England needs a new patron saint.

Dear St George,

Bad news, I'm afraid. In the World Cup of Patron Saints of England you were knocked out in Round 2 (losing to Edward the Confessor and Edmund Campion). Apparently, in the modern world of patron sainting, there is no call for dragon-slaying. However, your martyrdom is much appreciated.

Yours sincerely,
Eccles (saved).

"We were really looking for a multiracial transgender saint."

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Anyway, the draw for the quarter-finals (held by Twitter poll) is as follows. The results will be posted here as we get them.

1. John Henry Newman 61.8% v Cuthbert 38.2%.

The old man with the ducks loses out to the young tearaway from Oxford.

2. Bede 38% v Thomas More 62%.

Being venerable was not as popular as being a man for all seasons.

3. Thomas Becket 60.5% v Edmund Campion 39.5%.

The turbulent priest defeats a later martyr.

4. John Fisher 51% v Edward the Confessor 49%.

Only 3 votes in this close contest, but the fisher wins the Fisher-King game.

Farewell also to Margaret Clitherow, the last female saint to drop out.

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SEMI-FINALS.

1. John Henry Newman 36.7% v Thomas Becket 63.3%.

The last non-martyr drops out, although still led by a kindly light.

2. Thomas More 68.7% v John Fisher 31.3%.

The man for all seasons makes it an all-Thomas final.

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THIRD PLACE PLAYOFF.

John Henry Newman 41.1% v John Fisher 58.9%.

FISHER takes the bronze!

FINAL.

Thomas Becket 36.2% v Thomas More 63.8%.

BECKET gets the silver medal, and MORE the gold!

World Cup of Patron Saints of England

A bit of a new venture here - usually we go for Bad Hymns, Bad Cardinals, Ugly Churches, Instruments from Hell, etc. (and some of these contests will be due for a repeat soon, as they were last held in 2018). But here we're going for something GOOD.

I have 32 candidates to be patron saint of England. All are English except George, Augustine of Canterbury, and Joseph of Arimathea. Will George hold onto his title, or will someone else be more popular? The Twitter poll begins tomorrow.

Very few of our entrants have slain dragons.

Meanwhile a plug for an old piece I wrote about St George.

Our candidates (did I forget anyone obvious?) are:

Aelfflaed of Whitby
Aethelbert of Kent
Aidan
Alban
Aldeberge of Kent
Augustine
Bede
Boniface
Chad
Cuthbert
Dunstan
Edmund
Edmund Campion
Edward, king and martyr
Edward the Confessor
Etheldreda
George
Gilbert of Sempringham
Hilda
Hugh of Lincoln
John Fisher
John Henry Newman
Joseph of Arimathea
Margaret Clitherow
Nicholas Owen
Odo of Canterbury
Patrick
Swithin
Thomas Becket
Thomas More
Wilfrid of York
Wulfstan

"A dragon outside, you say? On my way..."

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N.B. It seems that the hashtag #WCPSE has also been used by the Western Canada Paranormal & Spiritual Expo, but I am sure they won't mind. They probably saw it coming anyway.

Eccles-iastical rumours

Great excitement has been generated by rumours that the Pope told a divorced and remarried woman, Jacquelina Sabetta, that she was now allowed to take Communion. "Who am I to fudge?" he is said to have asked her. Without knowing whether or not this rumour is true, we should point out that many previous rumours about the Pope have been shown to be false, and caused by mistranslation, misreporting, misunderstanding or simply mischief. Here are some of the silliest.

POPE TO MARRY A MUSLIM WOMAN.

Centuries of tradition, whereby the Pope, and indeed all priests, are forbidden to marry were supposed to have been upset recently when the Pope was seen talking to an attractive Muslim lady. Said the Queen of Jordan (for it was she), "Don't be silly, Damian (who he?), we are just good friends."

FRANCIS WASHES SHEEP'S FEET ON MAUNDY THURSDAY.

The Maundy Thursday ritual of washing feet was challenged this year when it was claimed that the Pope had extended it to animals. Said a spokesman, "It is true that the Holy Father might wash the feet of a primate, but only if it were Justin Welby."

HOLY FATHER ADMITS THAT HE HAS A SON.

Despite the strong physical resemblance, it has been explained that these two popes are not related.

The rumour machine continues to grind on, with forecasts that Fr Alban McCoy would become the next bishop of Leeds (which has been sede vacante since Arthur Roche was packed off to Rome). Ten days have elapsed, and the good man still hasn't received the expected letter, so we must conclude that this bit of gossip was off the mark.

Dammit, Damian, I'm a doctor, not a bishop!

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We were going to blog about St George's Day as we did last year, but apparently it has been moved, owing to a clash with Easter. Curiously, one Very Famous Person Indeed found it was possible to celebrate Easter and St George at the same time.

They always said God was an Englishman.

St George

April 23rd is St George's day, so if your real name happens to be Jorge Mario Bergoglio, or if you are English, Greek, Catalan, Bulgarian (and a whole lot more), or live in Preston (yes, really), Genoa, Rio (and a whole lot more), then you will be dancing in the streets today!

Of course, if you are a dragon, you will not be celebrating.

Some people who will not be celebrating quite so enthusiastically are the good folk of Bury St Edmunds. Until the middle ages, Edmund was the patron saint of England (he blogged under the name On the side of the Angles), and like George he was a martyr. Still, there is nothing to stop you wearing a sugar-beet in your button-hole on November 20th if you do wish to honour this great Suffolkman.

The Vikings win this round.

Georgia, Egypt, Romania, ... but not Ireland, of course, where St Patrick is celebrated. He's known for driving all the snakes out of Ireland, which seems to be slightly easier than driving all the dragons out of England - unless there weren't very many in the first place. But we must not forget Preston.

St George's church, Preston. Note the absence of dragons.

Ethiopia, Portugal, Iraq (???) ... Anyway, the villain of our story is the Emperor Diocletian, who for some reason didn't like Christians. "Nasty, vile, bigots!" he called them. Nothing changes much, does it? So on April 23rd 303 he tortured St George a little, just to make things more interesting, and then decapitated him. Probably a simple death from Viking arrows would have been more enjoyable.

St George, as seen by the Vatican.

Well, let's see the St George's flag, in its most usual manifestation - at least in England. Whenever the England football (soccer) team is in distress, which is every two years or so, the whole nation prays to St George - which is tough luck if the opponents are India, Ukraine, Serbia, ...

St George, pray for us all.

De relicks of Anti Moly

I aint blogged about my Anti Moly recently, but reggular readers will know dat she was put in a care home after she bit de postman in de leg (a misunderstandin cuased by drinkin too much hair restorrer). It's OK we now has a new postman, and so dey said dat it was time to release Anti Moly.

A team of postmen preparing to deliver a letter to Anti Moly

Anti Moly's time in de care home was a little trubbled, but we aint gonna mentoin that.

Anti Moly's care home after anuvver misunderstandin

De team at Castle Thopmson was very pleased to welcome Anti Moly back, and Will Heaven de Butler invited her to try a new cocktail he had invented, consistin of gin, Delingpol anti-freeze, fresh ferret-blood, and a slice of lemon.

Damain himself is also back home, but dey keeps him in a dark room, only lettin him out once a week to write bloggs about addictoin. We hears loud groans from his room, "Cristina, dey all hates me, you is my only friend," as Muvver Odone de cook brings him his pizza.

"Well, you may be right, Damain," replies Muvver Odone, who aint one to tell lies.

Now we aint yet got to de subject of de blogg, but de story is dat Anti Moly frew her false teef out of de window at a passing Cathlic preist. He had come to interview Damain for De Tabloid, a well-known Cathlic comic full of silly hearsays pretendin to be Cathlic doctrin.

Alas, I aint got a photo of Anti Moly's false teef, but here is an artist's impressoin.

Anti Moly's false teef (artist's impressoin)

We was horrified to see dat de preist, when he recovered consciuosness, cried out "Dis is a gift from de Lord," and took the teef away wiv him. Apparently dem Cathlics like veneratin relics, and de sacred teef of Anti Moly is even now bein taken round de country, so dat poeple can pray to dem.

Apparently, de teef is so used to sayin "Woeful," "Sockpoppet," and "Such is life eh" dat dey can now say dese spiritaul phrases even when dey aint in de mouf of my belloved Anti. Dis may be described as a miracule, and maybe my Anti will be saved after all.

Anti Moly is drownin her sorrows in de usual way, and stayin up late to insult poeple on Damain's latest blogg (which, surprisingly, is about addictoin again). We has ordered some new false teef from de Pottymouth Crocodile Centre, where she got de last ones, and dey will soon arrive in de post, if any postman is brave enuogh to delliver em.

Relliquarry containin Anti Moly's false teef, decorated wiv St George and de Dragon