I have long watched the career of Damian "blood-crazed ferret" Thompson with interest -
indeed I contributed to the comments section of his "Holy Smoke"
Telegraph blog as "Eccles", the brother of the idiot
"St Bosco", until I was banned. Then I contributed again as "ThisIsNotEccles" - but the moderators were not
fooled by my subtlety and I was soon banned again. Later I was cunningly "Incongito"
- this was in the days before I got a secretary, Ecclesiam, to help me with the
typing - but that didn't last long either... Anyway, the blog
you're reading would probably
not be here, were it not for my response to
the activities of Brother Bosco on Damian's blog.
Supporters of Bosco protest at his banishment from Damian's blog.
As I have recorded
elsewhere on this blog, Damian's blog was originally full of religious news and
discussion, hence the nickname "Holy Smoke".
Later, however, a distinct dumbing-down was noticed, especially after Damian
started to write a Saturday column in the Telegraph. Less frequent were the
references to Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor or the Ordinariate, and
more frequent the mentions of cupcakes, custard, the pianist
Gladys Mills, and the actress Noele Gordon. Occasionally, there were
snippets of religious gossip, such as the plots against the Nuncio, and
the prediction that Fr Alban McCoy would become the next (Catholic)
Bishop of Leeds. This event has yet to come to pass.
Damnit, Damian! I'm a doctor, not a bishop!
Finally, however, Damian parted company "amicably" with the Telegraph,
as we have recorded already; Jason the Mekon, ruler of the Treens of northern Venus,
was brought in to dumb-down the newspaper further. Luckily Bryony Gordon
and Bill Gardner, formerly of the Brighton Argus
- and who better to write about
Dull and Boring Day? -
are still there to back up the few grown-up writers remaining at the
Telegraph, such as
Tim Stanley and Tom Chivers.
Gardner of the Argus's greatest scoop.
So what of Damian?
Of course he was still doing casual journalism for the Catholic Herald
and the Spectator, but otherwise he was
alone in the world with his collection of
10 million CDs, his Gladys Mills piano, his royalties from
the Fix - soon to be a major blockbuster starring
Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz -
and a significant pay-off from
the Telegraph.
Damian received a substantial "Golden Cupcake" from the Telegraph.
Well, a few weeks later we learned that Damian had been given a real
job at the Spectator. Of course, he had to begin at the
bottom, as the tea-boy, but we all have to start somewhere, and
the senior Spectator staff appreciated having their tea poured out by
someone who could talk knowledgeably about Wagner, custard, Islam and of course
Catholicism as he helped them to sugar. Promotion was inevitable: like the chap in H.M.S. Pinafore
who "polished up that handle so carefullee, that now he is the Ruler of the
Queen's Navee", we could sing about Damian, "At making tea so good an operator, that now
he is an
Ass. Ed. of the great Spectator".
An Ass. Ed. is nothing to do with donkeys, but is an Associate Editor,
which is a very grand position indeed.
Cristina Odone is called in to help Damian interview a new tea-boy (R).
So the story has a happy ending, and Damian is blogging on
religious matters again at the Spectator's Coffee House - or Custard House,
as it is to be renamed. In-depth articles
are appearing:
Bravo, Justin Welby! Much better than Rowan Williams!
(even Anglicans get it right sometimes, eh?)
Fr Jean-Marie Charles-Roux - the priest with the William Hartnell hairstyle
(ah, comments on hairstyles make me nostalgic for the old
Telegraph days) and
Even the atheist left realise that Richard Dawkins is a bigot (a bit of an
open goal, that one).
Ad multos bloggos, Damian. Will I be allowed to comment on your posts though?
The Abbot of Amboise, a lookalike of Fr Charles-Roux.
