Brexodus 21 - Bosis departeth from EUgypt

Continued from Chapter 20.

1. In the last month of the fourth year, Bosis returned as leader of the children of Bri-tain.

Bosis meeth the new Pharaoh, Ursula of Lebanon.

2. So he went back to the House of common people, whence the Squeaker known as Ber-cow had departed, and a new Squeaker, Linus the Holy, ruled in his place.

3. And now by virtue of his superior forces Bosis was able to obtain an agreement from the House of common people.

4. Thus the people of Bri-tain girded up their loins and packed up their tents, ready to leave, as they had done at least twice before.

5. And the Lord decreed that those who wished to remain in EUgypt could no longer force the people to ungird their loins and unpack their tents.

6. For there was a man named Jolyon Mammon, whose parents had named him after a place in which strangers might drink tea.

Mrs Mammon chooseth a name for her baby boy.

7. Jolyon had spent much gold in trying to stop the children of Bri-tain from leaving EUgypt.

8. But on the day of boxing the Lord spake unto him in a dream, saying "Dress in thy wife's garments, grab thy mighty club, and slay the fox that dwelleth in the garden." And Jolyon obeyed.

9. After this, he spent no more time in the courts of law, trying to hinder Bosis.

10. Meanwhile, the new Pharaoh, Ursula of Lebanon, was being plagued by Farogs and Widdy Spiders from the party of Brexodus.

11. Her uncle, the Pharaoh Juncker, had also seen them, but believed them to be a dream caused by looking too much on the wine when it was red. Although in truth, merely looking was not his real problem.

12. But Ursula of Lebanon knew that the Farog and Widdy Spider were real, and agreed finally to let the people depart.

A plague of Farogs and Widdy Spiders.

13. Thus all was ready for the people to depart on the last day of the month. But those who wished to remain tried once more to stop them.

14. For they cried in a loud voice "The Leavites are Gammons! Racists! Stupid people! We shall die in the wilderness when we can no longer feast on the leg of the frog and the very agreeable kraut that is sour."

15. And Bosis commanded the bells of Benjamin the Big to ring out in triumph on the day of departure. But it was not so, as they were being mended.

16. Nevertheless, at the eleventh hour of the last day of the first month, the children of Bri-tain marched to the banks of the Red Sea.

17. Then Bosis called for his staff (Dominic the Coming) and used it to part the waters of the Red Sea. And the children of Bri-tain crossed the sea on dry ground.

Bosis, horribly aged by the stresses of the last few months.

Continued in the Book of Covidicus.

Brexodus 18 - the end of May

Continued from Chapter 17.

1. Thus the twenty-ninth day of the third month arrived, and the waters of the Ref Sea parted; but lo! the children of Bri-tain did not depart from the land of EU-gypt as foretold by the prophets.

2. For May-sis was granted a delay unto the last day of October, a day known to the godly as the eve of all Hallows, and to the ungodly as the day of all pumpkins.

A high priest prepareth for Brexodus.

3. Thus the children of Bri-tain were told to take part in new elections to the high council of EU-gypt, and to mount upon their donkeys to visit the stations of poll.

4. And strange wonders were seen in the land, for the party that is called Brexodus won many votes, and there was a return of the plague of Farogs throughout the land; although the people were also inflicted with Cable-flies, and other pestilences.

5. And the Conservatites were deserted by all their supporters, and were greatly distressed.

A farog rejoiceth, while Anna the Chukkabug is less amused.

6. Now on the next day, while the people were still waiting for their votes to be counted, May-sis spake out with the first words she had ever spoken that delighted the children of Bri-tain.

7. "No longer shall I serve you as your leader. Instead, I shall follow that great priest Cam-aaron into the land flowing with milk, honey, speaking engagements, dinners of the chicken of rubber, and great rewards in the form of cash."

8. "Although I am not leaving just yet, for I wish to receive King Donald the Trump and feast with him one last time. For it annoyeth the Corbynites."

Finally the people see the back of May-sis.

9. Then there came a mighty rushing wind, which bore upon it dozens of men and women who wished to succeed May-sis as leader of the Conservatites.

10. The people saw the return of Bo-sis, together with the Raabi called Dominic, the Governor of Michael, Jeremiah the hunter, and many others, in number like unto the grains of sand on the beach.

11. For so many wise people wished to beat their heads against the wall of the house that is called Commons, even though they would lose their wits thereby.

Continued in Chapter 19.

The Book of Brexodus, Chapter 13

Continued from Chapter 12.

1. It came to pass that, two years after the historic day on which the children of Bri-tain had spurned the advice of Cam-aaron and voted to leave the land of EU-gypt, there was finally enacted the Law of May-sis, by which she could start the journey into the wilderness.

2. Indeed, the mighty lords and ladies, who had fought all the way to prevent the Law from passing, had given way. Yeah, even the Lords K-enoch and Man-delilah, who had received many riches from EU-gypt.

3. For the people had said, "Who needeth these lords, anyway? Shall we not cast them into the Red Sea?" Which was a good question.

4. Finally the Royal Assent was given by the all-powerful Queen herself, Elisheba*, who signed any laws that came her way.

* A gold star for anyone who knows who Elisheba was.

May-sis hath won. Or hath she?

5. Thus finally May-sis and her closest advisers, known as Cabinet, were ready to decide the exact manner of leaving EU-gypt.

6. So she summoned her ministers to a weekend in the mighty palace that is called Chequers.

7. And those who had read the stories of Agape Christi said "I know what happeneth next. Someone is murdered, and no man knoweth who did the deed."

8. However, what befell was even worse.

9. For May-sis produced her plan for the Brexodus, which was very simple:

10. The children of Bri-tain would leave the land of EU-gypt, but continue to obey its laws, pay taxes to the Pharaoh Juncker, and send slaves to work in the fields.

11. Indeed, this was to be a "very soft Brexodus", if not an "invisible Brexodus".

12. But many men were exceeding wrathful at the plan. Thus, two mighty counsellors, King David Davis and Bo-sis the son of John, decided to quit the council of May-sis.

Making a Bexodus and a Dexodus.

13. As they explained: "Our departure from thy Cabinet means that for two years thou shalt see no difference, and, when we do leave, we shall continue to serve as before."

14. But it was not to be, and King David and Bo-sis made a hard exit, and were forced to sit on the Benches of the Back, where no man's voice is ever heard.

15. And the Ukipites spake saying, "If ye leave not EU-gypt, we shall send another plague of Farogs; for they are not dead, but sleeping."

16. While some in the Toryite party cried once more, "Give us Jacob Gogg-Magogg as our leader."

17. And those who saw the plight of May-sis whispered amongst themselves, saying "She is now like unto the Manna that hath been baked too long in the rays of the sun."

Could this be the fate of May-sis, as it was of Cam-aaron?

Continued in Chapter 14

The Book of Brexodus, Chapter 10

Continued from Chapter 9

1. So Maysis took the advice of the prophets Comres, Mori and Yougov, and called an election, that she might defeat Jeremiah of the Corbynites and finally lead the children of Bri-tain out of the land of EU-gypt.

Maysis seeketh advice from the Lord of Bucket-head.

2. For her counsellors had spoken unto her, saying, "Thou art a ghastly old trout, but surely Jeremiah is even worse?"

3. "For he hath friends among such as Gerald of the Adamites, who slay the widow and the orphan; not to mention many other Terrorites."

4. "Go forth and win. Thou canst not do worse than Cam-aaron, he who is now gone to a better place. Or at least, one that pays better."

Jeremiah goeth out to meet the Maronites.

5. So Maysis wrote an epistle, that is called Manifesto, in which she promised to be Strong and Stable.

6. Although she later changed her mind, especially when she sought to raise taxes upon the old and demented,

7. And Jeremiah wrote his own epistle, in which he promised wondrous gifts to the Many and not the Few.

8. At which the Few were exceeding wrathful, as they would have to pay for them, if anyone ever did.

9. Moreover, Jeremiah was aided by an abbot called Diane, known for her skill with numbers, who explained that she would appoint seventy-six million policemen to protect the children of Bri-tain.

10. That is, everyone in Bri-tain would henceforth be a policeman, and Diane would import a few million more from the land of I-sis to make up the numbers.

And the people of Bri-tain spake, saying, "Ave, ave, ave, what is all this, then?"

11. We need not speak long of other famous men, such as Farron of the Libdemites, he who abandoned his faith on learning that that following the Lord's commandments was a vote-loser.

12. Nor on the fate of the Ukipites, who had spoken for many years saying "We must leave EU-gypt."

13. For the reply came, "Yes, the 50th article is already triggered, and now all we need to know is, who shall go forth to drink the Pharaoh Juncker under the table?"

There cometh the only man who can drink more than Juncker.

14. At last the big day came, and the children of Bri-tain voted, saying "Alas, we hate the lot of you."

15. So Maysis, she who was hated slightly less than Jeremiah, remained as the leader.

16. But she spake sweet words unto the Dupites of Ire-land, saying, "Cleave unto me, for surely ye must hate Jeremiah and his Terrorite friends." And it was so.

17. And all the Corbynites spake out with one voice. saying, "But the Dupites hate Catholics!" And the reply came back, "Well, so do you!"

A Dupite banner (on loan from Cardinal Burke).

18. And the Corbynites spake out again, saying, "Yet the Dupites love not the marriage that is gay!" And the reply came back, "Neither do thy friends the Muslimites!"

19. At this the Corbynites despaired, saying, "The people have spoken, but they have not yet demonstrated in the streets, so the result is invalid."

20. And still the clock ticked on, towards the day when May-sis must send people forth to drink with Juncker.

Continued in Chapter 11.

Catholics of the Year

The Anglican "Cranmer" blog awards a title of most inspirational (British) Christian of the Year, and this year it seems to have been combined with the Great British Bake-off, as the worthy winner is the cake-maker (or non-maker) Daniel McArthur. Other highly-commended people who have from time-to-time been mentioned on this blog are Fr Ray Blake, Dr Timothy Stanley and Sir James MacMillan.

So it seems only appropriate to award a "Catholic of the Year" title to someone who has inspired the most spiritual nourishment on this blog. The winner should probably be Pope Francis, but to avoid cries of "Is the pope actually Catholic?" we need to look further afield.

"Old Man Francis, he don't say nothing, he must know something..."

We reluctantly eliminated Cardinal Dolan at the swimsuit round (well, just before it, thank goodness), although the judges inadvertently allowed Fr James Martin SJ to compete in his mankini. Two of them are still in intensive care, as a result.

Cardinal Kasper continued to score highly, but he was disqualified for having an unfair advantage (being as mad as a hatter). Moreover, Fr Rosica refused to return his entry form, simply screaming "you're blocked" at our staff.

Cardinal Dolan rehearses for the finals of COTY.

Of the British entrants, Prof. Tina Beattie was a bit quiet this year, although probably still very active in the "human flourishing" business, and Austen Ivereigh - in spite of a promising meltdown in December - did not put up a consistently nutty performance throughout the year. Others, such as Vincent Nichols, who can normally be relied upon to do something interesting, just didn't seem to be trying this year.

Three promising newcomers are the new American cardinals, Cupich, Farrell and Tobin, and we expect them to be strong entrants for the "Catholic of the Year" title next year. It just goes to show that a mere nobody may one day end up as pope...

Cardinal Cupich shows how senior churchmen behave with dignity.

We haven't yet blogged about him, but Archbishop Mark Coleridge of Brisbane is a strong tip for spiritually nourishing entertainment in 2017. Apart from his intemperate remarks about the four cardinals, he has found a novel use for churches in his diocese - naughtiness. Why isn't this man also a cardinal?

There are worse pictures around, but this is a family blog.

So the three finalists turned out to be
1. Fr Antonio Spadaro SJ, the Tolkien scholar;
2. Fr James Martin SJ, the Biblical scholar; and
3. The late Fr Jack Hackett (probably SJ), the most famous Catholic to die in 2016.

It was impossible to choose between them, so let's finish off with a few iconic souvenirs of 2016.

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Pope Francis closes the "Door of Mercy" as the Jubilee Year of Revenge begins.

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Fr Williams shows how to stay healthy after giving the Sign of Peace.

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A South American bishop explains the new guidelines in Amoris Laetitia.

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It really has been a tough year for Pope Francis (seen Before/After).

The Book of Brexodus

1. And there arose a new king of EUgypt, who set taskmasters over the children of Britain, to afflict them.

2. But God heard the groaning of the children of Britain, and God remembered His covenant with their forefathers, made when EUgypt was simply a common market.

3. Thus there arose two leaders among the children of Britain, whose names were Bosis and Cam-aaron.

Bosis and Cam-aaron play "spot the loony".

4. And Bosis spake, saying, let us leave EUgypt and go our own way. For Cripes! we want the right to obey our own Ten Commandments, rather than obeying the Ten Million Directives imposed by the Pharaoh, whose name is Juncker.

5. However, Camaaron disagreed, saying, I have spoken to the Pharaoh, and he hath promised us mighty concessions. Each day, between the second hour and five minutes after the second hour, our bondage will be lifted. Except when the day endeth in a Y.

6. And the people mocked Camaaron, saying, thou hast achieved nothing, for lo! the Pharaoh's servants Merkel and Hollande stand outside our tents, ready to flood them with aliens, such as the people of the Refugites, the Migranites, and even the Terrorites of Isis. And not a single good plumber among them.

An army of Migranites seeking to invade.

7. And even Corbyn the Clown jeered at Camaaron, saying, what is wrong with slavery and bondage, anyway? I myself quite enjoy being bullied, humiliated, and laughed at, for that is why I became a party leader.

8. Then God smote EUgypt with a series of plagues.

9. For there came a plague of Farogs, which went to the houses, and the bedchambers, and even the drinking-troughs, crying "Brexit! Brexit!"

A Farog cometh to the drinking-trough.

10. And Pharaoh came to Bosis, saying, Take away the Farogs, and I might even let thy people go.

11. But Camaaron spake, saying, I have obtained a wondrous deal, and I shall advise the people of Britain to stay in EUgypt, rather than go into the wilderness.

12. What's more, Bosis is a cad and a traitor unto me, and if we were still at Eton I would smite him behind the bike-sheds.

Continued in Chapter 2

Lily the Pink - some new verses

First, to appreciate this post, you need to be familiar with the classic song "Lily the pink". We particularly appreciate this verse for its sensitive handling of transgender issues:

Jennifer Eccles
Had terrible freckles,
And the boys all called her names,
But she changed with 
Medicinal compound:
Now he joins in all the games.

Pioneers of transgender awareness.

Now, here are four new verses.

Murphy-O'Connor
Thought he was a goner
When Austen said he'd misbehaved:
So they gave him
Medicinal compound:
Now he hopes he may be saved.

"I'm playing all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order!"

Professor Dawkins
Could not stop his squawkings,
Though they found his views were junk:
So they gave him
Medicinal compound:
Now he's training as a monk.

Professor Dawkins becomes a Trappist.

Damian Thompson
Had mischievous romps on
His blog at the Telegraph:
So they gave him
Medicinal compound:
Now he's gone, and makes folk laugh.

Thompson and Farage get ideas from the Eccles blog.

Cardinal Kasper
Made everyone gasp: "A
Man like this destroys the Church!"
So they gave him
Medicinal compound:
Now they've left him in the lurch.

"Can I come indoors if I behave myself?"

Exit Ruth Gledhill

So Fleet Street's last religious affairs correspondent, Ruth Gledhill of the Times, has been made redundant. Said one commentator, "Her stuff was behind a paywall, so I never read it; and what I did see, I usually disagreed with, but she was a GOOD THING."

Did nobody tell Sister Ruth that we don't have a "dress-down Friday"?

One or two part-time religious correspondents remain. At the Telegraph there is John Bingham, who does "social and religious affairs", whatever that might be - it's not as silly a title as "strategic events coordinator", which was how Tom Chivers used to earn his daily crust - and of course there is also the notorious Damian Thompson, who writes about religion and custard.

Damian Thompson chats to an old friend.

Then newspapers such as the Guardian can always pump something into Sir Simon Jenkins in order to get a foaming-at-the-mouth rant, blaming religion for everything from HS2 to the World Cup fiasco.

Of course, religion is increasingly irrelevant to modern life. When the Catholic Church decided to canonize Popes John-Paul II and John XXIII, nobody turned up, and the Pope was left talking to an empty St Peter's Square. When the Anglicans decided to ordain women as bishops, nobody really cared one way or the other: the dead bodies on the floor of the synod were just an accident caused by someone's finger slipping while he was cutting sandwiches.

Even Michelle Obama's moment of honesty went unnoticed.

There do remain "niche" newspapers for the religious maniac: the Church Times, which is running a feature on How To Cut Sandwiches At A Synod Without Killing Ten Passers-By; also, numerous Catholic papers such as the Tablet, which publishes articles such as Which Pope Do We Hate The Most? Then there's the Catholic Times with its comedy column Loony Lofty and his Hilarious Heresies Re-interpretations of Scripture.

Of course, Ruth Gledhill was a national institution. Being the daughter of vicar, the niece of a Pope, the great-aunt of a Chief Rabbi, and the uncle of an Imam, she has religion in her blood. We shall not see her like again.