This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Tuesday, 17 December 2013

Vincent Nichols gets a new job

Congratulations to Archbishop Vincent Nichols of Westminster, who has been promoted to the Congregation for Bishops!

Pope and Vincent Nichols

"And I don't want you appointing any self-absorbed promethean neopelagians!"

This is a great step forward for Archbishop Nichols, who has been making heroic attempts to show loyalty to Pope Francis in recent months, even going so far as to practise in front of the mirror some papal expressions such as "Who am I to judge?", "Women in the Church must be valued not 'clericalised'", and "I did not expect to be elected Pope".


A web page that ++Vin is said to consult daily.

It is certainly looking as though the archbishop's promotion to cardinal cannot be far away, even though his predecessor, the Eminence Grise, is still around and meddling serving to the best of his abilities. All eyes now turn to the English and Welsh dioceses, of which four or five are sede vacante, to see what the Congregation for Bishops recommends.

Kieran, thumbs up

Thumbs up! I'll be an archbishop in no time!

Of course the big mystery is why such a "safe pair of hands" as Vincent Nichols never achieved preferment under Pope Benedict XVI. Could it have been the "gay" masses? The fact that ACTA was allowed so much freedom? Tina Beattie's lecture? Was it something he said? Was it lots of things he didn't say?

snow on pyramids

Did Benedict say "He'll be promoted when the Pyramids freeze over, and not before?"

Well, this is not the place for speculation. As our "new look" pope drops Cardinal Burke and takes on Archbishop Nichols, let us wish the Holy Father a happy 77th birthday, and a happy joint birthday party with the rock star Tommy Steele (also 77 today).

Tommy Steele

Come on, let's Bergoglio!


  1. Donald Wuerl is also in - he'll be able to advise the pope on how to continue the cover-ups of predator clergy & with Burke out of the way he'll doubtless encourage communion for everybody - because everyone is good. Well, who is he to judge anyway?

  2. Tommy Steele is a good person and should not be judged at all - he married in a Catholic Church (St Patrick's in London) & he was the happiest millionaire. he also received a a little White Bull from the pope, a Papal Bull in fact. So he was nice & certainly not a Marxist or neo-pelagian for that matter.

  3. Upon hearing about his appointment, Nichols was overheard exclaiming rapturously to himself, "At last! I always wanted to be a bishop."

  4. Vinnie is a nuanced chappie, on a quest, so "who knows what's down the road?" However, I think he will be way too busy for this new job what with all the primary schools he has to visit.

  5. Dear Signore,

    Here in the clerical accoutrements department of our charity shop we are pleased to announce that we have in stock a secondhand cardinal set in reasonable condition, but smelling slightly of mothballs. Since this would match the smell of 1960s theological ideas emmanating from the future eminence, we invite Vinny to try on our lovely set, currently retailing at a reasonable 3.50 (plus 20p for an ecologically acceptable carrier bag).

    Annibale Gammarelli,
    Tunbridge Wells Cafod

  6. So Eccles, are you going to turn in your Red Hat…?

    I mean, it is becoming commonplace that anyone can become a Cradinal now.

    Can Cradinal Tina be far behind...?

  7. The Gospel According to Shooie, copyrite Scottish Catholic Observer (December 20): "And, of course, there are our friends on the wrong side of Hadrian’s Wall. Will Archbishop Vincent Gerard Nichols (68) at last receive the Red Hat normally offered Westminster? Now that Papa Ratzinger is in retirement there is no reason why that now won’t happen."

    Tesco's is doing a deal on paper hankies.