This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Saturday, 26 September 2020

Becciu gets the sack

The phone rang. "Headmaster wants to see you, Eminence," said Gonzalo Aemilius, the Pope's personal secretary. "Better stick some books down the back of your cassock, you're in for a caning."

Cardinal Giovanni Becciu, Prefect of the Congregation for the Causes of Saints, cautiously entered the Pope's study, known colloquially as the Awful Office. Was the Headmaster going to tick him off for recommending Ruth Bader Ginsburg for canonization on the advice of James Martin, Massimo Faggioli, and several others who had the Pope's ear? Or was it something else?

Pope and Becciu

"No, Cardinal, I really can't accept your cheque while people are watching."

"I have here a letter from the Count of Monte Ballarat," said the Pope. "In fact it's really Cardinal Pell, the man imprisoned in the Château Wallaby for fifteen years on trumped-up charges. He has now escaped and is starting to take revenge on the people who betrayed him. I'll Becciu weren't expecting that! (Joke!)"

"But why does he use the alias 'Count of Monte Ballarat'?" asked Becciu.

"He knows very well that my secretary has orders to tear up all letters from cardinals on sight. We don't want any more Dubia slipping through! Now, Pell was looking into the finances of the Vatican before he was sent away, and has laid some very severe charges against you."

Cardinal Pell laughing

Cardinal Pell is deeply grieved by the downfall of Becciu.

"Does he know about my private company Vatican Embezzlement Inc.?"

"More than that. He has been following the money, and knows that it is wholly owned by Becciu Slushfunds, which in turn is a shadow company that sends money to Becciu Investments, and this in turn funnels its profits into Becciu Laundries and Dry Cleaning. It seems that all you launder is money..."

"It's just accounting, Holy Headmaster, you wouldn't understand it."


Suspicious going-on in the Vatican laundry.

"I'll have to do something about this you know. Apparently all the newspapers have been carrying the story for over a year, except the ones I read: La Civiltà Cattolica, The National Catholic Reporter, America, the Tablet and the Beano. You're FIRED!"

"You mean...?"

"Hand over your red hat and your key to the Cardinals' washroom. Cardinal Cocainepusher wants me to tell you that you're not invited to any more Saturday night parties. Gammarelli's will no longer be giving you a staff discount."

"Can I keep my email business, sending messages to gullible people offering them a million euros if they let me use their bank account?"

"Yes, no problem, Giovanni. And don't worry - I'm going to commission a full report on the whole affair, but it's in a queue after the McCarrick report, so you're all right for ten years or so."


"Just one thing though... the Count of Monte Ballarat says that there are more people he wants to expose, including FATHER BIG, himself. Do you think he knows about that money we've been getting from Soros and Xi Jinping?"


  1. Did you mean Xi Jinping?

    Any way, maybe we'll be able to canonize the Vens. Thomas a Kempis, Fulton Sheen, and Eugenio Maria Pacelli now that this stooge is gone.

    1. And why not Xi Jinping? Papa has done him some big favours latterly.
      Please may I still be mus romanus - now writing in from somewhat nearer Rome

  2. Eccles, I am delighted to present you with "The Happy Pellface Award 2020". The prize is awarded for portraying a normal photo portrait of this dedicated Christian servant, rather than a picture of him looking downtrodden or crestallen, reinforcing the standard media judgment. If the labours of his anti-corruption work in Rome are now bearing fruit, the machinations that led to his unspeakable Antipodean ordeal have failed. This good priest can be sure that many Catholics will give thanks, not only for his vocation in high office but also for his years of dedicated pastoral care.

    1. And pray for this good Cardinal's safety as he goes to the Infernal City.

  3. All good comments so far and yes, may the saintly Pius XII's cause move forward and also how about Pope Leo XIII. And in the future there are a few others that need to be shelved...anyway, this was one great post and made me laugh. May some of these other undesirable ones begin to fall like dominoes, even Mr. Big.

  4. I'm sure the Beano has been covering all this. Perhaps the language was a bit too high- falutin'.

  5. Cardinal Pell has been belatedly vindicated. Let us hope and pray that there is more to come. Thank you for this, Eccles!