How to be a Catholic but still vote for Death

There has been a bit of a fuss in British Catholic circles recently, as one Chris Coghlan, a Liberal Democrat MP (for Americans, these are like Democrats only a bit more muddle-headed), who is also, apparently, a Catholic, decided to vote for the Assisted Suicide Bill. His priest had already made it clear that Catholics are opposed to unnatural death, whether it be abortion, suicide, euthanasia, strychnine in the soup, whatever... and as a result told him that he was now to be denied Holy Communion.

Our hero.

What is Coghlan to do? Complain to the bishop (Richard Moth, who is pretty uncontroversial even if not very exciting)? Get the Observer, a liberal newspaper that is no friend to Catholics, to publish his moans? Flood social media with his whining...?

What many people seem to have forgotten is that - as Coghlan realises - Catholicism is just a one-hour-per-week business. Nobody expects it to affect what you do outside the church!

Is it too much to ask people to go into a church once a week, put on their most holy expressions, sit down, stand up, kneel, whenever other people do, get someone to prod them if they fall asleep in the homily, fork out 5p for a second collection (yes, it's Peter's Pence week!), join in the "kiss of peace" with hearty handshakes all round (try to say "Peace be with you" rather than "I hope you'll be voting for me", Chris!), perhaps even go for coffee and a bit of "networking" with the faithful? THAT'S YOUR WEEK'S OBLIGATION DONE!

Mike Amesbury MP demonstrates the sign of peace.

And if for some reason you can't join the queue for Holy Communion you can always take your phone out and do some texting in those five or ten minutes.

Good grief, it would be intolerable if Catholics started doing Catholic things OUTSIDE the church! In the UK you can probably be arrested these days for publicly uttering offensive religious slogans such as "Bless you" when people sneeze or "Goodbye" (i.e., God be with you) when you take your leave of someone. ("Allahu Akbar", a sort of "I see you're off, mate", is allowed of course, since that is DIVERSE.)

Then, should you be letting your faith influence your actions - do you dash into the road to a rescue a golden-haired child from an approaching steamroller, or do you leave her feeling a bit flat? The first is what most Catholics would do, but the second is nearer to the "assisted dying" spirit that many MPs prefer.

A moral dilemma.

Some people have argued that people who want to become MPs should warn their electorate of their beliefs. Perhaps by wearing little stars when they appear in public.

In the USA all this is far easier - you can be a pious and devout Catholic while promoting abortion, and you can even be a priest while promoting LGBTSJ stuff. In the UK it's harder to get away with that sort of thing.

These are deep questions. If only there were some sort of organization that could tell Catholics what they should be doing! Apart from the Observer and the Liberal Democrat Party, I mean. Any suggestions?

The Pope needs some common cents!

Today we are celebrating the solemnity of St Peter and St Paul, and so this is also the time when the Pope gets out his begging bowl and asks us to donate Peter's Pence.

Times are hard!

To be fair, popes do have needs that the rest of us don't. When was the last time that YOU invested in Jesuitman, a pornographic film about Fr James Martin LGBTSJ Rocketman, a pornographic film about Elton John? When did YOU last try some dodgy property speculation? But these are activities that one only expects from the Holy Father.

It's Cardinal Dolan in Rockette-man!

So give generously. If Francis asks for pence, give him pence! Or if your natural currency is dollars or euros, then you can be sure that the pope is lacking in common cents! So help him to acquire some.

"But I don't give tuppence for the Pope's needs!"

Unfortunately at my church this morning there wasn't a great rush to shower the Vatican with gold and silver. In fact, poor old Ian, holding the bag for the retiring collection, was looking very glum, perhaps wondering why everyone seemed to be avoiding him.

Of course, if you don't want to upset Ian, there are acceptable things to put in the bag as alternatives to filthy lucre. Old buttons, maybe? A little envelope containing a pious message to Pope Francis (keep it clean, folks!)?

Or perhaps a P45?

Time to cough up your Eccles pence

Well, if Fr Z can put this worthy cause on his blog, then maybe I can too.

The story so far: Mac McLernon, a.k.a. Mulier Fortis, a.k.a. saved traddy blogger of Margate, a.k.a. Crazy Cat Woman, is about to get her car repossessed by the Pound of Flesh Finance Company. Since she is disabled, this would make life very difficult for her.

Not actually Mac's car.

So, rather than give your Peter's Pence to that man in Rome who will misspend it on making pornographic films about Elton John (actually, it would be difficult to make a film about Mr Dwight that was suitable for family entertainment...) or supporting very dodgy left-wing political causes; etc., give it to Mac!

(BREAKING: Pope's tax return published:
1) Things that are Caesar's: rendered.
2) Things that are not Caesar's: squandered.)

The late Cardinal Furretti.

Anyway, if you can give, go HERE. At the time of writing she needs another £1,200 or so, but of course massive donations are also welcome:

£1,000,000 buys you an evening out with her crazy cat.

£10,000,000 buys you an evening out with Cardinal Burke, Fr James Martin SJ, or Austen Ivereigh (you choose)*.
*Possibly.

£100,000,000 sponsors another (saved) cat for Mac, which will be named after you.

Give generously. Yes, I mean it.

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ADDENDUM: the "save Mac's car" target has been reached and we are now on to the "make Mac an extremely rich woman" fund. Well, not really.

... and a certain poor widow offered her mite.

Destruction of the idol Pachabanana

Allies of Pope Francis have been reacting furiously to the news that an art work, "Pachabanana", consisting of a banana taped to the wall, has been eaten.

"Hail to thee, Pachabanana!"

Bought by Cardinal Becciu Investments Inc. for $120,000, the Pachabanana idol is a fruit of the recent Amazonian Synod, being part of the indigenous culture of Latin America. At the synod, Pope Francis took part in a service at which the participants worshipped the banana. Its skins have even been exported to the Slipper chapel at Walsingham in England, "to make it more slippery".

The eater of the Pachabanana has been variously described as a "vandal", a "fascist", an "insult to the Virgin Mary" by the usual suspects, and Pope Francis is also said to be annoyed.

Alexander Tschugguel, The desecrator of Pachabanana.

In other news, the Vatican has been spending its "Peter's Pence", donated by the faithful, on making movies. The first one is said to be a porno film about the life of   Fr James Martin, starring Elton John   Elton John, starring Fr James Martin.

It is expected that the Vatican's second film will be "The Pachamama family", the wacky story of a dysfunctional family, consisting of Pachapapa, Pachamama, and the twins Pacha-Austen and Pacha-Dawn. When Pachagranny decides to come and stay, there are hilarious consequences, and Pachamama is pushed into the river!