The founder of Wookieleaks speaks out.
For those unaware of the context, the BBC Radio 4 Today Programme has had a series of guest editors this week, chosen for their great wisdom and erudition. On this occasion it was Dr Miley Cyrus, professor of Twerkonomics at the University of Nashville, who nominated St Julian to provide the Alternative-to-thought for the Day. Over to you, Julie!
O God, get me out of this dump!
Catholics!? Dontchahatem?! Always keeping secrets! I know all about this - a Catholic priest dropped into the Ecuadorian Embassy recently, and my hosts said I could interview him once I'd finished dusting, cleaning the bathrooms, fixing a wikileaking tap, and peeling the potatoes. "Father Llamedos," I said. "Tell me what people have been saying to you in the Confessional recently. We have a right to be told, and to publish it on the Internet." To my consternation and disgust, the priest refused to tell me any good gossip. I've heard that many other priests take the same secretive line.
"They've leaked some fascinating confessions here, Holy Father!"
Of course I blame God really. He was going to keep the arrival of Jesus as a surprise, simply publishing the Good News hundreds of years afterwards. Luckily our agents, Isaiah, Jeremiah and Micah, managed to post a warning on the WookieProphet site, forcing the Heavenly authorities to revise their plans. Indeed, when Jesus was born, rather obscurely, in Bethlehem, we managed to leak the news to some shepherds by broadcasting the cryptic message "GLORIA IN EXCELSIS DEO." Although in the end we were unsuccessful, we also did our best to warn King Herod, so that he could have killed Jesus straight away, saving the lives of dozens of children.
The shepherds hear the message of the Assangels.
In more recent times, Catholicism has always been associated with secrecy, whereas Protestantism is the doctrine of freedom. For example, Latin was originally devised by the Romans as a way of keeping their messages secret. "AMO, AMAS, AMAT," they would say, and the common people wouldn't even guess that there was a three-way love affair going on. The Catholics took up the language, and to this day they use Latin Masses as a way of preventing our citizens from empowering themselves. In our Embassy the Masses are mostly in Spanish, Quichua and Shuar, and quite right too. Personally, I have converted to Incaism, which was once an important religion in my country of Ecuador. No Catholicism for me!
"Shine, Viracocha, Shine!" or just Assange at twilight.
Thank you very much, St Julian. You are a beacon of hope that opens the doors to freedom, and a key that lights the path to liberty. And we know you're very popular in Sweden.