The last 8 royal saints

The results of the final rounds of the World Cup of Royal Saints will be posted here as we have them.

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Quarter-finals, starting on July 11th.

Elizabeth of Hungary 61.1 v Charlemagne 38.9

A surprisingly easy win for the Hungarian nurse, putting to flight the mighty emperor.

St Margaret of Scotland 48.3 v Stephen I of Hungary 51.7

Well, the Hungarians are walking away with this, but at least this one was very close.

Jadwiga of Poland 64.5 v Charles (Karl) I of Austria 35.5

The Poles managed to drum up a massive support for the lesser-known Jadwiga. Will she go all the way?

Louis IX of France 52.3 v Edward the Confessor 47.7

Another close round, and the plucky English boy goes out.

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Semi-finals, starting on July 19th.

Elizabeth of Hungary 51.7 v Louis IX of France 48.3

By a very narrow margin the Hungarian girl casts down French hopes of a victory for "les bleus".

Stephen I of Hungary 35.6 v Jadwiga of Poland 64.4

The Poles continue to muster their army of supporters, and Stephen is swept away.

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Third place playoff.

Louis IX of France 46.4 v Stephen I of Hungary 53.6

Big Steve takes the BRONZE.

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FINAL

Elizabeth of Hungary 24.3 v Jadwiga of Poland 75.7

The Polish army sweeps the board. GOLD for Jad, and SILVER for Liz.

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Details of the last eight.

Elizabeth of Hungary. C13 princess, saint.

St Margaret of Scotland. C11 queen, saint.

Jadwiga of Poland. C14 monarch, saint.

Louis IX of France. C13 king, saint.

Edward the Confessor. C11 English king, saint.

Charles (Karl) I of Austria. C19/20 emperor, blessed.

Stephen I of Hungary. C10/11 king, saint.

Charlemagne. C8/9 emperor, beatified.

Pope Francis to be canonized

Following vigorous demands from the singer Elton John and the rest of the liberal establishment, is has been agreed that Pope Francis should be canonized with immediate effect.

Pope Francis tries his new halo for size.

Readers will have noticed that canonization times have been sharply cut in recent years, owing to an increased efficiency in approving applications. This is due to the use of computers, the Internet, etc. Whereas Queen Jadwiga of Poland (d. 1399) had to wait just under 600 years for a Polish pope to come along and canonize her, it is now felt that anyone who is not a complete waster should be canonized within 2 or 3 weeks of death. However, this is the first time that anyone has actually been canonized while still alive - even the apostles did not achieve this distinction.

Queen Jadwiga was distinctly fed up with waiting.

Pope Francis is known for his famous words about same-sex marriage, "It is ... a 'move' of the Father of Lies, who seeks to confuse and deceive the children of God." I'm sorry, I'll have another go at that. What he actually said "Who am I to fudge?"

We should remember Christ's words to the clapped-out musician who felt same-sex attraction. "Go ye and find a partner, perhaps one with a perpetual rictus grin, and then persuade some woman to lend ye her body, that ye may have children and pretend that they are the fruit of your marriage."

Next stop - get ye a woman to lend ye her body!

Apart from his enthusiasm for "gay rights", Pope Francis is well recognised to be considerably more saintly than all other popes in history: for example, he refuses to wear red shoes, he washes in cold water, he travels everywhere by bus, he lives humbly in a cupboard under the stairs, and he eats at the canteen. Case proven, m'lud.

The papal apartments.

It is expected that Francis will use the forthcoming All Saints Day as an opportunity to announce a new batch of saints. In doing so, he is likely to say something like the following: "We declare the following to be saints: Cardinal Newman, G.K. Chesterton, Pope Pius XII, Mother Teresa, Fr Ted Crilly, ... oh... and... er... ME!"

Another new saint.