Q. For several years I have been running a religious blog (let's call it Sanctus Fumus) on a national newspaper, but it has gradually been taken over by atheists, trolls, and liberals. The problem is that I am not really interested in religion these days: the pressing issues that keep me awake at night are whether Richard Chartres has got a real doctorate and why Johann Hari still gets invited to media parties when I am not. I told the commentators on my blog that I hated them all and wouldn't read their comments, but they still insist on posting. What can I do? "Depressed" of Notting Hill.
Dr Eccles replies: Ullo, Depressed. Perhaps de time has come to stop writin your blogg, as you cant compete wiv de real spiritaul giants like Bosco and me. Has you fuoght of a new career, maybe as a wieght-lifter or a truck-driver? Dey has got very few poeple wiv Ph.D.s and a good head of hair, so maybe dey will be impressed.
Q. I am a bishop in good standing living in a large northern city. My main hobbies are (1) making new translations of the liturgy into the vernacular - indeed, the Yorkshire edition ("Eee, lads and lasses, the Lord be with thee, like!") will be out next year - and (2) closing down churches. I think I can best serve the world by becoming an Archbishop, and then perhaps a Cardinal, maybe even Pope. Do you have any tips? "Ambitious" of the Vatican of the North.
Dr Eccles replies: Ullo, your grace. If you is gonna be a cosstume holly man, you sure wants to get the best cosstumes. Has you fuoght of dressin up as a Cradinal, or even de Pop, when you goes shoppin? Red hats is on offer dis week at Mitres 'R' Us. Den your name will be drawn to de attentoin of dem in de Vattican wot decides dese fings.
Q. G'day, cobber, I am an Antipodean Cardinal, but I am being stalked by a loopy old sheila from Adelaide. Sometimes she e-mails me 50 times a day, even staying up all night long to do so, telling me how woeful her feelings are. She claims that we were very close 50 years ago, although I really think it must be her imagination. Now she is threatening to come to Sydney and chuck herself at my feet at my next service (which is a Blessing of Aboriginal Boomerangs). Can you help? "Harassed" of Oz.
Dr Eccles replies: I finks I knows dis dame, your Grace, and I will see what I can do to restrane her. Or if you felt like a job-swap wiv a bishop in de north of Enggland, I fink I could arrange it, and you would both be much happier.
Q. I am a very senior Anglican cleric with my own beard and a passing interest in religion, especially the more obscure aspects that cannot be put into meaningful words. On the one hand, I have a problem, but then on the other hand perhaps I don't. I think both points of view are equally valid, don't you? So perhaps you can help me, or then again maybe we should simply appreciate our wonderful diversity of opinions and be grateful for the opportunity of this truly Christian dialogue. And I am sure that my patron saint, St Heisenberg the Uncertain, would have said the same in a very real sense. "Waffles" of Lambeth.
Dr Eccles replies: I fink we needs to go back to basics here. Is you saved, bruvver?
Q. I am a retired professor from a major British university, who has written many books explaining why God cannot possibly exist, and how we are nothing but a bunch of genes stuck together with superglue. What's more, I have my own Foundation for Science and Reason, a street full of bendy-buses with the hard-hitting message "There's probably no God, but we're not so sure, come to think of it" on them, and a lovely wife who comes from the planet Gallifrey. However, I have been reading your blog, and I have this nagging feeling that after all I may have got things wrong, and I am making a fool of myself. How can I back down without being lynched by my followers? "Sky fairy" of Oxford.
Dr Eccles replies: De way of Salivation aint allways easy, bruvver. I fink you needs to find your local Calumny Chappel, and see whats on offer. You can prettend dat you is doin resaerch for a new book on why God aint as smart as you. Also git some cement doves for de sittin-room wall, dey is allways usefull.
Q. I am the leader of a major world religion, but I am nearly 85 years old and getting a bit tired of having to put up with rebellious bishops and so-called liberal Catholics who don't seem to have a clue about the fundamental doctrines of their faith. I see that the Daily Telegraph has no serious religious blogs at the moment, and I wonder whether they would like to give a job to one who really knows what's going on. "Insider" of Rome.
Dr Eccles replies: Deer Insider, I hears on de grapvine dat Damain Thopmson is soon gonna be retirin from de blood-crazy ferret job, to become a hairdresser. So maybe dere will be a vaccancy soon.