This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Monday, 20 July 2020

Receiving in the hand or on the tongue?

And there came unto the prophet Eccles a holy priest who asked the following question:

Longenecker asks a question

A real toughie!

So Eccles consulted a few friends, each of whom received Communion in a different way, and this is what they said:

Fay Risee, receiver in the hand.

I thank God that I am not like that wretched publican over there, who is kneeling down and hoping to receive on the tongue. My bishop really hates anything that smacks of "traditionalism", "believing in the Real Presence", "reverence", etc., and he has given instructions to all his priests that if they attempt to offer the sacrament on the tongue, they will be cast into the outer darkness, where there is wailing and gnashing of teeth. Or perhaps the SSPX. Who cares whether it is safer to receive on the tongue or in the hand? My bishop is the only God I believe in!

"Nervous" Odo, worshipper at St Daryl the Apostate's.

In ordinary times, Fr Phil would consecrate bread that he had bought from Tesco's on the way to Mass. Sometimes he couldn't get bread and used Eccles cakes! No way could they be delivered on the tongue. But now for safety reasons, we have individually packaged hosts in little envelopes, which we can take home and consume at our leisure. Or give them to friends!

self service Communion

Self service!

Telly Addict, watcher of livestream masses.

For me it is not an issue, as I no longer attend Church, but watch all my masses by livestream. Unless there is something better on. That Ed Stewpot with his semi-religious BBC show "Sunday" is very good, isn't he? Last week he had the Dalai Lama, George Soros, and the Chief Satanist all commenting on climate change. Anyway, when I do listen the priest encourages us to make a "spiritual communion" instead. Of course, I don't always manage to do this - last time, the man from Amazon rang the doorbell, delivering my copy of the best-selling Bumper Book of Bishop Barron Burbles - but it's the thought that counts, isn't it?

Ivereigh lays down the law

Chairman Ivereigh has spoken.


  1. Whoops! I read Chairman Ivereigh's comment too quickly - thought he said 'Priests who don't assent to that instruction should be isolated from their frocks'...

  2. Dwight longneck should read the Imitation book IV chapter 1 "How Christ is to be received "

  3. It always used to amuse me that at the start of the way of the cross in Fatima there was a notice in Portuguese forbidding Shepherds from bringing their flocks. No doubt Austen would have approved.

  4. Eccles, you forget to mention the official Bishops Conference liturgical advice for socially-distanced Covid-19 clown Mass, where the red-nosed celebrant stands in the aisle and juggles up to fifty hosts (chalice optional depending on juggling skills of the clown celebrant), and the faithful take turns to reach out for the host of their choice, or the chalice if available. (The lucky winner of the chalice also takes home a bottle of Frascati personally collected from the supermarket and signed by the head gardener at Castel Gandolfo.)

  5. Quite clearly, the Host (if He can still be called as that in the midst of all these abuses of Him) could simply be tucked into each "catholic's" mask by an Extraordinary Minister equipped with surgical latex gloves, as the Celebrant sprays himself with powerful disinfectant liturgical products.

    Mea bursa, mea maxima bursa ... as any good solid Bible-believing holy pharisee might put it, as he crosses the road to avoid that ghastly blood-stained probably corona-positive wretch on the other side.

    I must protect myself, because I am Bible-believing Holy !!!

    All that I say is God-breathed from my own weird interpretations of Scripture. Including all of the concrete doves and clown make-up.

    I am saved by "faith" (you is not savd, only I is savd) and any or all aggressive sanitary measures that must be adhered to religiously by all human persons under pain of lengthy imprisonment, are after all certainly -- not works !!

    1. Gin is a perfectly useful antiseptic for saved pussons.

      'Hic' & haec hoc,
      Anty Moly

  6. I luv this kind of dilemmas.

    "Which is better? to humbly eat a raw glyphosate infested potato, or to receive with a heart full of gluttony a rare spiced fiorentina accompained by a lustful barolo?"

    This is a very "yes, yes, no, no" kind of speech, I guess?

    1. Time for another sip of my gin & yer welcome.