Francis "shocked" to discover that China is ruled by baddies

The Vatican-China deal (arranged by that wily oriental Pa-Ro Lin) is now in tatters, after the Chinese went ahead and appointed two new cardinals, Ro-Chee and Mac-El Roy, without any consultation.

"I am shocked, SHOCKED, you hear, to discover that China, which we had assumed was as benevolently run as the Vatican, is in fact run by a brutal dictator who persecutes the Traditional Latin Mass" said the Holy Father today.

Cardinal Czerny (moustached) tells Pa-Ro Lin that he is SHOCKED.

"If only someone had warned me that President Xi was not to be trusted!" said Pope Francis. "Surely we have some of our own clerics over there who are not members of the Chinese Secret Police? Couldn't one of them have taken the trouble to come to Rome to warn me that things were not going too well over there?"

There's even a rumour that some cardinal I've never heard of has been arrested and put on trial for alleged financial misdeeds. Cardinal Becciu tells me he is SHOCKED as well."

No sign of any Chinese cardinals in Rome!

Still, all is not lost. Pope Francis has asked one of his synod "experts", the wily little oriental I-va Ree (you've done that joke already) to go to China and "sort them out". I-va Ree already has a China-style suit, whch he wears when he wants people to take him seriously (not much luck there!) so he should fit in well.

"What the Chinese need is more synods!" says I-va Ree.

Bad Hymns 27

Aujourd'hui nous are writing ce blogue en Franglais, la langue internationale, car nous avons invité M. Claude Joseph Rouget de Lisle to tell us about La Marseillaise. Our own anthem God Save the Queen est un hymne religieux, and a very effectif un, since, spurred on by "Long to Reign Over Us", La Reine has already reigned soixante ans and is in bonne forme for another soixante. La Marseillaise est un peu plus séculaire.

Well, it's O.K., but wouldn't Savez-vous planter les choux be a better anthem?

Curieusement, La Marseillaise n'a pas les silliest lyrics de tous les national anthems. In Delingpoland, ils chantent "Long live the Grand Duke and may his breakfast egg and bacon cause his ears to flourish"; while in West Ed they are moved aux larmes by the mots "Bless the land of West Ed, and its men and women, its dogs and cats, its donkeys and goats, its llamas and possums" (and so on throughout tout le kingdom des animaux); enfin, the Republic of Odone anthem consists of le seul mot "Odone" sung 1728 times, although une version plus courte de 640 repeats is allowed en cas d'urgence.

Patriots singing On les plante avec le nez, à la mode de chez nous!

E: Still here nous sommes, avec M. Rouget de Lisle. Claude, je gather that vous êtes un membre of the sans-culottes?

CJRdL: That's rather une question personnelle, M. Eccles. In fact je porte des "longues-Jeans" knitted by my Tante Fifi. Il fait froid à Paris, mon vieux.

E: Now, your chanson is très bloodthirsty, all to do with des personnes waving blood-stained drapeaux at vous.

CJRdL: La Tyrannie raises son bloody banner, Eccles.

E: Could you donner un exemple?

CJRdL: Well, par exemple, Louis XVI brought in a loi about le mariage bogus, le même-sexe mariage, and his gendarmes used gaz-de-larmes to attack anyone who manifestait pour la famille, dans les rues.

E: Terrible, Claude, and I gather that he decided to sack any maires who refusaient to conduct les même-sexe mariages. Clearly such a personne deserved rien less than the guillotine!

Long-lost cousins? François (L) and Louis (R).

CJRdL: So that's pourquoi we have so many blood-soif sentiments dans ma chanson.

E: Oui, indeed I see that vous voulez remplir some ditches with impure blood?

CJRdL: It's very good for the terre, Eccles. However, by the Commune Agricole Policy, we're no longer allowed to do this. We shall have to rewrite La Marseillaise to make it plus politiquement correct.

E: Ah, les EU bureaucrats, hein? Tous les traditional country ways are disappearing, n'est-ce pas?

CJRdL: I blame the Belges.

E: Claude Joseph Rouget de Lisle (now that's a nom aristocratique!), merci beaucoup.

David Cameron explains same-sex "marriage" to a Belgian.

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Previous entries for the Eccles Bad Hymn Award:

Lord of the Dance.    Shine, Jesus, shine.    Enemy of apathy.    Walk in the Light.
Kum Ba Yah.    Follow me.    God's Spirit is in my heart.    Imagine.    Alleluia Ch-ch.
It ain't necessarily so.    I, the Lord of sea and sky.    Colours of day.    The red flag.
Go, the Mass is ended.    I watch the sunrise.    Bind us together, Lord.    Our god reigns.
My way.    Ding-Dong! The witch is dead.    If I were a butterfly.
Journeys ended, journeys begun.    The Galilee song.    The perfect face.
Jesus Christ the apple tree.    On eagle's wings.    Moses, I know you're the man.