This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Thursday, 14 July 2016

Pokémon Go - catch those cardinals!

Yes, it's the new game that's sweeping the Catholic Church - Pokémon Go! The rules are very simple: scattered around the world are 212 funny little creatures known as "cardinals" and your job is to "catch" them all!

Vincent Nichols and Theresa May

Theresa May takes time off her busy schedule to catch the cheeky Nicol.

The Pokémon cardinals can turn up in a variety of odd places - some have even been sighted in churches wandering around in circles trying to decide whether to face east or west. The greatest density of the creatures is in Rome, but nowhere - however unlikely - can be ruled out. The Baldisseri was seen playing "Chopsticks" on the piano at the London Oratory, while others have been seen hiding (badly) among dancing girls.

Dolan and the girls

Another sighting! The tubby creature known as Donut.

To "catch" a cardinal, you need to go up to him and give him the "kiss of peace". This can be anything from a formal handshake to a full-scale passionate hug. But be careful! These funny creatures like to hide (except for some, who seem to be everywhere).

Kasper and Rosica

He's behind you! Old Kaspa hides from Pokémon-addict Thomas Rosica.

Pope Francis is known to be a Pokémon fan, but this is mainly so that he can keep track of his cardinals and block them from any liturgical practices that date from before Vatican II. Other celebrity Catholics regularly seen hunting for cardinals include Damian Thompson, Tina Beattie ("only 3 of the cardinals are actually women" she complains), and even Michael Voris. But the game is not limited to Catholics, and many others are becoming addicted to it...

Vincent Nichols and the Hindu

"I've got one!" A Hindu holy man joins in the fun.


  1. Eccles, please enlighten me. I think I know who Donut is, but why is the camel looking at him like that?

    1. Sorry, Uncle, I don't have any insight into the minds of camels.

    2. It is quite unlikely that camels look directly in the eyes of high ranking Christians, after the sinister threats of getting one of them through the eye of a needle.
      It's quite likely that he is looking at the girls, wondering about the weird placement of their humps.

    3. As a life-long student of the camelid mind, I can assist. The camel is either:
      1. Aware that he was inadvertently facing east and turned in an effort to demonstrate that he was of a modernist persuasion.
      2. Realised that his good side should face the camera if his projected image were ever to be selected to grace the Vatican at the next 'nature-fest'.
      3. Couldn't quite believe what was going on.
      4. Was, in fact, only the front end of a pantomime camel, whispering details of the strange goings on to the rear end who wouldn't of course have believed it.
      5. Was scandalised and was preparing to spit (as camels so often do) at the man dressed as a cardinal for undermining the office of real cardinals.
      My invoice will follow.

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    5. Did you know His Eminence appeared as a bartender in what I think was a fantasy sequence on a sitcom recently?
      At least it looked like him...