Just snap out of it!

Today's guest blogger, Fr Giles Fraser of the Guardian, explains mental illness.

Amazingly, Giles is more handsome than Eccles.

I was soon in trouble when I started writing for the Guardian. "Like a monkey at the zoo, Giles is intent on displaying himself from his least flattering angle," said one bishop. "Can't you put something in his tea?" Nowadays, of course, everything is put down to mental disorder, even the natural wish of a clergyman to show off to an admiring audience of lefties so that people will think he is clever. Many of my readers think that a good dose of medicine would solve my problems, although opinions differ as to whether it should be Ritalin, strychnine or (a suggestion from a Telegraph journalist) custard.

Modern therapy for people with nervous conditions.

People talk about depression, bi-polar conditions, autism, schizophrenia, ... but do they really exist? No, so snap out of it! Open the window! Climb out and go for a walk! Chew a copy of the Guardian! Read Eccles's hard-hitting blog! Put a tea-cosy on your head! Feeling better now?

Teapautism - but it's not an illness.

Look, I'm an expert on depression. After I preach my sermon on Sunday, I see a whole church full of people sitting there, in a catatonic state. Except for the ones hitting their heads against the wall. It's not mental illness, it's just their reaction to my latest theories about what Christ should have said! Perfectly normal!

Let's not try and make people happy. I don't believe in "comfortable words" or cheering up people. Smiling - arentchasickofit???

Mr Happy. Probably a bigot in his spare time.

Jesus never got a Nobel prize

Distinguished theologian Richard Dawkins went on the attack again today, pointing out that, since Jesus never got a Nobel prize, there could be no truth in Christianity.

Alfred Nobel - an atheist. So that proves it.

"He is called the Prince of Peace," explained Dawkins, "but who do we see in the list of Nobel peace prize winners? Henry Kissinger. Jimmy Carter. Al Gore. Barack Obama. The European Union... But no sign of Jesus or of any Christian churches. The nearest we get is Desmond Tutu, who recently chose to go to Hell. Not that Hell exists of course."

"Then again, Christ was said to be able to heal the sick. But did He ever get a Nobel prize for it? No! That proves the Bible is wrong from beginning to end," continued Dawkins.

Sir John Eccles, Nobel prize for medicine/physiology (1963).

Christian leaders were quick to respond, pointing out that nobody called Dawkins had ever won a Nobel prize, and statistically one would have expected more people called Richard to have collected the prestigious gong. But Dawkins had one final shot in his locker.

"It's true that many Nobel prizes have gone to the College of the Most Holy and Undivided Trinity in the Town and University of Cambridge," he said, "but I expect that this year's prizes will mostly go to an even more prestigious institution, the New College of the Humanities, set up by Anthony Grayling, at which I lecture on memes, genes, gnomes and moans."

---

"The Mass is ended. Now f*** off."

Meanwhile, the "Rev." Alice Goodman, a lady vicar who drives around in a car with the obscene slogan "wtfwjd" on the back - note that the Lord's Name doesn't even get a capital letter - was unrepentant when someone finally complained. "My ****** knows I have the ******* on my ***, and has no difficulty with it, and I have had the former ********** of Canterbury in my car, Rowan Williams, and he didn't ***** an eyebrow," she explained. "Now **** off, in the Name of the Lord, my son."

Lord Williams of Oystermouth, who met Lady Goodman of Pottymouth.

They're changing popes at Vatican Palace

With apologies to A.A. Milne.

They're changing popes at Vatican Palace -
   Christopher Robin went down with Alice.
Francis is washing a Muslim girl's feet -
"That is going to go down a treat,"
   Says Alice.

They're changing popes at Vatican Palace -
   The new pope needs no cooks or valets.
A grand apartment he wants to decline -
"That cupboard under the stairs is fine,"
   Says Alice.

An apartment fit for a pope!

They're changing popes at Vatican Palace -
   Dawkins shows his usual malice.
We saw a concert: the pope stayed away -
"I think he's busy with 'pope things' today,"
  Says Alice.

They're changing popes at Vatican Palace -
   We hear of scandals worse than in Dallas.
They told me of a naughty old vicar -
"That surely can't be Monsignor Ricca?"
   Says Alice.

I must do something about you - and let go of my ear!

They're changing popes at Vatican Palace -
   We've plastic cups, instead of a chalice.
A bunch of bishops broke into a dance -
"Vin will do likewise when he gets a chance!"
   Says Alice.

Both arms in, and shake 'em all about...

They're changing popes at Vatican Palace -
   Rock music's in: out goes Thomas Tallis.
Pepinster's telling the pope what to do - 
"That loopy old woman hasn't a clue,"
   Says Alice.

They're changing popes at Vatican Palace -
   Christopher Robin went down with Alice.
"Do you approve of Pope Francis's style?" 
"Not always - but still he's got a nice smile,"
   Says Alice.     

Alternative words are permitted, replacing "Christopher Robin" by "Cardinal Cormac", "Father John Zuhlsdorf", "Damian Thompson", or the name of some other religious figure.

Mass for the Twitterati

Priest: In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

Worshipper 1: Very good. I'll retweet that. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.

Troll 1: Why don't you just crawl off and die? I'm going to kidnap your hamster and make it into a pie.

There's no use looking sweet. They're out to get you.

Worshipper 2: Just block him, Father.

Troll 2: Admit it, you're a sockpuppet of Eccles living simultaneously in Brighton, Corby and Spain.

Worshipper 3: Amen.

Worshipper 1: Very good. I'll retweet that. Amen.

Worshipper 4: I've got a dreadful cold and the bus was late and there was a dirty old man on it smelling of haddock.

Worshipper 5: So the restaurant said "Yes, we do take-aways" and I replied "O.K. then, what's 97 minus 61?"

Worshipper 6: ROFL. Or do I mean LOL?

Worshipper 7: 46. No - it's 36.

Troll 3: All Catholics are vile you know. Richard Dawkins calls them "faith-heads". Which proves it.

Worshipper 2: I'm blocking you too.

Richard is wearing his "tasteless shirt of the day".

Priest: If I may continue?

Troll 2: Eccles has got 4 young daughters and 4 donkeys. I have the evidence.

Priest: The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the communion of the Holy Spirit be with you all.

Worshipper 8: Shouldn't that be "fellowship"?

Worshipper 9: No, Catherine. When did you last go to Mass?

Worshipper 8: 95% of Tablet readers no longer attend Mass. I blame Arthur Roche - he did the new translation.

The guilty party.

Troll 2: Arthur Roche wouldn't let me become a priest, so I put on a biretta and sang rugby songs outside his bedroom window at 3 a.m.

Worshipper 2: I've blocked you.

Worshipper 3: And with your spirit.

Worshipper 1: Very good. I'll retweet that. And with your spirit.

Priest: Is the right answer!

Worshipper 1: Very good. I'll retweet that. Is the right answer!

Troll 1: Then I'll steal the Eccles cakes from your kitchen and jump on them.

After a troll attack.

Worshipper 10: Have you seen the "Our new heresy of the week" column in this week's Tablet?

Worshipper 11: No, my father won't have it in the house.

Priest: Brethren, let us acknowledge our sins, and so prepare ourselves to celebrate the sacred mysteries.

Worshipper 2: I've blocked you, Father. No, that can't be right.

Troll 4: Mysteries? You mean Agatha Christie? ROFL.

Priest: Oh, why do I bother?

Worshipper 1: Very good. I'll retweet that...

Mass for the masses

An organizer of World Youth Day in Rio has apologised for distributing Holy Communion in plastic cups, thereby outraging a number of Catholics who feel that the Mass should be an occasion for reverence.

"With hindsight, we would have done things differently," explained Dom Pedro d'Alvadorez. "For a start, we should really have used coffee rather than wine. After all, we've got an awful lot of coffee in Brazil (it's where the nuts come from), and I am sure that the Holy Father would have been delighted to see us advertise our products in this way."

Dom Pedro and Donna Lucia demonstrate the Mass-o-mat^TM.

"We advise future World Youth Days to serve pre-consecrated Holy Communion in a food-and-drink machine," he went on. "Who can doubt that Jesus would have been a fan of fast food, if it had existed in His day?"

Fr John Zuhlsdorf, a leading liturgical expert, was unavailable for comment, having collapsed in an apoplectic fit.

Fr Z. demonstrates the liturgically correct way to drink coffee (rite of Pope Bibit V).

Bad Hymns 25

We hadn't personally encountered today's nomination for the Eccles Bad Hymn Award, On Eagle's Wings (except on Youtube), but since it has received several nominations we felt we should invite the author, Michael Joncas, to discuss it with us. Hello, Mike!

He will raise you up on eagle's wings.

MJ: Thank you, Eccles. It's a pleasure and a privilege to sit in the chair that has hosted so many great liturgists, such as Paul Inwood, Damian Lundy and Estelle White.

E: Oh is it? Right. Now I couldn't sit through the whole Youtube video without screaming, but I have read the words of your hymn. Basically, the bird stuff comes from Isaiah 40:31. But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

MJ: Well, I padded out the chorus a bit. Since the eagle's wings might not be strong enough (and to give you a choice of transport), I wrote:

And He will raise you up on eagle's wings, 
Bear you on the breath of dawn,
Make you to shine like the sun,
And hold you in the palm of His hand.

E: Improving on the Bible, eh? Well done. Does dawn have breath, though?

MJ: You start off using the eagle's wings, Eccles, blow around in the air a bit, and then land on God's hand.

Icarus wishes he'd booked to travel with Air Joncas.

E: I see. Now, apart from the chorus, it's a mash-up of Psalm 91.

MJ: Well, I chose some bits of it and made a few more improvements. I felt that King David needed some help in making his psalm acceptable for modern congregations.

E: Yes, he'll be very grateful. Last year I advised him on how to rewrite Psalm 23.

MJ: Right, so "Pestilence" is changed to "Famine", for example. And "his truth shall be thy shield and buckler" becomes "his faithfulness your shield".

Pestilence is dropped, and Famine joins the team.

E: It scans much better that way, doesn't it?

MJ: Of course I haven't managed to make the lines rhyme at all, but then nor did King David. That's more advanced poetry.

E: Except that a psalm, sung to a traditional chant, actually sounds a lot more sacred than what we're left with here.

MJ: Cruel words, Bruvver Eccles. Doesn't a verse like this resonate with you?

For to His angels He's given a command,
To guard you in all of your ways,
Upon their hands they will bear you up,
Lest you dash your foot against a stone.

E: Well it means the same as the original psalm, but it ends with a dreadful clunk, doesn't it? That's rather appropriate, really.

MJ: Still, I'm delighted that I've got angels' hands, as well as an eagle's wings, dawn's breath and God's hand, all bearing me up.

E: Belt and braces, eh? No wonder you're shining like the sun.

MJ: Wikipedia has a fascinating discussion on whether it should be one eagle or many...

E: Let's not go there. Mike, thank you very much.

Michael Joncas, let me bear you away.

---

Previous entries for the Eccles Bad Hymn Award:

Lord of the Dance.    Shine, Jesus, shine.    Enemy of apathy.    Walk in the Light.
Kum Ba Yah.    Follow me.    God's Spirit is in my heart.    Imagine.    Alleluia Ch-ch.
It ain't necessarily so.    I, the Lord of sea and sky.    Colours of day.    The red flag.
Go, the Mass is ended.    I watch the sunrise.    Bind us together, Lord.    Our god reigns.
My way.    Ding-Dong! The witch is dead.    If I were a butterfly.
Journeys ended, journeys begun.    The Galilee song.    The perfect face.
Jesus Christ the apple tree.

2 Kings

Well, it may be the height of summer, but my class of atheists still has a long way to go - especially you, Richard - so we'll continue with the Eccles Bible Project, looking at 2 Kings. And Caitlin, if I hear any more name-calling from you, I'll make you stand in the corner.

All right, it's also known as "4 Kings".

Elijah the prophet goes out with a bang. He sends fire from Heaven to consume supporters of Baal-zebub the god of Ekron (everyone happy that we don't believe in Baal-zebub? Splendid.) Soon after that he is taken up to Heaven by a whirlwind, and hands over to Elisha.

Go up, thou bald head!

Elisha, who might more properly have been called Alopecia, is known for summoning two she-bears from a wood; these eat up forty-two children who mocked his baldness. Times have changed a bit since then, and nowadays it is OK, but rude, to comment on a prophet's hair. Sorry, Giles!

Elisha does many more useful miracles, including making rain, multiplying a widow's oil and raising a child from the dead. Richard, there's no need to go ROFL at this point: it's undignified for a 72-year-old retired zoologist to be rolling around on the floor. If you accept the existence of God, then miracles are possible, boy.

Elisha also heals the deadly pottage.

Elisha operates in Israel, in the time of kings Jehoram (evil), Jehu (good), Jehoahaz (evil), and Jehoash (good); if I've got that right - it's not really important. At half time in this book, Elisha dies. Time for a tea break.

Caitlin! We said "tea break".

So we come to the second half of 2 Kings. The political situation is complicated, with Israel and Judah being at odds, and Assyria, Samaria and Egypt (and others) all joining in the fun. We meet Isaiah for the first time - he's in Judah and not really one for spectacular miracles, although he is going to do some great prophesying. Isaiah's got his own book so we'll come to him later.

Homework: Azariah, Jotham, Ahaz, and Hezekiah were kings in Judah while Isaiah was operating. For each one say whether he was (a) good or evil; (b) successful or unsuccessful. Do you notice a pattern?

Do you find Hezekiah guilty or not guilty?

The book ends badly for our heroes, as Jerusalem is sacked by Nebuchadnezzar, the temple of Solomon is destroyed and many (most?) of the people taken away to Babylon. This will set the scene for later adventures.

Having a lovely time. Wish you were here!

Now, look on the bright side: Babylon is a great place to visit if you are interested in gardening - specifically, hanging gardens. However, at the end of 2 Kings nobody seems to appreciate this.

Music in church

I don't usually blog about music, since I don't know much about it. On the other hand I do know what I don't like.

The Mallard - a metaphor for this Sunday's music.

This Sunday I went to a Mass at which the music hit a new low. The best way to deal with a trauma is to tell people about it, so here goes. I've changed the names in order to protect the guilty.

The musicians:

Mr Anguish, organist. 
Mrs Bedlam, singer and conductor. 
Mr Cacophony, singer and guitar-player. 
Mr Dissonance, singer and flute-player.

A, alone, would have done a very competent job. The first hymn was "Praise, my soul, the King of Heaven", which I normally enjoy very much. However, C and D were also allowed to play their instruments, and this was a bad idea. We got to the chorus, "Praise Him, praise Him..." and there was a screech such as you get from the wheels of a train when it is going round a tight curve. Yes, D, the flautist, had decided to show off a little. Maybe it was in the wrong key, maybe it wasn't in any key, but the high-pitched screeching was horrible, and probably infringed numerous health and safety directives.

"Eeek!"

The other hymns were unremarkable. The final one was Bernadette Farrell's "Christ be our light", which is not ludicrous enough to be a candidate for the Eccles Bad Hymn Award, although it can be extremely irritating in its banality.

No, the real offence came during the sung parts of the Mass (Kyrie, Gloria, etc.) There's a basic question here: why are people who are musical always assumed to be able to sing? You don't ask James MacMillan to give us a rendering of Donald, where's yer troosers? when he's finished conducting his latest work, so why should a guitar-player be rebranded as a singer? We had C's big moment, when he led the singing of the Gloria. Even I could tell that he was singing no better than anyone else in the congregation, and a good deal worse than some.

Another mallard, this one singing "Gloria in Excelsis Deo!"

You may think I've got it in for C, but his guitar-playing was also intrusive. When you are about to sing the Agnus Dei (even in English), do you really want it introduced with a massive TWANNGGG! on all the strings simultaneously, as if you were about to sing "Eviva España!"? And another TWANNGGG! to conclude?

A similar TWANNGGG! can be obtained by getting up quickly from one of these seats.

B was fine as a singer, although as a conductor she didn't always make it clear when the choir was supposed to sing along, and when the congregation could join in - this confused the priest as well. The overall effect was dire.

The counselling I was given.

Of course one should never criticise bad music in church, even when it distracts from worship, devotion, and thoughts of God. But how do you tell a musician, politely, "Er, you're not very good, are you?"

Eccles Boycott Day

It has not escaped our attention that this blog is not universally loved.

Eccles Boycott.

The problem is that we don't show respect to the vain and proud: this naturally grates with the vain and proud community. Also we attempt to make jokes (sometimes not very good ones), which offend the humourless community. St Mary had the same problem: compose a Magnificat in which you claim that God puts down the mighty from their seats, and you get hate mail from the mighty, claiming that they will certainly hold their seats at the next election.

Mighty indeed - but is his seat in danger?

Now, if you are in a high-profile position and call yourself a Catholic, while putting forward doctrines that are simply heretical, then Eccles may poke fun at this fact. If you are an atheist who spends his life attacking religions and their adherents, you may just get a little prod in return. As a politician, enact legislation which is an attack on Christian values, and this will be pointed out. If you are aggressive but patently absurd, then the best way to counter you is by mockery? No?

No. Let's attack Eccles's blog. Oh look, someone has recommended one of his posts. DO THEY KNOW that 4 months ago some idiot posted a nasty comment on the thread below his blog, which Eccles deleted the same day? This proves that Eccles is a nasty "Bernard Manning" type, who does not scruple to curse and swear, who is racist and sexist, and who probably eats babies.

Eccles's lunch.

Oh look, someone on Twitter has set up a "mock-puppet" parody account. That must have been Eccles, as he does parodies on his blog occasionally. Admittedly it doesn't SOUND like Eccles, but then he is a master of all styles and all languages - in his spare time he no doubt runs a Korean parody account mocking Kim Jong-un.

"It may not sound like Eccles, but I've got an ear for these things."

Eccles has written a post pointing out the absurd attempts by journalists to pigeon-hole the new pope: let's tell everyone it was an attack on Pope Francis! Throw mud at Eccles, you know it makes sense!

So let's make today Eccles Boycott Day. Don't read his blog, and harass anyone who tries to. All right?

Liturgy for G. K. Chesterton

Special Liturgy for the Feast of Gilbert of Beaconsfield (May 29th)

The opening words

Priest, Fr Brown (for it is he): I'm sorry, but the 
bishop's late. He missed the train.
People: The only way to be sure of catching a train is 
to miss the one before it.
Priest: The bishop comes from Birmingham...
People: By way of Beachy Head.

Naught for your comfort: the bishop was last seen here.

Reading from Holy Scripture
John 2:1-11, the story of the turning of water into wine.

The prayers

Priest: We pray for the canonization of St Gilbert.
People: It has not been tried and found wanting; 
it has been found difficult and not tried.
Priest: We shall now have a moment of silent prayer.
Deacon: The poets have been mysteriously 
silent on the subject of cheese.
Priest: Ssshhh!

A subject for prayer and contemplation.

Priest: It isn't that they can't see the solution... 
People: It is that they can't see the problem.
Priest: If a thing is worth doing... 
People: It is worth doing badly.
Priest: A dead thing can go with the stream...
People: But only a living thing can go against it.

The Dismissal

Priest: The Bible tells us to love our neighbours, 
and also to love our enemies...
People: Probably because they are generally the same people.
Priest: Will someone take me to a pub?
People: Good idea!

Our soon-to-be patron saint with his own Luvvly (Frances) Blogg.

Adopt a Pope!

A saved pusson writes:

My adopted pop. All will be explaned later.

You may remember dat in March, when dey was electin a new pop, we was invited to adopt a cradinal, and by de luck of de draw I got Cradinal Marc Ouellet, wot is a good man but did not become pop. He is de prefect of de congregation for bishops instead. I knows wot prefects does cos I read about it in de grate classics of literature like Moleswort, Billy Butner and Tom Brown's Scholdays.

Cripes! A nuaughty Etonian wot is gonna be dicsiplined by de school prefect.

If de prefect catches de junior bishops bein nuaghty den he has got to discipline em. For example, if a bishop starts doin silly dances durin prep, he can be told to write out I must not be a silly bishop 200 times. Now dey tells me dat Bishop Keiran Corny may be in danger of havin to bend down and take six of de best cos he said silly fings about Islam bein pretty much as good as Christainity.

A mountian dat wuld not go to Mohammed (but proper faith can move mountians).

After adoptin a cradinal, I den tried to adopt a deacon. Well dat's a very sad story, as some poeple just aint got de quallities of kindness needed to be saved like me. Let's move on.

De new initaitive is Adopt a Pop! In de times of de early church, de career path of a pop wot wanted to become a saint was simple:

age 0: born in humble circumstances;
age 12: elected bishop, cos de previous bishop had been martryed;
age 14: become pop;
age 16: die horribly for de faith;
age 500: become a siant.

Nowadays it is a little different:

age 0: born;
age 25: become a priest;
age 40: bishop;
age 50: archbishop;
age 60: cradinal;
age 75: pop;
age 90: die wiv diggnity, muorned by all except Richard Dakwins;
age 95: become a siant.

So we gotta press de cases of all de pops wot aint yet saints, or else poeple is gonna say dey werent as good as John XXIII, John-Paul II, etc. My first idea was to choose a random pop, and de luck of de draw gave me Pop Nubmer 88, Constantine (708-715).

Pope Constantine; but maybe it is too early to cannonize him.

Constantine was a worthy man, and apparently a great opponent of monothelitism, a heresay promoted by de Tablet in those days. But it is too soon to consider him for cannonization.

No, we must go back to Pop Nubmer 9, Hyginus (138-142). Dis is de first pop never to be cannonized, and it seems very unfair, does it not? Wikipedia says: Tradition holds that during his papacy he determined the various prerogatives of the clergy and defined the grades of the ecclesiastical hierarchy. You got it, we has him to thank for havin deacons, priests, monsingors, bishops, etc. How lucky we is.

Not sure if Hyginus invented baths, hygeine, etc.

We don't know how Hyginus died, but it seems dat he didnt manage to become a matryr, which may explane his failure to get cannonized. Still, it's never too late, so please remember him, and if you experience any miracles which may be due to him, then let us know. Or you could just choose a pop of your own.

Pope Francis takes an aeroplane

Catholic commentators are expecting some special news today, as Pope Francis steps onto an Air Vatican flight to Milan. You can be sure that everything he says and does will be scrutinised very carefully - is he about to move the Catholic Church towards abortion, divorce and same-sex marriage? Or is he going to stick to Christianity?

A life-jacket demonstration or a liturgical abuse?

Well, this is very exciting. The Pope has put down his copy of The God Delusion, and is carefully watching the flight attendant demonstrate the use of the life-jackets. Liberal Catholics will surely interpret this attentiveness as a sign that the Holy Father wishes to make a point about the important role that ladies play in the church - surely the ordination of women cannot be far away?

On the other hand, the pope's nihil obstat to the life-jacket demonstration may also be seen as his way of expressing a traditional pro-life attitude.

Have you noticed that Pope Francis is sitting in seat 6A? Now Pope Benedict always used to sit in seat 8F, so that on take-off he had a good view of St Peter's Basilica. Traditionalists will worry that Francis is deliberately distancing himself from Benedict here by choosing to look at a humble power station on take-off.

Is the subliminal message: "I have the power now"?

Well, we've taken off, and the Pope has picked up The God Delusion again. He's laughing heartily at it, so we may see that as a sign that he is an orthodox Catholic, after all. Apparently, last time he flew he took God's Mother, Eve's Advocate with him, and had to make use of the sick-bag provided.

The flight attendant's coming round with the trolley now. She's offered Pope Francis a choice of drinks, and we can just hear what he's saying to her ex cathedra: "Coffee, please!" The use of "Coffee" here, rather than the Latin word Coffeum preferred by Pope Pius XII, will come as a shock to many - clearly Francis no longer thinks it appropriate to use Latin in a liturgical context. Has he repealed Summorum pontificum?

Well, after that bombshell, we must see what the Pope chooses to eat. A cheese sandwich or ham? Now there's another shock - he's rejected the Battista Ricotta cheese and chosen the ham instead. This is surely a sign that he means to take seriously those allegations of sexual misconduct at the Vatican Bank.

Battista Ricotta - rejected by the Pope.

We note that the Pope has been sitting quietly in his seat during the flight, with his seat-belt attached. Pope John-Paul II used to take his off, and kiss the floor of the aeroplane, but clearly Pope Francis's reign is going to be totally different.

Well, the captain has put on the "seat belts" sign now, and Pope Francis looks up from The God Delusion and smiles at the flight attendant as she takes his coffee cup away. Yes, there's clearly going to be movement on the ordination of women.

"Could you be quiet? I'm trying to read."

Well, that was a most eventful flight, and clearly a lot of commentators are interpreting the pope's words and deeds very carefully. Over at the Tablet they are quaffing champagne, feeling that the new pope is breaking with tradition, and that Catholicism is dead. At the other end of the spectrum, the good folk at Rorate Caeli are on the telephone to the Samaritans, feeling that the new pope is breaking with tradition, and that Catholicism is dead.