No kneeling in Church!

Top Cardinal Blase Cupich (well he has twice won the World Cup of Bad Cardinals) has spoken:

A message from our champion:

Certainly reverence can and should be expressed by bowing before the reception of Holy Communion, but no one should engage in a gesture that calls attention to oneself or disrupts the flow of the procession.

What can he possibly mean? Are people doing the Haka? Engaged in weightlifting (muscular Christianity)? Or pointing at the deacon and giggling at his rose vestments?

Permit Austen Ivereigh, the man with the Pope's ear (he keeps it in the freezer) to explain.

Austen Ivereigh is feeling disrupted.

Apparently, what Bad Cardinal Cupich is referring to is the sin of kneeling. (I don't think I've ever seen anyone throw themselves down, but who knows what they do in the Ivereigh Towers?)

Presumably he's not referring to the TLM, in which *everyone* throws themselves down - I mean, kneels? Thanks to Blase's over-zealous interpretation of Trads Cussed, trying to conduct a TLM in Chicago is now as dangerous as celebrating St Valentine's Day was in 1929, so Al Cupone is unlikely ever to encounter one - not even an LGBTTLM, which is what he would probably prefer.

In the "Hail Maori" rite, these gestures are permitted when receiving the Sacrament.

Anyway, the following showy and disruptive activities are now discouraged in the Catholic Church.

* Kneeling, especially if it delays Dr Ivereigh when he is anxious to go home.
* Genuflecting.
* Making the sign of the cross, or similar showing off how "reverent" you are.
* Saying "Amen" when receiving. Actually the TLM liturgy already acknowledges that this is showy and disruptive, so it is not done.
* Looking unnaturally pious. Or, in general, taking the whole thing seriously.

I hope that helps.

Let him who is without sin bowl the first ball

Following evident signs that the Pope has lost interest in religion, and is now devoting his time 100% to environmental activism, the England and Wales Cricket Board has agreed to take on the job of giving moral leadership to the world.

Its chairman is a man called Ian Watmore, of whom nobody has heard except in sentences such as "What? More woke nonsense from the ECB?" and so the job of Pope has now devolved to the England Captain, St Joseph "Joe" Root.

Time for prayers!

It is the job of popes to develop new doctrine that contradicts all that previous popes have said - well, Pope Emeritus Francis thought so - and Pope Joe has hit the ground running as far as that is concerned. "If you have sinned in the past - say, you said something naughty when you were a teenager - then you should confess, repent, and seek forgiveness. But now, here's the twist in the tail - YOU WON'T GET IT."

As Our Lord put it in the Gospel of St Ollie, "Come unto me all ye who have sinned, and confess your sins. I shall then make sure that you lose your jobs and never work again, even if ye be in your twenties."

The new England cricket team. Much more saintly.

As the disciples of Pope Joe, also known as the England cricket team, rushed to delete all tweets made since Twitter began in 2006, just in case one of them turned out not to be of truly saintly character, the Holy Father has decided to sack them all to be on the safe side, and appoint a team made up from members of the Trappist order of St Lord's. These holy men neither speak, nor write, and have never heard of the Internet. It is true that they will be unable to cry HOWZAT when they think a wicket has fallen, but on the other hand HOWZAT is now deemed a hate word, and it is best if they say nothing, perhaps kneeling in silent prayer.

As Pope Joe put it: "Consider the England cricket team. They can neither bat nor bowl. So, no change there."

How to pray

The Bible gives several useful tips on what to say when you pray, but is less clear when it comes to matters of posture. Our experts have identified five possible positions you may choose to adopt.

Kneeling, the old-fashioned way (Posture 5, below).

1. Standing. This is very popular nowadays (even in parts of the Extraordinary Form Mass), although a pedant might argue that it goes against Matthew 6:5, And when ye pray, you shall not be as the hypocrites, that love to stand and pray in the synagogues and corners of the streets, that they may be seen by men. Moreover, it means that anyone behind you who is kneeling cannot see what is going on.

The 5 sacred postures.

This aside, there are four postures which make use of the pews/seats:

2. Sitting, and leaning back. This is roughly as antisocial as tilting your seat back on an aeroplane. It limits the possible postures adopted by the person behind you - of the ones listed below, your neighbour can still manage 3, but 4 and 5 will be prevented.

Ladies, no slouching, please!

3. Sitting, and leaning forward. Bad for the back muscles, but perhaps the best if you refuse to kneel.

4. Sit/kneeling, with backside on seat and knees on the hassock/kneeler/cushion embroidered with a picture of Micky Mouse (whichever your church provides).

The pope is unimpressed by a bishop's praying posture.

5. Kneeling, with backside unsupported, and body leaning against seat in front. This is surely the most recommended for saved persons, if possible. Of course it is also the most tiring.

An alternative praying position, not discussed here.

Well, now we come to today's question of church etiquette.

QUAERITUR: The lady in front of me is a "Position 2" pray-er, and sits right back when she prays. Thus, when I adopted my own favourite Position 5, I got my hands tangled in her hair. She then switched to Position 3 (leaning forward), at the same time tutting loudly. Should I now keep the territory gained, or should I retreat to Position 4 (sit/kneeling)?

FATHER E. writes: Oh, you must keep the territory gained. Perhaps you can somehow make use of an umbrella, firearm, cuddly toy, or whatever else you carry with you, to help you hold your position.

... or whatever else you carry with you...

The worst Church buzzwords

In response to Fr Lucie-Smith's Catholic Herald article listing ten words and phrases that should be banned from religious life (e.g. "elephant in the room," "outreach" and "guideline"), we have asked a more liberal "Doctor of Immoral Theology" to provide a list of buzzwords that annoy him.

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A traddy priest aggressively wearing a biretta

biretta: in the modern church there is no place for old-fashioned vestments (terms like "chasuble" and "maniple" are equally verboten). It is best if a priest shows that he is no different from other people, so saying Mass in jeans and tee-shirt is recommended. Perhaps a discreet clip-on dog-collar if you want to show you're "staff."

hermeneutic: anyone using this obscure piece of jargon (and that includes Popes who should know better!) marks himself out as someone who is not fully committed to the ideals of Vatican II. If the church is to proceed to ordain women as priests, to endorse abortion and euthanasia, and to allow gays to marry in church - all explicitly recommended by Vatican II - then we need to crush rebels who stand in our way.

kneeling: a most unhealthy custom, leading to arthritis and lumbago. Churches should withdraw all kneeling facilities, and allow the customers to sit down throughout the Mass (perhaps standing for hymns, to allow self-expression by waving arms and doing the occasional jig).

The Last Supper. Only one traddy apostle is kneeling!

Latin: Do we need to say more? The language of Satan. Banned by Vatican II. Who wants to hear a Mass in which abominations such as de gustibus non est disputandum or caveat emptor can be found? Or even veni, vidi, vici?

novena: not a decent English word, is it? All to do with praying on nine consecutive days - if that's not a sign of obsessiveness, we don't know what is!

Gregorian chant: Largely done away with, and replaced by the pioneering work of the blessed Paul Inwood, but it still survives in some pockets of resistance. Ugh. Moreover, Graham Kendrick tells us that he feels insulted that people are attempting to introduce Fulge, Jesu, Fulge as a Gregorian chant.

Pope Gregory I - you can see that he's up to no good

consubstantial: A word re-introduced into the new English translation of the liturgy. Not a word you'll hear in the street! "I hear you're feeling a little consubstantial, Mrs Peppermint! Aren't the tablets working?" What nonsense!

fasting: These days we don't fast, or eat fish on Fridays, or regard Lent as a special period of abstinence. It smacks of an eating disorder if you don't tuck into a healthy Jumbo Offalburger on Fridays (unless, of course, you are a vegetarian, in which case we truly respect your sincere beliefs, but do make sure you get enough calories). Lent's a period for stuffing ourselves with Easter eggs - why do you suppose they are in the shops at that time?

Pope: A chauvinist old fogey in Rome too full of his own distasteful ideas. Don't mention him in polite circles! The word "Vatican" is equally taboo, unless followed by "II."

God: Too controversial a figure in the modern Catholic church. If we are to be able to dialogue with atheists and Anglicans, we must not insist on this. If we must refer to a possibly nonexistent supernatural creator, then the term "sky-fairy" is recommended. We don't want Diarmaid McCulloch or Stephen Fry to laugh at us!

Not a necessary part of modern Catholic theology