Dis is me, Eccles

Dis is me, Eccles
Dis is me, Eccles

Sunday, 27 January 2013

Rent-a-troll

Phil Broadhurst

Hello, Damian. Speak later...

Many people only write blog posts when they have something interesting to say, and they are not too concerned with the number of hits they get. Others, however, are under contract to write 1000 words each week, and they lie awake at night worrying about their hit count.

Things are particularly bad at the Daily Telegraph, where the influx of a new generation of unreadable bloggers has made the blogs editor look very foolish. Some bloggers have been very successful - for example, cheeky Tom Chivers knows precisely what his largely conservative audience wants to hear, and writes exactly the opposite. Although he tries to give the impression that he spends his days discussing Che Guevara while drifting along in a cannabis-induced haze, the fact is that he is a stalwart of his local Conservative club; most days he takes the 7.53 from Surbiton, wearing a pin-striped suit and carrying a rolled-up umbrella.

Tom Chivers

Tom Chivers and his friends on their way to work.

Other bloggers recruited have been less successful. William Handsome, the etiquette correspondent, recently hit the scene with a fascinating post on "Should you blow your nose on your neighbour's sleeve in the Underground?" however, his follow-up post, "Dropping your trousers in church is only for Harrovians and other oiks," was rejected for being too Catholic.

Harrovian in church

A Harrovian is removed from the Brompton Oratory.

Which brings us to poor Damian Thompson, author of a book on addiction called Apologia Pro Vita Sua or, in the English translation, I'm sorry, I can't stop eating Ryvitas. Reduced to writing Saturday columns of ever-increasing fatuousness, he took the unusual step of hiring Phil Istine, a professional troll, in order to keep discussions going on his blog.

Phil Istine is a solitary man, whose main hobbies are snooker, drinking, and stealing underwear off people's washing lines. But he has a dazzling array of anti-Catholic sockpuppets, designed to provoke the traditional readership of the "Holy Smoke" blog into paroxysms of rage.

On-line presence

"I like to maintain an on-line presence," says Phil.

Among Phil's 100+ sockpuppets are such memorable characters as Phil, the lapsing Catholic, who hates traditionalism; Daryl, the faithful post-Vatican II Catholic, who hates traditionalism; Deborah, the liberal Anglican, who wants women bishops and hates traditionalism; Pau, the homosexual priest who stalks other posters and hates traditionalism; and Wendy, the lovestruck girl who wants to seduce a monk, but - and this is a neat touch - hates traditionalism.

Phil is of course immune from banning, as he is on the Telegraph payroll; moreover, anyone who criticises him or points out what he is doing is also banned. "I've had a good bag recently," boasts Phil. "Two Anglican priests, one retired schoolmaster, a young wife, and a Welsh anaesthetist. The more respected they are, the harder they fall!"

Geoffrey Sales

J.B. Priestley - banned because his writing put Damian's to shame.

Others who are immune to banning, as their witless remarks make Damian look good in comparison, are the notoriously senile Australian harridan "Anti Moly," or molybdenite (herself a skilled user of sockpuppets), and her sidekick MickyRoss the biologist, who recently pleaded guilty to 24 sample charges of mollusc-molesting.

But Damian's days are surely numbered, and, if so, then Phil will be looking for a new outlet for his trolling skills. If you can, please offer him a job on your blog.

Stalkport

Stockport bus station. Hang around here, and you'll soon find Phil.

51 comments:

  1. darling eccles, I am afraid that suddenly the milk of charity went sour. We has no vacancies on the Watchtower for trolls or those off their trolleys, though we has recently offer Mr Priestley and an Anglican clergyman space on the Watchtower; isn't that enuff? xx Jess

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  2. I hope that your dear Anti Moly isn't thinking of bringing this one home to you as an unwanted houseguest !!!

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  3. Why do you *bother* writing all this stuff? No one outside the menagerie of regular commenters under my columns/posts gives a monkey's who is conspiring against whom. I hate to think that I'm the cause of so much time-wasting.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Damian : I hate to think that I'm the cause of so much time-wasting

      You're not -- any time-wasting has been caused by a small number of internet trolls who have destroyed the civility that once existed under your columns/posts. You're hardly responsible for their behaviour, are you ...

      Delete
    2. Surely the answer is the one any good writer would give? For the pleasure it gives the writer and reader. The idea that doing that is a waste of time is an intriguing one. Was writing 'Holy Smoke' a waste of time, or did the money make the difference? Can't think you'd have been so brave for so long just for money - that's not how it works.

      Delete
    3. Damian, I read Bruvver's blog regularly, though not yours. I like you and appreciate you. It's about more than you.

      Delete
    4. Shhh - we weren't supposed to tell him - he thinks it is all about him.

      Delete
    5. "Why do you *bother* writing all this stuff?"

      Why do you bother reading his "stuff"? Moreover, why bother going to the trouble of commenting too, given that, according to you, no one gives a "monkey's"?

      Puzzling.

      Oh, and I notice that you feel free to comment here without the least embarrassment, yet you fail to extend the same courtesy to Eccles on your blog, it seems.

      Also puzzling.

      Delete
    6. Greetings to all the good people on here who are posting or were posting & like me have been banned from Damian Thompsons blogs

      Sincerely, Mahatmacoatmabag , Zionist Troublemaker, Anti Communist, London born Plonker & long time resident of Tel Aviv, Israel

      Delete
    7. Damian

      It is no more time wasting to exercise one's brain by following a blog, than it is to go to a gym and exercise one's muscles. This week I have done paid work for 35 hours, commuted and chauffeured for 10; entertained another poster who was in the area for three days, gone to the ballet with a friend and his partner (and arbitrated their kvetching), cooked, cleaned, ironed, and listened to teenage woes, and been ignored when I finally got a word of advice in edge ways. Later I will be chivvying lapsed Catholics to sign protest cards, and getting school uniforms ready. Posting for many working people is a destressing activity, which replaces time otherwise spent snacking, watching third rate tv or drinking.

      Delete
    8. I find that I'm reading the Telegraph less and less, and getting an increasing proportion of my news from Eccles. He's one of the few trustworthy sources left on the internet.

      Delete
    9. posted by Damian Thompson27 January 2013 13:42
      Why do you *bother* writing all this stuff? No one outside the menagerie of regular commenters under my columns/posts gives a monkey's who is conspiring against whom. I hate to think that I'm the cause of so much time-wasting
      =======
      Damian the only regular commenters left on your blog are Phil, Phil, Phil, Phil, Phil , Phil, Phil, Phil & .......... , well you get my drift !

      I have never used swear words or death threats or any other unacceptable language on your blog yet my ID & IP has been blocked without any real justification in clear violation of the UN Charter of Human Rights & Freedom of Speech on the Internet
      http://www.apc.org/en/news/un-recognises-freedom-expression-internet-human-ri

      Its time you got the Moderators to respect the right of bloggers to post reasonable comments without fear of blocking , banishment & deletion even for the crime of saying good night all !

      sincerely Mahatmacoatmabag, Tel Aviv, Israel

      Delete
    10. Nice to see you here, Mahatma. I am sure that phil and Mr Thompson will be very happy together - though he may find his blogs die by Monday. Still, who reads newspapers nowadays - we're all here. If Mr T is lucky the DT may last him a few more years yet.

      Good to know I am in your company - tho' I banned the Telegraph first anyway - horrid Moderators. xx Jess

      Delete
    11. But Damian you clearly do read the comments below the line - what was it you said the other day "I will not be lectured by you Mrs Farrow". Why did you invite comment on a contentious post and then tell people off for doing as asked?

      You obviously did read on that occasion, and it would seem on others.

      The whole business is all terribly sad and I don't just mean what Eccles is referring to either, as you well know.

      Pax.

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    12. Nobody cares what you think Eccles - NOBODY!

      Certainly not Damien who would never dream of lowering himself to post in your comment section.

      Certainly not the hundreds who have read your blog post.

      As I said, NOBODY cares Eccles.

      Delete
  4. Cheersman. I've bin lookin for somewhere new to hang out. I used to be a Traditionalist who hated Traditionalism. Theres a niche (or a sock) fur me.

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  5. Who put the boot into GS / JB Priestley ?

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  6. Most of the people who comment on my blog hate Catholicism and all forms of small "t" traditionalism, let alone Traditionalism. I ban them, and I don't care who thinks that's wrong. I really don't.

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    Replies
    1. That seems logical. DT pursues the opposite policy. He allows those who support the positions he used to hold to be banned. A different hermeneutic.

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  7. To take up Damien's point about why bother, I confess to having often wondered why someone with so much obvious intelligence and talent for comic writing spends so much time on 'this stuff'. No answer to that -but I'm enormously glad you do, although, as others have mentioned in the past, my computer is suffering from regular splutterings of coffee as a result of half suppressed guffaws.

    Anyway, this post demonstrates that, through practice, Eccles' spelling has improved quite considerably since his first efforts and this, in itself, is surely justification enough...

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  8. It's no good coming in here trying to persuade us all to come back, Damian. Your emotional pleadings fall on deaf ears.

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    Replies
    1. It's no use: you will not win me over with praise and flattery.

      Delete

    2. Just letting you know we all know who and what you are !

      Delete
    3. Who : FrereRabit

      What : A norty, norty, norty rarbit !!!

      Delete
    4. A rude and norty rabit!

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    5. I have never quite understood why anonymous people like Phil Evans feel the need to explain the bleedin obvious. But there we are: one of life's more pointless mysteries.

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    6. Such are the mysteries of life's woefulness ...

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  9. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ne96QQorOkI

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    Replies
    1. While it is great fun to throw around psychological diagnoses, the author of this video is a diagnosed narcissistic psychopath, and if we go down this road we can all start diagnosing each other and, as the heat increases, we could create a remarkable tropical storm of pseudo-psychological nonsense.

      Watch this pointless video of your expert, interviewed by a complete moron, and describing most of humanity as idiots. Hilarious stuff, but entirely without intelligent content. Remember, he is happy in this interview to identify with his "diagnosis" as a "narcissistic psychopath."

      Psycho-babble of the worst kind I have ever heard. Powerful stuff.

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&v=yj2ueG5AG4g&feature=endscreen

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    2. Even narcissistic psychopaths are God's children and need something to do with their lives.

      Delete
    3. Rabit : the author of this video is a diagnosed narcissistic psychopath

      To be perfectly honest, Lapin, this news surprises me not a jot -- his opinions are interesting, but the characterisations that he provides in the videos are typically so broad that it's hard to see who wouldn't be diagnosed as a narcissist from that point of view...

      His views on marriage are frankly bizarre.

      Delete
  10. Damian,

    Our love and affection for you is sorely tested by the ongoing contempt you show for your fellow human beings who post on your blogs. The reserve of good will we have for you is so deep that it has lasted through two years of your telling us that defending our faith is a waste of time.

    You used to think otherwise and we did what we could to help you in your fight against those who corrupt all that we hold dear. You gave up the fight and are annoyed with us who soldier on. Perhaps it's because we think that our faith is worth fighting for even if you don't.

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    Replies
    1. Holiness is a journey. Thanks be to God.

      Delete

  11. I had always thought Geoffrey Sales was Harold Wilson, not JB Priestley....

    Both were monster drunks and fornicators, however.....

    I trus... and believe... that Geoff is far more uxorious...

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  12. I don't think I has got much to add to de comments above. I don't know why I write de blogg either, unless it is to provide spiritaul nuorishment. This particular post has had about 500 hits today, so maybe someone liked it.

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    Replies
    1. Four hundred & ninety nine of the hits were by Phil

      Delete
  13. Lots of people read this blog that don't read The Telegraph blogs mainly because Catholic bloggers recommended it.

    One of them also recommended Damian's book which I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed reading.

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  14. The 14th of this month was the proudest day of my life. I was finally banned outright from Telegraph Blogs. I drank to Mabel Thompson tonight. Although nowhere near as much as she will have done.

    The ban came within hours, possibly minutes, of its most-read contributor's having become my follower on Twitter. The previous night, I had posted the following comment in reply to Thompson's lashings and lashings of Sour Old Fruit (or was it Bitter Lemon?) about Owen Jones:

    "One from your own era:

    Along the boulevards he'd cruise,
    And all the old queens blew a fuse.

    If Owen Jones ends up like Rod Stewart's Georgie, then we shall all know whom to blame.
    "

    Add in my pointing out of the fact that that very site, which makes no claim to be uniformly right-wing (that would be a perfectly valid excuse), carries not one but two veteran Trotskyists, one of them of staunchly neoconservative views and thus exposing the true nature of neoconservatism, plus a bitter old Blairite who is only there in order to annoy the New Statesman. As I ought to have added, plenty of hope there for anyone preparing to join the ever-lengthening dole queues when the Socialist Worker goes to the wall. Watch that space.

    When I wrote about this on my blog, a comment read:

    "Regularly pointing out that the site was illegal because it was fishing above the line for people to post racist material below, that cannot have helped.

    Calling for Thompson to be prosecuted and asking who he had paid off to avoid being, that cannot have helped in the least.

    Keep up the good work.


    I do and I will.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Add in my pointing out of the fact that that very site, which makes no claim to be uniformly right-wing (that would be a perfectly valid excuse), carries not one but two veteran Trotskyists, one of them of staunchly neoconservative views and thus exposing the true nature of neoconservatism, plus a bitter old Blairite who is only there in order to annoy the New Statesman"

      Who is this 'neocon' former trot then?

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    2. Alan Johnson. Even tweets as @schactman. And it depends what you mean by "former".

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    3. I mean this in the most charitable way, but is it not possible that your exit from Telegraph Blogs was based largely on the... unique... style of your writing, rather than the content? Alan Johnson and particularly Dan Hodges write well, which makes them an enjoyable read even, or especially, when you disagree with them.

      Delete
    4. Oh, it was a very lucky escape. Imagine if I had still been there. By the end of this year, possibly the middle, either it won't be, or Mabel and her assorted fanboys won't be. Possibly both.

      Delete
  15. From the latest edition of Private Eye:

    "So. Farewell then Toby Young, sacked from the Sunday edition of the Sun after less than a year to limp back to that sheltered housing unit for the incurably insane, Telegraph Blogs.

    He has been replaced by Louise Mensch, who earns her first regular berth chez Murdoch with a column that promises to be "tough, outspoken and sharp". Although James and Rupert probably won't mind too much if she misses a couple of columns because she has got to leave early to pick up the kids from school...
    "

    Mensch (or possibly Bagshawe) had a Telegraph Blog for an even shorter time than I did, although unlike mine hers can no longer be accessed online; they have merely removed most of the comments from my posts, to make it look as if no one read them. What a lucky escape. She was also briefly a Contributing Editor of The Spectator, of which Young was and is Associate Editor. Revolving doors.

    But replaced with Louise Mensch! Oh, the shame, the shame! How fortunate that even someone quite that disgraced can still find a refuge above the line on Telegraph Blogs.

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  16. The blocking of contributors, who have supported traditional Christian faith and values, might have a demonic dimension.

    It does seem strange that one individual can get away with adopting a whole host of identities, who at the same time, whilst purporting to be a Christian himself, supports atheists who mock the Christian faith.

    Such behaviour is not only hurtful but also confusing.

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  17. So Damian is simply shutting his eyes to what goes on in his blog. And now it seems that he has blocked me on Twitter, simply for pointing out that he's got a problem. Woeful.

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    Replies
    1. All the signs point to a complete Damian Thompson meltdown. I blame it on his addiction to custard.

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    2. FR have you ever considered that Phil is Damians younger & smarter brother?

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  18. Damian Thompson on Twitter

    " I haven't looked at the stupid ramblings."

    "The flaw in your reasoning is assuming that I *read* the stuff under my columns. I don't. life is too short."

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  19. His flaming skills improve from month to month ...

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  20. ...If every created thing including time is an extension of the angelic inteelingence..then no-thing...is wasted..if earth is heaven's'compost heap...then the mouldering necessity of lessons learned sprout from the garden of worms whose digestive dross nourishes the cycle of birth and death...God's'grace building on nature...

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