New Auckland-rite vestments available

Following the lead of Bishop Stephen Lowe of Auckland, New Zealand, Gammarelli's outfitters has now agreed to stock the new "Snickers" vestments that are driving the Catholic world wild.

Bishop Lowe models the new vestments.

Apparently, the "Snickers" liturgy is as orthodox as Pachamama, it being a Polynesian custom for clergy to wear chocolate bars round their necks when offering the Mass (or "Mars" as they pronounce it). Depending on the liturgical season, the Snickers may also be replaced by Bounty bars, Kit-Kats, Milky Way, Toblerone, etc.

Poor Hoho, the greatest theologian of our age, has given his approval, pointing out that the new liturgy helps to implement Pope Francis's Traditional Custardpie.

Moreover, Cardinal Roche has also declared himself very enthusiastic about the new vestments, and has personally ordered a dozen Snickers necklaces ("and don't bother about the chasuble"). Mike Lewis of Where Pacha Is has also given his imprimatur, although regular readers of this blog will know that he normally prefers sausages.

On the other hand, this has been a good week for the Trads, with the announcement that this year's hard-right fascist Chartres pilgrimage has drawn a record attendance, and is now closed to further pilgrims. It is not known whether any of the devout will be wearing Snickers bars around their necks although the event is something of a marathon.

Pope Francis is "delighted" to hear the news of Chartres.

Cardinal Burke becomes a cult figure

Following the unexplained demotion of Cardinal Raymond Burke from the post of Cardinal Prefect of the Supreme Tribunal of the Apostolic Signatura to Patron of the Sovereign Military Order of Malta, a wave of sympathy, love and affection has swept the Catholic world, so much so that Burke is rapidly becoming a cult figure, and significantly more popular than Pope Francis.

The hero of the hour.

Throughout the civilised world petitions are being signed saying "Thank you, Cardinal Burke", or "We love Cardinal Burke", or "Burke, the People's Cardinal", or even "Burke for Pope". Gammarelli's sales of the Burke-style Cappa Magna have gone through the roof - causing a world shortage of silk - as bishops round the world decide to dress up like their hero. On the other hand, Pope Francis is definitely feeling unloved at present, as cruel people send him details of retirement homes and "How to claim your papal pension" booklets. It's fair to say that no clergy are dressing up like the Pope (except indeed Cardinal Burke, as he tries on a set of white robes, "just in case the call should come").

Dressing like the Pope is not always easy.

Although the Protect the Pope blog was closed down by a bishop who felt unable to support its aims, we are told that a new Protect Cardinal Burke blog is to be established, which will counter unwarranted attacks on the cardinal from liberal Catholics, Kasperites, and jealous popes.

Cardinal Dolan, a well-known heavyweight, supports Cardinal Burke.

Cardinal Burke himself is a modest man, and does not appreciate being made into a cult figure. However, whenever he appears in public, teenage girls whistle and scream with delight - which is not entirely appropriate for a Requiem Mass. His is clearly a hard act to follow, and it is unlikely that the new man, Archbishop Dominique Mamberti, will attract the same adoration.

Raymond Burke's new job involves getting the Knights of Malta to cheer up a little.

Late News: Cardinal Burke has decided to challenge the Pope's decision to dismiss him. To do this, he need only appeal to the Supreme Tribunal of the Apostolic Signatura. Since he remains president until the decision is confirmed, he can never be sacked. Q.E.D.

Pope eats ordinary food

Vatican-watchers were astounded today when Pope Francis came into the canteen at lunchtime and ate some food. "I didn't think that popes ate food like ordinary people," said one witness. "Aren't they nourished directly by the Holy Spirit? Next you'll be telling us that he has to buy his clothes at Gammarelli, rather than being clothed in white by angels."

That chap in white - haven't I seen him on the telly?

After a simple meal of pasta, cod and tomatoes (reports by aged Italian journalists that Pope Francis ate some processed lion meat - or "Burger Leo" - on a Friday are almost certainly inaccurate) the pope went to the washroom, where he is said to have squirted some Olio di Nichols onto his hands, before washing them in simple unblessed tap water and holding them for five minutes under a CORMAC^TM hot-air hand-dryer.

The Pope is presented with an almost human-looking CORMAC^TM hand-dryer.

Meanwhile, the Pope's private cook, Cardinal Dolan, was less than happy with events. "I cook the Pope a simple meal of Lobster Thermidor aux crevettes with a Mornay sauce, garnished with truffle pâté, brandy and a fried egg on top, and spam, and he sneaks off and eats in the canteen. Now, I'll have to eat it all myself."

Cardinal Dolan makes the best of it.

Cardinal Nichols profiles Damian Thompson

This morning Damian Thompson - brought up in Reading and a life-long fan of the Catholic Church - was expected to have dressed in the scarlet silk of a Telegraph deputy editor for the first time. However, it was not to be.

I explain to Damian where he went wrong.

Some commentators even thought that Damian might one day achieve the "eminence" of a Benedict Brogan XVI or James-Pole II ("Darling Pole" to his admirers) but certain dubious incidents in his Telegraph Blogs Diocese may have delayed his elevation.

For example, the notorious "Gay" blogs, held by Fr Graeme Archer, shocked traditional Catholics. Moreover, many readers were appalled by the sentiments expressed by Professor Tina Odone, who was allowed to give so-called "Catholic" lectures in the diocese.

Sorry, Damian, no scarlet clothes for you!

Damian-haters are wrong when they suggest that he's a man of weak or wavering faith. On the contrary, it's partly his determination to get lots of hits on his blog that drives him to drivel on constantly about Noele Gordon or Soreen malt-bread, or to write four anti-UKIP posts in a week.

Chocolate: the Pope's answer to Damian's obsession with cupcakes and custard.

As one middle-aged Catholic troll told me wistfully yesterday, "Other newspapers have writers who generate a buzz because their writing is so dynamic. Thompson is just so bland."

The simple vestments of a blogs editor.

Still, with a change of leadership at the Telegraph, with traditionalist Pope Gallagher surrendering the ancient chair of Barclay to Pope MacGregor, liberal attitudes are on the ascendant, even if the circulation doesn't seem to be. Thompson has changed his style, and there is hope yet that he may become a prince of the Telegraph.

David Cameron, a life-long friend of Damian Thompson.

But put it this way: Bill Deedes he ain't.

Was that OK, Eccles? I'm a bit busy today - been invited to a booze-up in Rome! Yours ever, Vin (rouge!).

Vincent Nichols gets a new job

Congratulations to Archbishop Vincent Nichols of Westminster, who has been promoted to the Congregation for Bishops!

"And I don't want you appointing any self-absorbed promethean neopelagians!"

This is a great step forward for Archbishop Nichols, who has been making heroic attempts to show loyalty to Pope Francis in recent months, even going so far as to practise in front of the mirror some papal expressions such as "Who am I to judge?", "Women in the Church must be valued not 'clericalised'", and "I did not expect to be elected Pope".

A web page that ++Vin is said to consult daily.

It is certainly looking as though the archbishop's promotion to cardinal cannot be far away, even though his predecessor, the Eminence Grise, is still around and meddling serving to the best of his abilities. All eyes now turn to the English and Welsh dioceses, of which four or five are sede vacante, to see what the Congregation for Bishops recommends.

Thumbs up! I'll be an archbishop in no time!

Of course the big mystery is why such a "safe pair of hands" as Vincent Nichols never achieved preferment under Pope Benedict XVI. Could it have been the "gay" masses? The fact that ACTA was allowed so much freedom? Tina Beattie's lecture? Was it something he said? Was it lots of things he didn't say?

Did Benedict say "He'll be promoted when the Pyramids freeze over, and not before?"

Well, this is not the place for speculation. As our "new look" pope drops Cardinal Burke and takes on Archbishop Nichols, let us wish the Holy Father a happy 77th birthday, and a happy joint birthday party with the rock star Tommy Steele (also 77 today).

Come on, let's Bergoglio!

The Bishop's Letter

Your bishop

My dear brothers and sisters in Christ,

As you know the Pope has asked me to become the Secretary of the Congregation of Divine Worship and Discipline of the Sacraments in Rome (or Vice-Pope for short), and it is with great reluctance that I am leaving the good people of Leeds for pastures new, when my work is still undone.

The Vatican of the North

The Holy Father was concerned that I might find the Vatican a little claustrophobic, after the magnificence of Hinsley Hall, but I told him that we should all be prepared to make sacrifices in order to serve God to the best of our abilities.

My successor as Bishop of Leeds has not yet been appointed, but I shall bequeath to him my collection of padlocks, guaranteed to fit church doors of any size, so that he may continue to close churches in the diocese on a regular basis.

Encouraging local industry in Allerton Bywater

In a spirit of Christian Charity I shall ignore one caustic remark made by Damian Thompson, namely "I hope Gammarelli has stocked up on XXXL archiepiscopal rig..." Although I am no longer the slim and athletic ice-skater that I used to be, my enemies will find that I can still be very slippery on occasion.

A problem in the 2012 CBCEW Ice-Skating Championships

By the way, I still have 5,000 copies of my most recent video nasty, "The Leeds diocese - what can we close next?" in case anyone would like one.

Saying farewell to the Bishop