How to be a Catholic but still vote for Death

There has been a bit of a fuss in British Catholic circles recently, as one Chris Coghlan, a Liberal Democrat MP (for Americans, these are like Democrats only a bit more muddle-headed), who is also, apparently, a Catholic, decided to vote for the Assisted Suicide Bill. His priest had already made it clear that Catholics are opposed to unnatural death, whether it be abortion, suicide, euthanasia, strychnine in the soup, whatever... and as a result told him that he was now to be denied Holy Communion.

Our hero.

What is Coghlan to do? Complain to the bishop (Richard Moth, who is pretty uncontroversial even if not very exciting)? Get the Observer, a liberal newspaper that is no friend to Catholics, to publish his moans? Flood social media with his whining...?

What many people seem to have forgotten is that - as Coghlan realises - Catholicism is just a one-hour-per-week business. Nobody expects it to affect what you do outside the church!

Is it too much to ask people to go into a church once a week, put on their most holy expressions, sit down, stand up, kneel, whenever other people do, get someone to prod them if they fall asleep in the homily, fork out 5p for a second collection (yes, it's Peter's Pence week!), join in the "kiss of peace" with hearty handshakes all round (try to say "Peace be with you" rather than "I hope you'll be voting for me", Chris!), perhaps even go for coffee and a bit of "networking" with the faithful? THAT'S YOUR WEEK'S OBLIGATION DONE!

Mike Amesbury MP demonstrates the sign of peace.

And if for some reason you can't join the queue for Holy Communion you can always take your phone out and do some texting in those five or ten minutes.

Good grief, it would be intolerable if Catholics started doing Catholic things OUTSIDE the church! In the UK you can probably be arrested these days for publicly uttering offensive religious slogans such as "Bless you" when people sneeze or "Goodbye" (i.e., God be with you) when you take your leave of someone. ("Allahu Akbar", a sort of "I see you're off, mate", is allowed of course, since that is DIVERSE.)

Then, should you be letting your faith influence your actions - do you dash into the road to a rescue a golden-haired child from an approaching steamroller, or do you leave her feeling a bit flat? The first is what most Catholics would do, but the second is nearer to the "assisted dying" spirit that many MPs prefer.

A moral dilemma.

Some people have argued that people who want to become MPs should warn their electorate of their beliefs. Perhaps by wearing little stars when they appear in public.

In the USA all this is far easier - you can be a pious and devout Catholic while promoting abortion, and you can even be a priest while promoting LGBTSJ stuff. In the UK it's harder to get away with that sort of thing.

These are deep questions. If only there were some sort of organization that could tell Catholics what they should be doing! Apart from the Observer and the Liberal Democrat Party, I mean. Any suggestions?

Catholic Church finally agrees on something

Following the Black Friday on which the British House of Commons voted to legalise Assisted Suicide (giving doctors a Licence to Kill, à la Shipman), there is one faint ray of sunshine.

For the first time since the 1960s the Catholics have agreed on something!

"Are you sure we're not on a slippery slope, Kim?"

No matter whether they are SSPX or Happy-clappy, whether they refuse to talk to anyone except in Latin, or whether they refuse to use even Latin terms like "et cetera", whether they are "Trads" or readers of "Where Peter Is", all British Catholics are united in condemning this legislation. Why, even Tina Beattie is against it!

Not all the bishops spoke out against it (or not loudly enough for me to hear), but Nichols, Wilson, O'Toole, Egan, Davies, Swarbrick, McKinney and Stock, at least, deserve gold stars on this occasion.

Praising Vin and Tina together! Can this blog cope with such things?

Well, I thought, there must be some exceptions! How about Austen Ivereigh, the fan of Pachamama and Rupnik? Surely, he at least won't let me down when I'm looking for targets? But no, the gnome is on my side too!

Confusing it with Brexit and getting the date wrong, but otherwise 8/10 for Austen.

OK, so there we are, all Catholics are united, as far as I know. Life is hard for the satirical blogger.

Now we can unite to fight against the world, the flesh, the Devil, Kim Jong Headbanger Leadbeater, Enid Rancid Esther Rantzen, ...

Oh, but I forgot one thing. Our views are influenced by our religion. And, according to Lord Falconer, that means WE SHOULD SHUT UP! Only atheists, agnostics and devil-worshippers are allowed to express opinions.

I'm not bigoted about religions - I hate them all!"

Let's finish with something I wrote in response to a suggestion from Fr Dwight Longenecker. The Anglicans (who are a bit less hardline than Catholics when it comes to being pro-life) will need a liturgy for blessing services of Assisted Suicide.

We come to say farewell to our brother Eccles.
Who looketh a bit fed up, so it is time he went.
Who beareth the means of exit?
𝐈 bear the pillow of suffocation.
Blessed be St Esther of Rantzen, who hath ordained this.
Amen.
Thy life is ending. Go in peace.
Yippee! (Or he may say "Thanks be to Kim".)

Catholics keep out!

It is becoming increasingly obvious that Christians - and especially Catholics - are not welcome in public life, and should know that their rightful place is in hiding or on the scaffold.

Crime scene, as seen on television.

Midsomer Murders, episode 3019. Chief Inspector Barnaby (either the one with the crazy wife or the one with the boring dog, it doesn't matter) turns up with his usual jovial cry of "Hello, George, what have you got for me today?". The pathologist, Kate Wilding, gives him a puzzled glance and replies.

"Well Tom, or do I mean John? Anyway, you can see that this chap has had his nostrils stuffed with plutonium (as it is episode 3019 we are running out of original ways to kill people), and he has been dead about six weeks."

"Let me through, I'm a priest!"

An evil cackling priest walks by. Barnaby realises that this must be the criminal, but his contract says that he must wait until there have been another three murders before finally arresting him.

Next, the British Army turns up and asks to drive its tanks all over the place where the dead body is lying. "Don't you realise this is a crime scene? Go away!"

The general in charge replies, "But China has invaded Midsomer and we are the last line of defence!"

"This is still a crime scene. Go away!"

Crime scene, in reality.

A man is dying from stab wounds. The 999 emergency services are called, "Which service do you require: Fire, Priest, or Ambulance? There's no use calling the police, they're all out on gay pride marches."

In fact the priest is the last to arrive. At the crime scene there is already a blood-crazed assassin, several witnesses, an NHS troupe of nurses doing a dance to put on Youtube, and six policemen with alsatians who wandered in having heard reports that someone had been using the wrong pronouns.

A crime scene.

"Let me in, I'm Father Brown, a Catholic priest. I want to give the dead man the Last Rites. This is a fundamental part of the Catholic faith."

"Get out. This is a crime scene. We can't have it contaminated."

A CRASH! is heard as a sergeant in size-14 boots trips over the dying man.

"On second thoughts, Rev, I'm arresting you. On television it's always the priest wot dunnit."

"I want to question you about all those dead bodies in your churchyard."

The Accelerated Dying Legislation.

To their great credit, church leaders are fairly united in opposing the proposed "Yes, you can push your granny off a bus if she's rich enough and too confused to say 'No'" legislation. One exception is George Carey, star of Carey on Killing, the retired Christian who was once Archbishop of Canterbury. But they are put in their place by a learned professor, one Alice Roberts, who has contributed two brilliant pieces to this blog in the past, namely the amazing revelations that Miracles are just a bit... unlikely and Dead people don't come back to life.

Alice hits the nail with her head on the head.

She's got a good point, hasn't she? But we should go further. People with religious views, whether they be popes (no, he won't say anything helpful), bishops, priests, or laymen - even Anglicans devoted to this blog, such as Giles Fraser and Peter Hitchens - SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO COMMENT. We welcome atheist leaders like, er, little Alice in Blunderland, BECAUSE THEY HAVE THE RIGHT OPINIONS.

Got the message, Catholics? You're not wanted. Ask Henry VIII and Queen Elizabeth I. And any Anglicans - or even atheists - who agree with you about the morality of Accelerated Suicide - why, you're just closet Catholics! Get lost!

"It's no use complaining now. Mr Gates's App said you'd consented to dying. Don't worry, we'll get the bug fixed in the next release."

Sheriff of Nottingham sends palmer into exile

Sherwood Forest, A.D. 1192 (approx.)

Vassals of the Sheriff of Nottingham, Shearer West, have reacted violently to the news that a distinguished palmer, Friar "David" Tuck, is a perfectly normal Catholic, by exiling him as an outlaw. Fr Tuck had been named as chaplain to the Catholic youths in Nottingham by the local bishop, but it came to the attention of the Shearer's serfs that he was actually a serious Catholic, and not too keen on local customs such as abortion and assisted suicide. Apparently, Tuck used social media (tying a note to an arrow and firing it into the chambers of the Shearer) to communicate standard Catholic teaching, and this was badly received.

Rigid Catholics (outlaws).

A spokesman for the Shearer of Nottingham commented, "David the palmer is really quite a merry man, and he is welcome to any views he wishes, as long as he doesn't try to communicate them to others. Why can't he be a devout pilgrim, like Joseph of Afghanithea, currently on a crusade somewhere near the Holy Land? Joseph welcomes the slaughter of innocents, and nobody turns a hair!"

Friends of Friar Tuck have rushed to his defence. "Nottingham welcomes many heathen faiths: there are other Christian chaplains and even Saracen and Jewish chaplains. Most of these slavishly give their pronouns as 'he/him' or 'she/her' to show that they are truly woke," said Robin Hood (he/him). Little John (he/him) and Will Scarlet (also he/him) agreed, but wondered whether firing an arrow into the Shearer of Nottingham's arm might have been an unsuitable use of social media.

All facts verified by 1066 and all that.

Nottingham has a certain track record of harassing Catholics: Maid Marian Rynkiewicz (she/her), a pro-life student, had received her degree a year late because the local clerks objected to her beliefs, although she received a settlement involving bags of gold.

The Bishop of Nottingham (His Lordship/His Lordship) has been asked to nominate another chaplain, one who isn't too serious about the faith, but since no Jesuits will be available for several hundred years, he has refused.

Bill "killed off too soon"

Supporters of the Assisted Suicide Bill reacted angrily to the news that it had been killed off prematurely in a House of Commons vote (330 votes to 118).

Rob Marris, the proposer of the bill, commented, "I know that the bill was very sick, and was going to die anyway; it probably had less than six months to live. But it is really shameful to see people deliberately killing it off, rather than letting it die naturally, as Lord Falconer's bill was allowed to. If I'm in the House of Commons for one purpose, it is to protect the weak and vulnerable - and I don't just mean the Labour Party."

Undertakers - expecting extra business but now to be disappointed.

Apparently, many of the opponents of the Bump-em-Off bill were people of a religious tendency - which of course means that their views are totally invalid, and they should not really have been allowed to vote. On the other hand, those who actually wanted the Death-Blood-Cut-Psycho bill were mostly an alliance of actors, second-rate comedians, and other celebrities - in short, the modern opinion-formers.

Lee Hurst - will his comic career be allowed to die naturally?

It is believed that a "compromise" bill may soon be introduced, allowing doctors to help people who wish to self-harm but not kill themselves. Thus, if you feel an urgent need to gnaw your own arm off after watching David Baddiel, you will be able to go to a doctor's surgery and the doctor will gnaw if off for you. It is not clear whether this is against anyone's religious principles.

Celebrities ask for assisted death

A group of celebrities has written to the Telegraph "demanding" that politicians agree a plan to legalise assisted dying. And if nothing is done, then they'll scream and scream until they're sick. They can, you know. Apparently, 25 people a year travel abroad to be killed (compared with, say, the 1700 who are killed in road accidents), so action must be taken to make their self-destruction easier.

Eric Idle. Obviously an expert on the morality of killing people.

As many will remember, the prime mover for the "Why can't people be bumped off?" campaign is Lord Falconer. Note that a falconer is one who has control of a certain bird of prey, which is used to kill off weaker creatures - sorry, "assist weaker creatures to die" - and it is possible that Charlie Falconer is merely reverting to the traditions of his ancestors.

Set phasers on "assisted dying"! Patrick Stewart joins the campaign.

Of course, not all the signatories to the Telegraph letter are actors. Oddly, Stephen Fry is absent (which must automatically invalidate the list). Some of them are very eminent: one signs himself as Lord Rees of Ludlow OM, so that you know that he is a Very Important Person indeed, and not just any common or garden Lord Rees who wouldn't know one end of a telescope from the other. The fact that Martin Rees knows his Mars from his Albireo means that we should take his opinions on assisted dying more seriously than those of a man with no telescope. Lord May of Oxford OM, who has been Chief Scientific Adviser to the UK Government (yes, one man who knows all the science there is to know), is another who was wearing his "I've got an OM" tee-shirt when he signed the letter.

Lord Rees of Ludlow OM demonstrates the use of a telescope by putting it to his ear.

Fortunately, there appear to be no Catholics signing this infamous letter with the stench of death about it - how nice to be able to praise Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor for being a wise and moral Christian! There is one senior but retired Anglican who - as is well known - has gone over to the dark side: namely, the Humpty-Dumpty lookalike, George Carey. O George, time for a refresher course in Christian morality, you poor deluded buffoon. We've done this before, but this picture is worth another airing.

George Carey dresses up as the Angel of Death.

Assisted Dying on the Orient Express

"That was a strange case, Hastings, mon ami," said my friend Hercule Poirot. "I was taking the ad Orientem Express to the mysterious east (Margate), to consult my friend Fr Tim Finigan on a curious question of hermeneutics, when we were held up by two or three snowflakes on the line - apparently, they were the wrong kind of snow. Still, there we were, marooned in some uncharted wastes near Faversham, with no hope of rescue for several days."

Somewhere near Faversham.

The chef de train summoned Poirot to one of the compartments, where there lay the dead body of a fattish man in his early sixties. One could tell at a glance that he was dead: there were stab wounds and bullet holes in various parts of his body, a rope round his neck, an empty bottle of pills by his side, and the marks of a blunt instrument on the back of his head. "His name is Charlie Falconer, and he was some sort of gangster," commented the train guard. "Could it be suicide, M. Poirot?"

Charlie Falconer in happier times, singing the Nightmare song from Iolanthe.

Poirot examined the body carefully. "I think not, mon vieux. Someone evidently helped him on his way. The worse case of assisted suicide that I have ever seen. We must find an explanation for his death."

An eager, fresh-faced man joined them. "Hi! I'm Tony!" he said. "I used to be something big in politics, but now I go round the world making money. Also I've been bringing peace to the Middle East. Charlie was an old friend of mine, and I gave him a job once."

"I have heard of you, Monsieur," acknowledged Poirot. "You are a pious Catholic who supports abortion and same-sex marriage. Can you think of any reason why M. Falconer could have opted for assisted suicide?"

Tony gives Pope John-Paul II some tips on becoming a saint.

"Well, he had a sore throat, and he didn't like train journeys, and England did badly in the World Cup, and he was worried about his pet hamster, Miliband, and he scratched his car against the gatepost last week, and they'd run out of gin, and he thought it might rain later, and..."

"I understand. All perfectly good reasons for a doctor to recommend assisted suicide. Now, let us see if there are any likely suspects." At that moment, a strange character entered the compartment.

John Birt. Formerly of the BBC.

"EX-TER-MIN-ATE! EX-TER-MIN-ATE! AS-SIST SU-I-CIDE! AS-SIST SU-I-CIDE!" screamed Lord Birt, for it was indeed he. This was a man who had been Director-General of the BBC, an organization that had employed megastars such as Jimmy Savile and Rolf Harris. During his rule, it was said that more people had switched off their televisions and said "I can't go on!" than ever before.

"There are indeed marks of extermination on Charlie Falconer's body," said Poirot, "but they may have been inflicted after death." He was then joined by a bumbling figure dressed as an Anglican archbishop.

"And if my sermons don't finish them off, a good swipe with the crozier will do it."

"Hello, everyone, I'm George," said the man, who was wearing a strikingly silly mitre and carrying a large blunt instrument. "I am man of deep Christian principles. Can I be of assistance to you as you seek to end your life in a truly Christian way?"

"No! No!" said Poirot. "I wish to live to be 130. Indeed, if Agatha Christie doesn't sort out the chronology of her stories, I may be forced to."

At that moment the compartment began to fill up with other well-intentioned supporters of assisted death: apparently, the House of Lords had organized a day trip to Margate for all its most irritating members.

Ian Blair as seen in "Hello (Hello, Hello)!" magazine, deals with the old and Sikh.

"You've all been very helpful," said Poirot. "Of great assistance, in fact..."

Carey on Killing

A new film in the long-running "Carey-on" series, has been produced, but it has been seriously panned by the critics, and it may not go on general release.

Entitled "Carey on Killing", it stars Sid James as Sid Falconer, the dodgy proprietor of the "Zap-Yer-Grandad" Assisted Suicide Company.

Sid Falconer and Bishops Wilson and Carey come to a patient's assistance.

Glamorous support is provided by blonde bombshell Rosie Harper (Barbara Windsor), who tells the House of Lords that the "moral and Christian" approach to sick and dying people is to push them over the edge.

Saucy boy! Wait till I tell my bishop!

A key role is played by Archbishop George Carey (Bernard Bresslaw), who, sick and tired of promoting orthodox Christian doctrine (or at least an Anglican version of it) decides to go out in style!

George Carey dresses up as the Angel of Death (non Angeli sed Anglici...)

It is a pity that this film is so poor. Our own personal favourite amongst the Carey-on films was "Carey on Praying" in which George Carey was molested in Canterbury Cathedral by Peter Tatchell (a comic role played by Kenneth Williams) when he tried to defend the traditional family. This film simply does not compare in terms of spiritual nourishment.

"Infamy! They've all got it infamy!" says Tatchell.

Eccles verdict: do not go and see this film. The characters are totally unbelievable.

The Way, the Truth and the Death

The story so far:

1. An Anglican calling herself Canon Rosie Harper, Chaplain to the Bishop of Buckingham, tells the House of Lords that voting against Lord Falconer's Assisted Death bill is "neither moral nor Christian".

"... and there's a poor old man behind me that we could bump off..."

2. The Anglican blogger Cranmer points out that she is wrong and misguided (and her views are contrary to the C of E's official position).

3. The Bishop of Buckingham jumps in with both feet and describes Cranmer's comments as "outrageous trolling".

4. The Baptist blogger Geoffrey Sales asks "Bishops: what are they good for?" with special reference to recent blunders by +Buckingham, +Oxford and +Lancaster, whom he memorably describes as a "bunch of Vichyite jellyfish".

5. The world looks to Eccles for a ruling.

"Hello, I'm your new bishop."

Well, when in doubt go back to the scriptures and see what Jesus said and did.

Mark 1:40. And there came a leper to him, beseeching him, and kneeling down to him, and saying unto him, If thou wilt, thou canst put me out of my pain.

41. And Jesus, moved with compassion, put forth his hand, and touched him, and saith unto him, I will; go forth and die.

42. And the leper lived happily ever after dropped dead.

Jesus bumpeth off the leper.

Pretty conclusive, eh? Jesus saveth the man a lot of unnecessary suffering. Let's see what else Jesus did.

Mark 5:22. And, behold, there cometh one of the rulers of the synagogue, Jairus by name; and when he saw him, he fell at his feet,

23. And besought him greatly, saying, My little daughter lieth at the point of death: I pray thee, come and "do a Falconer" on her, that she may be finished off quickly.

Of course this one hath a twist in the tail...

35. While he yet spake, there came from the ruler of the synagogue's house certain which said, Thy daughter is dead: why troublest thou the Master any further?

36. And Jesus said, Great! That letteth me out!

Get the point? If the girl had been brought back to life, she would only have had to die again one day!

"Bring Me a hammer, in case she is not really dead."

Well, that's enough of that. But think how cross Lazarus would have been if Jesus had raised him from the dead? "Owwwww! Now I've got to go through that suffering all over again," he'd have complained.

VERDICT: Three cheers for Rosie Harper, the Apostle of Assisted Suicide!

Zany new BBC3 comedies

BBC3 has announced the production of a new situation comedy Way to go, which explores the hilarious, zany world of assisted suicide. Of this, Zai Bennett, Controller, BBC Three, says: "Bob Kushell’s scripts are in turn dark, poignant, absurd, moving and brilliant. But mostly they are very, very funny."

We asked what other programmes were in the BBC3 pipeline, and obtained some hilarious answers.

Seeing the lighter side of Jimmy Savile's crimes.

One "very, very funny" comedy that BBC3 is pleased to add to its portfolio is Lucky Jim, which explores the lighter side of child abuse. A BBC3 spokesman commented, "Our writer has come up with another brilliant comedy in the tradition of Swift, Wilde and Wodehouse; we see his main character, Jim, getting involved in a succession of hilarious sex romps!"

Another rib-tickling show that is sure to go down well is Yes, sir, that's my baby, set in an abortion clinic. This is guaranteed to provide "a laugh a minute!" Think of Fawlty Towers, but with the hotel replaced by a clinic, and with Basil replaced by a comic surgeon!

Ahoy there, Shipman!

We are also looking forward to Ahoy there, Shipman! and Go, West! in which the fun-filled murders of Harold Shipman and Fred West are recreated in a brilliant series of giggle-packed scripts, which will have you rolling in the aisles. We are hoping that the "alternative" comedian (the sort you don't expect to laugh at) Ricky Gervais will agree to take the part of Harold Shipman.

You'll also be chuckling at Mum, I'm starving!, which is another BBC3 flagship comedy, set in the West African famine. With a galaxy of guest stars appearing - and disappearing - every week!

Hans and Helmut.

Finally, BBC3 goes into comedy territory that has never been fully explored, as it broadcasts Arbeit Macht Frei, starring Hans and Helmut, two lovable concentration camp guards who seem to be having trouble with their gas chambers. It's described as "a brilliant double act worthy of the Two Ronnies!"

Yes, in these days of alternative comedy, it is now BBC3 that leads the world, bringing us hours of fun-filled viewing, as they encourage us to laugh at topics that were previously off-limits, and which might even have been found upsetting by sensitive viewers (ridiculous, eh?)