Cupich is asked to install abortion chapel in Holy Name Cathedral

Following his successful participation in the Democratic National Convention last week, Cardinal Blase Cupich, known to regular readers as twice winner of the World Cup of Bad Cardinals, has been requested to import some of the features of the DNC to his own cathedral of Holy Name, Chicago.

"In the words of Our Lord, 'Orange Man Bad, Cackling Hyena Good!'"

One of the features of the DNC that proved most interesting was the abortion van, supplied by Planned Dead Child Parenthood. It had also been hoped that the DNC would provide a euthanasia/assisted suicide booth (after hearing the speeches, many were heard to ask "Do I have to carry on living?") However, it was felt by some people that the chances of Joe Biden wandering in by mistake, thinking it was an ice-cream parlour, were too great.

However, both an abortion chapel and a euthanasia chapel are possible features that could be incorporated into Holy Name Cathedral, assuming that the cardinal (and, presumably, the dean) agree. After all, many Americans described as devout Catholics consider these to be perfectly acceptable elements of healthcare.

As will be seen, there are several places that could be improved by the removal of unnecessary altars and the addition of healthcare facilities.

A-men and A-woman: the hidden A-gender

Pastor Emanuel Cleaver, part-time Democratic Congressman and part-time United Methodist minister (so managing to serve God and Mammon at the same time), has hit back at critics of his "A-men and A-woman" ending to a prayer.

"It is not right to say that I have a hidden A-gender," he explained. "People have said that I am a blasphemous twerp who mocks religion. I want to put them straight on this, and explain that I am simply a complete moron." Actually, what he really said was that his critics are "soiled by selfishness, perverted by prejudice and inveigled by ideology," which is amazing alliteration, incredible invective, and charming chatter, but not the sort of thing we expected a holy man of God to say in a theological debate.

"And now a prayer to St George Floyd."

In his prayer Pastor Cleaver also slipped in the sentence "We ask this in the name of the monotheistic God, Brahma, and God known by many names and by many different things." Well done, Pastor, this is top-quality gibberish, of the sort that this blog has been trying to achieve for years! Pastor Cleaver later explained that "Brahma" is a shortened form of "BarackObama", a semi-divine being worshipped by Democrats and known to unbelievers as the Obaminable one.

Fr Cleaver later explained that he was off to conduct a Methodist Mass, and that to preserve sexual equality he would be saying prayers to Gloria and Benny Dictus. "A lovely couple," he informed us.

Now I suppose you're expecting this post to conclude with a catalogue of similar atrocities perpetrated by Cleaver, such as the "Old Testament and New Testawoment" or his 50 forms of Amen to go with the 50 (?) possible genders, such as "A-non-binary", "A-gender-fluid" and "A-Cis-Female". No, we have high standards here, and we won't descend to such schoolboy/girl humour.

In the ecumenical words of Pastor Cleaver, Ali Luiah! and his wife Fatimah Luia!

Pay nuns more so that they can make moral judgements!!??

Today, a guest post from Sister Judy Piranha, of the Nuns for Herod, who led prayers at the Democrat National Convention.

Coo-ee everyone!!?? It was a great privilege to be a guest of honour at the Democratic Convention, especially since we of the Nuns for Herod are the least conventional sisters you'll ever meet!!??

No rude comments about my habits, please!!??

Ever since the days of President Barack Aborter, we in the Nuns for Herod have been keen Democrats!!?? It's all part and parcel of being one of the "Fat Nuns in the Limousine"!!?? I was delighted when Joe Biden came up to me, stroked my hair, and said, "What's it like being a naughty nun, sister??!!" I replied, "Well, it's not to be sniffed at"!!?? Oddly, he replied, "That's a shame," and moved away!!??

Now, many of you have asked me, "Do you really support abortion??!!" Well, that's above my pay grade!!?? If you want nuns to make moral judgements, you must pay them more!!?? 30 pieces of silver will buy you a moral judgement, dearie!!?? And we're not dogmatic - you can have any answer you like!!??

Of course Abortercare is not universally popular with nuns!!?? Think of the Little Sisters of the Poor, who don't think nuns should send out baby-killing drugs!!?? Well, you can see that they're losers, can't you!!?? Otherwise they'd be the Big Sisters of the Rich, and get lots of juicy grants from rich companies!!??

The Big Sisters of the Rich (not losers!!??)

But enough of that!!?? Sister Kamala* is organizing an auction today!!?? Who wants to buy a nun's conscience, totally unused??!! Send your bids in!!??

*Originally Mary, but that wouldn't do!!??

Jim Wrong-un to address Democratic People's Convention

As reported by North Korea, the North Korean Jesuit magazine (editor Jim Wrong-un), Father Jim Wrong-un SJ has been invited to address the Democratic People's Republic Workers' Party Convention, which will be choosing their candidate for Supreme Leader.

Jim Wrong-un.

In fact the way in which the new leader is chosen is very simple. The current leader, coincidentally named Kim Jong-un, is nominated, and anyone who disagrees is shot.

Fr Jim, described by his own magazine as a "faith leader" (no, don't laugh, he has many followers), is a long-term supporter of the Workers' Party, maintaining that the "seamless garbage" approach to theology means that their unfortunate habit of killing anyone who gets in their way doesn't invalidate their credentials as a strongly pro-life party; indeed, Supreme Leader Kim is a good Catholic who fully believes in bridge-building to the LGBT community - or would if it actually existed.

The US flags were later replaced by rainbow flags.

Some people have criticised Jim's invitation, but he says that he will deliver a simple prayer with a message of love, peace, justice, mercy, and a wish that all the Supreme Leader's remaining enemies are humiliated.

"And if I am given a similar invitation by the Leader of the Opposition*, I shall of course attend and say the same prayer," he explained.

*a title awarded posthumously.

Demon complains about being silenced

Judaea, AD 30.

The celebrity demon Nitram, who was scheduled to possess the soul of Mr Rusay, a local pastor, has complained about the actions of "that rad-trad, far-right Jesus", who has cancelled his speaking engagement and sent him down to the pits of Hell.

"All I wanted to do was build bridges."

Nitram, a prominent Demoncrat supporter who has publicly stated "Don't believe what they say about the Last Trump," is well known for his outspoken views on religion. His speaking engagement, occupying the soul of Mr Rusay, would have allowed him to put out a stream of blasphemy and heresy. Following an online petition (anyone know what this is? Some sort of prayer? St Mark doesn't say) Jesus was called in to cancel this engagement.

However, all is not lost, as Nitram's talk on "Why Jesus was a great sinner until he met the Canaanite woman, but that's not a problem" has been rescheduled for the Lake of Fire Lecture Theatre, where he expects a warm welcome.

Begone to the Tablet!

Supporters of Nitram, including H'gierevi of Crux and Legion of the National Catholic Reporter, have also complained about far-right rad-trad campaigns designed to reinforce Christian teaching. The debate for the soul of Catholicism continues.