This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Tuesday, 20 September 2016

Protect the Beattie!

After the striking success of our Justice for Tina campaign, a few years ago, it's time for us to have another go at showing mercy (© Pope Francis) to Professor Tina Beattie, the world's greatest living expert on Human Flourishing.

Some people have been very rude to Tina recently, daring to criticise the dear lady's views, even suggesting that she put a sock in it. So much so that she is now a hot favourite for the 2016 Tony Flannery Prize for Silenced Catholics. She never stops talking about it.


Fans of Tina Beattie show their support.

However, Tina Beattie is (in her own words) forbidden from speaking in the diocese of Edinburgh and St Andrews by Archbishop Leo Cushley! This is pretty severe, you'll agree. Of course this is not a blanket ban, and Tina is allowed to indulge in limited attempts at communication: she can order her favourite Pizza à la Hans Küng in Tartaglia's Italian restaurant, she can buy train tickets back to London (and indeed is encouraged to), and so on. However, any attempts to tell passers-by her views on abortion, same-sex "marriage", or the wackier bits of God's Mother, Eve's Advocate are met by persecution from the Scottish Inquisition.

Nevertheless, Tina does have powerful friends among the episcopate, and they will rush to attack anyone who criticises her.

Cleese, Barker and Corbett

The patrons of our Protect the Beattie campaign.

Now, we realise that certain words and phrases upset dear Tina, and we are encouraging people to avoid using them:

• Jesus said...
• Catholic teaching says...
• Pope Francis said...
• Pope Benedict said... [YELLOW ALERT FOR THIS ONE]
• St Paul said... [RED ALERT]


Doctor? Someone quoted Pope John-Paul II at me!

However, the following expressions, which are essentially meaningless, are much more soothing, and they will cure her headaches, lower her blood pressure, and leave our Tina with a feeling of well-being and - dare we say it - human flourishing. So please try to use them as much as possible.

• Gender identity;
• Women bishops;
• Feminist philosophy of religion;
• Remaking the Church;
• Global sisterhood.


  1. I've seen her wandering around Harthill with a megaphone so what you say could explain that. Her blanket was very wet and she looked rather cold.

  2. There is another sentence which sends her into an apoplectic frenzy and I used it Monday evening at a lecture that she and two other Amoris L. fans were giving in Bath.
    "Tina, if you are a supporter of A.L. how do you accept the statement 'Church teaches against Capital Punishment ' meanwhile, you sign a letter URGING Polish Bishops to not support the Abortion Ban in Poland".
    The response was so dramatic, she lost all the Mercy and Lurve she had been eulogising about all evening. ( it was between me and her in a private conversation in a corner of the room not 'during the debate,' as I reminded her, it would have ben uncharitable of me. Wish you'd been there!