This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Monday, 4 July 2016

Chilcot report on the Reformation awaited

This week sees the publication of Sir John Chilcot's long-awaited report on the Reformation in England. In 1553, Queen Mary appointed Chilcot to conduct this enquiry into the circumstances surrounding the 1534 attack on the Catholic Church, but it has taken Sir John 463 years to come to some definite conclusions.

medieval monk with quill pen

Sir John Chilcot begins to draft his report.

It is likely that the lion's share of the blame for the action that led to the death of thousands and destroyed monasteries will fall to Henry VIII, also known as "Tudy". Although initially a very popular ruler among his subjects, and elected with a huge majority in 1509, Tudy is now universally regarded as a cruel and greedy despot. Tudy was aided by his sidekick "Alastair" Cromwell, with his famous claim that the Pope had weapons of Mass Destruction targeted on the Archbishop of Canterbury, and that they could be deployed within 45 minutes.

Fountains Abbey

Fountains Abbey was destroyed, but no WMDs were ever found.

Of course Henry Tudy has long since departed from public life, and is believed to be living a quiet life in retirement under the name of Brian Blessed. It is unlikely that he will be impeached for war crimes at this late stage.

It is generally agreed that the Catholic Church in England has still not fully recovered from Tudy's War, even after nearly 500 years. A succession of puppet rulers has been put in place - most recently Car-din al-Cormac and Car-din al-Nichols - but they have not succeeded in restoring the ancient glories of Cath-liq.

Nichols and Westminster Cathedral

Al-Nichols stands outside the Grand Mosque.


  1. Henry disposed of Dick “the Sad” Plantagenet and that Poleish woman who must have been from over there somewhere, with a name like that. I think that's what the Taffy's are still singing about?

  2. This is actually the second official report into the Reformation. Chilcot One was conducted personally by Mrs T (Tudor) in 1553. Sir John was then a mere stripling, and as they didn’t have Hansard in those days the report was published as “Foxe’s Book of Martyrs” instead. Among those handbagged by Mrs T was Archbishop Kranmer - a kind of British Kasper on steroids. Sadly, Chilcot One went up in flames – literally, as it happens – but in the longer term it did at least provide the model for New Labour’s more tolerant and inclusive vision of society, in which everyone gets a “stake” .

  3. Alas, Fr. Marty Luther's weapon of Mass destruction was knocked up onto a cathedral door in less than 45 seconds ...