Dis is me, Eccles

Dis is me, Eccles
Dis is me, Eccles

Saturday, 18 January 2014

A sin-based approach to weather-forecasting

Following Councillor David Silvester's comments that recent storms and floods were caused by David Cameron's same-sex "marriage" legislation, and the Rev. Drayton Parslow's consequent explanation of many of the events seen in the last few thousand years, we have enlisted the aid of leading moral theologians and meteorologists to present a sin-based approach to weather forecasting. Simply see what sins you have committed recently, and we can tell you what tomorrow's weather will be like - more accurately than the Met Office.

Alice and floods

Alice, affected by flooding. Was sex to blame?

LUST. Lust is normally associated with extreme wet weather, leading to floods in some areas. Remember the book of Genesis, and what happened to the cities of the flood plain? That.

Prescott and pie

GLUTTONY. Put that pie down for a minute and I'll tell you what to expect. Probably a foggy day tomorrow, where you'll be wandering round aimlessly in circles.

AVARICE. Well you may have been saving for a rainy day, but, tough luck, you're more likely to get hail, with snow on high ground.

a sloth

SLOTH. Expect one of those days that are cloudy and dull, without even a trace of a breeze. Since you're probably in bed anyway, you won't even notice, will you?

ANGER. Shocking weather, with disruption on the rails, flights cancelled, long traffic jams, and road rage. Apparently it's the wrong kind of sunshine, so don't get cross. I said, don't get cross.

bring me sunshine

Sunshine! Doesn't it make you want to beat someone up?

ENVY. Expect lousy cold weather, with scattered showers and sunny intervals. It's much nicer on the Costa Blanca, I assure you. Some people have all the luck, don't they?

PRIDE. You have got wonderful weather, but that's because where you are it's the height of summer. But remember, this always comes before a Fall.

confessional

Forgive me father, it's cloudy today.

This guide can of course be used in the converse sense: if you go to Confession and it's foggy, that may mean that you overdid on the pies last night. Be warned.

2 comments:

  1. ...and, taken together, they are all responsible for 'Global Warming', right?

    But maybe that's just a lot of hot air...

    ReplyDelete
  2. My colleague who teaches "Geografia" in the Spanish curriculum (in our dual curriculum school) expressed her alarm recently because some of the students had told her that their teacher of "Geography" in the British curriculum says man-made global warming is a nonsense. I reassured her that I teach them to write the politically correct answers as required by the exams but we study all the evidence and the science is complete rubbish. She was relieved. "That's exactly what I have to do," she said.

    So... as long as the students know what nonsense to write in the exam, we can all get on with understanding the world around us as an independent exercise. The students are now used to this doublespeak. Orwell got it right all those years ago, didn't he?

    ReplyDelete