How to resign as head of your church

Mostly on this blog we content ourselves with giving advice on "How to be a good pope" - and you can see the results! However, the Catholic Church can learn something from the Anglicans (apart from useful advice on how to take over other people's church property, how to mess around with the Bible, and how to ordain lesbians). So let's see what we can learn from the dignified resignation of Justin Welby, sometimes called the Archbishop of Canterbury.

"I confess that one of us has sinned. Not me, of course."

It could not happen in the Catholic Church, but suppose you, as head of your church/ ecclesial community/ cult/ coven were revealed to have have protected people guilty of sex crimes. One day the outcry will be too great, and you won't have popesplainers imamsplainers primatesplainers to protect you. So you stand up and make a speech.

Here are some useful tips on how to do this. They can also be useful if you go into the confessional.

* Tell weak jokes. This is always a good move. "I say, I say, I say, Father. I've just killed my parents. Go gently with me, as I am an orphan."

Pause for laughter. Not a sausage. Oh well, carry on.

* Don't take any blame. "I regret, Father, than some grievous sins have been committed by members of the church to which I belong." Don't add "It was me, in fact."

* Another tasteless joke. "They say that heads must roll. Let me tell you a joke about the archbishop whose head was used as a football. You'll laugh, I know you will!"

* Finally, make yourself out to be a martyr. "It was inevitable that someone should suffer for these sins, and it had to be me. Now all I have left is a fat pension and a book deal for my memoirs."

The bishopess of London cannot stop giggling.

Austen Ivereigh not expected to resign

One of the closest confidants of Austen Ivereigh, the celebrated Catholic journalist, has denied rumours that the great man is about to resign from his various prestigious positions (Fellow of Campion Hall, scribbler for various publications, best-selling author - The Pope Francis Cookbook and Keeping Fit with Pope Francis are this Christmas blockbusters), and devote himself to Catholicism instead.

"'Pope Francis is very very very very wonderful.' You do have a way with words, Austen."

Pope Francis, who has long been Austen's biggest - indeed, only - fan, has emphatically denied saying that his friend would chuck it all in at the end of 2020, having fulfilled his life's work. "Little Austen has a lot more to offer the world," explained the Holy Father. "Not just a few more books about me - Self-defence the Pope Francis Way will be out soon - but also his forthcoming treatise on Pachamama for Catholics."

So, it seems that there will be no imminent conclave to appoint a new Pope's Minder: this is perhaps fortunate given the difficulty of travelling to Rome at the present time, although various potential sycophants such as Fr James Martin SJ and Massimo Faggioli will be sorry not to have their chances to become the Pope's new Very Best Friend.