New Apparition sighted at Knock Shrine

Witnesses have reported the sighting of a new apparition at Knock in Ireland, which they are convinced is "Old Joe" himself.

Traditionally, Old Joe is portrayed as a character with horns, a forked tail, etc., but this time he appeared as an old man, wandering around as if lost, sniffing the hair of passers-by, and groping... well, never mind. There were reports that his hands had blood on them: however, some reports say that it was merely chocolate chip ice-cream.

"The sign said KNOCK, so I knocked."

Those who observed the apparition had little doubt that it was Old Joe himself. "That's the Father of Lies, to be sure," said one visitor who had been learning Irish from a book. "He claimed to be an Irishman, Begorrah! on the grounds that among his ancestors were some Irish folk who died 200 years ago. Ochone!"

Among great evils attributed to Old Joe are his support for the slaying of babies in the womb, the destruction of marriage, and "gender-changing" operations on children. There is some suggestion that the people who run Knock had foreseen the possible apparition of Old Joe, since they had closed down all Masses for the day, thus preventing the evil one from trying to receive Communion.

Knock will reopen when a complete exorcism has taken place.

You may regard Old Joe as a figure of fun, but he is very dangerous.

Enda gets a knock.

Over now to Knock in Ireland, the site of the National Marian Shrine: and we have a most unusual pilgrim at the airport.

Knock, knock! Who's there? Enda. Enda who? Enda Life.

Eccles: We are indeed fortunate today to have a visit from that most pious of Catholics, Enda Life, the Teashop of Ireland. Especially at a village known for its shrine to the Blessed Virgin Mary, a woman who carried Jesus in her womb and spent 9 months complaining about it. Good morning, Enda. What are your thoughts on arriving at this sacred place?

Enda: Well, I was thinking that the way to solve Ireland's problems is to bring in liberal abortion laws. As a faithful Catholic, I know that this was something very dear to the heart of Mary.

Mary, a figure who has greatly influenced Enda Kenny.

Eccles: Have you discussed this with a priest? If you ask Cardinal Brady politely, he may just be prepared to grant you an interview. I gather that his views are somewhat different.

Enda: Look, am I or am I not allowed to decide for myself what Mary would have wanted? Isn't the Massacre of the Innocents a great Catholic feast?

Eccles: Well, not exactly. You may have got that slightly wrong.

Enda: The great thing about abortion is that it can be used to cure all sorts of unrelated illnesses. Got an infection? Have an abortion. Got a boil on your backside? Have an abortion. Got an ingrowing toenail? Have an abortion. Feeling depressed by the most recent episode of Downton Abbey? Have an abortion.

The Witch of Enda urges Saul to bring in abortion legislation.

Eccles: What if I'm not pregnant?

Enda: Oh just kill a random baby. It doesn't much matter whose. We call it "the protection of life."