Anglican Church to pay 1 zillion pounds compensation

Justin Welby, Archbishop of Canterbury, announced today that the Anglican Church would finally be compensating the Catholic Church to the extent of 1 zillion pounds for the hardship, damage and looting that took place during the Reformation. He also apologised for the Reformation's "deliberate actions to destroy diverse Catholic religious belief systems" (yes, he really talks like that - I changed only one word).

It's a deal!

It is thought that this money will be used in two ways:

1. To make all people whose ancestors were Catholics rich beyond the dreams of avarice, even though they personally did nothing to deserve it.

2. To bail out the Catholic Church in England so that it can finally build some half-decent churches.

Arthur Roche tucks into a celebratory snack!

Vincent Nichols, Cardinal Archbishop of Westminster, has welcomed the offer but said "In fact we are holding out for 1 squillion pounds, so that all descendants of Catholics can become quite disgustingly rich without doing anything to deserve it. Also, we want decent churches, not half-decent churches."

Not even a half-decent cathedral, unfortunately.

There had been some suggestions that the Catholic Church could take over some of the churches and cathedrals nationalized in the 16th century, but it was pointed out that these are now used mainly for crazy golf, helter-skelters, dinosaur exhibits and discos, and it would be difficult to return them to religious worship.

Peterborough Cathedral (with the tomb of Catherine of Aragon) is now a dinosaur museum.

LATE NEWS: The Lutherans are very sorry about Martin Luther, and they wish they'd chosen to call themselves after someone else.

Elon Musk offers to buy the Catholic Church

Elon Musk, said to be the richest man in the world after Cardinal Becciu, has made a bid of $666 billion for the Catholic Church (hereafter abbreviated to Cather). In a letter to Pope Francis, Chairman of the Church since a 2013 boardroom coup, Musk said that the business was not thriving under its current management, and that changes were needed.

The new owner.

This is not the first time that Cather has faced hostile takeover bids: in the 16th century the entrepreneur Henry Tudor made an extremely savage takeover of its English business, "cancelling" many users. Similarly, the tycoon Martin Luther attempted to force the German branch of the Church out of business by setting up a rival platform. But this is apparently the first time that a bid has been made for the whole Church.

If Musk is successful, he is expected to sack the unpopular Chairman Francis, and install himself as boss, taking the title Pope Elon I.

"Takover or invasion, which do you want?"

What other changes are we likely to see?

I'm glad you asked me that. We are likely to see the return of several people who were effectively silenced by the antisocial medium - for example the notorious American Raymond Burke with his aggressive statements such as WE WONDER IF YOU WOULD BE SO KIND AS TO ANSWER A FEW DUBIA FOR US, HOLY FATHER? and many people who have infringed "Community Standards" by praising the Traditional Latin Mass.

The new Musk-run Cather is unlikely to waste any time on synods, and all the pressure groups that have so far exploited Cather to conduct such activities, such as the German Heretic Synod, the Deranged Feminist Synod, and the Jesuit LGBTSJ Synod, will be in breach of Cather rules.

We live in interesting times. Possibly.

Trump criticised over award to Francis

The "Holy Father" of the Republican Church, Pope Donald, has been severely criticised by pious Republicans over his award to President Francis of the Vatican State.

"No, it's not chocolates. Guess again."

When the leaders met in May last year, Donald gave Francis various gifts, including the works of Martin Luther King ("I know you admire Martin Luther") and a bronze sculpture named Rising Above ("I've kept the receipt, so you can exchange it if you don't like it").

However, criticism in the Republican Church - the religion with the strongest pro-life credentials - is mounting. This is because Francis is known to be distinctly weak on this issue - he is a friend of Emma Bonino and Lilianne Ploumen - and gifts from Donald to Francis might be interpreted as saying that Pope Donald approves of President Francis's views.

The "other" church in America, the Democrats, is of course much less interested in pro-life issues, and although it is severely Protestant ("No Donaldry!"), it has not yet condemned Pope Donald for his award to President Francis, except in the sense of "Whatever Donald does is wrong."

Spin-doctors at the Washican have stressed that the gifts to Francis were "purely diplomatic protocol" and do not imply any endorsement of him. "In fact the award was actually meant as a slight," said one cardinal. "Can you really imagine President Francis sitting by the fireside of an evening reading the works of Martin Luther King, if there is football on the telly? And the sculpture is just going to get in the way."

Rising above. "Francis has already tripped over it three times."

Indeed, given that Francis gave Pope Donald a copy of his famous work Laudato Si', it is hard to be sure who was being slighted.

October 31st - trick or treat?

Yes, it's October 31st 2017, commonly called Hallowe'en, the day when people dress up in scary costumes and annoy their neighbours.

Trick or treat? The sign should stay up by faith alone, but Brother Martin decided otherwise.

Everyone's joining in the fun, and remembering their favourite German heretic (no, not Cardinal Marx).

Pope Francis with the Choco-Luther. "You may find this hard to swallow..."

Of course the Anglicans didn't get in on the Hallowe'en larks until almost twenty years later, and indeed, Henry VIII, the man whose ideas on marriage ("divorce 'em, or if that doesn't work, behead 'em") anticipated Amoris Laetitia, was severely critical of Luther's pranks.

It's believed that the pumpkin theme was based on Henry VIII's fat head.

Originally, Hallowe'en was called All Saints' Eve - Henry VIII approached Thomas More and said, "Great news, Thomas, you're going to become a saint! Better still, a saint and martyr!" Of course Thomas More was delighted to be joining in the fun.

Anyway, back to Luther, who founded the tradition, stimulating a growth in heresy that Arius and Fr James Martin could only dream of. Let's party!

Put on your scary costumes, and get trick-or-treating!

Pope Francis banned from Britain

Following the Home Office's decision to ban the entry of three persecuted archbishops from Iraq and Syria (Sharaf of Mosul, Shamani of Nineveh Valley, and Alnemech of Homs and Hama), who were invited to participate in the consecration of a Syrian Orthodox cathedral, it has now been revealed that a similar discourtesy was extended to Pope Francis.

The three archbishops, sighted somewhere near Calais.

This is apparently the true explanation of why the Holy Father will be visiting Ireland, the land of "Enda Life" Kenny, in 2018, but not the bigger island next door.

Said a spokesman for Amber Rudd, the Home Secretary. "We received a visa application from an elderly Argentine called Bergoglio, who admitted to being in rather poor health. We are concerned that he may wish to stay here permanently (apparently, he is currently living in Rome and finding things a little hot there), and indeed he may want to use our National Health Service, which is well known to be the best in the world. So obviously we turned the old man down, especially as he was clearly poverty-stricken, being still obliged to work at the age of 79."

"We've found this 53-year-old woman who says she's totally lost."

Said Vice-pope Grima Spadaro, "We haven't totally given up hope of getting a UK visa for Pope Francis. Following the advice of Giles Fraser, we are going to tell people that he's a teenage Muslim, as apparently Britain needs these more than archbishops. The trouble is, the pope is very bad at filling in visa application forms, especially the parts requiring explicit yes/no answers."

Pope Francis adopts a disguise in order to sneak through immigration.

Christmas gifts for Catholics

The chocolate Luther

Give your loved one a statue of his or her favourite heretic, made entirely out of chocolate! Bodily nourishment as well as spiritual nourishment! Warning, may contain nuts.

Also available: Arius, neo-Pelagius, Mohammed, Kasper, Tina Beattie, etc.

The Dubia game.

Fun for all the family. The players divide into two teams, and one person is designated "pope". The members of the other team are allowed to ask five questions in order to try and decide whether the pope is Catholic. The members of the pope's team must do all they can to prevent the pope from giving a direct answer: legitimate tactics include threats, insults, and claims that the answers have already been given. Dice not supplied.

Pope Francis dressing-up kit.

Let your kids dress up as their favourite pope (not counting Benedict)! Includes white vestments, book of insults, etc. We even provide a scribbling book in which your children can write their own apostolic exhortations! Deluxe set also includes a small "aeroplane cabin" in which they can invent new doctrines.

The Eccles Heresometer^TM.

Fun for all the family. Point this at your friends, and it gives off a piercing screech if it detects any heresy. Use the "Report" setting to shop Grandma directly to the Congregation of the Doctrine of the Faith! WARNING: this device may overheat if used in Jesuit communities.

The miniskirt of Mercy is no longer available, but a miniskirt of Anger will be released soon.

Or buy the latest DVD.

In Martin Scorsese's The Silence of the Popes a Jesuit pope is elected, who manages to remain silent in spite of numerous questions from his flock. Recommended by Fr James Martin SJ!

Martin Luther to be canonized

As part of the celebrations of the Reformation, and to mark his excellent relations with the Lutherans - "After all, they're far more Catholic than the German cardinals Kasper, Marx, and their cronies" - Pope Francis has agreed to canonize Martin Luther himself.

The Choco-Luther (© Fr Ray Blake). Hard for some Catholics to swallow.

In addition to the Luther statue, which Pope Francis will put in a position of honour next to his personal statue of Hans Küng, the Holy Father has been given a copy of the 95 theses of Luther. Fortunately they do not criticise Amoris Laetitia directly - since to do that is nowadays the only sin recognized by the Vatican. They do claim that the Pope is the Anti-Christ, but then so do some traditional Catholic bloggers.

"These theses say that the pope is totally confused. How did they know?"

If the canonization of Luther turns out to be a popular move, then there is a queue of other great religious thinkers awaiting their haloes. This includes Buddha, Mohammed, Henry VIII, and Ian Paisley. For we must remember that all people are saved and Hell was closed down as part of the Vatican II reforms. However, the case of G.K. Chesterton will not be considered. Ever.

Other churches have declared themselves open to dialogue with Pope Francis.

Mohammed was a "teacher of the faith", say German bishops

Germany’s Catholic bishops have praised Mohammed as a "Gospel witness and teacher of the faith", and called for closer ties with Muslims. As part of the celebrations of the 1400th anniversary of the dawn of Islam, Bishop Gerhard Feige of Magdeburg, chairman of the German bishops’ ecumenical commission, has produced a 206-page report calling for Mohammed's mission to be seen in a more positive light.

Not Mohammed. But we're risking a Lutheran attack by publishing a picture of this prophet.

Obviously, there are some minor doctrinal differences between Christianity and Islam, but nothing that a truly ecumenical person cannot live with. Muslims believe that the prophet Mohammed was sent by God to re-establish the true faith of Adam, Abraham, Moses, and all the other good eggs; moreover, the Koran is the word of God, and a jolly good read. Many Christians see things slightly differently, maintaining that Mohammed was a very naughty boy, and that the Koran is a load of tosh.

"So, broadly speaking, we are in complete agreement," says Bishop Feige. "For those of us who are German Catholics and don't really worry about religious matters, as long as we can collect a good healthy church tax, it is hard to see what all the fuss is about."

Some Muslims live similar lifestyles to German bishops.

The bishops' report includes conciliatory letters between the German bishops’ conference president, Cardinal Reinhard Marx, and Hibatullah Akhundzada, Head of the Taliban. Cardinal Marx wrote that he had always thought that the Catholic Church could learn a lot from Islamic fundamentalism, and proposed a pilgrimage to the Islamic Emirate of Afghanistan, with a joint service devoted to "healing memories". Perhaps they could participate in a joint clown Mass, or perhaps a lesbian diversity Mass? Akhundzada replied that he would welcome the arrival of Marx, and was already setting up a commission to decide whether to boil him in oil, eviscerate him, or simply behead him as the highlight of an ecumenical service.

If this doesn't lead to Christian-Islamic Unity, then nothing will.

The ecumenical commission’s deputy chairman, Bishop Heinz Algermissen of Fulda, said Catholic-Islamic ties had improved since the Second Vatican Council, once Catholics had been encouraged to drop controversial notions such as sin, redemption, forgiveness, good and evil. However he stressed that churches must work for "visible unity, not just reconciled diversity".

Catholic thanksgiving prayers for the Reformation

Following the issue of joint Catholic-Lutheran prayers of thanksgiving for the Reformation, we are pleased to publish further prayers along these lines, including some that are better adapted to use by the Catholic Church in England and Wales.

O Lord our Governor,
But not Supreme Governor, as that's the Queen,
We thank You for the life of King Henry VIII;
For his inspiring model as a loving King and Husband,
Divorced, Beheaded, Died, Divorced, Beheaded, Survived:
May we all aspire to such an achievement.

All Catholics venerate this man.

We give thanks for the martrydom of St Thomas More,
Who probably enjoyed the experience.
And the same goes for St John Fisher.
Also for the dissolution of the monasteries,
Which encouraged the monks to die off, or to get proper jobs.
An act that gave us so many charming National Trust properties 
   to visit,
When we have nothing to do on Sundays.

Cardinal Koch with a new disposable edition of the Bible.

In a spirit of ecumenism, we also give thanks for the mass slaughter,
Given to us by thy servants,
Edward VI, Mary I and Elizabeth I,
For the wonder that was the Tudors, if You'll excuse the pun.
Although in those days they didn't realise than burning people
Might lead to climate change.
Still, they knew that they were doing Your will
By killing off all the people who actually believed in something.
A policy not needed these days, at least not in Europe!

Martin Luther - founder of modern Catholicism.

We also give thanks for the wisdom of Martin Luther.
He had many good qualities, not least a really cool hat.
Also when he called the Pope a "pompous toad with smelly feet",
He was merely leading the way to modern theological debate.
You should hear what they say about Pope Francis,
Although, being God, You may already know.
Well, there You are then!

Thank God for the Congregation of the Doctrine of the Faith!

Finally we give thanks for the effects of the Reformation 
   throughout Europe.
Many were driven into exile or were blessed with martyrdom;
Which can't be bad, can it?
And, as the Anglican Communion falls apart before our eyes,
We pray for new schisms. 
BLOOD! CUT! KILL! SLAUGHTER!
Although please spare comedians such as Giles Fraser.
Amen.

Two Catholic priests discuss the new prayers.

Pope admits: "I don't really like Catholics"

After a very successful meeting with Rome's Lutheran church, Pope Francis has finally said what many people suspected all along, namely, "I don't really like Catholics."

The Diet of Worms. On behalf of all Catholics, an apology for "judging" Martin Luther.

"Of course, I'm not referring to people like my great friend, the intellectual giant, Walter Kasper," he added, "nor to people like Fr Tommy Rosica and Fr Jimmy Martin S.J. Some people don't really think of these as Catholics, anyway. But as for the rest..."

Pouring out his woes to a sympathetic audience of Lutherans, the pope went on to say that practically all Catholics were airport gnostics, leprous neo-Pelagians, existential parrot-Christians, Renaissance functionaries and pepper-faced tourists. "Thank God for Martin Luther," he added. "He certainly put Catholics in their place."

"You little promoter of the poison of immanence!"

"Wait until the Year of Mercy starts," he added. "Those Catholics won't know what hit them! Then, when it ends, we'll be just in time to celebrate the Reformation!"

It is felt that Pope Francis may be disgruntled by the outcome of the recent synod, when he was severely embarrassed by constant references to scripture and tradition. However, as pope, he gets the final word, and is said to be ready to take the Catholic church in new directions, following the lead of the great Martin Luther.

Pope Francis nails his 95 theses to the door of St Peter's.

Catholics celebrating the Reformation

At first sight, Catholics may be inclined to view the Reformation as a BAD THING. Was it really as much fun as we first thought? Did those monks who were kicked out of their monasteries enjoy the experience immensely? Did St Thomas More really find the whole business of imprisonment, trial and execution a real bundle of laughs? He got out one good line, though, if A Man for all Seasons is accurate: "Why, Richard, it profits a man nothing to give his soul for the whole world …. But for Wales!"

Thomas More: "I died laughing!"

Do we remember Henry VIII as a benefactor of mankind, burning the odd chap here, decapitating another one here (well, several thousand, in fact), just so that he could get rid of Queen Katherine, who only bore him a daughter, and replace her with Queen Anne, who, er, only bore him a daughter?

Of course, those who survived discovered that there was even more fun to come. Edward VI. Cranmer and his prayer book. More massacres, all in the name of a new liturgy. We didn't see the like again until Vatican II. Then a swing back to the Catholics (Queen Mary), and more slaughter. Followed by a swing to the Anglicans (Queen Elizabeth), and yet more slaughter. Those Tudors really knew how to enjoy themselves! Weren't those 39 articles well worth killing for?

A jolly good read.

Actually, what used to be the most anti-Catholic of the articles, "The Bishop of Rome hath no jurisdiction in this Realm of England," isn't at all controversial these days. Ask the Tablet. Ask ACTA. Ask Vincent Nichols.

O.K. So the English Reformation was a GOOD THING. Either we are ecumenical and say "Well, they had a jolly good time, but it really didn't make much difference," or we're not, and we say "Bravo! One in the eye for Pope Whoever-it-was! Only Anglicans can be saved!"

Extra Ecclesiam Angliae nulla salus.

Of course the Reformation really started in Germany with Martin Luther, who also had a wife called Katherina but - unlike Henry VIII - decided to keep her. He was a clever chap, who wrote 95 theses. Presumably he got 95 D.Phil.s or Ph.D.s, too. "Call me Dr Dr Dr Dr Dr Dr.... Luther," he'd say. Having been excommunicated, he didn't really have much choice in his worship: either accept the authority of the Catholic Church, or start his own. Or - this being Germany - he could have found a way to preach heresy while remaining a Catholic priest in good standing. Ask Cardinal Marx how that's done.

Explaining Marxism to the Pope.

So, when Paul Röttig in the Tablet tells us that we should all celebrate the Reformation - massacres and all - then let's party! Is Timothy Radcliffe free?

Is this the worst pope ever?

A re-post of something I wrote in 1494.

When cardinals meet in a conclave to elect a new pope, they are of course guided by the Holy Spirit - or at least the Spirit of Lateran II - or, failing that, by the Spirit of Cardinal Murfio Conna - and therefore there can be no such thing as a bad pope. So we should be reluctant to criticise Pope Alexander VI (Rodrigo Borgia).

Actually, he does look a little like Pope Francis.

Traditionalists among us fondly remember Pope Innocent VIII, with his powerful encyclical Summis desiderantes, a polemic against witchcraft that led to harsh criticism by Signora Cristina Beati in the Pastiglia.

Alexander is rather different. Already he is highly unpopular in Germany, where an 11-year old boy called Martin Luther has been arrested for scribbling "The Pope is a Schweinehund" on his church door. But even amongst adults there is disquiet as to some of the Holy Father's behaviour.

Graffiti at Wittenberg.

For a start, there are Alexander's views on family life. His recent Extraordinary Synod on the Family took a controversially liberal attitude to unconventional family arrangements. Indeed, it was attended by the pope's mistress, Vannozza dei Cattanei, together with numerous children. This sort of conduct may be tolerated in Arundel and Brighton, but is still considered inappropriate for Rome.

Vannozza dei Cattanei.

Alexander is also ruthless with his political enemies. Some have been exiled to the barren island of Malta, and there have been claims that in extreme cases the Pope is prepared to use poison. However, these are still only rumours. In any case, such minor eccentricities are surely outweighed by the pope's humble and charismatic nature! Who are we to judge?

Cardinal Cormac did not approach Kim Jong-un

Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor has vigorously denied suggestions, expressed in a new book "The great dictator" by Austen Ivereigh, that he was largely responsible for the election of Kim Jong-un as President of North Korea.

Kim Jong-un - thinks very highly of Cormac.

Being over 80 years old - and not being called Kim - Cardinal CMOC was of course ineligible to vote for the new president in the 2011 conclave, but many people regard him as an Eminence Grise, unable to resist pulling strings behind the scenes. Although he initially favoured Kie Ran-Con for the position of President of North Korea, Cormac is said to have conceded in the end that Kim was a more responsible character.

Austen Ivereigh's new book.

Today Dr Ivereigh was happy to clarify the issue, explaining that Cormac did not directly approach Kim, or lobby for his election: the whole "Team Kim" story is a myth. Nonetheless, it is possible to imagine the "hand of Cormac" behind many interesting recent appointments, including the exiling of Edwina Currie to the television programme "I'm a silly Brit - get me out of here", the choice of Peter "Mr Verbal Abuse" Capaldi as the new Doctor Who (narrowly defeating David Mellor), and of course the appointment of Cardinal Burke as President of Malta.

Deprived of the starring role, David Mellor was still allowed to appear in Dr Who.

Something for Catholics to celebrate

These are hard times for Christians who want something to celebrate, as Archdruid Eileen has pointed out. Our fellow-Christians in Mosul are being persecuted by Islamic thugs - although this can't be a very serious massacre or else Messrs Obama, Cameron, Hollande and Merkel would have said something about it, and Clegg the wonder dog would have barked. Not all that far away, the people of Israel and Gaza are getting on rather badly, as even the politicians have noticed. Then if you're a Christian in the West you will be assailed by the forces of darkness in various ways: abortion, euthanasia, "gay pride" parades, ... and you are increasingly likely to be persecuted if you stand up against them. Not a lot of laughs so far.

The story so far.

However, for Catholics, it is a time of celebration! 500 years since the Reformation (or it will be in 2017). Indeed, the Lutherans have invited us all to celebrate this, and why not? 500 years since the Catholic church got rid of some of its most boring members! Douglas Adams would have put the Lutherans in the B-ark along with the hairdressers and telephone sanitizers, and this is the religious equivalent. As the Mikado has it:

All prosy dull society sinners
Who chatter and bleat and bore
Are sent to hear sermons 
From mystical Germans 
Who preach from ten to four.

Fortunately, Catholics are more likely to get a five-minute homily (say, the same length as the Beatitudes) rather than a six-hour German sermon with all the verbs packed into the last half-hour - even if it may be an anecdote about a power cut in the deacon's shed rather than a piece of solid theology.

Luther: never wrote one thesis when he could write 95.

Of course, the Reformation had more consequences than simply putting some of the most boring Germans into their own little box. Lots of people (both Catholic and Protestant) were martyred, enduring what the Bishop of Lancaster might call "a voluntary period of being burnt to death". Shall we celebrate that, too? Oddly, we don't do that to each other any more, we leave it to the Muslims to do it for us.

If you lose your luggage, say a prayer to someone. Anyone will do.

It's unlikely that ISIS will invite us to a multi-faith celebration in honour of the "cleansing" of Mosul, but if you do get an invitation, do accept! It is always blessed to be ecumenical, and it doesn't matter what you believe provided that you believe something! Not that I would wish to offend our non-believing brothers and sisters either, of course.

Jubilate Deo!

Eamon Duffy and the Sovietization of Catholicism

Prof. Eamon Duffy with his biography of Tina Beattie.

The Catholic church was in a state of shock this week, after the distinguished theologian Eamon Duffy waded into the "Justice for Tina" affair with all guns blazing. Duffy expressed his concerns in the wake of a telegram that Tina Beattie had received from San Diego, which said simply, "No Catholic freebies for you, you heretic!"

San Diego - but Tina's not going for a dip!

Duffy - never one to exaggerate - complained of the increased "Sovietization of Catholic intellectual life." We found a startling history of incidents in which Catholic dissidents had been treated as un-persons.

A photo of Boyzone. Keith Duffy is there, but Eamon has been airbrushed out!

Duffy himself is a tragic victim of the Stalinist policies of the Vatican, having been written out of all the major events of Catholic history, in which he played such an important part. "In particular, Pope Benedict omitted me from his Radio Programme Ten Theologians who shook the world, claiming that Martin Luther was more influential than I am," he complained.

The Last Supper - but why has Eamon Duffy been painted out?

Tina Beattie herself has maintained a dignified silence over the affair, limiting herself to a posting on her blog in which she says:

We hate Benedict Sixteen,
We hate Declan Lang too,
We hate San Diego,
But Eamon, we love you!

(For another 47 verses of this song, complete with a two-hundred paragraph article entitled "Why I am keeping a dignified silence," see justice-for-tina.blogspot.com.)

Tina Beattie has accused the Catholic blogosphere of mocking her. This seems unlikely, but she may have been referring to Fr Herman Nootic's "If your career's going down the drain, call a Catholic plumber," and Father Xylophone's "San Diego - a great place for coffee with Catholic theologians in good standing." She also refers to a "scurrilous lying blog by a person who claims to be saved, but who posts photographs with totally inappropriate captions." So far we have not managed to decide which blog she means.

An unidentified professor of Catholic theology attacks the Pope at Midnight Mass.