The second ever synod

All throughout history momentous decisions have been made by means of synods (and sometimes by synods about synods). We have already seen that the very first synod involved Adam, Eve and the Serpent, and that by a process of discernment it was agreed that the divine commandment ("do not eat the fruit of this tree") did not always apply, and that doctrine might evolve. By a process of discernment one might come to the conclusion that God had really meant "tuck in!"

So, twenty years later there was a second synod. Eden II, some called it, although it was held slightly outside the garden where Eden I had taken place. Mr Genesis taketh up the story.

Cain explaineth the decision of the synod to his brother Abel.

1. It came to pass that Cain, son of Adam, and his wife Awan held a synod.

2. For Adam, he who was the Head of the Church, had decreed that people should meet in small groups and discuss the teachings of the Church, and whether they might prefer some other teachings.

3. Thus Cain had called a synod on murder, that it might be decided whether murder was really a sin.

4. For, as he said, "My brother Abel vexeth me. For the Lord preferreth the firstlings of his flock to my offering of a low-fat vegan alternative."

5. And Awan replied, "Are you not your brother's keeper? How then may you slay him?"

6. Cain answered unto her, "This is something that we may decide by means of the synod. For hath not our father Adam given unto us the authority to consider what is good, and what is not good?"

7. "It is true," agreed Awan, "that we are told always to reject that which is old, that which is traditional, and that which changeth not. So I must agree with you, O Cain."

8. Thus it was decided that murder was no longer a sin: so Cain went out into the fields and slew his brother Abel.

9. And Adam saw that Abel was slain, and grieved over this. But then he spake out, saying, "Who am I to judge?"

10. And finally Cain went out from the Lord's presence and dwelt in the land of Sy-Nod, East of Eden.

Awan urgeth Cain to move to Germany and become a bishop.

Has Kate Bottley had a lousy press?

In a television programme In The Footsteps Of Kate, to be shown on Good Friday, Judas Iscariot examines theories about what led the "Rev" Kate Bottley to betray Christ.

Kate Bottley - not as wicked as we first thought?

Traditionally, Fr Kate has been regarded as a buffoon who danced in church and later sold her soul to Channel 4's Gogglebox for a sum estimated at "30 pieces of silver". Certainly, there are some who think of her as a "disciple gone wrong". Mr Iscariot, however, feels a certain sympathy for this poor woman. "This is not to say 'Oh Kate, she's all right really', what we are saying is perhaps there is something else to this character than the dancing, the left-wing bigotry, and the dreadful TV show" he said.

Cain slaying Abel. But he wasn't just a murderer.

In an article in the Radio Times "Nick" Baines, Anglican bishop of Leeds, West Yorkshire, the Dales, and the Northern Powerhouse, re-appraises Cain. "I feel a bit sorry for Cain," he says. "He's gone down in history as a murderer, but we tend to forget his skills as a gardener, and the fact that he was a loving father to Enoch."

"Am I my brother's keeper?"

Fr Kate agrees. "I travelled to Mesopotamia. You have to look really hard to find anything about Cain, he's a really shadowy figure, even when you go to the place where he killed Abel, you have to look really hard to find any reference to him."

Yes, it is time we re-appraised all these people: Cain, Judas, Nick, and Kate. Perhaps after all they are not as bad as we thought.

Daily Mail does a hatchet job

Mesopotamia, 3980 B.C.

The entire population of the world (approximately 10) was horrified today when the Daily Mail published an article claiming that Mr Adam Milligan, father of the well-known farmers Cain Milligan and Abel Milligan, was really quite an evil person.

Adam and Eve "left little to the imagination" says Daily Mail.

Said Cain Milligan, currently Leader of the Opposition to God, "This slur on my father is disgraceful. All right, he and my mother did fraternise with a serpent, and eat forbidden fruit, but thirty years ago this was perfectly normal behaviour - everyone did it - and he was only a fellow-traveller rather than an out-and-out Satanist."

The Daily Mail, however, is sticking to its story, and has published follow-up articles, called, The man who fell in love with his own rib and Adam DID hate God.

An eye-witness interviewed by the Daily Mail.

Critics have pointed out that the Daily Mail also has a somewhat unsavoury history: for example, shortly before Satan was expelled from Heaven, it was publishing headlines such as THREE CHEERS FOR THE MAN WITH THE HORNS AND THE PITCHFORK and SATAN LAYS DOWN THE LAW TO GOD.

Nowadays, support for Satan is limited to occasional articles in papers with vanishingly small circulations, such as the Independent and Guardian.

The Daily Mail may, however, have the last word, as it challenged Cain Milligan to explain the mysterious absence of his brother Abel, who had been expected to take over the leadership of the labourers' party. Said Cain, "I'm afraid he decided to leave the family business and move to New York." Rumours are growing that Cain has actually killed Abel, but he was quick to deny them. Indeed, he produced this photograph which proved, he claimed, that his brother was alive and well, and had not been knifed in the back after all.

A prosperous banana-farmer, possible Abel Milligan.

Obama explains how the Bible supports him

President Barack Obama, well known to be a very devout Christian, has released an advert explaining how his policies are based on Biblical writings.

Cain and Abel - an economic lesson for us all.

"I base my economic policies on the much-loved story of Cain and Abel," explained the President. "Abel was a rich man, able to make the Lord a good offering, whereas Cain was poor, and came from a broken family, driven out of their home in Eden. What was he to do but kill Abel? Only the most die-hard Republicans would criticise him."

Hurricane Obama (formerly Sandy).

"Hurricane Obama (formerly known as Sandy) is another sign that the Lord is with me. Recall the verses of Jeremiah:

 This is what the Lord Almighty says:
'Look! Disaster is spreading
    from nation to nation;
a mighty storm is rising
    from the ends of the earth.'

The fact that New York has been badly devastated at this time is a sign that the Lord is telling the people of America 'Vote for that nice man Obama!'"

The Gadarene swine - doing Christ's bidding.

"I have always liked the story of the Gadarene swine - indeed, when people accuse me of leading America over a cliff, both morally, economically and socially, I say to them, 'But it is what Christ is telling us to do!'"

Kids! Horrid things! Let's kill them!

"Some of you may be wondering how the Bible justifies my policies on late-term abortion and even partial-birth abortion. I take my lead from King David, no less, who said, in one of his chart-topping psalms:

Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones 
against the stones.

I hope we'll hear no more complaints about abortion, especially as my Vice-President, saintly Joe Biden, tells me that his sincerely-held Catholic faith leads directly to a pro-abortion standpoint. He's a great admirer of King Herod, and always has a good laugh on Holy Innocents' Day."

The Beast of the Apocalypse - have we misjudged him?

"The word 'apocalypse' is from the Greek word Ἀποκάλυψις, which means 'revelation' or 'unveiling.' I have always felt it my duty to bring an apocalypse to the United States. One character in the book of the Apocalypse - who, like me, has had a bad press in some right-wing circles - is known to his friends as 'Beast,' just as I am. A much misjudged character, who merely wanted to stick to his principles, as I do."

"I hope this puts an end to all talk questioning my religious faith."

Kane and Able

Ullo Bosco, is you cross wiv your little bruvver Eccles? I is beginnin to suspect dat we has Kane and Able all over agin.

If you looks at Genessis you sees de storry of Kane and Abel. De Lord said unto dem, "You gotta write bloggs my lads and we'll see which one I likes best".

So Kane, who was de big bruvver and de leeder, he wrote a very powerfull blogg all about how he hated peeple, espeshully Cathlics, and dat he liked talkin about what peeple did in de tiolet. De little bruvver, Able, he wrote a blogg full of love and affection for his big bruvver Bosco, er I mean Kane, and tellin of his spiritaul juorney to Salivation.

Den de Lord reeds de bloggs and he says "Dats a mihgty fine blogg Kane, but I fink little bruvver Eccles, er I mean Able, has got nearer to bein saved."

Den Kane he got very wrathfull and he smote little Able. Dat means Able got deaded.

Now dis is only an old storry, and aint very rellevant todday, but I has noticed three odd things todday, Bosco dere, and I was wonderin if you could advise me.

1. Dere was a snake in my bed last nihgt and I dont remember puttin him dere.
2. I opened de cubbpoard just now to get out a saints statue to kiss, and out fell an ax what neerly hit me.
3. Dis is de strangest, some secrett admirer have given me some sweeties. I don't know dem, is dey any good?