of Thursday 31st October are best forgotten, and the person who shouted "Great zombie costume!" at Fr Phil when he came into church would be well advised to apologise. Although they weren't to know that he had just tripped over his cassock and fallen into a puddle while practising his liturgical dance steps on the way to Mass.

On Friday we celebrated All Saints: we looked at the track records of the saints throughout the ages and decided that we could probably do better than that bunch of dreadful traddies. Yesterday was All Souls, and it was good to see that at least three people under the age of 70 turned up to Mass. We apologise to old Mrs Moly Bendite for wrongly claiming that she was dead - still, at least a night in a coffin seems to have done her no permanent harm.

So, we come to today, All Fools Day, on which occasion we remember fools throughout the ages.

The bishop gets into the spirit of All Fools Day.

Now, as I was preparing for Mass, I read the sad story of Richard Dawkins, who is furious because a jar of honey was confiscated from him at airport security. Naturally, he blames religion for this, although this time it is our Muslim brethren - the late Mr Bin Laden - rather than the Catholic church that is responsible. But in a real sense are we not all responsible for the fact that the land of Dawkins is no longer flowing with milk and honey?

Never mind, Richard, the bees in your bonnet will make you some more honey!

Now today's Gospel reading contains just one message for us: it is a story about Zacchaeus, a person of restricted growth, climbing a tree. Members of our differently-heighted community have naturally condemned it as Achondroplasiaphobic Hate Crime, so we'll move on.

A piece of offensive bigotry.

As you may know, the Bishop's Conference is urging you to respond to a survey on divorce, same-sex marriage and contraception. I do urge you to take part in this - there are 666 easy-to-answer questions, and it should not take you more than about three weeks to finish it. With a new man in the Vatican, we naturally expect a total rewriting of Catholic teaching, and Pope Francis is anxious to be told what he should believe from now on. Perhaps he has already phoned up some of you to ask your advice?

Well, that's all we have time for. Just a reminder that there will be a retiring collection in aid of ACTA, the organization that is attempting to bring the church back into the 1960s, where it truly belongs!

The ACTA magazine - affiliated to the Tablet.

Special Bishops' questionnaire

We are now publishing a questionnaire, labelled "Ten questions that will help to shape the future of our church", which the Catholic faithful have asked their bishops to answer.

Wrong again, bishop. On to the next question?

1. Today is All Souls Day. How will you mark it? 
 (a) EF Missa Cantata with music from Cherubini's Requiem. 
 (b) NO Clown Mass with liturgically correct purple custard 
down the trousers.
 (c) I'll be practising my liturgical dancing.

At least it solves the problem of overweight bishops.

2. What is your attitude to popes?
 (a) Respect for his office, and loyalty to the Magisterium.
 (b) All popes from Peter to Benedict were terrible, but 
Francis brings a new dawn. The Tablet says so.
 (c) Best ignored. What I say in my diocese goes.

St Linus, as a child. Later, a typical traddy pope.

3. A hard-working highly-respected blogging priest in your diocese 
is grossly misrepresented by a third-rate local newspaper. 
How do you react?
 (a) Instantly apologise for what he said, although you 
haven't read it. 
 (b) Turn up to help at his soup kitchen as a sign that you 
support him.
 (c) Ignore the whole thing. It's his problem, not yours.

Could I have some more gruel, please, Bishop?

4. The churches in your diocese serve as:
 (a) An unrivalled opportunity for commercial redevelopment.
 (b) Centres at which the faithful can meet for worship.
 (c) Good places at which to pick up a copy of the Tablet.

Perhaps the Church needs to issue Clubcards as well.

5. Which of the following Catholic organizations do you support?
 (a) ACTA, Gay Pride, Quest.
 (b) The Calvary Chapel, the Orange Order, the Wee Frees.
 (c) None of the above.

Which bishop is behind the mask?

6. When you send your bishop's letter out, what happens to it?
 (a) The priest reads it out in a silly voice, rolling his eyes.
 (b) It is listened to with the respect due to a wise leader.
 (c) I send it out on DVD, together with a video about planned 
church closures.

Sometimes, reading out the letter is delegated to a more appropriate person.

7. What is your attitude to the sacrament of Confession?
 (a) It's OK to make up any old rubbish.
 (b) It is essential for Catholics to be absolved from their sins 
and to receive God's grace.
 (c) We don't really believe in sins these days, so I have 
cancelled it.

This confessional is no longer in use.

8. What comments do you hear when you sit in your Cathedra?
 (a) The bishop's here - now I know what a crook looks like.
 (b) I can't wait for us to be Sede Vacante again.
 (c) None at all (a trick question - you're not supposed to 
chat in church).

Bishops and crooks have always gone together.

9. What are your views on the ordination of women?
 (a) The new pope's not paying too much attention, so I've 
already slipped in half a dozen under his guard.
 (b) It is impossible.
 (c) My call is a fact, but some Pope in a hat,
     Closed discussion on that, and now he's in my way.

Anglican, I think, but never mind.

10. Which is your favourite hymn?
 (a) Shine, Jesus, shine.
 (b) Alleluia Ch-Ch.
 (c) Salve Regina.

Paul Inwood (L) explains how to sing the "Salve Regina Ch-Ch".

The Tablet Hallowe'en Party

October 31st was a big day for the Tablet, a teenage comic that unconvincingly claims to be "Catholic". First, there was the annual Tablet lecture, given by its Rome correspondent Robert Mickens, on the subject "We hates all popes, especially Benedict".

We hope to report more fully on the talk later, but so far we simply have a few soundbites, in which Mickens gives an in-depth analysis of previous popes, such as "John-Paul I - what silly glasses he wore!", "John-Paul II - couldn't even think of an original name!" and "Pope Benedict ate my hamster."

A Tablet CD.

Mickens did however look to the future as well, with "Now, Francis - here are your orders. Listen very carefully - I shall say this only seventy times."

After the lecture, it was time for the Tablet Hallowe'en Party - an event billed as "Come as you are!"

Tina Beattie enjoys an evening of "human flourishing".

All the great and good were there, sharing the true Vatican II Spirit which has made the Catholic church such a happy united institution, where Christian doctrine remains unchallenged, and the secular liberalism of the modern world is put in its place (Catherine Pepinster's office).

Chris Patten takes "come as you are" a little too literally.

Of course, some of the Tablet trustees did decide to dress up a little, but it was not always possible to identify them.

Eamon Duffy recreates the Spirit of Vatican II.

All-in-all, a good time was had by everyone, and at the end it was agreed to "trick or treat" some prominent Catholic priests in the neighbourhood - unless they agreed to revive the Tablet by placing copies in their churches, it would be custard-pie-in-the-face time. (The Anglicans have a similar tradition, known as "vicars and tarts".)

"Suddenly, a custard pie in the face doesn't seem like a bad alternative."

Orange bids for the Catholic Church

Telecommunications giant Orange today announced a hostile takeover bid for the Catholic Church, which, if successful, should mean significant changes in the way the "customer in the pew" is treated.

The future may be orange.

The Vatican has reacted angrily to the takeover bid, with Pope Francis encouraging all Catholics to boycott Orange. In response, the ever-loyal Tablet has signed up its managing director, Tom Orange, as a new columnist, and Tina Beattie has written an article explaining that Veneration of the Virgin should really be Veneration of the Orange.

How odd. They want to speak to my Superior.

If the Orange bid goes ahead, then priests will be replaced by "customer service personnel", mostly based in India, who will start to hear customers' confessions and hang up half way through. The standard of services in general will decline, and customers may well find themselves "cut off" from God without notice.

What you will see - a Mass in the new "company" vestments.

Tom Orange was at pains to reassure Catholics that they would see very few differences from what they are used to, but Irish Catholics in particular have pointed out that ever since the days of his ancestor, William of Orange, they have been deeply dissatisfied.

William of Orange - once a hostile bidder for the Catholic church.

Eccles and his sockpuppets

Brilliant detective work has at least revealed that Brother Eccles is a master of sockpuppetry. In addition to running 500 Twitter accounts - his ambition is to run the whole of Twitter single-handed - he also manages to write 200 different blogs on (mostly) religious subjects.

A Vatican-approved guide to puppetry.

Here are examples of some of the blogs that Eccles maintains. You will notice that they all have exactly the same style.

The Eccles Catholic donkey blog.

Today I took Vincent, the most troublesome of my 24 donkeys, on a walk to the Bar Moli in Finestrat, where we shared a bottle of gin to celebrate the feast of St Jude. Unfortunately, he was unable to walk home again, so I had to carry him back. Then when we got home, he logged onto Twitter and started insulting random people. I should never have given him his own computer.

The Eccles paranoid Chaplain blog.

What people don't realise is that deacons are priests. So priests should stop feeling superior to us. You wouldn't let me into your Superior Clergy Club, would you? Even though I made myself a biretta. What's more I don't want to hear anything from mothers who stay at home with babies. I'm a mother too, you know. Well, a father. And I stay at home all weekend. Except when I go out. I hate you all, especially the puppetmaster Eccles.

St Joan Blogger.

Hello, everyone, this is Auntie Joan, the writer, biographer, historian, poet, humourist, Olympic cyclist, brain surgeon and Renaissance woman. Auntie has had a very exciting week, as Pope Francis phoned her up to ask if she had any advice to give him on how to write encyclicals. Auntie told him, "Write everything in the third person, as it produces a vibrant prose style." Auntie is taking part in a discussion with Pope Francis on Vatican Radio soon, and she will make every effort to prevent the Holy Father from saying anything embarrassing - that should be easy, because he probably won't be able to get a word in edgeways!

The Eccles "Holy Smoke" blog.

Maria João Pires - found herself playing Mozart's 4th horn concerto.

Take a look at this ancient video that someone sent me. It shows the pianist Maria João Pires in a terrible dilemma. She was expecting to play a Mozart Piano Concerto with the Amsterdam Concertgebouw, but when the orchestra started, she found that they were playing his 4th Horn Concerto. Resourceful to the last, she grabbed a French horn from a member of the orchestra, and gallantly blew her way through the concerto. Said the orchestra member, a Mr Flanders, "I've lost that horn - I know I was using it yesterday. I've lost that horn, lost that horn, found that horn ... gorn."

The same thing happens to me sometimes. I have prepared an in-depth article on custard for the Telegraph, when the editor comes to my desk and says, "Damian! It's Catholicism this week." Being an experienced journalist, I take out my blue pencil, change all the references to custard, add something about the impending murder of the Nuncio, and - voilà! - in 5 minutes I have the piece that I was asked for.

The Protect-the-Eccles Pope blog.

The Tablet ludicrously misreports Bishop Conry's meeting with ACTA to discuss their recommendation of abortion as a human right, in an attempt to ban the Bible in all English dioceses, while Cardinal Murphy-O'Connor's refusal to attend a SHAG week in Rome sends out mixed signals to Enda Kenny, according to the BBC.

Protect-the-Eccles Comment: Phew! This one's too much for me.

The Hermit of Cottingley blog.

The autumn colloquium of the British Province of the Confraternity of Catholic Clergy was very well attended, but some delegates found that it was disruptive to hear cries of "Let me in, I'm a deacon!" outside the window, as we sang Gregorian chants in the bar at night. From now on, the Confraternity has agreed to admit deacons as well, except for ones who are obviously insane.

See? All these well-regarded blogs were really by Eccles, all along.

Bad hymns 26

Today is an historic occasion, as this is the first time that we are inviting back an Eccles Bad Hymn Award author who has already spoken to us. We talked to Estelle White a few months ago about her remarkable hymn The Perfect Face, but the nominations are for the hymn, not the author, so here she is again with Moses, I know you're the man.

E: Estelle, it always moves me when I see that one of your hymns is scheduled... in fact sometimes it moves me out of the church completely. Welcome back.

EW: It's great to be with you again, Eccles. You're really going to appreciate this hymn.

E: "Moses, I know you're the man" the Lord said.
"You're going to work out my plan..."
I've got it - A man, a plan, a canal - Panama! One of the world's great palindromes!

Moses's cunning plan is to lead his people across the Panama canal.

EW: No, no, Eccles, no canals. What the Lord says next is that Moses should lead the Israelites out of slavery and He will make them a wandering race, called the people of God.

E: Well that's a very good offer, if you like wandering, I suppose. Are you sure that the wandering idea didn't come later, when the Israelites started misbehaving? It's not in the original contract.

EW: Let me sing the chorus, Eccles, as you'll have to sing it four times yourself:

So ev'ry day
we're on our way,
for we're a travelling, wandering race
called the people of God.

E: I see... well, no, I don't. You're identifying us with the Israelites lost in the desert? Or some other walking party?

Is Estelle White thinking of us?

EW: Anyway, the rest of the hymn simply wrote itself. I rang all the changes on travelling, wandering, vagabond, moving... until I ran out of steam.

E: With some brilliant couplets on the way, I see.

Don't get too set in your ways,
Each step is only a phase.

This doesn't actually make a lot of sense if you think about it, does it? I would have preferred:

I seem to be lost in a maze:
It must be one of those days.

EW: Try this instead:

Look at the birds in the air,
They fly unhampered by care.

E: With respect, Estelle, are we not getting away from the main message of the song? We're having a race.

We're a travelling wandering race.

EW: Well, nearly right, Eccles. Anyway I am delighted to know that at least three separate people nominated my hymn.

E: Yes, I've arranged counselling for them. Estelle, thank you very much.

---

Previous entries for the Eccles Bad Hymn Award:

Lord of the Dance.    Shine, Jesus, shine.    Enemy of apathy.    Walk in the Light.
Kum Ba Yah.    Follow me.    God's Spirit is in my heart.    Imagine.    Alleluia Ch-ch.
It ain't necessarily so.    I, the Lord of sea and sky.    Colours of day.    The red flag.
Go, the Mass is ended.    I watch the sunrise.    Bind us together, Lord.    Our god reigns.
My way.    Ding-Dong! The witch is dead.    If I were a butterfly.
Journeys ended, journeys begun.    The Galilee song.    The perfect face.
Jesus Christ the apple tree.    On eagle's wings.

Enda Kenny taken into care

In Ireland it has been reported that little Enda Kenny, 62, has been taken into care, after it was discovered that he had no features in common with the Roman community who had been bringing him up.

Little Enda with his alleged parents.

Said a police spokesman, "We did a full DNA test on Enda, and failed to find any of the usual moral principles that we associate with the Roman community - for example, he had a strange fascination for abortion, which you would not expect to see in such people. Moreover, his whole anatomy is unusual, as he has no moral fibre and no backbone."

Eamon Martin, de facto leader of the Roman community in Ireland.

Eamon Martin, the man whom the Roman community calls "the big cheese", has said that he had noticed that little Enda was rather different from the rest of his people. However, he had decided not to expel him, hoping that the boy might blend in unnoticed. Unfortunately, it was not hard to see that he stuck out like a sore thumb.

A sore thumb, similar to that like which little Enda stuck out.

The police are making enquiries in other countries, and it seems likely that a large number of similar cases will be brought to light. In Britain for example, Operation Tablet has been launched, which is likely to net a huge number of misplaced Romans. "These people need to be taken into care," said Inspector Welby ("Flying Welby of the Yard"),"and I think they will be happier with us."

Flying Welby of the Yard.