No kneeling in Church!

Top Cardinal Blase Cupich (well he has twice won the World Cup of Bad Cardinals) has spoken:

A message from our champion:

Certainly reverence can and should be expressed by bowing before the reception of Holy Communion, but no one should engage in a gesture that calls attention to oneself or disrupts the flow of the procession.

What can he possibly mean? Are people doing the Haka? Engaged in weightlifting (muscular Christianity)? Or pointing at the deacon and giggling at his rose vestments?

Permit Austen Ivereigh, the man with the Pope's ear (he keeps it in the freezer) to explain.

Austen Ivereigh is feeling disrupted.

Apparently, what Bad Cardinal Cupich is referring to is the sin of kneeling. (I don't think I've ever seen anyone throw themselves down, but who knows what they do in the Ivereigh Towers?)

Presumably he's not referring to the TLM, in which *everyone* throws themselves down - I mean, kneels? Thanks to Blase's over-zealous interpretation of Trads Cussed, trying to conduct a TLM in Chicago is now as dangerous as celebrating St Valentine's Day was in 1929, so Al Cupone is unlikely ever to encounter one - not even an LGBTTLM, which is what he would probably prefer.

In the "Hail Maori" rite, these gestures are permitted when receiving the Sacrament.

Anyway, the following showy and disruptive activities are now discouraged in the Catholic Church.

* Kneeling, especially if it delays Dr Ivereigh when he is anxious to go home.
* Genuflecting.
* Making the sign of the cross, or similar showing off how "reverent" you are.
* Saying "Amen" when receiving. Actually the TLM liturgy already acknowledges that this is showy and disruptive, so it is not done.
* Looking unnaturally pious. Or, in general, taking the whole thing seriously.

I hope that helps.

Al Capone makes a statement on the Chicago massacre

Chicago, 1929.

Cardinal Al Capone of the Chicago Outfit has issued a statement concerning the suppression of the North Side Institute on Febuary 14th (the St Valentine's Day Mass-acre).

Cardinal Capone tries to look inconspicuous.

"On February 14th, seven members of the North Side Community communicated to the archdiocese that they had decided to stop breathing and instead bleed to death through certain holes in their bodies. It was their choice to do so."

"They were not killed. We did not shoot them. They chose to discontinue altogether."

"The community had the option to continue living under our guidelines and decided not to," added a spokeswoman for Cardinal Capone. “It is a false statement that we have a ban on their activities. They are welcome to worship in any way they choose, provided that they receive permission from the Archdiocese."

The spokeswoman added that, in line with the wishes of Mafia boss Big Frank Bergoglio, as interpreted by Arthur "Even Bigger" Roche, the Community had only needed to comply with 79 conditions requested by Al Capone, one of which required them to be dead.

Mysteriously, the dead men all shot themselves in the back.

It is not known how this Mass-acre will affect the popularity of Cardinal Capone, but there is no doubt that Big Frank is delighted.

If you don't know what this post is about, take a look at the blog of Father "Z" Uhlsdorf.

Valentine's Day massacre to go ahead

In Chicago, Cardin Al Capone has confirmed that, even though it is Ash Wednesday, the traditional Valentine's Day massacre will go ahead.

Cardin Al Capone - and isn't that the biggest crook you ever saw?

As we've been told ad nauseam today is both Ash Wednesday, the start of Lent, and St Valentine's Day, the day for buying chocolates, flowers, gin, scrubbing brushes, copies of Building a Bridge, etc. for your loved one, depending on their inclinations and how much you love them. But can we celebrate both at once?

Following his sensational lecture at the Von Heretic institute in Cambridge, at which he told the world that, although "strictly speaking" chastity is required (don't you love that phrase?), it must sometimes be abandoned, Capone is now preparing to massacre the Catholic faith in other ways.

"Did I appoint Cupich as a cardinal? Silly me, I mean Chaput!"

In particular the great man - the cardinal who put the "bile" in "papabile" - is launching a series of Amoris Laetitia seminars, to tell the US Bishops how to interpret it. A cheaper option would be to pulp all copies of AL and admit that it is a turkey, but... well, it's too late now. Or is it?

Catholics are looking forward to seeing how the Vatican will celebrate Easter on April 1st (All Fools' Day). It's possible that an all-star line-up of celebrity fools will be present in Rome - Cupich, Marx, Kasper, oh the list is too long to give in detail. Then perhaps Pope Francis will surprise us by admitting "You've all been fooled! Amoris Laetitia was just a joke designed to test you! Now I know which of my cardinals to put up against the wall." And out will come the papal machine-gun.

Out of respect for his office, Capone will be offered a blindfold.

No, I think not.