Burkegate - What Pope Francis really said

A special article by Austen "Spindoctor" Ivereigh for the Where Pachamama is blog.

The Pope is an astonishly patient man, and will sink his enemies even if it takes him ten years to do it. Seeing all the bad publicity he was getting for his merciful and patient attacks on Cardinal Burke, he summoned me to Rome as a matter of urgency so that I could explain to the world what he was up to. Did I mention that I am an expert on papal matters?

I flew to Rome from Bristol airport, stopping on the way at the Multifaith Bus Shelter for a spot of Pachamama devotion, also in order to pin up a mural by my favourite artist Marko Rupnik. The place was deserted apart from an Incan sacrifice taking place at the same time.

A sacred place!

Patient merciful Pope Francis the Humble was not in good health - a sprained wrist through slapping too many Chinese girls - but he explained to me that he loved Cardinal Burke - after all, we are commanded to love our enemies, and Burke was one of his worst enemies. With their Dubia, Burke and his fellow-conspirators had asked Pope Francis to explain some aspects of Amoris Laetitia several years ago, knowing perfectly well that clear and unambiguous teaching is against the rules of the Jesuit order.

Burke had also dared to criticise the Synod on Synodal Synodality of Synodhood, arguably the most important Catholic event since Pentecost, saying that it was a complete waste of time. Having myself attended as an expert, I know that getting barmy old ladies sitting round tables and moaning is the true future of the Church!

We must all be Synod!

At this point in our discussion, Francis found his patience tried beyond all limits, and he humbly kicked Rupnik, the Vatican cat, through the window. "Don't worry," he said. "Pick up the body and give it to Mike Lewis. He'll eat anything."

Instead of living in a broom cupboard, as the humble Holy Father does, Cardinal Burke has a much larger apartment, and this is now required by other cardinals who wish to hold "get-togethers" there. I know that Cardinal Coccopalmerio has already put in a bid.

Who is this shadowy figure?

Of course Burke is still a member of two dicasteries, and of the Apostolic Signatura, but as Pope Francis explained, he should regard these positions as honours, and not expect to be paid.

So what message am I to take away from my meeting with the Humble Father? First, although in our conversation he described Burke as his enemy, he has now sent me a note saying "I never used the word 'enemy' nor the pronoun 'my'." Obviously we all misheard - it's easily done. Also he certainly never said "We hates him we hates him, nasty Burkies, we hates him, my precious, and we is going to throw him out on the streets!"

I hope I have made it clear, and let me repeat this: Pope Francis is patient, kind and merciful, and Cardinal Burke is a meanie. Strickland has fallen! Burke has fallen! Who will be next? Aha!

Great stuff, Austen. And the cat pie was delicious! Mike.

Mike Lewis!

God admits "I knew what McCarrick was up to"

We have seen a succession of implausible denials from Cardinals Wuerl, Farrell, Cupich, etc. that they knew that (ex-)Cardinal "Uncle Ted" McCarrick was anything other than a saintly being destined to be canonized soon after shuffling off his mortal coil. They never knew. They were shocked. Why weren't they told?

We have seen attacks from Martin, Rosica, Winters, Mickens, ... blaming any Catholics who do not happen to be homosexual for using the Tedgate affair to question the ethics of the St Gallen Mafia, the USCCB Gay Mafia, the Jesuits, the Pope, etc. They're all traddies. They go to Latin Masses. Some of them don't like Amoris Laetitia. Burn them!

We have seen total silence from the Pope himself, but since he lives his life without television, newspapers, internet, post, or friends, he cannot be expected to be aware that there is anything to worry about.

"Ted! How's tricks?"

Finally, God the Father has stepped up to the post and admitted that He, at least, knew perfectly well what McCarrick was up to. When asked why He had not stepped in to stop it with a bit of smiting - say a well-placed lightning bolt - the Almighty explained that in these Novum Testamentum days, smiting is out of fashion, and it's Mercy that's the Flavour of the Aeon.

"But I didn't design that dreadful Logo," explained God.

God is well-known for His reluctance to give direct answers to questions (or "dubia") submitted to Him in prayer. These include:
1. Is this it?
2. How do you do what you do to me?
3. What kind of fool am I?
4. Should I stay or should I go?
5. Does your chewing gum lose its flavour on the bedpost overnight? [Perhaps it was a mistake to add this one.]

"Is there no bomb in Gilead?" Another good question.

Nevertheless, the Almighty has promised to take action at the Day Of Judgement, and make things hot for some people. It's always hard to know who will end up as a sheep or a goat, but the general consensus seems to be that when the Dies Irae comes, Judas Iscariot, Nero, Henry VIII (sorry, Anglicans!), Hitler, and Sydney "Lord of the Dance" Carter went a bit too far in life, and will require good lawyers, or else a Surprise Redemption.

As for McCarrick, well we'll see...

Pope Trek

Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Vatican. Its five-year mission: to explore strange new heresies, to develop new practices and new doctrines, to boldly teach what no man has taught before.

"Live long and prosper!" The Captain and Mr Tuglu demonstrate the traditional Vulgan greeting.

Jorge T. Kirk: Pope's log, stardate 2017.4. We have beamed on board two aliens suffering from acute Heresitis: there's a sick lunar man and an omnisexual Martian, James Martian, no less.

James Martian: Bleep, bleep, bleep! The Holy Spirit's a woman! Mary Magdalen wore a dalmatic! God can learn a lot from us! Can I use the ladies' rest room, please?

Mr Spockaro, science officer: Fascinating!

Dr McCoccopalmerio: This behaviour is perfectly normal for some alien species, Jorge.

Captain: Excellent, give the man a job in communications!

"Bleep, bleep, bleep!"

Captain: Pope's log, supplemental. Meanwhile, nobody on board knows where we're going, but my science officer, Mr Spockaro the Vulgar, has a theory.

Mr Spockaro: Jorge, I've reprogrammed the ship's computers to use the formula 2+2=5. It is the most logical solution.

Captain: So where are we?

Spockaro: Anywhere you'd like to be, Captain, provided that it's somewhere the Church hasn't been before.

Mr Spockaro is a master of the Vulgan Death Grip.

Mr Tuglu (urgently): Captain, Lieutenant U'Sarah has jumped ship. We think he may be heading for Cappa Magna to join the rebel Burkons.

Captain: Set course for Cappa Magna, Mr Tuglu. Warped Doctrine 8. Dr McCocco, any news on the health of Amoris Laetitia?

Dr McCoccopalmerio: She's dead, Jorge.

Captain: See if you can save some of her, "Boneheads". Her footnotes, at least.

Dr McCocco: Damnit, Jim, I'm a doctor, not a faith healer!

Spockaro: Captain, we're approaching Cappa Magna. Witless worms on the starboard bow.

Captain: Mr Spockaro, I want you to beam down with me. We'll take with us three red-shirted security personnel who can be conveniently wiped out, since we're the ones essential to the plot.

The three expendable red-shirts. They never will be missed

Engineer Baldisseri (for it is he): Standing by, Captain, ta beam ye doon ta the planet!

Captain: Thanks, "Baldy", let's go! We'll shoot to kill, so set phasers on "Mercy".

Omnes: ♫ We're Pope Trekkin' across the universe,
Boldly going forward, still can't find reverse. ♫

(From Kevin Mayhew's Bad Hymns for the 22nd Century).

Spockaro and Tuglu join in the sing-song.

How will the Captain and Spockaro fare when they land on Cappa Magna? Will they succumb to an epidemic of Familiaris Consortio virus? Or will it simply wipe out the three expendable red-shirts? Why has "Baldy" filled the transporter room with stolen books? Have we heard the last of James Martian? Does General Sosa of the Jesuites still reject the Gospels, or has he found some tricorder readings dating from the 1st century? Finally, what role will be played by a three-foot gnome called Ivereigh?

Protect the Beattie!

After the striking success of our Justice for Tina campaign, a few years ago, it's time for us to have another go at showing mercy (© Pope Francis) to Professor Tina Beattie, the world's greatest living expert on Human Flourishing.

Some people have been very rude to Tina recently, daring to criticise the dear lady's views, even suggesting that she put a sock in it. So much so that she is now a hot favourite for the 2016 Tony Flannery Prize for Silenced Catholics. She never stops talking about it.

Fans of Tina Beattie show their support.

However, Tina Beattie is (in her own words) forbidden from speaking in the diocese of Edinburgh and St Andrews by Archbishop Leo Cushley! This is pretty severe, you'll agree. Of course this is not a blanket ban, and Tina is allowed to indulge in limited attempts at communication: she can order her favourite Pizza à la Hans Küng in Tartaglia's Italian restaurant, she can buy train tickets back to London (and indeed is encouraged to), and so on. However, any attempts to tell passers-by her views on abortion, same-sex "marriage", or the wackier bits of God's Mother, Eve's Advocate are met by persecution from the Scottish Inquisition.

Nevertheless, Tina does have powerful friends among the episcopate, and they will rush to attack anyone who criticises her.

The patrons of our Protect the Beattie campaign.

Now, we realise that certain words and phrases upset dear Tina, and we are encouraging people to avoid using them:

• Jesus said...
• Catholic teaching says...
• Pope Francis said...
• Pope Benedict said... [YELLOW ALERT FOR THIS ONE]
• St Paul said... [RED ALERT]

Doctor? Someone quoted Pope John-Paul II at me!

However, the following expressions, which are essentially meaningless, are much more soothing, and they will cure her headaches, lower her blood pressure, and leave our Tina with a feeling of well-being and - dare we say it - human flourishing. So please try to use them as much as possible.

• Gender identity;
• Women bishops;
• Feminist philosophy of religion;
• Remaking the Church;
• Global sisterhood.

The Pilgrim's Ogress 10: Disciples of Satan

Continued from Part 9.

The story so far: Eccles and his Aunt Moly are on a pilgrimage. After their spiritually nourishing encounter with Tina Beattie, they decide to test one of the pope's latest claims. Father James Martin SJ takes up the story.

A parish secretary deals with an unwelcome enquiry.

I am very honoured to have been invited to continue the tale of Eccles's wanderings. I know Eccles is a great fan of my books, especially How God can learn from us, which explains why God created mankind, and Invent your own heresy, in which I tell you how I developed the complex doctrines of Martinism, and how you too can have a heresy named after yourself. But I digress.

How God can learn from us.

Hearing of Pope Francis's words that parish secretaries were like disciples of Satan, Brother Eccles decided that the time had to come to take up the cudgels against such creatures. Now I don't run a parish myself, being a member of the America House Jesuit Community in Manhattan, where my brother Jesuits and I live a simple life of comradeship (and we hardly ever dress up as deaconesses, that's right out). So I advised Eccles to visit a typical English parish and see how Pope Francis SJ (!) had spoken nothing but the plain truth.

In our Jesuit community, Friday night is custard night!

Now Eccles's Auntie Moly did not come with him on this occasion, Apparently, she'd just been appointed to Pope Francis's commission to study the issue of women deacons, along with other famous Catholics such as Nancy Pelosi, Tony Flannery, Catherine Pepinster, Hans Küng, and Cardinal Marx. Packing six suitcases with bottles of gin, hair restorer, Zap-a-bug^TM insect killer spray, and other favourite tipples, she took a flight to Rome, leaving Eccles to confront the Disciple of Satan on his own.

Eccles knocked on the door of St Tharg's parish office and went in.

The Parish Secretary.

"GO AWAY!" screamed the Parish Secretary, who at that moment was crouched over the unconscious body of a Franciscan friar, preparing to drink his blood. "THE PILGRIMAGE TO LORD'S IS CANCELLED AS WE GOT THE WRONG SHRINE WE HAVE NO MORE RAFFLE TICKETS TO SELL THE REFUGEES DON'T WANT ANY MORE DONATIONS OF OLD SOCKS NO I DON'T KNOW WHO MURDERED THE ORGANIST TICKETS FOR THE CLOWN MASS AREN'T ON SALE YET FATHER ERIC HAS BEEN ARRESTED FOR SETTING FIRE TO THE BISHOP AND DON'T TAKE AWAY THE BROKEN PIANO UNTIL WE'VE USED IT FOR OUR PAUL INWOOD CONCERT."

There was nothing Eccles could do. He tried attacking the parish secretary with all the weapons at his disposal - mercy, sarcasm, and a ripe selection of Pope-Francis-approved insults - but in the end he retired defeated. He'll never make the grade as a Jesuit.

In this case, even Mercy was not enough to overpower the Disciple of Satan.

Michael Coren writes another book

The great Michael Coren has written the publishing sensation of 2016, and it will certainly put into the shade other best-sellers such as Pope Francis's Amoris Laetitia and Gianfranco Ravasi's So farewell then, David Bowie, Prince, and Choppers the Chimp.

Yes, the much-loved author of Why Catholics are Right, its sequel, Why Catholics are Wrong, and a further sequel, Why Catholics are Right after all, has dashed off a new book that will be published this month.

Why Christ was wrong and I am right.

At first, I thought that Epiphany was a new take on the Bible story. Three wise men from the East, Kasper, Müller and Baldisseri, make a journey to the humble stable in Essex in which the infant Coren is lying, and bring him gifts of cash, deodorant, and baby-powder.

If that is the case, we should look forward to Coren's Good Friday, where he suffers in agony - his evening talk show The Arena with Michael Coren being cancelled - and of course the impressive autobiography Easter, where Coren rises again (and probably becomes a Catholic once more). However, I may have got the wrong end of the stick here.

The three wise men on the A12, seeking the birthplace of Michael Coren.

Coren's had a good week. When Michael Voris humbled himself, and gave an account of how God had helped him to "go straight", he was instinctively showered with good wishes by orthodox Catholics (apparently Mercy is well-regarded these days). Meanwhile, the other Michael was clearly revelling in his discomfort. No doubt Christ would have said the same "You've repented of your sins, have you? You cheeky fellow!"

Well I haven't read Epiphany yet, nor do I expect to, but it's interesting to see that the most-hyped praise that it has received comes from Stephen Fry, that well-known sympathiser with Christian teaching.

Looking ahead...

The scene at the Pearly Gates.

St Peter: Ah, Mike. I see that in your lifetime you joined the Catholic Church six times and left it six times, you wrote 50 books, and you received the last rites from the Seventh-day Jehovah's tree-worshippers. It's not really enough to let you in, I'm afraid.

Coren: But Stephen Fry says I am saved!

St Peter: Who???

Amoris Laetitia - what you missed

9451. Traditionally, the ideal family consists of a man, a woman, 2.4 children, a dog, a cat, and a hamster. In that case, we should take a moment to consider the suffering endured by the odd 0.4 of a child - why is he taunted by cries of "He's not all there, you know!"?

There are many ways that a married couple can show their love for each other. For example, a morning kiss may be appropriate. For those who find this too difficult, they may wish to share in the household chores, such as power-hosing the television, throwing the cat out of the window, or bathing the hamster.

Fr J. Hackett S.J. explains that loving relationships can be very varied.

Of course other models of family life are possible. In the parable of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, Our Lord tells the tale of what some might call a "dysfunctional" family, with one woman and seven small men. It is important that Catholics treat such non-standard families with love and mercy^TM, and do not, for example, send them poisoned apples.

9452. Now is a good time for me to insert a dig at Father Thomas Rosica, who has been a complete pain in recent months.

Only joking, Tom!

9453. The good news for all of us is that, as the Gospel explains, everyone shall be saved. Good and Evil are a matter of personal choice, or "conscience"; that is why it would be inappropriate for this Apostolic Exhortation to mention sin, damnation, Hell, gnashing of teeth, or anything else that is not warm, cuddly and merciful^TM.

This is what Catholicism is really about.

9454. Now I know that many of you want answers to the following questions:

1. Is the Pope still a Catholic?
2. Should divorced and remarried couples be allowed to take communion?
3. Do we still burn heretics?

Confession should no longer involve torture.

Well, I am unwilling to give clear answers to these questions, so I suggest you read this document slowly and carefully - which is ironic as it was dashed off in a coffee break, and not properly checked - and maybe you will find some answers. I certainly couldn't.

9455. There will be another Synod next year, where we wheel out all the usual suspects to tell us what my Amoris Laetitia actually means. See you there!

Pope Francis agrees to forgive Jesus

In his homily for the Feast of the Holy Family, Pope Francis had this to say:

Instead of returning home with his family, he stayed in Jerusalem, in the Temple, causing great distress to Mary and Joseph who were unable to find him. For this little "escapade", Jesus probably had to beg forgiveness of his parents. The Gospel doesn't say this, but I believe that we can presume it.

"Now, about your Guardian articles, Father Fraser..."

Clearly Pope Francis has forgiven Our Lord for "going about His Father's business", and in this Year of Mercy it is only right that a truly humble Pope should point out God's sins and try to forgive them. No previous Pope has even dared to try.

Another famous sin that only Pope Francis can forgive was the drowning of the Gerasene (or Gadarene) Swine. You will recall that there was a man possessed by demons - probably he led a fulfilling lifestyle as an alternative comedian on Radio 4, with a huge Twitter following - and his demons were driven out into the pigs, and thence into the sea.

Jesus cureth the alternative comedian.

For a long time after, Farmer Giles wondered what had happened to his pigs, but did he receive any apology - let alone compensation - from Jesus? I think not. It is time for Pope Francis, on behalf of the entire Catholic Church, to forgive Jesus's thoughtless actions.

On another occasion Jesus drove people out of the Temple with a whip of knotted cords - whenever anyone says "What would Jesus do?" this is certainly an answer I like to give. The Bible says the people were selling pigeons and changing money, but it is likely that they were also doing even more heinous things.

"Luckily he hasn't seen that we're also selling copies of the Tablet!"

Jesus was obliged to apologise for losing his temper in this way. In the immortal words of Pope Francis: The Gospel doesn't say this, but I believe that we can presume it.

Having, in his short reign, attacked the entire Catholic Church, from the Curia downwards, Pope Francis is naturally anxious to reconstruct God in his own image, and we look forward to reading more stories of the Holy Father mercifully forgiving God's sins over the next few months.

A good thrashing for Giles Fraser

The story began when Giles Fraser, the ultra-liberal Anglican priest, journalist and radio personality, wrote a particularly nasty piece denying the reality of the Virgin Birth. According to Father Giles, who clearly doesn't have much time for Bible-reading, Jesus was the product of fornication - or possibly rape; which makes it rather hard to see how He would be the Son of God.

A hatchet job on the Mystery of the Incarnation? No problem!

Now Pope Francis has said that if anyone were to insult his mother, then they would deserve a punch, and clearly the same must apply to anyone who insulted the Mother of God. However, the Holy Father tends to be quite busy at Christmas, and so dashing over to London to give a heretic a "poke in the snoot" may not be one of his priorities. So it was up to Eccles to stand up for Jesus.

A few possibilities occurred to me:

De-bag Giles and throw him in the river. Unfortunately the Thames is rather deep, and I don't know how well he can swim. It would also lead to strange news items about beached whales.

Horsewhip him on the steps of his club, the "Champagne Socialists". It might be hard to catch him there, and anyway I don't suppose he'd stay around long enough.

Catch him in his church, St Mary's, Newington, and hit him with a cricket bat. Now we're talking. As it happens I have a nice bat that I bought from the recently unsuccessful cricketer Ian Bell ("hardly used").

Keeping the bat away from anything that might damage it.

So off I toddled to St Mary's Newington. I had asked my great friend Father Zuhlsdorf, "What is the liturgically correct time in the service to assault a priest?" but he was not sure, since it was going to be an Anglican service. I remained peaceful throughout the Gospel (readings from Giles's old Guardian columns), the sermon (or "Thought for the Day"), and even the shortened Creed, which went as follows:

We believe in God, more-or-less;
And Jesus may even have existed;
And we've got no problems with the Holy Spirit;
And we're all going to Heaven. Amen.

It was just as a hymn was announced (something about the People's Flag being Deepest Red, which was unknown to me), that I noticed a strangely familiar man sitting next to me.

A strangely familiar man

He was clearly in his mid-seventies, but he dressed as a teenager, and had evidently sewn a new message on to his shirt. "Aren't you Richard Dawkins, the famous zoologist, theologian, bus-driver and poet?" I asked. "What are you doing in church?"

"I was so impressed by Giles Fraser's Guardian article that I have decided to sign up to Anglicanism," replied the learned professor. "I have finally discovered that religion doesn't actually involve believing in anything..."

I was disconcerted. If Father Giles was winning converts, then perhaps I should defer his thrashing to another occasion, or even cancel it. I walked out of his church, and from a nearby Catholic church I heard groans of "MERCY! MERCY!" as the congregation reacted to the Paul Inwood "Year of Mercy" chant (1024 repetitions of the same banal tune). Yes, I should show mercy. Happy Christmas, Giles, even if you don't believe a word of it.

Leading with humility

Thanks to @JoaoMMXIV for drawing my attention to the book "Lead with humility", by Jeffrey A. Krames, which is subtitled 12 Leadership Lessons from Pope Francis. I haven't actually got the book, but I have a fairly good idea of what it should contain.

Can we have a Year of Humility next time, please?

Well, dear reader - Mr Heep, say - as a humble person you won't have put yourself forward for a leadership role, but don't despair, someone else will "fix it" for you. In the old days it might have been Jimmy Saville, but he's rather gone out of favour recently (and, anyway, is dead), so you may have to settle for getting a specially-constituted Team Heep to promote your case. Have a word with Cardinals Cormac Murphy-O'Connor or Godfried Danneels, and see whether they can help.

If all goes well, you will become the managing director of the Lancaster branch of the Acme Drainage Company (motto: Protect the Pipe), and be the proud possessor of a "Cormac fixed it for me" badge.

Now, how does a truly humble leader behave? Well, start by making your office look more humble. Throw out all the comfy chairs in which visitors used to sit, keeping just one for yourself. That aspidistra plant had better go, too: a humble leader should settle for a wilting dandelion. Make it known that you have given your bed at home to the poor, and that from now on you will sleep in the dog's basket. For food, avoid Dolan's All-you-can-eat Restaurant: a humble plate of Fish and Chips (in Italian, "Fisichella") will be much better for you.

Available to any poor person who wishes to collect it.

So far we haven't addressed the questions of leadership, which, in your case, means getting your own way without seeming to do so. There are various ways to achieve this: one is to come out with a blizzard of insults, confusing and contradictory statements, and plans which you know can never be implemented. When you do so, remind people that your words are being uttered in a spirit of humility and mercy. You could even install a "window of mercy" in your office, so that when you get annoyed with staff and defenestrate them, they can realise that it is being done very humbly.

Dilbert's boss embraces the Spirit of Pope Francis.

Another humble way to lead your company is to announce changes to company policy in a less direct way. For example, every time you take an aeroplane trip, you could stand up and make a speech outlining a batch of controversial changes (e.g. from now on, all staff must turn off the central heating in their offices, to prevent climate change) - check with the cabin crew before doing this.

Or you could float new company policy in interviews with 100-year-old deaf-mute journalists who don't speak your language too well; or you could get a trusted member of staff (the technical name is a gasper, one who emits hot air) to float the silliest ideas that he can imagine. Having totally confused and terrified your employees, you may then return to the office and humbly do whatever it was you planned to do all along.

When King Küng attacks, only a humble person can respond.

Finally, a good catchphrase you might adopt is "Who am I to judge?" The answer being, that you are the boss, and you will judge whenever you feel like it... humbly, of course. That's what leaders do.

In praise of Jesuits

Occasionally you will come across people with "religious" initials after their names, most of which indicate that the bearer is a saintly and wise person leading a life devoted to God: I'm thinking here of OP, OSB, OFM Cap (which is not actually a sort of hat), and similar. But then you come to an odd one, SJ, which to most people conveys about as much saintliness as an OBE. These are the Jesuits.

"Twisted, moi?" A Jesuit in normal (relaxed) mode.

Originally, the Jesuit order was founded by St Ignatius of Loyola, with the general purpose of following the teachings of Jesus Christ. There have been many Jesuit saints, such as Edmund Campion, Francis Xavier... here's a list if you want evidence that some Jesuits are saved. The last one died in 1929.

But somewhere (in fact as early as 1613), "Jesuit" acquired the meaning of deceitful, devious, dodgy, and dissembling. All excellent qualities in a lawyer, but not so good for a holy man. So it's time for us to rehabilitate the Jesuits.

"Nobody expects the Jesuit Inquisition! Our main weapons are fear, surprise and mercy. But only a year of mercy - after that we can go back to our old ways again."

Of course Pope Francis is also a Jesuit, but he confines his Jesuitism to confusing the faithful, so let's move on.

Now Jesuits are very fond of discernment, so many readers will ask, "How do I practise discernment? Is it a martial art, or what?" Well, it's not easy. You need to run a hot bath, preferably with bubbles and a rubber duck. Sit in the bath with a large quantity of reading matter (the books of Cardinal Kasper, some Tablet articles...) until you are thoroughly imbued with the Spirit of Synod '15 (genuflects). Then you will be able to make up know the answers to the fundamental questions of religious belief!

Essential equipment for the ancient art of discernment.

A refinement of this is "Ignatian Discernment". When I first heard of this I thought it was "Ignition Discernment", where you make inflammatory comments in order to annoy people. But no, it simply means that your discernment is a little better than anyone else's, as you have been to "Discernment Classes" and you own your own rubber duck.

Jesuits are also good at spinning.

Another of my favourite Jesuits is Fr Thomas Reese SJ, who writes for that learned theological journal, the National Catholic Reporter. He's another of the ones who felt that Christ had somehow got the wrong ideas about divorce and remarriage. By and large, the Synod gave Christ's teaching a 2/3 vote of confidence, which is good, but this did not downcast Fr Reese. By spinning hard, he managed to persuade some people that the conservatives had lost, that the German Protestants had won, and that the Spirit of Synod '15 (genuflects) would lead the Catholic Church to new and greater depths.

As I said: fear, surprise and mercy.

So, all praise to Jesuits, and a big "Boo!" to all those who says they should not be admitted to Communion along with "normal" Catholics!