What will happen when Donald meets Francis?

An in-depth analysis by Austen Ivereigh, the man who has the Pope's ear; with additional material by Massimo Faggioli, the man who has the Pope's false teeth, and Antonio Spadaro, the man who has the Pope's sockpuppets.

As quoted in CNN, the Guardian, CRUX, the Luton Budgie-fancier's Gazette and all other leading news sources.

Austen Ivereigh.

Nobody knows Pope Francis like I do, having written the definitive biography of the great man. I have also looked up Donald Trump on Wikipedia, and apparently he is the President of the United States of America, as well as a ballet dancer of no mean abilities (memo: check this on a more reliable web site). And the question that everyone is asking me, is, Austen, why don't you belt up for once? Austen, what will happen when these two titans meet?

Will Pope Francis go straight for the jugular, attempting to strangle Donald Trump? Will he poison his coffee? Will he drop a sixteen-ton weight on him? All these are things that a pious saintly Catholic such as Francis may feel obliged to do, to maintain the purity of the Vatican.

One possible outcome, but - in my analysis - not the most probable.

Trump of course is another strong personality who doesn't like being messed around. Will he come to the aid of the Sovereign Order of Malta by getting his CIA agents to intern the Pope as a war criminal? Will he activate the Palantir of Melania, causing all the secrets of the Vatican - including the answers to the five dubia - to be revealed once and for all?

Donald Trump activates the Palantir of Melania.

Well, you may think so, but we Catholic experts think otherwise. There will probably be an embarrassed silence, until Francis asks one of his valued aides, such as Cardinal Parolin, "Who is this man with the funny hair?" On being told that it is the American president, Francis will summon his trusted adviser, Fr James Martin LGBTSJ, to advise him. Fr Jim will take one look at Trump and run screaming from the room. Trump will attempt to break the ice by saying "I've always been an admirer of yours, Pope Benedict, your saintliness."

Once both parties have worked out who the other is, they will exchange gifts. Francis will give Donald a copy of Amoris Laetitia, and the President will give the Pope a model of the Statue of Liberty, They will shake hands, and pose for photos, and that will be it. No discussion of political issues, as neither of them can bear to be contradicted.

From the Leader of the Free World to the Leader of the Saved World.

© Austin Powers, 2017

Eccles in New York

I is makin a visit to New York, which is where my bruvver Bosco been hidin recently - de UK aint reely welcomin to poeple wiv his unique tallents. Since my camerra got broken I has had to steel some phottos off de Internet.

I saw dis in de Musuem of Modern Art. It's a man listenin to Paul Inwood's music.

I will try and concentrate on de more spiritaully nuorishin sights dat Bosco and me has seen. New York is of course de place where Cradinal Dollan hangs out, and here is a photto of dis well-nuorished man.

"Joe Biden says he's a pious Cathlic."

Actaully de St Patrick Cathedral is all covered in scaffoldin right now, as de masonry became unsafe when Cradinal Dollan conducted a funeral there and started laughin thunderuosly. But here is a pitcher of what it looks like normally.

St Patrick's Cathedral before de Cradinal luaghed.

I went to de Holy Innocents church, West 37th Street. Bosco aint very good at countin, so we took a hymn book wiv us to help us work out where 37 is rellative to de uvver nubmers. Anyway, at dis church dey had a Tridentin Mass. Lattin Masses is very useful in a city where de local vernacooler aint easy to understand. Dere was a parallel translatoin into New Yorkan, which was all about de Lord bein a cool dud wot kicks ass: dat must be de time when He rode into Jerussalem on Plam Sunday.

For de non-Cathlics dere is plenty of uvver churches. My bruvver Bosco's spiritaul needs is very simple so we went to Times Square and participated in a Calumny Chappel service.

Eccles and Bosco sings "We is saved pussons" in Times Square.

De one disappiontment so far is de Statue of Libberty, which aint as impressive as poeple finks. It's de same probblem wiv de little mermaid in Copenhaggen, dey needs to get a big mermaid.

Statue of Libberty. Dis iddle punched Bosco when he kissed it.

Well, dat's enuogh suovenirs of New York. Wot shall I blogg on next? De world aint been doin much dat's very eddifyin, just now, has it?

Annuvver luvvly paintin from de Musuem. Is dey saved pussons?