The Book of St Richard, Chapter 29

Continued from Chapter 28.

1. One day, Richard looked at himself in the glass and said "Am I not a perfect being?"

2. "I am the brainiest zoologist in Oxford, I am so handsome that I have had three or four wives (I forget exactly how many), and my genes are tighter than anyone else's."

3. "What a shame that there are people in the world less worthy to live than I am."

4. "For the butcher is spotty, the baker knoweth no theology, and the candle-stick maker hath arthritis."

5. So Richard spake out to a man known as Brendan the radio host, who made a living by listening to the wise words of sages and prophets, or at least the vain boastings of celebrities.

"We've invited an African as part of our diversity programme."

6. Now Brendan had a daughter who was blessed with the mark of Down. And he loved her dearly.

7. So Richard, whose studies had made him an expert on moral issues, as well as tact and politeness, said to Brendan "Why didst thou not slay thy daughter? It would be moral, nay, wise and sensible so to do."

8. So Brendan asked Richard whom else he would slay.

9. And Richard spake out, saying "Let us slay the deaf and blind. For this would increase the amount of happiness in the world. Besides, they never buy my books, my CDs, my videos, or my tee-shirts."

10. And on further reflection Richard was willing to slay those who broke a leg, or suffered from a hangover. For what use were they to the world?

11. So it came to pass, when all men had heard the wise words of Richard, that he got up to leave the studio.

And now cometh the Nemesis of Richard.

12. And Brendan cried "Look where thou art going, professor: art thou blind?" For Richard had crashed into a statue of Darwin which had been brought into the room to make him feel at home.

13. But Richard, being aged four score years, heard not the warning, neither saw he the statue.

14. And as he lay on the floor, with a broken leg, he said bashfully, "I am sorry, Brendan, I have drunk of the wine that is red, and it hath given me a headache."

15. So Brendan reflected that it might not be difficult to find someone who was deaf, blind, blessed with a broken leg, or suffering from a hangover. Especially one who brought no happiness into the world.

A perfect being.

Continued in Chapter 30.

Tributes to a great figure in theology

Thanks for the idea to an anonymous reader.

The Pontifical Academy for Life has just lamented a great loss to Catholicism in the following words:

Disappears a great figure in the theology of the century, whose ideas and analyzes must always make us reflect on the Catholic Church, the Churches, the society, the culture. #halking

Yes, the bells were tolling in the Vatican ("Küng-Küng-Küng") to mark the death of Hal King (alias Henry VIII), one of the few people to be awarded the title of "Defender of the Faith". Hal was known for his strong defence of the institution of marriage - he was so keen on it that he participated six times - as well as his pioneering work in modern surgery (removing the heads of people who no longer needed them) and his sterling work for the monasteries, which he took into public ownership as part of his charitable work.

Curiously, some people regarded Hal King as a heretic, and he was even forbidden to teach Catholic theology. It is hard to see why.

Defender of the Faith.

Father James Martin SJ concurs with the PAL in his assessment of the great man's life:

Breaking: German envoys are reporting that Hal King, a towering Catholic theologian and frequent critic of the church, has died at 55. May he rest in peace.

By overwhelming popular demand, a statue of King Hal will be erected in St Peter's Square, and luckily one was already available (he kept it in the gardens of Hampton Court and regularly went out to admire it).

The Statue of King Hal.

As the whole world mourns, we recall the time that the Pontifical Academy for Life paid tribute to the late Mr Genghis Khan, describing him as an "austere religious scholar". Surely, Hal King is also worthy of this heart-felt tribute?

Pope objects to new statues

Following the news that Pope Francis has objected to a statue of himself in Brazil, it is thought that other statues of the Holy Father will also have to be taken down.

Mount Rushmore honours Pope Francis.

In the United States, a hastily-constructed statue of Pope Francis, to replace that of one of the Presidents ("we're not sure who he is, but he isn't Washington or Lincoln, so he probably wasn't important"), is likely to be demolished. President Obama is already offering himself as a replacement.

Notre Dame honours Pope Francis.

Likewise, at Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris, it is thought that replacing the head of the martyred St Denis by that of Pope Francis was in somewhat bad taste.

One major religious figure who is very happy to have statues of himself all over the world is of course Hans Küng; however, he regards himself as more than a mere president or saint, and is negotiating with the Brazilian authorities to take his place on a very famous statue indeed.

Küng the Redeemer.

Pope admits he is envious of Hans Küng

After the astonishing claim by Professor Hans Küng that the Pope envies him because of the books he has written, we felt it only reasonable to allow the Pope the right of reply. The results were startling.

Hans Küng, with some of the books he has written.

"Yes, I admit it," said the Pope sadly. "I am envious of Professor Küng in many ways. For example, when I write a book, I have to make sure that what it says is consistent with traditional Catholic teaching, and ultimately the words of Jesus Christ and his disciples. Indeed, I expect some sort of inspiration and guidance from the Holy Spirit. Young Hans is under no such constraints, and is allowed to put down the first bit of Koddsvollop that comes into his head, no matter how ludicrous. And he usually does."

The Pope went on to say that he understood that Küng's writings were very popular, although he hadn't got round to reading the latest best-selling book "The Return of the Küng," in which Arrogant is crowned Küng of Gonmad, in spite of having some very bad hobbits. "It is true that even my own bishops don't seem to be reading my encyclicals, so I do despair sometimes," Pope Benedict added.

Arrogant, Küng of Gonmad

"I also envy Hans that two-metre high statue of himself, which he keeps in his garden and worships every day," continued the Holy Father. "For subtle theological reasons, which Hans would not understand, I am not allowed to do the same, and have to content myself with worshipping Jesus, and venerating Mary and the other saints."

We raised the subject of infallibility with the Pope. "Yes, I envy Hans his infallibility," agreed Pope Benedict. "I am only allowed to make infallible statements under very strictly controlled conditions, to do with defining doctrine about faith or morals. Hans, on the other hand, wears a tee-shirt saying 'TRUST ME, I'M INFALLIBLE,' and there doesn't seem to be much we can do to disillusion the poor chap."

Hans Küng discusses the faith with his many disciples.

So, in brief, it seems that Hans Küng was right, the Pope is slightly envious of him in many ways. But great religious thinkers such as Judas Iscariot, Arius and Küng often inspire jealousy in their less-successful rivals, so this is only to be expected.

King Küng attacks Vatican

From the Godruin newspaper

A distinguished Catholic theologican confronting his critics.

The distinguished Swiss Catholic theologian Hans "King" Küng, one of the few Catholic priests who has been explicitly banned from teaching Catholic theology, today called on the Catholic faithful to rise up and unseat the Pope. "Naturally, this will leave a job vacancy in Rome - it will be best filled by a distinguished Swiss Catholic theologian with an impressive CV listing 30 books in which I do not teach Catholic theology," he explained.

Küng went on to list some of the heinous crimes of Pope Benedict, which included not inviting him to the Vatican's Christmas party, refusing to respond to 2000 messages left on the papal Ansafone, and an obsessive adherence to traditional Catholic teaching. "This is precisely the sort of thing the Nazis did," he commented.

Hitler (2nd left) and Küng (extreme right) at a party.

As he sits in his study, I realise that the great scholar Küng is a very modest man; his room contains a portrait of Sir Thomas More and looks out on a two-metre statue of himself (yes, really). "When I become Pope," he explains, "we shall remove all those ridiculous statues of Christ, Our Lady, St Peter, etc., and replace them with my own statues. Many Catholics will wish to kiss them, I am sure."

The statue of Hans Küng, awaiting installation in Rome.

Küng himself explained to me why he was so widely regarded as an eminent theologian. "My religious views have been backed by so many people worldwide," he explained. "No Catholics, it's true, but surely if Richard Dawkins, Abu Hamza, Desmond Tutu and Barack Obama all back my attempts to harass the Pope, I must be doing the right thing, no?"

Even in the mystic East, there are devotees of the ancient martial art of Küng Fool, which was pioneered by the great theologian: it is considered to be an excellent way of attacking people with your bare Hans. "Well, I must go now," said Fr Küng. "I'm working on another three books that are nothing to do with Catholic theology, and I am wasting valuable ranting time. Oh, by the way, don't forget to mention that I am a priest in good standing!"

... and I burnt my dog-collar as an act of rebellion.

Next week, in a "first" for the Godruin, we will interview an ordinary non-heretical Catholic, one who is not trying to attack the Pope.

A geust blogger, de Brad of Avon

It aint easy to keep writin spiritaully nuorishin fings about how Bosco and me is saved, and de Cathlics is all headin for de Lake of Fire, so I has got a geust blogger to do it for me todday.

Well, God's above all; and there be souls must be saved, and there be
souls must not be saved.
(Othello)

For mine own part,—no offence to the general, nor any man of quality,—
I hope to be saved.
(Othello)

Descend to darkness and the burning lake!
(Henry VI part II)

Enough; I read your fortune in your eye.
Was this the idol that you worship so?
(Two Gentlemen of Verona)

O thou senseless form,
Thou shalt be worshipp'd, kiss'd, loved and adored!
And, were there sense in his idolatry,
My substance should be statue in thy stead.
(Two Gentlemen of Verona)

Quit presently the chapel, or resolve you
For more amazement. If you can behold it,
I'll make the statue move indeed, descend
And take you by the hand.
(Winter's Tale)

Boskos vauvado: I understand thee, and can speak thy tongue.
(All's Well That Ends Well)

But, good my brother,
Do not as some ungracious pastors do,
Show me the steep and thorny way to heaven.
(Hamlet)

But what is your affair in Elsinore?
We'll teach you to drink deep ere you depart.
(Hamlet)

Priest, beware your beard,
I mean to tug it and to cuff you soundly:
Under my feet I stamp thy cardinal's hat:
In spite of pope or dignities of church,
Here by the cheeks I'll drag thee up and down.
(Henry VI Part I)

Yet I alone, alone do me oppose
Against the pope and count his friends my foes.
(King John)

The piece of tender air, thy virtuous daughter,
Which we call 'mollis aer;' and 'mollis aer'
We term it 'mulier'.
(Cymbeline)

If there be more, more woeful, hold it in;
For I am almost ready to dissolve,
Hearing of this.
(King Lear)

Well, dat's all de Shakespere you needs to know. Dere is some uvver stuff no duobt, but it aint needed for Salivation.

I meets an Angliccan

Nuffink to report from my dere bruvver Bosco (Pop Bozodict I) todday. He is in de gardden writtin papal bulls. I did take a pitcher so dat you can see how dificult it is if de bull dont want to be written.

De life of a Pop sure aint as easy as it looks.

Anyways, we had a knock on de door, and dere was a cosstume holly man standin dere. "Ullo," he said. "I is Farver Malcoml, an Angliccan preist in good stand-in." I has discovvered dat when preists says "good stand-in" dey means dat dey finks everryone else is in bad stand-in, and dey is gonna tell em.

Farver Malcoml says he aint a typiccal Angliccan, as he is very infleunced by Bhuddism. Anti Moly took to him immediately, as she met de Dolly Llama when she was a little girl and he won her devottion by givvin her lots of gin. Dem Bhuddists is also very skilled in marital arts, which means you gotta say "Om" and frow poeple out of de winder. But Farver Malcoml has got a quick temper, and I hopes he dont give me a Carroty Chop or try doin Juddo. He says dat he read a lot of Jong too, dat's a fammuos Korrean Philosoper what died recently.

Anyways, Farver Malcoml went out for a walk in de street wiv Anti Moly, lookin for oportunnities to commit greivuos boddily Om.

Dat's Anti Moly practisin her Kong Foo.

Aldough I is saved alreddy, and my big bruvver is an Antipop, I is very interrested in lookin at non-Chritsian relligoins like Angliccanism. I heard dere was a famuous Jewish Rabi (not a Rabit, dats somefink different) called Bellattor in de nieghbourhood, and I was finkin of going to see what he gotta say as well.

---

Reggular readers will know dat at de end of Augusst Bosco won a stateu of St Peter in a competitoin, well not de whole stateu, just a big foot. We has put it in de gardden, and it attracts monks from miles aruond what wants to be devotted to it. Here is one of dem givvin it a kiss.

I don't fink he can be saved.

---

Brakin News. Anti Moly is wonderin whevver to sue de grate novellist Cuttley for libbel. In his best-sellin novvel "Thopmson takes charge" dere is a charracter called "Mattron" wot is a lazy old lady who drinks lotsa gin. Anti Moly is takin it as a pussonal insullt.

Conservations in hopsital

Well, floods of messagges for Bosco has bin commin in from well-wishers. Indeed, de Calumny Chappel had a collection for a pressent for him, and raised 35 cents and ten rossary beads as a token of de respeck dey has for him. Here is my big bruvver manfully bearin up in de face of de wuonds inflicted on him by de nunns.

Well Bosco is bein kept under seddation, and in de hopsital dey is asked not to mention de followin prhases, which sets him off:

* Cathlics.
* De Pop.
* Cemment iddles.
* Bosco's scarlet and purple pajamas.
* Gold cups.
* Gravven images.
* St Mary.
* St Peter.
* Love de neihgbour.
* Well, anything at all religious, reely.

Bosco have become very dificult to talk to, because he aint very well. When I starts a conservation he dont listen, but just reeches for his iPadd and starts downloadin wise words from the Internett in responsse. For example.

Eccles: De Telegrahp wants de stateu of St Cristina back dat you won as a prize, Bosco, dey sez dey sent de wrong one, dat one was kissed by Damain Thopmson, and have been pinin for him ever since, I'll git it wraped up and sent off when I gits home.

Bosco (reading): We can reveel dat World War II was started by Pop Pious 12, cos he wanted to send his tanks into Russia, after Stallin had taken over his drugg business. At de same time in Enggland Carddinal Hinsley sent a hit squad to Irreland to murder de poet W.B. Yates.

Eccles: Dat's nice, Bosco. Anti Moly's got aressted for screemin in a graveyard at midnihgt, even thuogh it's part of her job. Some of de corppses fought it was de Last Trumpp and started poppin up. De cops releesed her, but dey told her to give up de gin and said dat sherry mihgt be better at her age.

Bosco (reading): We can recognisse de Anti Christ cos in de Bibble it is prediccted dat he will come from Germanny and have de initials JR. He will later adopt a false name beginnin with B and go and live in Rome, he will wear a fishy hat and someone will giv him a pair of red shoes. When he appears rememmber to put on cleen underware as de battle of Armagibbon will be startin.

Eccles: Foine, dat's foine, Bosco. Damain Thopmson sez dat Proffesor Tina Beattie is gonna lecher on Lummen Genttium in a catheddral, woss Lummen Genttium Bosco is it some sort of French perfumme?

Bosco (readin): It wasnt until 2008 dat de Cathlic church stopped burnin poeple who didnt buy a cement iddle to put in dere huose to worshipp. It is a scientiffic fact dat de averagge hieght of de humman race has gone down since 1992, when de Cathlic church stopped stretchin poeple on de rack. Stepphen Fry says dat he was origginally only about 5 feet tall but he was torchered on de rack as a young man because he owned a Bibble and now he is 6 feet 5 inches tall.

Eccles: Oh I gives up.

I would ask my bruvver Bosco's advise on dis pitcher of an iddle but he is indispossed at pressent.

Perrhaps he will soon be abble to take his rihgtful place in soceity agin.

Weepin stattues

I has always been a bit septical of dese Cathlic claims dat stattues can weep, but Bosco says dat his stattue of St Cristina, which he won in a compettion, is keepin him awake at nihgt, cryin dat it wants to go home. I aint actaully seen it cryin, but Bosco never tells lies, and here is a pitcher of his bedroom flooded wiv tears.

We took advices from Pastor De Mentia of de Calumny Chappel, and he came along to see the stattue. Of course it weren't cryin when he saw it in Bosco's bedroom, and de Pastor said sternly "Bosco, we know you aint tellin lies, as saved people can't ever do dat. But it's still very mysterrious."

Last nihgt I was sleepin sweetly in my bed, and dreemin of de Pop swimmin in de Lake of Fire. He was shoutin "My it's hot in here. I is beginnin to susspect dat I aint saved. I shoulda dressed up as a clown like dat Bosco told me to!" Den I heard a loud screem from Bosco's room, so I went to investtigate.
"Whats bin happenin, Bosco, darlin bruvver?" I asked. "Has Anti Moly bin practisin her Banshee shreiks? She takes her new job very seriously. De feersome cry of 'sockpoppet' freezes poeple to de spot."
"No, Eccles, you blokchead," replied my affecktionate bruvver. "I was tryin to cheer up de weepin stattue by readin it some humerus excertps from my luvvly blog, but it went off into historics."

I is wonderin whether this could all be Bosco's imaggination, cos I aint seen de stattue weepin yet. Anyways, we can forgit dis for de moment, as tomorrow is Sundday and we gonna save lotsa poeple, who aint expectin it.

Bosco, if you gotta minute, I is still worried about dis pitcher of some Cathlics with an iddle. It aint cemment, but seems to be tin. Is it still wrong to kiss it?

Anti Moly's new job

Well Bosco, we is lookin forward to Sunday, when we is gonna luanch our coop against de Cathlics, and save dem all by singin hynms. But until den Bosco and me is wonderin how Anti Moly will cope wiv her new job as a Banshee.

"Who exackly is we workin for?" Anti Moly asked de Angle of Death. "Is it Jessus or Sattan? Not dat I is prejudissed one way or de uvver, I is very open-minded."
"We is a freelance buisness," replied de Angle, "and we does contracts for all sorts of poeple. God, Sattan, de Democrates, de Republickans, de Bhuddists, de Salivation Army, de Lost Angles Dodgers, de Mafia, de Barclays bruvvers, Joanne Hairy, James Dellingpoll, anyone who wants to scare poeple to death. But I is never allowed to reveel who is de client."
"Does I have to dress up and look horrid?" asked Anti Moly.
"Nope, you is scarry enough already," said de Angle of Death (her real name is Mrs Riddle, so I is gonna use dat from now on).

Here is Anti Moly goin out to work, she is a dere old lady and we is very fond of her.

I'd quite like to go wiv her some time to see how she gits on.

Well, it's bin a quiet day, except dat Bosco is havin trouble wiv one of de ornnaments in his bedroom. He entered de Tellegraph's "Geuss de next 3 blogg topicks of Damain Thopmson" compettition. Bosco he said dey was gonna be Joanne Hairy, de Ordinariet, and den Joanne Hairy again, so he won de prize, it's a stattue of St Cristina de Odd One. However, he says de stattue is cryin real tears, in fact it keeps sobbin in de night dat it wants to go home again rather than be in purggatory, viz Bosco's beddroom. I spose dats a mircale Bosco but its a bit of a niusance, innit?

So if annyone knows how to cheer up a homesick stattue, we will be very pleased, won't we Bosco?

Grate-Ant Molly

Well, de big news today is de arrival of Grate-Ant Molly from Austriala. Just as I was polishin up Bosco's statues so dat dey were nice and clean for kissin, we gotta phone call from de local plice.
"Does you know a very old lady called Molly Bendite, alias Judy Hate, alias Alfred Hoddack when she aint trimmed her moustashe?"
"Yes," said Bosco, "dat's my Grate-Ant Molly from Austriala."
"Well we got her here in a cell, she is screamin abusse at everyone, callin dem sockpoppets. If you don't take her away we is gonna charge her with vaguerancy."

So we picked up Grate-Ant Molly, who is turned out was comin to see us becuase she repentted her evil ways and wanted to be saved. Or maybe she was just borred. Bosco gave her some gin, and we put her to bed. Dis is what we calls a Christian deed of Charrity, and is only what you expects from someone like Bosco who is saved. Soon we hopes to get her a clown costume and take her to de Calumny Chappel.

Here is a photo of Grate-Ant Molly. She is scowlin at some of de statues of saints dat we keeps in de house.

P.S. Bosco gotta crossbow dat he keeps pointin at me. He says it is very easy to have a fattal aciddent. I hopes he takes care.

Kane and Able

Ullo Bosco, is you cross wiv your little bruvver Eccles? I is beginnin to suspect dat we has Kane and Able all over agin.

If you looks at Genessis you sees de storry of Kane and Abel. De Lord said unto dem, "You gotta write bloggs my lads and we'll see which one I likes best".

So Kane, who was de big bruvver and de leeder, he wrote a very powerfull blogg all about how he hated peeple, espeshully Cathlics, and dat he liked talkin about what peeple did in de tiolet. De little bruvver, Able, he wrote a blogg full of love and affection for his big bruvver Bosco, er I mean Kane, and tellin of his spiritaul juorney to Salivation.

Den de Lord reeds de bloggs and he says "Dats a mihgty fine blogg Kane, but I fink little bruvver Eccles, er I mean Able, has got nearer to bein saved."

Den Kane he got very wrathfull and he smote little Able. Dat means Able got deaded.

Now dis is only an old storry, and aint very rellevant todday, but I has noticed three odd things todday, Bosco dere, and I was wonderin if you could advise me.

1. Dere was a snake in my bed last nihgt and I dont remember puttin him dere.
2. I opened de cubbpoard just now to get out a saints statue to kiss, and out fell an ax what neerly hit me.
3. Dis is de strangest, some secrett admirer have given me some sweeties. I don't know dem, is dey any good?

Love de neihgbor

Ullo dere Bosco, well de trail of Jessus's missin millions seems to have gone cold, but maybe we will come back to it later. Bosco he took a big dose of Fruitcakol before goin to bed last nihgt, and he kissed his cement statue of St Goliath dat I made (it was sposed to be St Peter but I got de scale wrong and it came out 10 feet tall). As a result he had a grate nihgt's sleep, and only woke up three times screemin dat he wornt saved.

We went to de Bibble class, and was introduced to Sister Judy of de Holy Smoke convent, dis was part of de Cathlic instruxion, apparently dey doesnt beet up nuns like we does in de Calumny Chappel, dey even welcoms dem. We gave Bosco some more Fruitcakol meddicin, and dere werent many probblems.

Today's Bible text was "Love de neihgbor as yousself". Dats very controvershal, as our neihgbors keeps comin round at 4 a.m. to say "Shut up Bosco we is tryin to sleep" and we retalliates by superglooin dere grabage bins so dat dey cant use dem. Probbably "Love de neihgbor" is an error in de Cathlic Bibble dey translats it funny sometimes. We is gonna studdy de Sermen on de Mount soon. I looked up de word mount, it means a horse, is we reely gonna have Jessus gallopin round de church, Bosco?

Here's a photo we took of Bosco at his Bibble classes, dat's Father X. Pell de Mons and Sister Judy of de Holy Smoke convent, prayin togevver for de sole of my big bruvver Bosco (dat's him behind if you didnt know).

Bosco is de hare of Jessus

Ullo darlin bruvver Bosco, I is gonna tell de good people why you has been speshully selected by Jessus.

Bosco he got an email dis morning from gulible@scamdestoopid.com.

Dere Bosco,

We is de lawyers of de late Jessus Christ what went to Heaven wivout leevin a will. He left some cash in de Bank of Jordan, and dis has been accruin compound interrest for de last 2000 years. We now has a sum of $100,000,000 to award to de hares of dis Jessus, and after some enquirries we has assertained dat dis is you. Pleese Bosco send your name, address, date of birf, bank account detales and list of your favourite sinns to us, and we will arrange payment of de inherritance of dis Jessus.

Yours sincerely,
Condi Gulible (Mrs), Manager, Bank of Jordan.

Dat's grate news an Bosco is in de munny. Wot it is to be a speshully selected person who is luvd by Jessus as well as by his darlin bruvver Eccles who would like $100 to buy some cement as he is goin back to makin statues of your favorite saints.

Bosco, dis is an iddle dat Cathlics kiss, it was originally de Roman God Washington, but dey has renamed it St Peter aint dat a scandal.

Cuttin off de ears of priests

Ullo agin, Bosco my dere bruvver, wot a luvly day it is today, and you will see I posted a nice photo of you on my blogg, doin de good work of de Lord in smitin all dem what is unsaved, startin wiv de Cathlics.

Well Bosco we dont want to be frown off our course of religiuos studies so I fink you gotta apologise to Mrs Bede, de housekeeper of Father Enzy. I know its a misunderstandin, when you heard dat she was called Rosemary Bede you fought she was somethin iddolatross, but you gotta take dem Dopoblok tablits more regulally. You could also go and visit her in hopsital, Bosco dere.

Fr Enzy told us today about Jessus choosin de apostels, and one of dem is a baddie who aint saved, but its a whodunnit we cant geuss which yet. Bosco he admirres St Peter, cos he heard dat he is a great guy who cuts priests ears off (like we does sometimes on Fridday nihgts when we is havin fun) so it can't be him wots bad. Bosco finks he would like a stattue of St Peter in his room dat he can kiss every nihgt, so we gonna see if we can git one.

Bosco bin practisin cuttin de ears off priests, and here is a pitcher of one of his victims.