Anglican Church to pay 1 zillion pounds compensation

Justin Welby, Archbishop of Canterbury, announced today that the Anglican Church would finally be compensating the Catholic Church to the extent of 1 zillion pounds for the hardship, damage and looting that took place during the Reformation. He also apologised for the Reformation's "deliberate actions to destroy diverse Catholic religious belief systems" (yes, he really talks like that - I changed only one word).

It's a deal!

It is thought that this money will be used in two ways:

1. To make all people whose ancestors were Catholics rich beyond the dreams of avarice, even though they personally did nothing to deserve it.

2. To bail out the Catholic Church in England so that it can finally build some half-decent churches.

Arthur Roche tucks into a celebratory snack!

Vincent Nichols, Cardinal Archbishop of Westminster, has welcomed the offer but said "In fact we are holding out for 1 squillion pounds, so that all descendants of Catholics can become quite disgustingly rich without doing anything to deserve it. Also, we want decent churches, not half-decent churches."

Not even a half-decent cathedral, unfortunately.

There had been some suggestions that the Catholic Church could take over some of the churches and cathedrals nationalized in the 16th century, but it was pointed out that these are now used mainly for crazy golf, helter-skelters, dinosaur exhibits and discos, and it would be difficult to return them to religious worship.

Peterborough Cathedral (with the tomb of Catherine of Aragon) is now a dinosaur museum.

LATE NEWS: The Lutherans are very sorry about Martin Luther, and they wish they'd chosen to call themselves after someone else.

Church of England apologises for temporary lapse into Christianity

Yes, I thought of that title before Father Z did...

Following a special emergency meeting between the Archbishops of Canterbury and York, the Church of England has apologised for a statement made last week pointing out that for Christians the proper context for sexual activity is marriage between a man and a woman for life.

"It was a temporary lapse," explained their Graces. "We normally reject any teaching that originates earlier than the 16th century, when our blessed founder Henry VIII told us what to believe. But everyone was away that day, and the C of E was temporarily being directed by a teenage intern who somehow obtained access to a Bible."

"All we can say is that we experimented with Christianity, but now that the Guardian has complained, we are happy to back down. Our main activities continue to be investment in profitable companies and providing funfairs in our cathedrals. Oh, and nice cosy Evensongs."

"Giles Fraser is furious!"

The statement issued by Welby and Sentamu continued with the usual obligatory bishopese when moral issues need to be discussed: "...building bridges... difficult conversations... on the one hand... on the other hand... in a very real sense... two sides to every question... division and hurt... more tea, vicar?... we welcome all beliefs and none... a broad church... we don't want to preach at you... it is 2020 you know..."

Speculation is mounting that the intern's approval of the Ten Commandments may also have to be withdrawn. "If we have to stick to 'Thou shalt not steal' someone is going to ask us to hand all our charming churches back to the Catholics. If we are not allowed to bear false witness, then Justin's comments about 'a cloud hanging over the reputation of Bishop Bell' might need to be retracted."

Support from an unexpected quarter...

For the Catholics, Cardinal Marx has rushed to confirm that the German Church (whatever that may be) has long since realised that Christian teaching is unsuitable for the modern era. "We are happy to bless all sexual relationships," he explained. "Different-sex, same-sex, those in which partners are non-binary, insects..."

Our reporter asked "Do you mean incest?"

"No, insects," explained the good cardinal. "A lot of German Catholics like to make love while self-identifying as giant insects. Who are we to judge, provided that they pay their church tax?"

A pious German Catholic.

Anglicans and Catholics agree to unite

Following very friendly discussions between Pope Francis and Justin Welby, Archbishop of Canterbury, it has been decided that the time has come for the Anglicans and Catholics to recognise that there are no real differences between them, and so to re-unite.

"That's agreed then. You take Tina Beattie off our hands, and we'll take Giles Fraser."

Initially, the joint statement from the pope and archbishop was going to be an admission of defeat, namely:

1. We promise to stop burning and beheading each other 
from now on.
2. We shall carry on disagreeing about almost everything.
3. Er...
4. That's it. How about a cup of tea?

An early attempt at Catholic-Protestant dialogue.

However, a deeper search for possible common ground revealed the following points of agreement:

1. Some Catholics think women should be ordained. 
So do some Anglicans.

2. Some Catholics are happy with same-sex marriage, 
including for priests. So are some Anglicans.

3. Some Catholics are atheists. So are some Anglicans.

4. Some Catholics are fine with abortion. 
So are some Anglicans.

5. Some Catholics are demented lunatics with no 
moral principles whatsoever. So are some Anglicans.

"So you'll wear the white vestments this week, and then next week it's my turn."

As for the liturgical differences that some commentators thought an insuperable barrier to union... well, clown masses, bad vestments, puppets, skateboards, communion in plastic cups, hymns that sound like bad pop songs, children sitting on the altar, balloons, masses where pets are invited, and fancy dress... are all welcome in any church. Or so it seems.

"Just remind me. Am I a Catholic, a Protestant, or a family entertainer?

So that's all right, then.

Christian elected as party leader shock horror

The news that Tim Farron, an Anglican, has been elected as party leader of the Liberal Democrats has sent waves of horror through the media. Why couldn't they follow the lead of the deeply sensitive Labour party, which was seriously considering electing cuddly Jeremy Corbyn, a simple socialist with links to extremism and terrorism? No, the Lib Dems had decided to abandon all hopes of electoral success by going for a God-botherer, the sort of chap who believed in sky fairies and ideas invented by bronze-age goatherds (etc. etc. etc.) WAS THAT RIGHT? I MEAN, WAS THAT RIGHT?

Tim Farron... or a renegade Time Lord?

John Humphrys, doyen of the Today programme, is in no doubt that Farron should quit politics, and preferably hang himself. "These Christians, we know what they're like. They kneel down in churches, asking God for guidance, rather than simply getting it from the Guardian, as the rest of us do. They read the Bible - well, some of them do - as if it could possibly contain something relevant to modern life."

It was pointed out that David Cameron also describes himself as a Christian. "Yes, but he's the right sort of Christian. He doesn't let his religious beliefs affect his actions in the slightest. You wouldn't catch him letting his conscience get in the way of what was politically expedient."

Should atheists be allowed to deny God on Radio 4?

Then we mentioned to Mr Humphrys that his colleague Giles Fraser was also a Christian, in fact a professional "man in a dress" , alleged to have a spiritual life outside his metropolitan Guardianista activities. "Really? Are you sure of that? I would never have guessed. Why, he's a good BBC man. How can he possibly be a Christian?"

Over at Channel 4, the channel set up to promote sexual deviancy (in the days before we realised that the BBC was already doing this, even when not asked to), Cathy Newman took over the attack. "What do we know about Christians? (Thumbs through Channel 4 guide to religion.) Oh yes, they're obsessed by sex. Eh? What's wrong with that? Oh I see, they hate sex. If they had their way sex would be illegal. Obviously, Tim Farron is trying to make the human race die out by stopping us all from having sex. And most of all Christians hate homosexuals. Why do we never see Tim Farron on Gay Pride marches? Is he letting his beliefs influence his beliefs? Er, I mean... Anyway, we never had this trouble with the Satanic Fire-worshipper who was on last week."

Cathy Newman rejects the ideals of her kinsman John Henry Newman.

Tim Farron remains defiant. "I'm only an Anglican," he retorted. "It's not as if I had really controversial beliefs, like the Catholics! But I'm thinking of becoming a Muslim. That way the BBC and Channel 4 won't dare to criticise my faith."

All Anglican clergy to be rebranded as women

Following the Anglicans' widely-reported calls to refer to God as a woman (John Bingham is not widely-regarded as a satirist, so we must assume that this piece is serious), there have been further calls to refer to all Church of England clergy as "she".

The lovely Justine Welby, Archbishopess of Canterbury.

Referring to God as "Our Mother" may be regarded as controversial, and would involve a rewriting of the Lord's - er, Lady's - prayer in terms such as "Our Mother, who art in Heaven, Holly be thy name, ..." No such difficulties are seen in deeming all Anglican clergy to be female: as one commentator said, "They're all a bunch of old women, anyway. Besides, atheists are used to referring to them as 'men in dresses', so if we decide that they are 'women in dresses', then this instantly demolishes a powerful anti-clerical argument."

Bishop Libby gives a blessing.

Deeming all clergymen to be female will also be in keeping with the Spirit of the Age (which is an Anglican cousin of the Spirit of Vatican II), for the married males will suddenly find themselves in same-sex partnerships, which can only be a good thing. Ask Father Gerry O'Morrah of the Irish Catholic Church to explain this to you.

Mother Giles Fraser has declared herself "delighted" with her statutory change in sex; it has always been a disappointment to her that she has been unable to identify herself fully with the "gay marriage" community, being married to a woman and being the father of kids.

N.B. While researching this article (oh yes, we did) we discovered that "Giles" is derived from the Greek αιγιδιον (aigidion) meaning "young goat". So "kids" is the right word.

"Why do the sheep go on the right and the goats on the left, anyway?"

Why Michael Coren is wrong

Dear Michael Coren,

As the publishers of your book Why Catholics are right, we have received with perplexity the news that you have left the Catholic Church (again), and have signed up for the Anglican Church of Canada.

This would seem like a golden opportunity to revise your brilliant book, and the first task is to find a new title. Do you prefer Why Catholics are wrong or Why Canadian Anglicans are right? We suspect that the first title will sell more copies, as nobody really cares what the Canadian Anglicans believe, if, in fact they believe anything at all.

We won't pulp our remaining stock, in case you change your mind again.

Getting down to details, now, we wonder what edits will be needed to update the book. Here are a few suggestions.

OLD: The Virgin Mary is really cool, don't you think? Respect for her is a sign that we respect all women.

NEW: Anne Boleyn is really cool, don't you think? Certainly worth founding a church for!

Our founder loved her so much that he cut her head off.

OLD: The Spanish Inquisition wasn't that bad, you know. The French Revolution was far worse.

NEW: The Canadian Anglican Inquisition wasn't that bad, you know. In fact they mainly went around cutting down trees.

Nobody expects the Canadian Anglican Inquisition!

OLD: Christ said that marriage should be between a man and a woman. And we Catholics think He was probably right.

NEW: If it's one things we Anglicans believe in, it's equal wedding cakes for all.

Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man. Bake me a cake OR I'LL RUIN YOU.

There will doubtless be more substantial changes required, but I hope that these suggestions meet with your general approval.

Yours sincerely,

Fred Apostate,
Managing Director, Apostate and Heretic Books.

P.S. You are still one of our best-selling comic authors!

Why don't Anglicans go to church on Sundays?

Many sages, including the Anglican Archdruid Eileen and the Catholic Fr Longenecker, have wondered why Anglicans don't like to go to church on Sundays. After all, wouldn't you expect Janet and John Anglican to leap out of bed on a Sunday morning, with a dialogue something like the following?

Come on... no need for everyone to sit at the back!

"Hurrah! It's the 21st Sunday after Trinity today! Let's rush down to St Tharg's for Morning Prayer!"

"Hey, we've got a simply great Collect today. We're going to beseech God to grant us pardon and peace; that we may be cleansed from all our sins, and serve Him with a quiet mind!"

"Splendid! I'm fed up with serving Him with a noisy mind! What's the Epistle?"

"A good solid chunk of Ephesians, dear. Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth..."

"Yes, I'm just putting on my trousers. Anything interesting in the Gospel?"

"Yes, Jesus meets a certain nobleman, whose son is sick at Capernaum."

"Does He heal the son?"

"Oh... you've heard that one before!"

"Nothing but repeats... let's not bother."

Jesus heals the hypochondriac by giving him two aspirins.

As it happens I do occasionally find myself in an Anglican service. The last time, it was indeed a Matins (which seems to have the advantage that there is no Kiss of Peace, even if there's not much spiritual nourishment either). The priest started chatting about something else - I think it was the fact that he had a sore throat - and then hastily turned to the "liturgy" and said "I suppose we'd better say this bit" before getting down to the script. Yes he did.

To be fair, he preached a rather good sermon - far better than many Catholic sermons I've heard, and probably just as orthodox. I can't remember what it was about, but that's fine. You're not supposed to remember. If you do, how can the priest use the same sermon next year?

The classic way to make sermons more interesting.

The hymns... well, they were be produced by the I'm Sorry, I haven't a Clue team. In other words, we had unfamiliar words sung to the tunes of familiar hymns. I think the problem is that old (traditional) hymns are no longer considered acceptable - especially not ones about God smiting sinners - and so we have to have anodyne rubbish about how we welcome God's Light in when we're brushing our teeth.

This was a small village church, with a congregation of about 15. Afterwards, we went out and threw bricks through the windows of everyone who hadn't turned up. No, actually I made that bit up. However, it might have been better if the priest was in the habit of knocking on doors, saying "We haven't seen you in church lately, Mr Mohammed; have you been unwell?" Who knows what might have happened?

The St Tharg's Press Gang drags in a reluctant worshipper.

Eccles adopts an angel

In the past, dis blogg has encouraged poeple to adopt cradinals, deacons, and even pops, all of which needs our help on occasoins. However, we was astuonded to hear from our slightly-saved but very rood and norty friend Mundabor that we now needs to adopt angles.

Ullo, Eccles, you is my gaurdian human!

Apparently, Man is no longer lower than the angles, at least according to a telephone conversatoin that Pop Francis may have had with an angle, and so we gotta forget Pslam 8:5, Herbews 2:7, and the rest, and become de gaurdian humans of angles.

Pussonally I always confuses angles wiv Anglicans, cos I read in a history book (1066 and all that) that Pop Gregory said that some kids was Non Angeli, sed Anglicani. When I heard about this adoptoin scheme I was scared that I might get Giles Fraser to adopt (and be woken up every mornin by him doin his silly bit on the Today program), but in the end it came out OK, and now I got a luvvly young creecher called Angela sleepin in the spare room. She's thinkin of startin a blogg called "On the side of the humans".

Is these angles? Not sure where the wings is.

Adoptin angles is reely very easy, as they doesn't eat anything, and they will often help with the housework. One night a week they goes off and has a Heavenly Choir Practice - and they does spend a lot of time in the bathroom, singin Hosannas as they wash their wings etc. But you gets used to that.

Angela also likes dancing on the heads of pins.

P.S. Sorry if the spellin aint up to its usual standrad this week. My secretarry, Ecclesiis, went off in a hough when Angela moved in, and we aint yet found a replaicement.