This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Thursday, 30 October 2014

Pope Francis to be canonized

Following vigorous demands from the singer Elton John and the rest of the liberal establishment, is has been agreed that Pope Francis should be canonized with immediate effect.

Pope Francis with halo

Pope Francis tries his new halo for size.

Readers will have noticed that canonization times have been sharply cut in recent years, owing to an increased efficiency in approving applications. This is due to the use of computers, the Internet, etc. Whereas Queen Jadwiga of Poland (d. 1399) had to wait just under 600 years for a Polish pope to come along and canonize her, it is now felt that anyone who is not a complete waster should be canonized within 2 or 3 weeks of death. However, this is the first time that anyone has actually been canonized while still alive - even the apostles did not achieve this distinction.

St Jadwiga

Queen Jadwiga was distinctly fed up with waiting.

Pope Francis is known for his famous words about same-sex marriage, "It is ... a 'move' of the Father of Lies, who seeks to confuse and deceive the children of God." I'm sorry, I'll have another go at that. What he actually said "Who am I to fudge?"

We should remember Christ's words to the clapped-out musician who felt same-sex attraction. "Go ye and find a partner, perhaps one with a perpetual rictus grin, and then persuade some woman to lend ye her body, that ye may have children and pretend that they are the fruit of your marriage."

Elton John and David Furnish

Next stop - get ye a woman to lend ye her body!

Apart from his enthusiasm for "gay rights", Pope Francis is well recognised to be considerably more saintly than all other popes in history: for example, he refuses to wear red shoes, he washes in cold water, he travels everywhere by bus, he lives humbly in a cupboard under the stairs, and he eats at the canteen. Case proven, m'lud.

cupboard under stairs

The papal apartments.

It is expected that Francis will use the forthcoming All Saints Day as an opportunity to announce a new batch of saints. In doing so, he is likely to say something like the following: "We declare the following to be saints: Cardinal Newman, G.K. Chesterton, Pope Pius XII, Mother Teresa, Fr Ted Crilly, ... oh... and... er... ME!"

Fr Ted Crilly

Another new saint.


  1. I am very pleased to hear that Fr Ted Crilly is to be made a saint. After the miracle of the multiplication of rabits, the miracle of the expanding bank account, and the miracle of the Eurovision song "My Lovely Horse", many Catholics were surprised he had not been raised to sainthood earlier.

  2. Don't forget Diana... St. Diana!

  3. To be known hereafter as St. Gorgeous Jorge the Astonishing.

  4. Lives under the stairs, ye say? Eh, he's lucky. I lived i' Yorkshire, tha knows, and we lived in a shoebox in Buenos Airedale. Me dad bet us every neet when he came back from winebar. It were reet rough but we were unhappy. I 'ad an uncle called Frankie who went off one day and we never heard from 'im agin until we got a postcard from Buenos Aires. Me mam said that he could never get on reet bus 'ome. Well, well, it's a small world and no mistake.

  5. Pope Francis is a moral leader and exemplar and ennabler to the wicked.

  6. Roger Moore got there first.

  7. I thought that David Attenborough had already been canonised by the BBC. As for Mr Furnish surely his grin is well off the rictus scale (Ena Sharples =1, Tony Blair = 10)

  8. After the Sonyd St Row was CONanised. Alongside him was Saint Schedule; the collective sanctification of the Saints Go, Marching, & In; St Leo University and Saint Seiya. Thanks to JP II for his gutting of the process in 1983. Benedict XVI's bust was pre-CONanised by Francis in Rome the other day. My sainted aunt is up next.

  9. St Ilton has been made the patron saint of blue cheeses, while St Udent has been become the patron of education.