New faces at the Congregation for Divine Worship

Having sacked Cardinals Burke, Scola, Pell, Ouellet, Ranjith etc. from the Congregation for Divine Worship, Pope Francis has brought in some exciting new names, including a batch of Lay Cardinals, who truly reflect the progressive style of liturgy that the Holy Father wishes to see. It is said that Cardinal Sarah, who remains at the head of the CDW is "less than delighted", which is Vatican-speak for "is the pope out of his mind?"

Bosco the Clown.

Cardinal Bosco is not actually a Catholic - indeed he was brought up on the writings of Jack Chick - but hey, these days we need to be more ecumenical with the truth! This new appointment will certainly stress the important role that "clown masses" play in contemporary worship. As Latin is phased out and circus slang replaces it as the Church's official language, we expect Cardinal Bosco to be in the lead when it comes to dumbing down.

Cardinal Sir Paul Inwood.

Composer of the official Year of Mercy hymn In aeternum misericordia eius ch-ch, and its official arrangement for guitar, kazoo, Balinese nose-flute and a thousand press-ganged choristers, Cardinal Inwood is working on projects that are expected to startle the Catholic world. Out goes Gregorian Chant, and in come minimalist Taizé-style pastiches! When the current Year of Mercy ends and we move on to a Year of Chaos, Uncle Paul will be in the vanguard.

Piero Marini doing the old custard-pie trick on Pope Benedict.

A disciple of Annibale Bugsbunni, the Freemason who brought so many new ideas into Catholic liturgy, Piero Marini is popularly supposed to have been appointed in mistake for Guido Marini, who is a thoroughly sensible person. His nomination has been universally greeted with cries of "Surely you're joking, Holy Father?"

Cardinal Pinocchio, master of ceremonies for puppet masses.

All right, Eccles, that's enough of that.

Savin de sole of Peter

Bosco is indeed loved by de Lord. You will recall dat he won a stattue in a compettition, but in de end it got sent back, and he was waitin for a repplacement prize.

Today de new prize arrived. It aint a whole stattue, just de foot of one. It was too big for de house, so we stuck it in de gardden.

Dere was a labbel attached to it, "St Peter". Dis is one of dem Cathlic saints dat we in de Calumny Chappel aint too happy about, but Bosco finks we might be able to save him if we makes an effort and prays for his sole. So we is gonna kiss de foot every day as part of our devottions. We knows it annoys de Pop, so dat's a bonnus.

Our daley warship also includs bowin down to de Calumny Chappel Dove, prayin for Anti Moly to recover her sensses - Fridday is her reggular meltdown day and we aint gonna git much sleep tonihgt - and shoutin "YOU AINT SAVED" at de kids goin to de muvvers-and-toddlers gruop, sure dey bursts into tears but de Moms knows we is doin it in de Lord's name.

Bosco aint doin to well wiv his thoelogical ressearch right now. What he usually does is type somethin into Goggle e.g. "Cathlics is all pigs" or "Cathlics is all rappists" and cut and paste de ressults into Damain Thopmson's blogg. Sometimes he misstypes, and so readers is rather nonnplused to get an article on Cathodes - Bosco used dat to explane dat, when dere aint nuffin good on de tellevision, de Pop likes tyin ellectrodes to poeple and den switchin on de current - and anuvver one on Catterick - which is an army campp, and Bosco used dat to prove dat the Pop likes shootin poeple wot owns Bibbles.

Still nobody reads Bosco's posts in detale, so a few little errors aint gonna be notticed.

My bruvver still aint mannaged to get a proper hallo and wings to wear in de street to show to poeple dat he is saved. Dis is what he is gonna wear to a job interveiw wiv de local unddertakers (more detales next time, perrhaps).

De two hallos you is carryin is good Bosco, but saved poeple doesnt normally wear a lake of fire on de head, and I fink you has been sent rings not wings, did you misstype de order? Bosco's typin aint all that good, which is odd as I aint nevver had any probblems.

Well, we gotta do an advert, so here goes.

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FOR DE CATHLIC WOT LIKES SOCKPOPPETS

GIT YOUSSELF A BOSCO IDDLE

WHY NOT GIVVIM A BIG KISS?