This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Saturday, 7 December 2024

How to resign as head of your church

Mostly on this blog we content ourselves with giving advice on "How to be a good pope" - and you can see the results! However, the Catholic Church can learn something from the Anglicans (apart from useful advice on how to take over other people's church property, how to mess around with the Bible, and how to ordain lesbians). So let's see what we can learn from the dignified resignation of Justin Welby, sometimes called the Archbishop of Canterbury.

Pope, archbishop, etc.

"I confess that one of us has sinned. Not me, of course."

It could not happen in the Catholic Church, but suppose you, as head of your church/ ecclesial community/ cult/ coven were revealed to have have protected people guilty of sex crimes. One day the outcry will be too great, and you won't have popesplainers imamsplainers primatesplainers to protect you. So you stand up and make a speech.

Here are some useful tips on how to do this. They can also be useful if you go into the confessional.

* Tell weak jokes. This is always a good move. "I say, I say, I say, Father. I've just killed my parents. Go gently with me, as I am an orphan."

Welby tells a joke

Pause for laughter. Not a sausage. Oh well, carry on.

* Don't take any blame. "I regret, Father, than some grievous sins have been committed by members of the church to which I belong." Don't add "It was me, in fact."

* Another tasteless joke. "They say that heads must roll. Let me tell you a joke about the archbishop whose head was used as a football. You'll laugh, I know you will!"

* Finally, make yourself out to be a martyr. "It was inevitable that someone should suffer for these sins, and it had to be me. Now all I have left is a fat pension and a book deal for my memoirs."

Sarah Mullally shocked

The bishopess of London cannot stop giggling.

2 comments:

  1. This was so bizarre and tone-deaf that I find myself wondering whether he was planning to use the severed head story somehow in his eventual passage-of-time retirement speech (it would be typical of him to have already started drafting a tribute to his own wonderfulness) and simply thought it was far too good to waste.

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  2. Dear your éminence grise, Eccles.

    Now that “Just In Time Welby” has legged it, whilst entertaining The House of Lords with his “Let me explain, Officer” tirade, would that now open the door for “Just In Time” to throw his hat/Mitre into the ring for the upcoming “Who Wants To Be A Pope” thingy ?

    What a headline-grabber: “Potentially, the first English Pope since Adrian IV says he's now free to accept a new commission”.

    You only need Putin and Bashar al-Assad to throw their hats into the ring, as well, and the next Synod on Synodality thingy would be set up for a damn good discussion.

    What a hoot !!!

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