New Austen Ivereigh book

Following the success of his first book, "Austen Ivereigh, the great reformed character," Pope Francis is pleased to announce that his new book on the World's Greatest Catholic Journalist is now about to appear.

The new book, oddly in "Dictator Pope" colours.

"Weird scribbler" tells the story of Austen Ivereigh over the last six years, starting with his creation of Catholic Voices, in which his spokesmen gave a completely orthodox Catholic take on events. Then, in a complete 180-degree turn, Ivereigh started writing more and more implausible articles of his own, throwing out his own eccentric ideas and getting in a heavy dose of score-settling.

Austen spits on hundreds of years of Catholic tradition.

The motive for Pope Francis's writing this new pot-boiler is not hard to find (apart from a general financial crisis in the Vatican). We shall soon see the World Cup of Bad Catholic Journalists, in which Ivereigh, Mickens, Lamb, Spadaro, Rosica, Martin,... will all take part, and it's clear that this is ultimately the Holy Father's preferred candidate.

Francis presents Austen with a copy of his earlier book.

Of course "journalist" is to be interpreted in the widest sense, and to include scribblers who have other jobs as well - whether it be priest, theologian or simply marketing their own brand of beans. We mention this latter example, as Prof. Massimo Faggioli is also to be taken seriously as a candidate.

The Great Reformer: Christ, the radical Messiah

We are finally able to publish a review of Austen Ivereigh's new book The Great Reformer: Christ and the Making of a Radical Messiah, which has caused so much controversy. Since his surprise appointment in December 1 BC (or whenever it was), Jesus Christ has emerged as the most talked-about and most revolutionary Messiah in living memory. He has become a subject of fascination not only to the 2.2 gigaChristians in the world, but to virtually everyone.

A Nativity scene. Note the life-size Austen Ivereigh model looking on (L).

A certain amount of scandal has arisen over the circumstances of Jesus's appointment as Messiah. It is said that there was a "Team Jesus" in place a long time beforehand, containing such illustrious figures as Isaiah and Micah; it persuaded people that the Baby born in Bethlehem was the one to support, and not, for example, rival candidates such as the Emperor Augustus, the Dalai Lama (any of them), Haile Selassie, Prince Philip, or various other people who have been worshipped as gods.

Members of the rival "Team Philip".

If Dr Ivereigh's allegations are true, then apparently the prophets Isaiah and Micah risk excommunication. On the other hand, Cormac Murphy-O'Connor, who was also around in the BC/AD switchover period, is not generally associated with "Team Jesus", so he is probably in the clear.

Since coming to power, Christ has upset many people with His strong words. Most recently, He accused the Pharisees Conference of being "A generation of vipers", and even the loyal Cardinal Peter was labelled as "Satan". Perhaps after all He is not the meek and mild Messiah that some expected when He was elected.

Cleansing the Curia of Financial Leprosy.

Cardinal Cormac did not approach Kim Jong-un

Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor has vigorously denied suggestions, expressed in a new book "The great dictator" by Austen Ivereigh, that he was largely responsible for the election of Kim Jong-un as President of North Korea.

Kim Jong-un - thinks very highly of Cormac.

Being over 80 years old - and not being called Kim - Cardinal CMOC was of course ineligible to vote for the new president in the 2011 conclave, but many people regard him as an Eminence Grise, unable to resist pulling strings behind the scenes. Although he initially favoured Kie Ran-Con for the position of President of North Korea, Cormac is said to have conceded in the end that Kim was a more responsible character.

Austen Ivereigh's new book.

Today Dr Ivereigh was happy to clarify the issue, explaining that Cormac did not directly approach Kim, or lobby for his election: the whole "Team Kim" story is a myth. Nonetheless, it is possible to imagine the "hand of Cormac" behind many interesting recent appointments, including the exiling of Edwina Currie to the television programme "I'm a silly Brit - get me out of here", the choice of Peter "Mr Verbal Abuse" Capaldi as the new Doctor Who (narrowly defeating David Mellor), and of course the appointment of Cardinal Burke as President of Malta.

Deprived of the starring role, David Mellor was still allowed to appear in Dr Who.