Jim Wrong-un to address Democratic People's Convention

As reported by North Korea, the North Korean Jesuit magazine (editor Jim Wrong-un), Father Jim Wrong-un SJ has been invited to address the Democratic People's Republic Workers' Party Convention, which will be choosing their candidate for Supreme Leader.

Jim Wrong-un.

In fact the way in which the new leader is chosen is very simple. The current leader, coincidentally named Kim Jong-un, is nominated, and anyone who disagrees is shot.

Fr Jim, described by his own magazine as a "faith leader" (no, don't laugh, he has many followers), is a long-term supporter of the Workers' Party, maintaining that the "seamless garbage" approach to theology means that their unfortunate habit of killing anyone who gets in their way doesn't invalidate their credentials as a strongly pro-life party; indeed, Supreme Leader Kim is a good Catholic who fully believes in bridge-building to the LGBT community - or would if it actually existed.

The US flags were later replaced by rainbow flags.

Some people have criticised Jim's invitation, but he says that he will deliver a simple prayer with a message of love, peace, justice, mercy, and a wish that all the Supreme Leader's remaining enemies are humiliated.

"And if I am given a similar invitation by the Leader of the Opposition*, I shall of course attend and say the same prayer," he explained.

*a title awarded posthumously.

Cardinal Cormac did not approach Kim Jong-un

Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor has vigorously denied suggestions, expressed in a new book "The great dictator" by Austen Ivereigh, that he was largely responsible for the election of Kim Jong-un as President of North Korea.

Kim Jong-un - thinks very highly of Cormac.

Being over 80 years old - and not being called Kim - Cardinal CMOC was of course ineligible to vote for the new president in the 2011 conclave, but many people regard him as an Eminence Grise, unable to resist pulling strings behind the scenes. Although he initially favoured Kie Ran-Con for the position of President of North Korea, Cormac is said to have conceded in the end that Kim was a more responsible character.

Austen Ivereigh's new book.

Today Dr Ivereigh was happy to clarify the issue, explaining that Cormac did not directly approach Kim, or lobby for his election: the whole "Team Kim" story is a myth. Nonetheless, it is possible to imagine the "hand of Cormac" behind many interesting recent appointments, including the exiling of Edwina Currie to the television programme "I'm a silly Brit - get me out of here", the choice of Peter "Mr Verbal Abuse" Capaldi as the new Doctor Who (narrowly defeating David Mellor), and of course the appointment of Cardinal Burke as President of Malta.

Deprived of the starring role, David Mellor was still allowed to appear in Dr Who.

Celebrities move to Belgium

Belgium has long been an attractive place for tax exiles: for example, in recent years the rock singer Johnny Hallyday and the actor Gérard Depardieu have both applied for Belgian citizenship. And this week, Adolf Hitler, 124, a retired politician, announced that he and some close friends would also be moving to the land of the sprout.

Hitler begins his house-hunting.

Herr Hitler had formerly been a resident of North Korea; however, as he says laughingly, "The political system there is great, but I get a bit tired of hot dogs made from real poodles. With the passing of this new law in Belgium, permitting the euthanasia of children, I feel I am really moving to a country that suits me."

Hitler has long been an admirer of Belgium - indeed, for a few years in the 1940s he owned it - although he never dreamed that his ideas would come back into fashion so soon. However, not all Belgians welcome the new law, and Mlle Lisa Colbert, for one, is planning to set up a resistance movement, or "secret army" to rescue children.

We'll be sending children "down the line" to Spain.

Following concerns expressed by Syria, the United Nations is expected to take some time off Vatican-bashing, to look into the situation. Said a spokesman, "We have received a proposal from the United States, that we should try air strikes on Belgium - according to Barack Obama, dropping bombs on people is the best way to help them - and we are seriously considering the possibility."

"Live long and prosper (unless you're ill)!" says Prime Minister Elio di Rupo.

Suicide, euthanasia, and abortion have long been important parts of Belgian culture. Explained one doctor: "People wake up one day, and say to themselves My God! I'm a Belgian! For many, this is such shocking news that they feel obliged to end it all on the spot."

A traditional welcoming sign at the Belgian border.

Before the new euthanasia law comes into force, it must receive the royal assent from King Philippe of Belgium, who is a devout Catholic and a regular reader of this blog. We advise him to abdicate to avoid putting his signature to this law, as did his uncle, King Baudouin when abortion was legalised, although this will not save Belgium. And where Belgium leads, can the rest of Europe be far behind? Another famous Belgian is on the case (and we don't mean Hercule Poirot).

We're working on a new "euthanasia" directive, to apply to the whole of the EU.