Vincent Nichols gets a new job

Congratulations to Archbishop Vincent Nichols of Westminster, who has been promoted to the Congregation for Bishops!

"And I don't want you appointing any self-absorbed promethean neopelagians!"

This is a great step forward for Archbishop Nichols, who has been making heroic attempts to show loyalty to Pope Francis in recent months, even going so far as to practise in front of the mirror some papal expressions such as "Who am I to judge?", "Women in the Church must be valued not 'clericalised'", and "I did not expect to be elected Pope".

A web page that ++Vin is said to consult daily.

It is certainly looking as though the archbishop's promotion to cardinal cannot be far away, even though his predecessor, the Eminence Grise, is still around and meddling serving to the best of his abilities. All eyes now turn to the English and Welsh dioceses, of which four or five are sede vacante, to see what the Congregation for Bishops recommends.

Thumbs up! I'll be an archbishop in no time!

Of course the big mystery is why such a "safe pair of hands" as Vincent Nichols never achieved preferment under Pope Benedict XVI. Could it have been the "gay" masses? The fact that ACTA was allowed so much freedom? Tina Beattie's lecture? Was it something he said? Was it lots of things he didn't say?

Did Benedict say "He'll be promoted when the Pyramids freeze over, and not before?"

Well, this is not the place for speculation. As our "new look" pope drops Cardinal Burke and takes on Archbishop Nichols, let us wish the Holy Father a happy 77th birthday, and a happy joint birthday party with the rock star Tommy Steele (also 77 today).

Come on, let's Bergoglio!

Damain is arressted

We has had de most worryin news. As you know, we is grate freinds wiv Damain Thopmson, who visited us in Lost Angles a few months ago, and spent some time in de funny farm wiv us. We mannaged to save him, and he is no longer a Cathlic blogger (de bloody crazy hammster, as dey used to call him), but is now secrettly a follower of de Calumny Chappel. Such is de evangellical power of my bruvver Bosco's luvvly blogg.

Anyway, Damain decidded to attend a service at de Calumny Chappel in Londdon, and he got arressted! We fink it is de Pop to blame, as if you does apostassy de Pop torchers you. My bruvver Bosco told me dat so it must be true.

We is making all efforts to get him releesed, so dat he can write more luvvly bloggs about Joanne Hairy. We has got suport from de Mare of Londdon, Borris Jonhson, who is very sympathettic to de Calumny Chappel, we fink he may even be saved.

Bruvver Borris have sent a special mesage of symmpathy.

"Cripes! The bounders! Chin up, Damian old fruit, Boris will soon get you out of durance vile. Crikey, what a cad's trick to play on you, fellow scribbler!"

I apollogise for de spelling, I cut and passted Borris's e-male, and frankly we is still trying to decod it.

Anyway, dis photto shows dat Borris is alreddy negottiatin wiv de costume holly man Pop ("What ho, Pop!") So we hopes dat Damain will soon be releesed and writin more of his luvvly bloggs.

Anti Moly is very upset by de news. She has found sollace in drinkin lots of gin, but dis is expenssive, so I gotta put in an advert to pay for it.

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Late news: Farver Arfur is also suporttin de "Releese Damain" campaing. "I has sent a letter to de Pop in Avingon," he says. I fink his adress book needs updattin.