When I was a lad...

If you didn't enjoy I've got a little list, I am the very model of a modern liberal Catholic, or The nightmare song, then you certainly won't enjoy this one. In case the original is unfamiliar, it may be found here, for example.

Ready for the song...

When I was a lad I spent six terms
At Oxford, studying the voles and worms.
I also learnt about the frogs and mice,
And camels, crocodiles, and goats and lice.
I learned so much about zoologee
That now I am an expert on theologee!

CHORUS: He learned so much about zoologee
That now he is an expert on theologee!

Ready for the next verse...

To reach the top I had to climb uphill,
And started studying for my D.Phil.
I wrote a thesis about how hens behaved:
For four long years upon this work I slaved.
I understood those chickens so successfullee
That now I am an expert on theologee!

CHORUS: He understood those chickens so successfullee
That now he is an expert on theologee!

A well-understood chicken.

Of chicken-knowledge I acquired such a grip,
Those Oxford dons gave me a lectureship.
I told the students everything I knew
And most of them came back for Lecture 2.
I taught those students so efficientlee
That now I am an expert on theologee!

CHORUS: He taught those students so efficientlee
That now he is an expert on theologee!

The Elvis gene.

In public life I came upon the scene
By writing something called The selfish gene.
Of fame and glory I began to dream
When people said they liked my new word, "Meme".
I grew so used to saying "Me me me"
That now I am an expert on theologee!

CHORUS: He grew so used to saying "Me me me"
That now he is an expert on theologee!

On to the next verse, dudes!

I wrote another book - it was a grind - 
Of watches made by someone who was blind.
On evolution I was now expert
And treated all religious views like dirt.
I studied Darwin so assiduouslee
That now I am an expert on theologee!
 
CHORUS: He studied Darwin so assiduouslee
That now he is an expert on theologee!

The Ascent of Darwin.

In private life I'd been a little bored,
But my third wife was actress Lalla Ward.
She was no scientist, it's true,
Although she'd come to fame in Dr Who.
I learnt so much from planet Gallifree
That now I am an expert on theologee!

CHORUS: He learnt so much from planet Gallifree
That now he is an expert on theologee!

Mrs Dawkins enjoys an audio book of The Blind Watchmaker.

I walked one day around New College quad,
And thought "I know, I'll start attacking God!"
The God Delusion was the book I wrote:
Its healthy sales made me show off and gloat.
The masses so much liked tomfooleree
That now I am an expert on theologee!

CHORUS: The masses so much liked tomfooleree
That now he is an expert on theologee!

Richard helps a poor mad woman onto his bus.

I got up to a few more tricks
By baiting Anglicans and Catholics.
I tried to persecute the Pope:
I said "Arrest him!" They replied "You dope!"
I hassled Christians so effectivelee
They said "He is an expert on theologee!"

CHORUS: He hassled Christians so effectivelee
They said "He is an expert on theologee!"

Monsieur, je vous accuse d'être le Pape.

Now readers all, whoever you may be,
If you want to be an expert on theologee,
Don't read the Bible, Augustine, Jerome,
Or any writings from those men in Rome.
Just rant and rage incomprehensiblee -
And you all may be experts on theologee!

CHORUS: Just rant and rage incomprehensiblee -
And you all may be experts on theologee!

That's not how I became an expert on theology.

Religious gossip of the week

Luckily very few people read this blog, and so we are able to post items of gossip here, safe in the knowledge that we are not offending those church leaders who want their activities kept quiet.

Archbishop rescues sweet kitten from fast lane of M23.

Said the archbishop - who gave his name only as "Vin" - "I was driving back to London from the seaside, with the intention of dropping in a present from Brighton's 'gay community' to the the Immaculate Conception church in Farm Street. Well, I was nearing the end of the M23, when all at once I spotted a poor helpless kitten stranded in the fast lane of the motorway. Of course I stopped at once, ran back, and scooped the kitten from under the wheels of an approaching minibus, driven in the direction of Croydon by a wild-looking deacon. Please don't publicise this gossip, as it will compromise my reputation as a tough Liverpudlian, the hard man of the Catholic Bishops Conference, when really I'm just a big softie."

BBC announces new Prom season.

The BBC has come under criticism for the programme of its new season of Promenade concerts, announced this week. With the Last Night being generally regarded as a religious ceremony, some people have questioned the wisdom of employing a lady, Marin Alsop, to conduct the proceedings on that occasion. However, it is thought that she has been complaining that "Every time they invite me to the Albert Hall they give me a mop and ask me to clean the place."

Far more serious are the accusations of dumbing down - there will be a special evening devoted to the "music" of Paul Inwood, including such favourites as Finger-Snap Alleluia, Go and tell the world and of course Alleluia Ch-ch. Said one distinguished music critic, Damian Thompson of the Daily Custard, "I can understand Dr Who Proms, and even Proms devoted to rap music. But this is a step too far."

Bishop arrested for throwing a snowball.

Meanwhile, President François Hollande's dash for "Mariage homosexuel" in France has taken a more sinister turn, with the arrest of all potential opponents under trumped-up charges. The photo above shows a small demonstration in the Alpes-Maritimes involving the Bishop of Nice, shortly before he was hauled away and guillotined for "délit d'injure homophobe."

Don't mention Kermit Frognell!

Finally, the BBC and practically all newspapers have issued directives to their staff, saying "Don't mention Frognell!" This is a reference to Dr Kermit Frognell, the American abortionist, who is accused of several counts of murder. As one journalist pointed out: "If we start criticising Frognell, we shall have to criticise Obama, whose own views on abortion are very similar. And then we might have to start criticising Harold Shipman, Joseph Mengele, William Palmer, and various other mass-murdering doctors. No, let's just think beautiful thoughts instead. Have you seen this church that looks like a chicken?"

Uncontroversial photo of chicken-church.

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 13

Continued from Chapter 12

1. And it came to pass that the fame of Richard spread abroad, even unto Sri Lanka, and there came wise men from the East who would name a fish after him.

The dawkins

2. And Richard was greatly pleased; for he said "My friend Anthony Grayling hath given his name unto a fish, and even my friend Stephen Fry hath given his name unto the young of the fish. Now my name will also live for evermore.

3. For from generation unto generation, men will enter into the shop that is called Harry Ramsden's, and say 'Dawkins and chips, please, darling.'"

Richard's main contribution to the study of fish

4. And the name of Dawkins became known throughout the fish-loving world; yeah, his words became as famous as the words of the philosopher Captain Haddock, he who once spake of the ten thousand thundering typhoons.

Captain Haddock reads of Richard's work on shellfish genes.

5. And now (finally) began the long spiritual journey of Richard, that which began with unbelief and ended with his being taken up to Heaven.

6. For Richard began to question his faith for the first time in his life. "Yeah," he said, "I am not an atheist, he who denieth God. I am an agnostic, he who hath not much of a clue about anything."

7. And he was told of the words of the philosopher Wittgenstein, he who said "If thou knowest not what thou talkest about, then shut up."

8. "But I cannot shut up," said Richard, "for I have many followers, who worship at the Dawkins foundation of reason and science. They cannot think for themselves, so where will they go if I allow my lips to cease their eternal motion?"

9. So Richard went to Cambridge, and visited the tomb of Wittgenstein. And lo! a sign was given unto him.

A chicken at Wittgenstein's grave

10. For there was a chicken at the tomb, and it spake unto Richard, saying "Cluck!"

11. And Richard, who had written a thesis on chicken behaviour, knew that this meant, "Be silent, O fool!" or possibly "May I offer you a worm?"

12. And Richard saw this sign and said in his heart, "Now I am confused indeed."

13. But lo! there now came into his life a wondrous book, which was set to confuse Richard even more.

What wisdom lies inside this wondrous book?

Continued in Chapter 14

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 10

Continued from Chapter 9

Fr Dawkins (R) greets a devout worshipper (L)

1. So The Dawkins Cult began to flourish, and the faithful Dawkinsites met every Sunday to sing hymns to their god.

2. They sang Through the night of Dawkins sorrow, and What a friend we have in Richard, yeah, and even O Come, All Ye Faithless [that's enough atheist hymns. God.]

A meeting of the Dawkins Foundation

3. And Richard said, "My work is not yet done. I shall found the Out Campaign, so that atheists may come out of the closet, and declare themselves publicly."

4. For do not the Christians shout abuse at us, yeah, even beat us up when they come out of Midnight Mass?

An atheist comes out of the closet

5. And it was so. And Richard saw that it was good.

6. So then Richard said, "Now let there be a fleet of buses, which may carry forth our message to the world in no uncertain terms."

7. And the first message was a message of War, which struck terror into the hearts of the Christians, the Muslims, and the Jews. A mighty army of buses bore this writing, in words of fire:

8. THERE'S PROBABLY NO GOD, BUT LET'S FACE IT WE COULD BE WRONG. THERE'S NO POINT BEING DOGMATIC ABOUT THESE THINGS. WHAT IF HE DECIDES TO SMITE US?

9. And the second message was a message of Peace, which struck terror into the hearts of counsellors, psychiatrists and social workers everywhere, as they realised that they were going to lose many customers:

10. ANYWAY, DON'T WORRY TOO MUCH ABOUT IT. WHY NOT JUST SIT DOWN AND HAVE A NICE CUP OF TEA?

11. And Richard obtained his bus driver's licence, that he might drive round the country with his twin messages of War and Peace.

12. And many men entered into the buses of Richard, paid their fares, and were taken for a ride. Which was only to be expected.

A veteran of the bus wars

13. And at about this time, Richard reached the noble age of three score years and seven.

14. And the learned dons of Oxford said, "At last! We can be shot of the old coot, who is, frankly, a bit of an embarrassment to us."

15. And to make sure that he really was going, they erected a mighty silver statue in memory of the great man.

The Dawkins Monument, Oxford

16. But this was not the end of Richard's illustrious career, as we shall see.

Continued in Chapter 11

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 9

Continued from Chapter 8

1. And Richard spake, saying, "None of the existing religions has quite got the true message of Creation, that I am God and alone worthy of worship. So I shall found a new religion, and it shall be called The Richard Dawkins Foundation for Reason and Science."

The book of Gene-sis

2. And many multitudes came to worship Richard, yeah, even impressionable teenage girls, who screamed and threw their underwear onto the stage whereon he strode.

3. And Richard said, "This is very gratifying, but I cannot sing, and most of my fans have already heard my famous lecture on Why did the chicken's genes tell it to cross the road?"

4. So he sent forth messengers to search through the collected wisdom of the ages (Google and Wikipedia), to obtain some suggestions for what makes a popular religion.

5. And the messengers returned and said, "Tax-free status. Regular collections of money. Polygamy. Big buildings. Brain washing. Human sacrifices. Hymns. Women covering their entire body in a sheet. Yours could be the first religion to do all these at once."

6. So Richard struggled for many months, and finally obtained tax-free status. For the Charity Commissioners said "It seems to us that you're just a barking mad self-publicist. Why do you not try and be more like Tom Cruise, Sun Myung Moon, Mitt Romney, and other pious saintly men? But we suppose we'll have to let you get away with it."

7. And Richard said, "Indeed, we plan to adopt some of the ideas of other churches, in a secular context. I quite like the idea of polygamy, as although I have had three wives, I have never had more than one at once."

Tipped as a possible "back-up" wife for Richard Dawkins

8. But his third wife Lalla smote Richard with a frying-pan, and he decided that after all polygamy was not a high priority. Likewise, she refused to cover her entire body in a sheet, so he quietly dropped that idea too.

9. And Richard spake, saying, "It is important to educate the masses, that they may be my worshippers all their life."

10. "Let me present the DAWKOTRON, which will cleanse the brains of my disciples, the Dawkies, from any lingering thoughts of other religions."

The Dawkotron in action

11. And Richard launched an online shop, dawkins.ripoffs.com, wherein the faithful Dawkies could buy relics of their god.

12. And he sold recordings of his inspiring speeches: "I have a meme" (Hitchens's Bar in Washington D.C.), "I have nothing to offer but blood, sweat, and tears - here's my DNA sample" (Scotland Yard interview room), and "Government of the genes, by the genes, for the genes, shall not perish from the earth" (Gettysburg Lunatic Asylum).

13. Then there were shirts, ties, strait-jackets, and saucy underwear, all tastefully embroidered with the motto of the Foundation.

Dawkins is God

14. And Dawkins looked the the finances, and lo! they were very good. For his latest book The God Confusion had been translated into 94 vibrant languages, including Ancient Macedonian, Paleo-Norman and Crimean Gothic, while The Dawkins Cult was attracting many worshippers anxious to be parted from their money.

15. So that all The Dawkins Cult lacked to make it a proper religion was a temple, and some catchy hymns to sing. As we shall see.

Continued in Chapter 10

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 6

Continued from Chapter 5

1. And it came to pass that Richard, having passed his fiftieth year, decided to take unto himself a third wife.

2. For he said unto himself, "My genes cry out most woefully, 'Richard, it is not good for thee to be alone. Thou hast not changed thy socks for two years, and thy shirts lack buttons.'"

3. And many fair and virtuous women queued up outside Richard's house, saying, "Let us mingle our genes with thine, O mighty zoologist, thou who knowest the secrets of the blind watchmaker, and the deaf piano-tuner, yeah and even the completely mad lecturer."

4. For Richard had long since put aside the days of his youth, when he wrote mainly of chickens.

Shall I kill him now, Doctor?

5. And there came unto him a fair maiden, whose name was Leela, and she said, "O Richard, take me as thy wife, that I may stab thine enemies to death."

6. But Richard was looking for someone a little more intellectual. For his days of violence were still far in the future.

Probably too brainy for Dr Dawkins

7. And then another fair maiden, named Romana, threw herself before Richard. But he trampled her underfoot and went on his way.

Mrs Dawkins III relaxes with some friends

8. Finally, there came to him a lady from Gallifrey, one endowed with the finest of genes. And they were wed.

9. Then Richard finally achieved greatness, for he was appointed to the position of Simonyi Professor for the Public Understanding of Science at Oxford. And his enemies joked, saying "Simony, eh? Did he pay for his preferment?"

10. But the answer was No, it was just that this Simonyi was a man with far more money than sense.

A slight misunderstanding

11. Anyway, the people said, "At last, after 25 years in which he spake unto us of chickens and genes, Richard will finally help us understand all of science."

11. So they asked him many difficult questions about science, such as "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?" and "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

12. And Richard said to himself, "Alas, they do not yet realise that I am an expert on all areas of science, and I know the ways of the Higgs Boson, the Benzene Ring and the Last Theorem of Fermat. Yeah, and chickens too, of course."

13. "But first I shall fire off a blizzard of pot-boilers, since frankly it is quite expensive being married to a lady from Gallifrey who keeps wanting to go home and see her mother; for even the abundant wealth of Mr Simonyi cannot pay the fares".

14. Meanwhile, further recognition came to Richard, in the form of many honorary degrees, from places as widespread as the Cyberman University of Mondas, the Dalek College of Skaro, and the University of Sontar.

Richard Dawkins in the academic dress of the University of Sontar

15. But as the new millennium arrived, the life of Richard reached a turning point; for he began to lose his last remaining grasp on reality. As we shall now see.

Continued in Chapter 7

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 3

Continued from Chapter 2

1. For six long years Richard spake unto the young men of Oxford, telling them the ways of the sloth. Yeah, and he spake unto them also of the ways of the chicken.

2. And the young men said "Thank God that's over! Let us go down to the pub now."

3. But Richard continued his researches into the unknown. He hardened his heart against the humble chicken, and decided to break ground in pastures new.

A humble chicken

4.  And Richard cried out unto the Lord with a woeful heart, saying, "Lord, thou probably dost not exist, but anyway, here I am, an obscure lecturer in zoology. Grant unto me fame and fortune, and perhaps a prettier wife who can operate a Tardis. If not, I shall be stuck here for another thirty years, telling the young men the way of the tortoise."

5. And God spake unto Richard, saying, "Why not write a book? It did wonders for My servant Isaiah, who became a prophet in good standing."

6. And Richard said unto himself, "Clearly there is no god, but my genes are telling me that I should write a book. And I shall call it Richard Dawkins's naughty book of sex."

7. But the wise men at Oxford University Press spake unto Richard saying, "Thou mayst mention sex, if thou wishest, but we prefer a more sober title.

8. So they considered Take off your jeans, I'm feeling selfish, but eventually they shortened it to The Selfish Gene.

9. Although some called it The Shellfish Gene, and others debated whether it should be The Shellfish's Jeans. After which, of course, the world would be Richard's oyster.

Richard Dawkins and Prof. Walrus making jeans for shellfish

10. And the main theme of Richard's book, once he had deleted the passages about the women of the night eating oysters in Paris, was genetics.

11. "Lo!" he said. "I am a worthless being, and I am only here so that my parents' genes may be passed on to the next generation."

12. And many people spake unto Richard, saying "Indeed it is the truth, thou art a worthless being." But, as it happens, he had not yet passed on his genes.

13. And the ancestors of Richard, they who had built up the family fortunes, and owned many slaves in Jamaica, looked down upon him and said, "This is a poor lookout for our genes so far."

Aha, Jim Lad, young Richard is letting down the family traditions

14. Yeah, even Black Henry Dawkins,  he who had owned more than one thousand slaves, looked down (well, up, in his case), and said, "I know not what the youth of today is coming to. Young Richard is writing books when he could be dealing in slaves and passing on our genes."

15. But slowly fame was coming to Richard, although he was not yet quite as famous as the Lord.

16. For he was to fulfil the words of Ecclesiastes: Of making many books there is no end: and much study is an affliction of the flesh. 

Continued in Chapter 4.

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 2

Continued from Chapter 1

1.Thus it came to pass that in the eighth year of the reign of Queen Elizabeth, when Macmillan was governor of Westminster, a youth by the name of Richard Dawkins went to Oxford to study zoology.

2. And he learned the ways of the ferret, yeah and the ways of the terrapin. The ways of the donkey and the vole studied he also, and for many days he studied the ways of the earwig. And... (Get on with it. God.)

3. But the way of the marsh-wiggle studied he not, nor the ravenous bugblatter beast of Traal. Neither did he study the way of the snark.

4. Nor indeed did he study the ways of the cookie monster. For the learned professors in their wisdom said unto Richard, "These animals are a snare and a delusion, and not real animals at all."

A snare and a delusion

5. And Richard was troubled in his heart and said, "Surely this proves that God is also a delusion?" For logic was not his strong point.

6. Thus after three years of study, in which he learned the ways of the possum, yeah and the ways of the whelk... (I said, get on with it. God.)

7. It came to pass that Richard said to himself, "I am as clever as anyone else round here, and I shall write a thesis on animal behaviour."

8. And the learned doctors they said, "Richard, thou whose mind is as the icebergs of the north, vast but frozen, go thou forth and write a thesis on models of animal decision-making."

9. And Richard said, "Yea, I shall tell the world how chickens make decisions. How doth the little chicken know when to say 'cheep' and when to remain silent? How doth a wise chicken weigh up the evidence and decide that there is no God? Why doth the foolish chicken sing 'cluck' to the Lord?"

A decisive chicken

10. Thus three years passed, and Richard wrote his mighty thesis. And the men of Oxford said, "Richard, you are too brainy for us. Go thou to Berkeley."

11. And Richard took unto himself a wife, the first of three comely wenches to be fascinated by his charm and animal magnetism, and he made his way to California, the land of the fanatical, the deranged, and the exhibitionist. Strangely, he felt at home there.

12. And it came to pass after three more years, that Richard decided that the time had come to grow into manhood, for he was twenty-nine years of age and people were starting to say, "Surely this limey kook is the oldest hippie on campus?"

13. And so Richard returned to Oxford, there to take up the post of lecturer in zoology.

14. And he spake unto the people, telling them the ways of the hedgehog, and the emu, and... (I warned you. God.)

An Oxford zoologist

Continued in Chapter 3.

Bad hymns 3

 Today's entry for the Eccles Bad Hymn Award is the Pentecost hymn Enemy of Apathy by John L. Bell and Graham Maule. As usual, we invited the authors to come along and explain themselves.

---

E: Welcome, the two of you. Since your hymn isn't as well-known as some of the others we have been discussing, perhaps you could sing the first verse to us?

JLB and GM: She sits like a bird, brooding on the waters, 

Hovering on the chaos of the world's first day; 

She sighs and she sings, mothering creation, 

Waiting to give birth to all the Word will say.

E: Thank you. So who is "she" in this context? In the office we were betting that it was either Mary Magdalene or possibly an Old Testament figure such as Eve, Sarah or Ruth. Not the Blessed Virgin Mary, given that you are being so rude about her?

JLB: Rude?

E: "She sits like a bird." Now, birds sit in lots of different ways. Do you mean she sits like a chicken? A penguin? A duck?

Sitting like a duck.

GM: Well, "she" is the Holy Spirit, so I suppose we should have said "She sits like a dove."

E: The Holy Spirit? Well, if you want to say the Holy Spirit is female, then I suppose we can't stop you, even if there's no real Biblical authority for this idea.You're not Wiccans, are you? Mother Earth Goddess stuff? No?

JLB: No. Well, yes. But not really.

E: Now, we were wondering  about the next line. "Hovering on the chaos of the world's first day." Very fine, but how does a bird sit and hover at the same time?

GM: You're going to ask us next how a dove sighs and sings at the same time, too, aren't you?

E: Well, I was wondering. Actually, the song reminds me a little of Gilbert and Sullivan. Some of your clunkier phrases later on, such as "Nourishing potential hidden to our eyes" or "Enemy of apathy and heavenly dove" could be taken straight out of The Mikado, couldn't they?

JLB: No.

GM: Did you like "She dances in fire, startling her spectators"? I wrote that bit. That's real poetry, that is.

E: Of course, spectators would be startled to see anyone dancing in fire. Do birds dance though? I think you've got a bit of a metaphor overload problem there.

She dances in fire.

GM: He's not taking this seriously, is he, John?

JLB: No. (Exeunt.)

E: John L. Bell and Graham Maule, thank you for coming along to explain your song.

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 1

1. Now there was abiding in the town of Nai-rob-i a woman, named Jean Mary Vyvyan Dawkins, whom some called "Selfish Jean," wedded to a man, named Clinton John Dawkins.

2. This man was an an agricultural civil servant, and drank many cups of tea in the service of the King.

3. And he was a man of great power and might, who controlled the supply of animal manure to the peoples of the land of Ken-ya. And their crops grew in abundance.

4. Now it came to pass that an angel of the Lord came down to visit Jean, and said, "Congratulations, you shall give birth to an atheist."

5. "And you shall call him 'Clinton Richard,' after his father; and he will be known as 'Richard,' or, to his enemies as 'Dr Bonkers.'" However, he shall not drink many cups of tea in the service of the King."

6. "Still, you must train him well, so that, like his father, he may devote his skills to seeing that the people lack not a goodly supply of manure, that which is called s'hit."

More manure.

7. And so Jean gave birth to her son, and laid him in a manger, for she had hopes that the family's pet lion cub might consume such a repulsive child.

8. But the Lord watched over young Richard, and he was not consumed. And Jean wept, saying that a curse was come upon her family.

9. Now it came to pass, when Richard was eight years of age, that he went with his parents to a far-off land called England, which is to say, "The land of the heroic but sometimes rather gullible."

10. And he studied amongst the doctors and sages in a place called Ound-le, which is to say "An academy for the sons of gentlefolk, or at least rich folk."

11. And Richard was told of the ways of the Lord, and he learnt of many wondrous things, such as the fact that Salathiel begot Zorobabel, and Zorobabel begot Abiud. However, some say that he rather missed the point of St Matthew's Gospel there.

12. He also learned from the Book of Matthew that the hen doth gather her chickens under her wings, a piece of wisdom that he retained in his heart. 

13. For later he was to write a scholarly thesis on the subject of chickens, that all men might say "Truly this is indeed a learned doctor, for he knoweth the way of the chicken."

14. But one day, when Richard was still a child, the Devil entered into his heart, and he said "ROFL."

15. Which meaneth, "I have considered all the arguments for the existence of God, and chosen to ignore them. Let us dance the dance that is known as Yakety-Sax."

16. And thus he made his way to Ox-ford, the land of the doctors and wise men. Although some say that there were wiser men at Cam-bridge.

Continued in Chapter 2.