Fifty Shades of Purple

This week shows the release of (some would say) an erotic film based on the lives of bishops. With explicit scenes of dominance and discipline, Fifty Shades of Purple is already being condemned by many faithful Christians.

A typical bishop, with his instrument of correction.

As one deacon remarked: "My bishop is very keen on discipline. First he gagged me, and then he tied my hands, so I was unable to go about my usual business of protecting the pope. I was forced to submit to his wishes. I think he sees it as a form of correction."

Another bishop, with his glamorous sidekick.

We invited the author of Fifty Shades, E.L. James, onto this blog to tell us more about the story, and to explain why her main character was called "Christian", but she told us "Sorry, I'm a bit tied up right now."

As the picture below shows, some bishops are unhappy about their exploits being revealed in this way.

"We're all DOOOOOMED!" says Bishop Frazer of Walmington-on-Sea.

Still, there is no doubt that some bishops lead far more exciting lives than the rest of us: who can sit through a "Bishop's Letter" without wondering whether they rather enjoy inflicting pain on people? Our last picture shows another scene from the film: it is so disgusting that many faithful Christians are calling for the whole work to be banned.

A shocking scene of bishops engaged in unnatural practices.

Fr Finigan goes to Margate

The parish of Blogfen is today in deep mourning at the news that its priest, Fr Tim Finigan of the excellent Hermeneutic of Continuity blog is moving to Margate.

Fr Tim Finigan and Fr Sean Finnegan, priest-bloggers par excellence.

The most obvious theory to explain this move is that traditionalist priest-bloggers are like Martello towers, and need to be placed at strategic points round the coast to repel invaders: thus we have Fr Blake in Brighton, Fr Finnegan in Shoreham, and several other reliable people in similar places, such as Fr Marcus Holden in Ramsgate.

The Anglicans considered a similar strategy at Walmington-on-Sea.

Indeed, moving inland we do not seem to find a similar concentration of high-profile traditionally-minded priests - although one well-known blogging deacon has apparently been sent to Coventry by his bishop - so there we are. Q.E.D., as the Latin liturgy has it.

Look inside a Martello tower and you may find a priest.

What's Margate like?

Neither the Bible nor Shakespeare mention Margate, but it does feature in T.S. Eliot's The Waste Land in the section called The Fire Sermon:

On Margate Sands.  
I can connect  
Nothing with nothing.  
The broken finger-nails of dirty hands.  
My people humble people who expect  
Nothing.

The Margate shelter where Eliot wrote The Waste Land (yes, really).

Buddha's original Fire Sermon was not preached at Margate, and it is said that he complained for many years that he had missed an opportunity of sampling the best of British fish and chips, not to mention cockles, mussels and whelks. Without a healthy diet of seafood how can you found a good religion? We know all about Galilee...

Anyway, it just remains to wish well to Fr Finigan, and of course to Blogfen too. Meanwhile, there are always day trips for those suffering from a hermeneutical deficiency...

Special trains on Sunday mornings?

The Beaky folk of Creepy Crawley

Misposted by Archdruid Eileen after an overdose of Pimm's.

Liturgy for use at a memorial service for Bill Pertwee of Dad's Army.

Archdruid: We are gathered together to remember William (Bill) Pertwee, who so movingly played Warden Hodges in Dad's Army. May perpetual light shine upon him and...

Omnes: Put that light out!

The late William Pertwee.

Archdruid: Ruddy hooligans!

Omnes: Now look 'ere, Napoleon...

Verger (sotto voce): Her reverence isn't going to like this...

Archdruid: All right, let's have a little Gregorian chant to calm ourselves down here.

Anthem: Quem te decipere putas, O Hitlere?*

*Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler?

Religious news

I'm a heretic...

A new series of the television series I'm a heretic, get me out of here! is just starting. It will be hosted as usual by those lovable churchmen Cantoris and Decani (Cant and Dec), and the line-up this year includes the great Hans Küng and Professor Tina Beattie.

Sister Nadine of the Nuns of St Omnibus.

Cant and Dec explained to us that the contestants would undertake various challenging tasks, which would include swallowing disgusting things - such as Tina Beattie's religious writings - and carving a termite mound into the likeness of a famous theologian.

A termite mound carved into a statue of Hans Küng.

We asked whether the contestants would get Sundays off in order to attend Mass, and Cant and Dec merely responded with hysterical laughter. Now why should that be?

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Father Dunn dies.

Fr Dunn, with companion.

The death is announced of Father "Grandad" Dunn, at the age of 92. Fr Dunn was a member of the religious organization Exercitus Patri, which flourished in the 1970s. He is fondly remember for his sermons on the subjects, Panic ye not, panic ye not, my people, O Lord, grant me permission to speak, and The ungodly one liketh not a smiting from below. RIP.

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Oil tycoon to run Church of England?

Meanwhile, speculation is mounting that the Bishop of Durham, Justin Welby, a former oil tycoon, will be appointed as the next Archbishop of Canterbury.

Justin Welby - on the side of the angels.

Welby is the author of many well-regarded theological books, such as Holy Unction - why don't we use more oil? and Natural gas and gaiters. However, his enemies describe him as "a boring man."

The See of Canterbury (if he gets it) will give Welby a new platform for his views.