Ordo Amoris for beginners

Many readers have asked me to explain "Ordo Amoris", which is in the news at the moment. Is it related to Novus Ordo? Or to Amoris Laetitia? Or is it something else entirely?

St Venn tries to explain Ordo Amoris by a diagram.

Well, in fact, Ordo Amoris is one of those bits of Christian doctrine that can be traced back to St Augustine and St Thomas Aquinas, two Doctors of the Church who, coincidentally, won Silver and Gold medals, respectively, in the recent World Cup of Pot-Biblical saints.

But who are these old fogeys to set their opinions against those of future Doctors of the Church such as Fr James Martin LGBTSJ, Austen "Rupnik stays up on my wall" Ivereigh, and Mike Lewis of Where Pachamama Is?

The most telling argument against Ordo Amoris is that it is espoused by JD Vance of the "Nasty Orange Man" team. He claims to be a Catholic, but obviously can't be named in the same breath as Joe Biden, Grand Bricklayer and Plasterer Pursuivant of the Masonic Order of Planned Parenthood.

Devout Catholic (retd.)

There is a way of producing an argument that is based on cutting out random bits of scripture, boiling them in acid for 24 hours, and then presenting them as unassailable doctrine. With this you can argue that parents should neglect their children and spend their time in educating the natives of Borrioboola-Gha, on the left bank of the Niger. (I pinched that from the great Mrs Jellyby in Bleak House, by the way.)

After all, did Jesus not ask us, in the parable of the Good Samaritan, to identify who was the neighbour of the poor chap who was robbed? Actually, it may have been a trick question, as nowadays you are quite likely to be mugged by your neighbours, especially if you live in London.

Anyway, once you have put yourself above Trump and Vance, you may as well go for their friend Elon Musk, and even Calvin Robinson of the Almost-Catholic Church. Here you have an easy target, as they are obviously all Nazis!

The Fascist greeting, "My heart goes out to you."

To those of us in the know, "My heart goes out to you" - or in German "Heil Hitler!" - is a code phrase meaning "We are ready to annex Canada, Panama, Greenland, and Poland." Don't be fooled by its appearance in a pro-life context. If you need more proof, look at this message from that well-known fascist King Charles III in the guise of condolences for the recent air crash in Washington.

See! No prayers, just a fascist message about hearts!

I guess that, as supreme governor of the Anglican Church, he would not dare offer prayers, as it would offend many of his bishops.

Well, I hope you found that helpful. For more information, see Pope Francis's next apostolic exhortation "Ordo Amoris is a Synodal Matter".

Pope Francis wins a medal

As he comes to the end of his term as president, Joe Biden has decided to give Presidential medals of Freedom to all his best friends: Bono, Hillary Clinton, George Soros, ten people who tried to shoot or at least lock up Donald Trump, Darth Vader, the Emperor Dalek, The Joker, Riddler and Penguin, etc. etc. and last but not least Pope Francis.

The citation for Pope Francis mentioned his humility, his mercy, his synodality, his tolerance of Catholics of all flavours - from the most rigid TLM-aficiando all the way down to those who thought the whole thing was a bit of a joke and really supported Planned Parenthood.

It is believed that Biden will soon be honouring other prominent Catholics, such as Uncle Ted McCarrick and Fr Marko Rupnik.

"We're going to need a longer ribbon, Mr Soros."

Now that Joe and Francis are best mates, the Holy Father has decided to respond by canonizing the president Santo Subito, even though such honours are usually reserved for dead people - not just brain-dead people - and would not normally be conferred this quickly unless the holy person had produced a good website (so Leo XIII, Thomas à Kempis, Pius XII and G.K. Chesterton will have to wait a few hundred years more).

"Here's your halo. We're making you the patron saint of ice cream."

Cupich is asked to install abortion chapel in Holy Name Cathedral

Following his successful participation in the Democratic National Convention last week, Cardinal Blase Cupich, known to regular readers as twice winner of the World Cup of Bad Cardinals, has been requested to import some of the features of the DNC to his own cathedral of Holy Name, Chicago.

"In the words of Our Lord, 'Orange Man Bad, Cackling Hyena Good!'"

One of the features of the DNC that proved most interesting was the abortion van, supplied by Planned Dead Child Parenthood. It had also been hoped that the DNC would provide a euthanasia/assisted suicide booth (after hearing the speeches, many were heard to ask "Do I have to carry on living?") However, it was felt by some people that the chances of Joe Biden wandering in by mistake, thinking it was an ice-cream parlour, were too great.

However, both an abortion chapel and a euthanasia chapel are possible features that could be incorporated into Holy Name Cathedral, assuming that the cardinal (and, presumably, the dean) agree. After all, many Americans described as devout Catholics consider these to be perfectly acceptable elements of healthcare.

As will be seen, there are several places that could be improved by the removal of unnecessary altars and the addition of healthcare facilities.

Vatican welcomes Olympics opening ceremony

Last week's Olympics opening ceremony has been greeted warmly by Vatican staff and their friends. For any readers who were on another planet at the time, the highlight was a re-enactment of the Last Supper, in which a charming young lady called Miss Piggy (memo: check name) played the part of Jesus.

A spiritually nourishing scene.

Said Austen Ivereigh, author of "Pope Francis - the new Messiah?", top synodalist, and part-time kenotic decenterer, "Just as Pachamama was a representation of the Blessed Virgin Mary, we see the Olympic scene as a faithful representation of the Last Supper, produced by devout Catholics. My only criticism is that there were no Rupnik murals decorating it."

Archbishop Vincenzo Paglia, president of the Pontifical Academy for Lust, said, "Well of course I have to say I'm condemning it, but after all, everyone, absolutely everyone, wants to sit at the table where Jesus gives his life for all and teaches love." Make of that what you will.

Other highlights of the Olympic opening ceremony included a mocking of the martyrdom of Marie Antoinette who - do we have to keep saying this? - NEVER said "Let them eat cake" (or even "brioches"). For reasons that some of us have never understood, the French like celebrating The Reign of Terror (and they even sing a disgusting song about filling ditches with blood).

Saint Denis is not amused either.

And what of "Pontifex" Francis himself? Well, his Twitter message was "The authentic Olympic and Paralympic spirit is an antidote against the tragedy of war and a way to put an end to violence. May sport build bridges, break down barriers, and foster peaceful relations." As Joe Biden puts it, "And they call ME clueless?"

Which brings us to Fr James Martin, who is of course the leading Catholic bridge-builder, and also a sports fan. "Why is there no Ignatian Yoga event at the Olympics?" he moaned. "We Jesuits could really clean up here."

And now the punch line...

Finally, Paris produced a worthy opening ceremony, as the Sacré-Coeur Basilica remained illuminated, while the neighbouring buildings were plunged into darkness. Sometimes, God shows His sense of humour.

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LATE NEWS

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According to this lookalike, the opening ceremony was intended to be synodal.

The Synod of Comics and the Synod of Despots

As a by-product of the Synod on Synodal Synodality, Pope Francis is enjoying synods so much that he decided to hold two more.

Getting ready for some kenotic decentering.

First, the Synod of Comics. A bit of a mixed bunch here - Fr James Martin LGBTSJ made the cut, but Austen Ivereigh didn't. Then Stephen Colbert, was there, chosen for being Catholic but not too Catholic, and certainly not too funny.

Colbert likes to needle people.

Also Whoopi Goldberg is about as anti-Catholic as they come. But she will be walking with the rest (or perhaps waddling), all the while looking for a new way of being Church. Oh, that's enough, let's move on to the synod of despots.

"Could you jump-start my brain, please? The battery's flat."

All the great world leaders - by which we mean acolytes of Soros, Schwab and Gates etc. - will be attending the synod of despots. Well not all - you would expect to see despots such as Arthur Roche and Victor Fernández attending, but Uncle Arthur dropped out when he was told there would be no cake, while Tucho was told he would not be allowed to kiss anyone, not even Ursula von der Leyen.

"How nice to meet someone who's even more unpopular than I am!"

Of course, Pope Francis will be at both synods. His own Amoris Laetitia is packed with jokes as funny as anything Colbert ever said, while his despotic skills have never been questioned.

Well, that will take people's attention away from Rupnik, won't it?

The God Bless Eccles Bible

Donald Trump has sent out the message, Happy Holy Week! Let's Make America Pray Again. As we lead into Good Friday and Easter, I encourage you to get a copy of the God Bless The USA Bible.

The author (no, not really).

I supposed at firat that this would be a Bible written by Mr Trump, in which case it would have the following features:

All in capitals. 
Silly made-up names for people he doesn't like
   (I would never do that, would I?) 
All the disciples wearing red hats.
God referred to as "Donald".
"Make Heaven Great Again" the main message of the Gospels.

But, I admit that I was wrong. It is simply a King James Bible with a few add-ons.

After all, the new Pope Francis Bible includes extra books - the books of Laudato Si', Amoris Laetitia, Traditionis Custodes, and Fiducia Supplicans - and I can't imagine anyone objecting to that!

"Not only did he sack me, but he gave me a copy of his book."

What Donald actually adds are things such as the US Constitution, the Bill of Rights, and the Declaration of Independence. Mere Britons may wonder why the US Constitution is so sacred that it keeps getting amended, but again I refer to Pope Francis's treatment of the Gospel...

Uncle Joe is working on a God Bless Biden Bible, with innovations like the Ten Commandments being deleted, and the inclusion of extra documents, such as advertisements for Planned Parenthood and Graeter's chocolate chip ice-cream.

Recommended to all DEVOUT Catholics!

So finally, we come to the God Bless Eccles Bible. Only $50, so it should outsell the God Bless The USA Bible (which costs $60). With the popular advertising slogans Make Eccles Rich Again and Become Saved By Reading This Book! this is a Douai–Rheims Bible with some of my most popular blog posts (more than 3 readers!) added as bonus chapters to be read out at Mass. These include

Why the Pope is right about everything;
How to preach a royal wedding sermon; 
The toxic tradition of the Latin Mass;
The World Cup of Bad Hymns; and
Is Pope Francis a Trad?

So I'll stop there, as I have to do a few Bible-signing sessions today - Westminster Cathedral, Waterstones, etc.

Pagans in Communion Conference

Yes, presented by www.christrecovery.com, it's the conference for all whose pagan leanings have been affected by Catholicism!

Nothing to do with this event, honest!

If you are a Pagan formerly associated with or affected by Catholicism, or are seeking to understand the effects of Catholicsm on our Pagan faith, then this conference is for you!

We feel your pain. Rigid Catholics who use words like "sin", "redemption" and "Christ" can cause untold distress to good Pagans such as ourselves, and it is important for us to have a conference as a way of giving each other support.

Two keynote speakers!

Yes, we are honoured to welcome Joe Biden, part-time president of the United States, who will give a keynote address on the subject of "Urgle burgle who am I splunge where's the ice-cream?" explaining how he was traumatized when a Catholic told him that killing babies was wrong.

We shall also be hearing from Fr James Martin LGBTSJ, author of "Are you gay? If not, why not?" - a manual for seminarians.

We shall hold synod-style bonding sessions!

We shall obviously play down the religious side of our beliefs - it is much more important to focus on OURSELVES rather than GOD - but we shall certainly sing a few happy songs (we don't use the h-word these days!) such as "All are welcome", "Gather us in", "On eagle's wings", etc.

As we meditate on just how horrible Catholicism is, we shall discuss the wonders of alternative beliefs, such as in Pachamama or the following message, seen at King's Crescent Railway Station.

The Stations of the Crescent - a lesson to us all.

Actually, some of us are a little unhappy with using words like "sinners", so there will be a trigger warning on this, and those likely to be offended may wish to miss out on this session. We are now trying to persuade the station to display more friendly messages such as "Remember, you are perfect already!"

Anyway, we are not here simply to moan about Catholicism, we will be partying as well! One of our keynote speakers, Blase Cupich, has donated some birthday cake, and all are welcome to share it (except Arthur Roche, who has his own cake).

This gluten-free, vegan and climate-friendly cupcake is also guaranteed Catholic-free!

LATE NEWS: Some orthodox Catholics have been detected trying to gatecrash our conference. All future bookings must be accompanied by a letter of support from either (a) a Jesuit; (b) Austen Ivereigh; or (c) Someone who writes for "Where Peter Is".

Taylor Marshall to stand for Pope?

Following the declaration of his candidature for President of the United States, Dr Taylor Marshall, the author, podcaster, Youtuber, and father of 27 children, has declared himself "ready to stand" in the 2032 papal conclave.

At least one of these is our future Pope!

"After two terms as President, I shall be looking for a new venture," explained the author, podcaster, Youtuber... (get on with it!) "and I shall be happy to offer my services as Holy Father, Renaissance Man, and Saviour of the Church." Admittedly, Dr Marshall would then be the first Pope since the middle ages to bear 27 children, but, having comprehensively beaten Taylor Swift in a "Which Taylor would you vote for?" Twitter poll, his popularity is beyond question.

Taylor Swift - unlikely to be either President or Pope.

So what policies do we expect Dr Marshall to follow, as President and then Pope? As a devout Catholic^TM he will naturally follow Joe Biden go for the exact opposite of Joe Biden's policies: he will be pro life, anti the LGBTQSJ agenda, and generally favour traditional Catholicism. This will go down badly in the White House, and probably badly in the Vatican too. But the time has come for change.

New Apparition sighted at Knock Shrine

Witnesses have reported the sighting of a new apparition at Knock in Ireland, which they are convinced is "Old Joe" himself.

Traditionally, Old Joe is portrayed as a character with horns, a forked tail, etc., but this time he appeared as an old man, wandering around as if lost, sniffing the hair of passers-by, and groping... well, never mind. There were reports that his hands had blood on them: however, some reports say that it was merely chocolate chip ice-cream.

"The sign said KNOCK, so I knocked."

Those who observed the apparition had little doubt that it was Old Joe himself. "That's the Father of Lies, to be sure," said one visitor who had been learning Irish from a book. "He claimed to be an Irishman, Begorrah! on the grounds that among his ancestors were some Irish folk who died 200 years ago. Ochone!"

Among great evils attributed to Old Joe are his support for the slaying of babies in the womb, the destruction of marriage, and "gender-changing" operations on children. There is some suggestion that the people who run Knock had foreseen the possible apparition of Old Joe, since they had closed down all Masses for the day, thus preventing the evil one from trying to receive Communion.

Knock will reopen when a complete exorcism has taken place.

You may regard Old Joe as a figure of fun, but he is very dangerous.

Melon girl bad!

Some of our leading Catholic commentators (notably Massimo "Beans" Faggioli and Christopher "Lambchop" Lamb) have pointed out that the beliefs of the probable new prime minister of Italy, Giorgia Meloni, are hard-right, fascist, extremist, worse even than the hated orange man Trump, definitely something that would make even Mussolini say "Hang on, you're going a bit far there!"

Melon girl bad!

These beliefs include:

1. Claiming to be a Catholic Christian.
2. Opposition to abortion.
3. Opposition to euthanasia.
4. Opposition to same-sex "marriage" and "parenting".
5. Defence of the Biblical male/female family.

Golly! I can hardly bear to copy down such a manifesto of hard-right fascist filth!

Top commentator Lambchop of the Bitter Pill.

It is vitally important that Italy should have a prime minister more in sympathy with Catholic values, namely:

1. Claiming to be a "devout" Catholic, perhaps of the Bidenesque sort
who has new batteries fitted every Sunday morning so that he can
stagger off to church and fall asleep.

2. Encouragement of abortion, as late-term as possible. 

3. Euthanasia - well, be careful here, for if we are going to get
rid of old useless people then some presidents and popes may need
to worry. Correction. Apparently this only applies to
killing old people who are not millionaires.

4. Support of same-sex anything-you-like and suppression of all
opposition, which is described as "hate", "bigotry", etc. even 
though 50 years ago everyone would have agreed that same-sex
marriage was a joke.

5. The Bible!? Sheesh! This went out with the Synod of all Synods.
Ask Austen Ivereigh, who has been too busy acting as an "expert"
to join the concerted attack on the Melon Girl.

Ice-cream man good!

Melon, lamb chop, beans and ice-cream. A good recipe for indigestion.

The eight worst cardinals

The second World Cup of Bad Cardinals has reached the quarter-final knockout stage, and we have the following contests to look forward to.

Roche v Gregory, McElroy v Cupich, Marx v Parolin, and Maradiaga v Coccopalmerio.

Comparing this with the first World Cup, we have promising newcomers Roche, Gregory and McElroy, displacing Kasper (mostly retired from heresy these days), Danneels (dead) and Tobin (nighty, nighty, Joe!). The other five are old lags, and it will be interesting to see how they cope against the new boys.

Results to be posted here as we get them.

Arthur Roche 69.0 v Wilton Gregory 31.0.

Wilt has been as onboxious as possible recently, but Arthur is clearly a class act too. The English supporters are already crying "The trophy's coming home!"

Uncle Arthur, hater of the TLM, lover of cake.

Uncle Wilt, another hater of the TLM, lover of Biden.

Robert McElroy 16.2 v Blase Cupich 83.8.

Rob is a promising newcomer (definitely the sort of person we expect to see Francis appoint as a cardinal), but the current champion, Soapy Sue, wipes the floor with him.

"Why do they talk about my covering up of abuse, and not of my Judo skills?"

Our current champion ticks all the boxes: LGBT rights, suppression of the TLM, etc. etc.

Reinhard Marx 67.3 v Pietro Parolin 32.7.

Silver medallist from last time, Rhino has been working hard on his heresies, and is determined to get a medal this time. Parolin has modelled himself on Judas Iscariot, at least as far as China is concerned, but on the day the boy was outclassed.

Silver medallist last time, and continues to disgust.

"Chinese sell-outs? Financial scandals? Not me!"

Oscar Maradiaga 44.2 v Francesco Coccopalmerio 55.8.

The closest of the four quarter-finals. Both are experienced fighters, with reputations that are hard to choose between. So Cocco takes it, but he will not be asked to take a drug test.

"Financial and sexual scandals? Me?"

"Drug-fuelled homosexual orgies? You must be thinking of someone else."

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SEMI-FINALS.

Arthur Roche 66.4 v Reinhard Marx 33.6

Blase Cupich 72.8 v Francesco Coccopalmerio 27.2

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THIRD PLACE PLAY-OFF.

Reinhard Marx 63.5 v Francesco Coccopalmerio 36.5

The silver medallist in 2019, Rhino Marx, has to settle for the bronze medal. Cocaine Palmerio takes the 4th place as he did last time.

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THE FINAL.

Arthur Roche 46.4 v Blase Cupich 53.6

After a hard-fought contest, the 2019 champion, Blase Cupich, wins the gold again, and Arthur Roche has to settle for the silver medal and the "most promising newcomer" award.

New disciple criticised

Galilee, 27 AD approx.

Criticism has come in of Our Lord Jesus's appointment of the American Judas McIscariot as a disciple. "This will end badly," said one commentator. "Judas is clearly not to be trusted. He is a friend of the aged criminal Tedus Obnoxius, he who dwelleth in a beach house on the Sea of Galilee corrupting the young. What's more, Judas has not been averse to a bit of covering up of sexual abuse himself."

Judas McIscariot.

Judas has already caused division in the College of Disciples by campaigning for female deacons, supporting LGBT apostles such as St James the Least of All, and tolerating mass abortion as recommended by leaders such as Herod Bidenias.

Said St Salvatore, the former boss of McIscariot, who was not appointed to the College of Disciples, "That bastard? How ridiculous! We congratulate Judas on his appointment and we are confident that he will be a faithful disciple. Oh, and by the way, Salome Pelosi is an evil witch still needs some further instruction."

Judas himself was unavailable for comment.

The humble beach house of Tedus Obnoxius on the Sea of Galilee.

Child sacrifices to be restricted

Peru, 1533.

There has been outrage among leading Inca celebrities at reports that child sacrifices in the Empire are now to be greatly restricted, and will be decided upon locally.

The activities of "Planned Sacrifice" may now be severely restricted.

Opposition to the change in the law is being led by President Joe "devout" Atahualpa and the lovely Nancy Passthebotl, who see it as a threat to the woman's "Right to murder". Still, the Supreme Court of Judge Pizarro has now decided to overturn the traditional "Mom v Babe" ruling which has been the basis of sacrifice law for so long.

Pachamama - one of the Inca gods.

So far, nothing has been heard from the Vatican, neither from the Pontifical Academy of Sacrifice, nor from Pope Clement VII ("Clement the humble"), who himself is actually a devotee of Pachamama. Still, more serious Catholic sources are backing the new rules and we may see a major reduction in the number of sacrifices.

Laus Deo, if Archbishop Arfurocha still allows us to say that.

Same-sex couple raises Jesuit chick

Barry and Joe, a male couple from the species Presidens Tyrannicus in Washington Zoo, are currently raising a Jesuit chick, which the keepers have called "Tommy".

The happy family.

According to current reports, the couple are doing a "great job" in raising Tommy. Since one of them is a Catholic, they have decided to raise the chick as a Catholic too, which in practice means accepting Joe's moral teaching on abortion, LGBT issues, etc. For a baby Jesuit this is not expected to be a problem.

When Tommy grows up, it is hoped to place him in a Jesuit colony, where he can meet creatures of his own kind such as Martinus Hereticus.

We attempted to interview Joe about his adopted chick, but all we got was some muttering about a "stupid son of a bitch", so we abandoned the attempt. We hope to speak later to his keeper, Jen Psakopath.

To be honest, we don't understand this press release.

In other news, Doris "praying" Mantis is reported to have eaten her husband Sid after a night of passion. Catholic Bishops take note!

Jesubots recalled for reconfiguration

Following Fr Thomas Reese SJ's description of Earth as one of God's failed experiments we can reveal that he is nearer to the truth than he realises.

In fact he himself is one of a generation of Jesubot androids created not by God but by Vatican II Enterprises in the nineteen-sixties. These were intended as an experiment in Artificial Intelligence, designed to replace the Jesuits, which at that time was an order of holy men in the Catholic Church. However, over the years, the Jesubots have developed numerous faults, and they are now being recalled for repairs, reconfiguration, and in some cases - the LGBT Jimbot - scrapping altogether.

Mighty despots have traditionally employed fools: the Reesebot acts as an artificial substitute.

The most powerful of the Jesubots is the Bergoglidroid, about which many complaints have been registered with the makers. It has been accused of uttering heresy on many occasions - this is a software error that can probably be fixed - and has also taken to systematic persecution of groups of Catholics, along with its (non-Jesubot) sidekick ArthurD2.

ArthurD2 - the malfunctioning droid from Roche Enterprises.

Other faulty Jesbots include the Sosa, which accepts no teaching that is not recorded electronically in its database, and of course the Reesebot itself, with its confused "don't take children to the TLM" burblings, amongst many other gliches.

Waiting to be sent back for recycling.

Other robot manufacturers have realised that they too must fix some of the bugs in their products. For example, it has been a bad week for the Cupidroid (a rejected design from Cardinal Enterprises), which had been programmed to give a message on January 6th about wise men going to the stable to see the baby Jesus. Owing to a short circuit this turned into a condemnation of a bunch of nutters going to the White House to see Joe Biden. This somehow inspired feelings of horror in the Cupidroid's tiny mind (comparable to 9/11, Pearl Harbor, etc.)

A re-enactment of the Normandy landings.

Readers will no doubt have seen faults in other droids by the same manufacturers - although few will be completely broken up for spare parts as was the "Uncle Ted" McCarridroid, a close associate of the Cupidroid. Still, it is good to know that something is finally being done.