Protect the Beattie!

After the striking success of our Justice for Tina campaign, a few years ago, it's time for us to have another go at showing mercy (© Pope Francis) to Professor Tina Beattie, the world's greatest living expert on Human Flourishing.

Some people have been very rude to Tina recently, daring to criticise the dear lady's views, even suggesting that she put a sock in it. So much so that she is now a hot favourite for the 2016 Tony Flannery Prize for Silenced Catholics. She never stops talking about it.

Fans of Tina Beattie show their support.

However, Tina Beattie is (in her own words) forbidden from speaking in the diocese of Edinburgh and St Andrews by Archbishop Leo Cushley! This is pretty severe, you'll agree. Of course this is not a blanket ban, and Tina is allowed to indulge in limited attempts at communication: she can order her favourite Pizza à la Hans Küng in Tartaglia's Italian restaurant, she can buy train tickets back to London (and indeed is encouraged to), and so on. However, any attempts to tell passers-by her views on abortion, same-sex "marriage", or the wackier bits of God's Mother, Eve's Advocate are met by persecution from the Scottish Inquisition.

Nevertheless, Tina does have powerful friends among the episcopate, and they will rush to attack anyone who criticises her.

The patrons of our Protect the Beattie campaign.

Now, we realise that certain words and phrases upset dear Tina, and we are encouraging people to avoid using them:

• Jesus said...
• Catholic teaching says...
• Pope Francis said...
• Pope Benedict said... [YELLOW ALERT FOR THIS ONE]
• St Paul said... [RED ALERT]

Doctor? Someone quoted Pope John-Paul II at me!

However, the following expressions, which are essentially meaningless, are much more soothing, and they will cure her headaches, lower her blood pressure, and leave our Tina with a feeling of well-being and - dare we say it - human flourishing. So please try to use them as much as possible.

• Gender identity;
• Women bishops;
• Feminist philosophy of religion;
• Remaking the Church;
• Global sisterhood.

The Scottish bishops disaster

By William McGonagall

'Twas in the year twenty-fifteen
That strange events in Scotland were seen:
The Nationalists' hopes began to burgeon
Because of a bonnie wee lass called Sturgeon,
Who was bound to do well in the General Election
Because of a mood of disaffection.

The Catholic bishops were all very fine,
Except perhaps for Keith O'Brien.
Of the rest I would mention especially
Philip Tartaglia and Leo Cushley.
Devine was divine, and as for Toal,
There was quite a high chance of saving his soul.

Trouble ahead: Leo Cushley makes a new friend.

But 'tis often thought that Catholics
Should be careful when dabbling in politics.
Bishops, you may write your flock a note
But don't tell 'em exactly how to vote.
When making our choice most think it better
To ignore the tedious "Bishops' Letter".

Alas! The bishops had been gammoned
By Nicola Sturgeon and Alex Salmond.
They fell into a hopeless passion,
And expressed themselves after this fashion:
"She may have got enormous feet,
But her voice is low and sweet -
Aye, she's a' the world to me;
And for bonnie leftie Nicky 
I'd lay me doon and dee!"

Bonnie Leftie Nicky.

I must now conclude my lay,
And tell the world what many men say.
Bishops are blessed, and they know how to pray,
But in Scotland, as in England, they
Sometimes don't take care what they say.
Respectfully, I warn the episcopal classes:
"Your conduct sometimes rather crass is.
Worship God, and say your Masses,
But don't trust any political lasses,
Or people will say you're a bunch of asses!"

Wiser than some bishops.

Justice for Tina - the fight goes on

We are shocked to read in the Tablet that Professor Tina Beattie, the "Catholic" "theologian" has been banned by Archbishop Leo Cushley of St Andrews and Edinburgh from speaking on Church property in his diocese. This blog has long been a supporter of "lovely Tina", without controversially going so far as to describe her as either Catholic or a theologian, and it is time to revive the Justice for Tina! campaign.

Theology? An ology? She gets an ology and she thinks she's failed?

Of course St Paul notoriously wrote "Women keep silent in church" (1 Corinthians 14:34), but modern theological scholarship has concluded that this was probably an over-reaction after the day he took his Auntie Moly to church with him and she kept up a constant commentary of "Woeful!" Archbishop Leo's interdiction - according to the Tablet - is even fiercer, and dear Tina will not even be able to speak on church property. So even a "good morning, bruvver Eccles" will be a hanging offence if she says it while standing in the church car park.

Archbishop Cushing.

Leo Cushley was apparently acting on instructions from the Inquisition (now known as the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith), and this is evidence that even in Rome the writings of dear Tina are scutinised for heresy. Tina, as a close friend of yours, may I give you some advice? If one day you are lecturing in Roehampton and you find Cardinal Gerhard Müller sitting in the audience, BE VERY AFRAID. Drop your plans to explain how abortion and same-sex marriage are key Catholic doctrines, forget any possibility of comparing the Mass to an act of homosexual intercourse: go for something uncontroversial, like the parable of the sower and the seed, while keeping off rude jokes about seed.

The campaign goes on.

To be banned once (Clifton), Tina, may be a misfortune; to be banned twice (San Diego also), looks like carelessness. To be banned three times (Edinburgh) looks very much as though someone thinks you've been misbehaving. But we're not going to take this lying down, are we, Tina? Forget the massacres of IS/ISIS/ISIL/SS (Satanic State)! Forget the fact that Cardinal Kasper was cornered by 20 cardinals led by George Pell, and had his head pushed down the Vatican toilets! Forget the fact that the Catholic Church in Scotland is now run by the SNP! No, the burning issue today is JUSTICE FOR TINA! Write to the Pope now! Write to Gerhard Müller! Write to the Tablet! Write to the Beano!

45% of Scots said that Tina was welcome to lecture in their homes!