Dear Priests of the Archdiocese of Westminster,
You have probably read in the Tablet about a misguided statement from Cardinal Sarah, Prefect of the Congregation for Divine Worship, suggesting that some priests might like to consider the possibility, perhaps, if it not too much trouble, and nobody minds, of maybe going so far as celebrating some Masses ad orientem.
For those of you under the age of 60 who won't have learnt any Latin, this is the Language of Satan's way of saying "with your back turned rudely towards the congregation, making it hard for them to take selfies with you during Mass".
I'm so glad to see the back of Cardinal Sarah.
Now I wouldn't go as far as my mentor, Cardinal Kasper, who said "Blimey! Those fuzzy-wuzzy priests are getting a bit above themselves, aren't they?" but it is clear to me that my own opinions - those of a cardinal who is, dare I say it, papabile - must outweigh any ideas put forward by some jumped-up chap from the CDW who has clearly never thought about the issue.
May I remind you all that the General Instruction of the Roman Missal - which has come down to us unchanged from the days of Moses - explicitly says that the altar should be pulled back from the wall so that the cleaners can easily dust it, and this means NO FACING EAST OR YOU WILL GO TO HELL.
On rare occasions, facing East is unavoidable.
May I also emphasise that the celebration of the Church’s Liturgy is not a place in which priests are to exercise personal preference or taste - it is MY personal preference and taste that should be your guide in all things, even when people from the CDW say otherwise. I've even got the Pope on my side - well, I've got Lombardi and Rosica, and the Holy Father always backs up what they say, if he doesn't want to find caterpillars in his bed.
So I'm sure you'll all agree that, as your ordinary - and I have always tried to be as ordinary as possible - all matters of liturgy, doctrine, morals, and choice of football team to support are my decision and mine only. So belt up, the lot of you.
And my fan club, the Mini Vinnies, agrees with me!