Everyone who disagrees with me is cancer!

A special guest post from Bishop Robert McElroy of San Diego, reprinted by kind permission of America magazine, the Jesuits' own journal of spiritual nourishment.

Bishop McElroy receives a certificate listing his merits.

There has been a lot of criticism of my friend Fr "E.L." James (Martin), on account of his new sex book, "Fifty shades of gay". Why, even Cardinals Sarah and Napier have spoken out against him. Still, the less said about that the better, let's consider the ordinary Catholic in the pew. THEY ARE CANCER. Yes, they are. Well, to be fair, some are blackwater fever, others are bubonic plague, and the mildest of them are probably just a runny nose. But YES, they are SICK.

And don't give me any of that "Sober up you loony old coot" stuff. Pope Francis called for diatribe, and that's what you're getting. Diatribe, dialogue, diarrhoea, we gottem all.

As Fr James says, "The Holy Spirit helped to sell my book!"

God the Father inspired the Old Testament, and God the Son inspired the New Testament. Now God the Holy Spirit (or Pope Francis as he prefers to be known) has given us a third testament - Amoris Laetitia. He has even installed a new Pontifical Institute for Adultery to guide us through this new Catholicism.

Since writing his book about gay sex on bridges, Fr James has been scorned, vilified, mocked, laughed at, and - I regret to say - told in no uncertain terms that he is a screaming heretic. But his books sell, and that's what really matters. Remember that Jesus Christ was very keen on LGBT issues, and all claims that He ever regarded chastity as a virtue are simply BIGOTRY. And those who make them are SMALLPOX.

We congratulate Fr James and his partner on their new son (although he is a little undersized).

Can't you spice this up a little, Bishop? Antonio Spadaro says this piece is weak and understated. Ed.

Fifty Shades of Purple

This week shows the release of (some would say) an erotic film based on the lives of bishops. With explicit scenes of dominance and discipline, Fifty Shades of Purple is already being condemned by many faithful Christians.

A typical bishop, with his instrument of correction.

As one deacon remarked: "My bishop is very keen on discipline. First he gagged me, and then he tied my hands, so I was unable to go about my usual business of protecting the pope. I was forced to submit to his wishes. I think he sees it as a form of correction."

Another bishop, with his glamorous sidekick.

We invited the author of Fifty Shades, E.L. James, onto this blog to tell us more about the story, and to explain why her main character was called "Christian", but she told us "Sorry, I'm a bit tied up right now."

As the picture below shows, some bishops are unhappy about their exploits being revealed in this way.

"We're all DOOOOOMED!" says Bishop Frazer of Walmington-on-Sea.

Still, there is no doubt that some bishops lead far more exciting lives than the rest of us: who can sit through a "Bishop's Letter" without wondering whether they rather enjoy inflicting pain on people? Our last picture shows another scene from the film: it is so disgusting that many faithful Christians are calling for the whole work to be banned.

A shocking scene of bishops engaged in unnatural practices.