This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Tuesday, 23 May 2017

What will happen when Donald meets Francis?

An in-depth analysis by Austen Ivereigh, the man who has the Pope's ear; with additional material by Massimo Faggioli, the man who has the Pope's false teeth, and Antonio Spadaro, the man who has the Pope's sockpuppets.

As quoted in CNN, the Guardian, CRUX, the Luton Budgie-fancier's Gazette and all other leading news sources.

Austin Powers

Austen Ivereigh.

Nobody knows Pope Francis like I do, having written the definitive biography of the great man. I have also looked up Donald Trump on Wikipedia, and apparently he is the President of the United States of America, as well as a ballet dancer of no mean abilities (memo: check this on a more reliable web site). And the question that everyone is asking me, is, Austen, why don't you belt up for once? Austen, what will happen when these two titans meet?

Will Pope Francis go straight for the jugular, attempting to strangle Donald Trump? Will he poison his coffee? Will he drop a sixteen-ton weight on him? All these are things that a pious saintly Catholic such as Francis may feel obliged to do, to maintain the purity of the Vatican.

sixteen ton weight

One possible outcome, but - in my analysis - not the most probable.

Trump of course is another strong personality who doesn't like being messed around. Will he come to the aid of the Sovereign Order of Malta by getting his CIA agents to intern the Pope as a war criminal? Will he activate the Palantir of Melania, causing all the secrets of the Vatican - including the answers to the five dubia - to be revealed once and for all?

Trump and palantir

Donald Trump activates the Palantir of Melania.

Well, you may think so, but we Catholic experts think otherwise. There will probably be an embarrassed silence, until Francis asks one of his valued aides, such as Cardinal Parolin, "Who is this man with the funny hair?" On being told that it is the American president, Francis will summon his trusted adviser, Fr James Martin LGBTSJ, to advise him. Fr Jim will take one look at Trump and run screaming from the room. Trump will attempt to break the ice by saying "I've always been an admirer of yours, Pope Benedict, your saintliness."

Once both parties have worked out who the other is, they will exchange gifts. Francis will give Donald a copy of Amoris Laetitia, and the President will give the Pope a model of the Statue of Liberty, They will shake hands, and pose for photos, and that will be it. No discussion of political issues, as neither of them can bear to be contradicted.

model of Statue of Liberty

From the Leader of the Free World to the Leader of the Saved World.

© Austin Powers, 2017


  1. It's fun to mock Trump, but he is far and away a better leader thus far than all the traitors and pantywaists we see running Europe. Manchester is just another day in vaporizing Eurabia.

  2. And I don't intend that comment to be callous, not at all. God rest the souls of the poor children who were killed, and heal the wounded. May He open the eyes of those who deny our reality.

  3. I hope they check that the Vatican wall is still there after Trump's departure.

  4. So, our President didn't get free tickets for an apparation at Medjugory? insulting.

  5. Dear Eccles.

    I couldn't help noticing that, again, you have mentioned "LUTON".

    Are we to understand that Eccles, he of the impeccable connections with Movers and Shakers, knows one or two things that the rest of us (The Hoipolloi) do not ?

    We need to know.

    From whence comes your Sauces ?