A man for all Zuhlsdorfs

A new production of A man for all seasons, describing the martrydom of St John Z, has been announced. Obviously the script is too long for this blog, but we can at least give an idea of the plot, together with some of the dialogue. Of course some details are exaggerated slightly for dramatic purposes...

The main dispute is between Bishop Hying VIII, who wishes to convert the Catholic Church into a branch of the Demonic Democratic party, and St John Z, a priest and author (his famous blog Ztopia tells of an ideal world where people drink lots of Mystic Monk coffee, take photos of aeroplane seats, carry guns, and speak almost entirely in Latin).

The trial of Father Z.

The accusations against Fr Z start when he conducts exorcisms against the Flu Manchu virus and Demonic Influence in politics. He refuses to sign a document renouncing his Catholic faith and selling out to the Zeitgeist. His enemies swoop, and the bishop (whose spine has been removed) feels he must act to avoid damning criticism in Amerika, the Fishwrap, and the Bitter Pill.

Some men think the Earth is round, others think it flat; it is a matter capable of question. But if it is flat, will the Bishop's command make it round? And if it is round, will the Bishop's command flatten it?

From the days before the Catholic Herald became a lifestyle magazine.

Recalling that Hying is prepared to sacrifice his principles for a quiet life as bishop of Madison, Wisconsin, Fr Z lashes out at him with the words:

"For Wisconsin? Why Donald, it profit a man nothing to give his soul for the whole world... but for Wisconsin!"

In the end things turn out badly for Fr Z. His "other" bishop, the man from Velletri-Segni, is envious of the blog Ztopia, and so "by mutual agreement with the bishops", Fr Z agrees to have his head cut off, to be drawn and quartered, and buried in copies of the Fishwrap (the ultimate insult).

A fate worse than death.

This country's planted thick with laws from coast to coast – Man's laws, not God's—and if you cut them down – and you're just the man to do it – d'you really think you could stand upright in the winds that would blow then? Yes, I’d give the Devil benefit of law, for my own safety’s sake.

Church of England celebrates Queen Mary Tudor

Following a tweet commemorating the death of the martyrs St Thomas More and St John Fisher - one of those little side-effects of the Reformation - the Church of England has now decided to go further and celebrate the life of Queen Mary Tudor.

"Fear not, Master Fisher, they kill us now, but will praise us in tweets five hundred years hence."

Actually, there is nothing new to see here. According to the Gospel of Wikipedia, which is always right: In 1980, despite their opposing the English Reformation, More and Fisher were jointly added as martyrs of the Reformation to the Church of England's calendar of "Saints and Heroes of the Christian Church", to be commemorated every 6 July (the date of More's execution) as "Thomas More, Scholar, and John Fisher, Bishop of Rochester, Reformation Martyrs, 1535".

So far very few reciprocal gestures have been seen from the Catholic Church. However, Pope Francis is a great fan of Martin Luther, and he models his style of governance on that of Henry VIII*, so it cannot be long before these two gentlemen become Doctors of the Church.

*Gerhard! Lie low if you will, but I'll brook no opposition - no noise! No words, no signs, no letters, no pamphlets - Mind that, Gerhard - no writings against me! (A Man for all Seasons).

So what about Mary Tudor?

Technically, of course, Mary Tudor is not a martyr, although Catholics say that she was a martyr to ill health. On the other hand, these days we must remember that the Reformation and all things asoociated with it were A Good Thing, as they led to the modern Christian churches with their new priorities of Equality, Diversity, Climate Change, Transgendered Awareness, Drug-fuelled gay orgies in the Vatican, Jesuits building bridges, etc., rather than the pre-Reformation values of Faith, Hope and Charity. So can Mary be denied the title of "Saint and Heroine of the Christian Church"? I think not.

"Well, yes, she did burn me. A little. But I probably deserved it."

All that remains now is for the Catholics to celebrate Queen Elizabeth I, another keen smiter of "heretics", and perhaps Thomas Cromwell, too. Then we can agree on the following joint statement between Anglicans and Catholics:

THE SIXTEENTH CENTURY WAS A GOLDEN AGE, AND THE TUDORS WERE ALL JOLLY GOOD CHAPS. THE REFORMATION WAS A GREAT SUCCESS AND EVERYONE HAD A SUPER TIME. VISITING RUINED ABBEYS MAKES FOR A REALLY GOOD DAY OUT, WHICH WE WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN ABLE TO DO IF A LOAD OF BORING MONKS WERE STILL THERE PRAYING, STUDYING, ETC. HOW UNCOOL IS THAT?

This is what an abbey should look like!

Learning from the Anglicans

As a respite from all the excitement in the Catholic church, let's see what the Anglicans have done recently, and whether we can learn from them.

The Scottish Episcopal Church (which is like the Church of England, except that they play the bagpipes and throw cabers around the church) has got itself into trouble with a reading from the Koran at St Mary's Cathedral, Glasgow. The row escalated and one of the Queen's chaplains has resigned.

"How am I supposed to play Bach fugues if you're doing Donald, where's yer troosers?"

Surely that's not a problem? I mean, the Koran reading said that Jesus was not the Son of God, but we have to be tolerant these days, and if that's what the Provost really believes, then there is room for dialogue on this question. Perhaps an Anglican synod will soon be voting for this proposition with a 2/3 majority, as they did a few years ago for the proposition that Jesus got it wrong on the issue of the ordination of women.

"Father Shaykh Ibrahim Mogra will be preaching tonight on 'Why Mohammed is better than Jesus'."

As an extra piece of comedy, the notoriously bossy Glasgow police managed to get in on the act, as it was claimed that there was a "hate-crime" issue here, when people complained about the betrayal of Our Lord in a Christian church. Apparently, they should have done the "Glasgow kiss of peace" first, to make it a love-crime.

LATE NEWS: Glasgow Cathedral announces an ecumenical service with worshippers of the Tiger God. As the provost puts it: such events lead to deepening friendships locally, to greater awareness of the things we hold in common, and to dialogue about the ways in which we differ.

No bagpipes, as they'll upset the Tiger God.

The other spiritually nourishing thing to report from the Anglican church is a joint statement on the 500th anniversary of the Reformation, issued by Archbishops Welby and Sentamu. They list some (rather vague) blessings that European Christians have received to which the Reformation directly contributed, although they forget to say anything about the destruction of churches and abbeys.

There is a mention of people being put to death, but you will agree that the following sentence justifies the Reformation in its entirety: Remembering the Reformation should bring us back to what the Reformers wanted to put at the centre of every person's life, which is a simple trust in Jesus Christ.

Justice for Henry VIII at last (and yes, that is a chair-leg).

Readers of this blog are generally cultivated people, and will remember this passage from The Man from U.N.C.L.E. - I'm sorry, I mean A Man for all Seasons, in which Henry VIII tries to explain the Reformation to (not yet St) Thomas More.

Henry: Now, mark you, Thomas. does a man need a pope to tell him what to do? This one has sent me an insulting message, telling me that under no circumstances may I marry fair Anne.

Thomas: Indeed, your Majesty, I do not think any pope would dare say otherwise, at least not in our lifetimes.

Henry: Can he not hold a synod, and get his staff to write a document that allows me to marry as many times as I wish?

Thomas: No, I really don't think we'll get very far with that idea, Sire.

A self-absorbed Promethean neo-pelagian gets his come-uppance.

Henry: Thomas, I plan to put a simple trust in Jesus Christ at the centre of every person's life, as advised by Master Cranmer of Canterbury and Master Lee of York.

Thomas: Is that not going too far, your Grace?

Henry: No. So report to the Executioner in the morning, there's a good fellow.

Catholics celebrating the Reformation

At first sight, Catholics may be inclined to view the Reformation as a BAD THING. Was it really as much fun as we first thought? Did those monks who were kicked out of their monasteries enjoy the experience immensely? Did St Thomas More really find the whole business of imprisonment, trial and execution a real bundle of laughs? He got out one good line, though, if A Man for all Seasons is accurate: "Why, Richard, it profits a man nothing to give his soul for the whole world …. But for Wales!"

Thomas More: "I died laughing!"

Do we remember Henry VIII as a benefactor of mankind, burning the odd chap here, decapitating another one here (well, several thousand, in fact), just so that he could get rid of Queen Katherine, who only bore him a daughter, and replace her with Queen Anne, who, er, only bore him a daughter?

Of course, those who survived discovered that there was even more fun to come. Edward VI. Cranmer and his prayer book. More massacres, all in the name of a new liturgy. We didn't see the like again until Vatican II. Then a swing back to the Catholics (Queen Mary), and more slaughter. Followed by a swing to the Anglicans (Queen Elizabeth), and yet more slaughter. Those Tudors really knew how to enjoy themselves! Weren't those 39 articles well worth killing for?

A jolly good read.

Actually, what used to be the most anti-Catholic of the articles, "The Bishop of Rome hath no jurisdiction in this Realm of England," isn't at all controversial these days. Ask the Tablet. Ask ACTA. Ask Vincent Nichols.

O.K. So the English Reformation was a GOOD THING. Either we are ecumenical and say "Well, they had a jolly good time, but it really didn't make much difference," or we're not, and we say "Bravo! One in the eye for Pope Whoever-it-was! Only Anglicans can be saved!"

Extra Ecclesiam Angliae nulla salus.

Of course the Reformation really started in Germany with Martin Luther, who also had a wife called Katherina but - unlike Henry VIII - decided to keep her. He was a clever chap, who wrote 95 theses. Presumably he got 95 D.Phil.s or Ph.D.s, too. "Call me Dr Dr Dr Dr Dr Dr.... Luther," he'd say. Having been excommunicated, he didn't really have much choice in his worship: either accept the authority of the Catholic Church, or start his own. Or - this being Germany - he could have found a way to preach heresy while remaining a Catholic priest in good standing. Ask Cardinal Marx how that's done.

Explaining Marxism to the Pope.

So, when Paul Röttig in the Tablet tells us that we should all celebrate the Reformation - massacres and all - then let's party! Is Timothy Radcliffe free?