This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Wednesday, 16 November 2016

Saint of the Week - St Antony of Spadaro

St Antony of Spadaro is a much-loved saint, and in many ways the opposite of his namesake St Antony of Padua. When people wish to lose objects - or even to pretend they never existed - they pray to St Antony of Spadaro, and if their prayers are answered, then the embarrassing items disappear and can be totally ignored.

St Antony of Spadaro

A truly holy man.

A grateful customer, J. Bergoglio of Rome, writes:

I was severely embarrassed when four cardinals wrote a letter to me containing a list of five "Dubia", or embarrassing questions about Amoris Laetitia. However, I prayed to St Antony of Spadaro, and the letter miraculously disappeared as if it had never existed, and I was able to ignore it!

Spadaro tweet

See! All your doubts have disappeared! Just like that!

Since the letter from the four cardinals clearly never existed, we can only speculate what the five Dubia might have been, but here are some likely guesses:

1. Are you still a Catholic?

2. We know you didn't write Amoris Laetitia, but have you actually read it?

3. Is a person in a three-way marriage involving one man and two women, who has murdered a previous wife, who keeps a sex slave in his cellar, and and who is now contemplating a "sex-change", while at the same time feeling an unhealthy attraction to his goldfish, allowed to take communion?

4. Can Jesuits be saved?

5. As cardinals we feel it is our duty to advise you, so will you please take our advice and put Cardinal Kasper in a padded cell?

Tommy Cooper

"Just like that!" A devotee of St Antony of Spadaro attempts to make things vanish.

Another grateful customer, L. Baldisseri of Rome, writes:

Last year we held a synod whose purpose was to think of new ways of undermining family life. However, it was nearly sabotaged when five cardinals produced a book explaining Christian doctrine - which, we all realise, was made obsolete in the 1960s. They attempted to post their book to participants at the synod. However, I prayed to St Antony of Spadaro, and the books miraculously disappeared from the Vatican postal system (Cardinal Pat, with his black and white cat), never to be seen again! Thank you, oh thank you, St Antony of Spadaro!

Postman Pat

Cardinal Pat of the Vatican postal service.


  1. The saint was recently seen in a very distressed mood, to the point of losing patience with a very insistent devotee, shouting back: "I would lose my halo that way, Mrs. Clinton!"

  2. A "not-so-impossible" scenario. Francis responds: Not sure about other questions, but regarding number 3, it's rather obvious. I'll discern this one myself. In order to admit all parties to the communion and exclude no one, the following is needed. Man needs accompaniement, women need foot washing with kissing, fish has to stop with the rigidity and be open to the man, and I'll phone the slave and tell her she's "all clear" to receive. Was that such a bid deal?

  3. To my knowledge those books were put into the Italian postal system (bad idea as they like to make bonfires behind the P.O. in times of stress), but actually reached the Vatican in time to be Holy Spirited away. However, a few survived - in fact I have one in my house...

  4. You couldn't make it up.

    Could you ?